SGA 3.03 "Irresistible" Transcript

3.03 "Irresistible"

Episode Guide

Précis

The team searches for Stargates to harvest for an intergalactic bridge, and encounters a charming alchemist who beguiles Dr. Beckett.

Guide | Transcript

Transcript

TEASER

EXT—PLANET, DAY

[A puddle jumper flies over the fields and forests of an alien world.]

INT—PUDDLE JUMPER

[Sheppard sneezes and coughs.]

TEYLA
Are you all right, Colonel?

SHEPPARD
(hoarsely)
It's nothing, just a cold. No big deal. It's just annoying.

MCKAY
Talk about annoying.

SHEPPARD
What?

MCKAY
We should be focusing on harvesting space gates.

SHEPPARD
That's what we're doing, Rodney. The MALP detected life signs. We have to check it out. That's the protocol.

MCKAY
I am just saying that identifying potential space gates to complete the intergalactic bridge should be our priority, not making contact with the locals of some backwater hamlet.

TEYLA
Are you that eager to return to Earth, Rodney?

MCKAY
This isn't just about me. It is about the ability to go back and forth between Earth and Atlantis conveniently…and whenever I want to.

RONON
How's that work again?

MCKAY
(turning in his chair back to Ronon, enthusiastic)
Okay, once we've seeded enough Stargates across the void between Pegasus and the Milky Way, we'll be able to take a jumper from one to the other to the other till we reach the other side. That way we won't tax the ZPM, we won't be reliant on the Daedalus, and travel time between Earth and Atlantis will be cut from three weeks to thirty minutes.

[He turns back to face forward, very proud.]

TEYLA
Very clever.

MCKAY

(smugly)
Yes.

(more reluctantly)
It was Samantha Carter's idea.

SHEPPARD
Backwater hamlet, dead ahead.

EXT—VILLAGE, DAY

[Several brightly dressed people smile and greet Sheppard's team warmly as they enter the village.]

MCKAY
(low, to team)
Okay, let's just make contact, buy our souvenirs, and…get out of here.

[McKay is distracted by two particularly attractive young women who smile.]

WILLA
Fair day to you.

SHEPPARD

(to Willa)
Fair day to you.

(to McKay, distracted)
Nothing here. We should probably go.

[They watch another attractive young woman walk by, smiling at them.]

MCKAY
(distracted)
Eh, it probably wouldn't hurt to, uh, make contact with the locals though, no?

[Teyla and Ronon exchange looks.]

SHEPPARD
No, no. When you're right, you're right.

MCKAY
No, no, well we're here now, and uh…

[A man with a wide grin yells from the length of the street.]

LUCIUS
Hello! Hello, new people! Why didn't anybody tell me the new people were here yet!

[Willa embraces Lucius with a wide smile.]

WILLA
Lucius, I've missed you!

[Lucius returns the hug distractedly, not breaking stride as he approaches the team.]

LUCIUS
Oh please. Well, I was just out for a walk. Have you met the new people yet?

[Willa shakes her head negatively as Lucius arrives in front of the team.]

SHEPPARD
We just got here.

LUCIUS

Oh, great! Great! Then I haven't missed anything. I hate missing things. Have you met my wife, Willa? Isn't she gorgeous?

(pointing to other beautiful women behind them)
My other wives are just making lunch.

HELEEN
Fair day, Lucius!

LUCIUS

Hello, sweetheart.
(blows her a kiss)
I love ya. I love ya.

(waves to villagers)
Fair day, everybody.

[The team exchange looks.]

VILLAGERS
Fair day, Lucius.

SHEPPARD
(nonplussed)
I'm…John…Sheppard. Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan.

[He gestures to his teammates in turn, who nod to Lucius in greeting. Lucius's eyes light on Teyla. He pushes Willa aside to get closer to her.]

LUCIUS
Teyla. And you are from?

TEYLA
(cautiously)
Athos.

[McKay and Sheppard exchange looks.]

LUCIUS
(seductively)
Athos. Yeah, Athos. I've never been there. Sounds nice. Is it nice?

TEYLA
(unamused)
Until it was culled by the Wraith.

LUCIUS
Oh, I hate them. What do you say you and me get together, we have some lunch, we talk about this, huh? Maybe have some wine?

MCKAY
(piqued)
We don't even know your name.

[Lucius turns to McKay. He and the villagers start to laugh as if McKay said something hilarious.]

SHEPPARD
We're serious.

WILLA
(shocked)
You mean you truly have not heard of Lucius?

HELEEN
Well everyone knows.

WILLA
He's the wisest and kindest man among the stars.

LUCIUS
(with mock humility)
Aw, people just say that. I mean, you can't prove it until you've met everybody, am I right? Hmm?

SHEPPARD
(diplomatically)
Well then…Lucius, we're glad we met you.

[Lucius leans closer to Sheppard.]

LUCIUS
And if you aren't yet, you will be! Come on! Let's have some lunch, huh? Everybody has to eat. Right? Come on, right this way, please. Please.

[Lucius's wives escort McKay and Sheppard.]

LUCIUS
(gesturing to Teyla and Ronon)
After you, please.

[Teyla and Ronon follow the others, looking back curiously at Lucius. He remains behind, smiling and waving at the other villagers.]

LUCIUS
Fair day. Fair day. Fair day.

[He takes a small flask out of his jacket and drinks a large swallow, wincing at the taste.]

LUCIUS
Here I come!

END TEASER

OPENING CREDITS

EXT—VILLAGE, DAY

EXT—VILLAGE SQUARE, DAY

[Several villagers smile and watch as Lucius and the team enjoy a meal in the center of town.]

LUCIUS
I love architecture. It's all a mystery to me, really, but, heh heh, it hasn't stopped me from trying.

TEYLA
(bored)
I see.

LUCIUS
(low, to Sheppard)
Is she taken, yet?

SHEPPARD
Hmm?

TEYLA
(sharply)
No! Nor does he nor anyone else speak for me.

LUCIUS
Oh yeah! Yeah, you are definitely wife material. You gotta love a woman with spirit. And a great body.

[McKay rubs his hand over his mouth to hide his expression. Teyla turns with a look that could kill.]

MCKAY
Excuse me, um, Lucius. Please pardon my ignorance, possibly even my manners, but, uh, what is it exactly about you…

LUCIUS
Ah-ah. I know what you are going to say, so you don't even have to ask. I have gifts.

[The team exchange skeptical and amused looks.]

SHEPPARD
What are those, uh…gifts?

LUCIUS
Exploration. Alchemy. Medicine. I have, I have to say, some of the best ointments around.

[Sheppard sneezes.]

LUCIUS

See, I could take care of that just…

(snaps his fingers)
like that.

SHEPPARD
Ah, it's just a cold.

LUCIUS
Nevertheless, I have a potion that could get rid of that in six or seven days.

MCKAY
Mmm.

SHEPPARD
(deadpan)
That's impressive.

LUCIUS
(shrugging)
You get used to it. We'll do a trade. So…where you all from?

SHEPPARD
No place in particular. We move around a lot.

LUCIUS
In that wonderful machine of yours. Yeah, I saw it. I was on a walk, I look up, and-and I heard…somebody said that-that you flew through the ancestral ring?

[Sheppard shakes his head dismissively.]

RONON
Yeah, that was us!

[Teyla glares at him.]

LUCIUS
How does it fly?

MCKAY
It's complicated. One has to—

LUCIUS
(interrupting)
I mean, where do you get a machine like that? I-it I mean, it's a wonderful way to travel. Can I get one? Are they hard to fly?

SHEPPARD
Yes. They are hard to fly, and…no, you can't have one.

LUCIUS
(insistent)
But I want one. Please.

SHEPPARD
(shrugging)
Sorry.

[The villagers begin to murmur in dismay.]

WILLA
Well, perhaps a trade for some of his wonderful medicines.

MCKAY
Or perhaps not.

LUCIUS
(insulted)
What? You come all this way, you don't even want to do a trade? Look, it doesn't even have to be the ship. Forget the ship. I don't even want the ship. Okay? You gotta have some other stuff that you want to trade, right? Okay? Like-like…how do you get your hair to go like that?

[Lucius looks expectantly at Sheppard. Sheppard appears nonplussed for a moment.]

SHEPPARD
Lunch was great…but I just realized we're running late.

MCKAY
For what?

SHEPPARD
For that important thing!

[He rises, the others follow suit.]

TEYLA
Yes! Um, as much as we would love to stay, we really must go.

LUCIUS

No, no, no, no, no. I don't want you to go. You just got here, come on! Come on! We haven't even had the second course. Please! I want-I want you to see some of my medicines.

(to Willa)
Go get the ointments, the good ones. Go! Run! Go!

[She runs to get his wares.]

SHEPPARD
Another time, Lucius. We gotta go.

LUCIUS
(in a tantrum)
No. No, I don't want you to leave!

[Sheppard's team finds their path blocked by the villagers, who close in at Lucius's words. They turn back to Lucius.]

LUCIUS
Okay, okay, okay. All right. Let them go. We're all friends here, right?

[The villagers break apart, letting the team pass.]

SHEPPARD
Tell you, what. As soon as we get back, we'll tell our medical people to come, see what you have to offer. Then we'll talk about trade.

LUCIUS
(hopeful)
Later today, maybe?

SHEPPARD
Maybe.

LUCIUS
I'll have everything ready.

SHEPPARD
Thank you.

LUCIUS
(calling after them)
You won't be disappointed!

[The team leaves. Lucius smiles.]

LUCIUS
Nice people.

VILLAGERS
(in agreement)
Mm-hmm.

EXT—ATLANTIS, DAY

INT—ATLANTIS CORRIDOR

[Weir walks with Sheppard and McKay.]

SHEPPARD
I think the word we're looking for is, uh…

MCKAY
Obnoxious? Unctuous?

SHEPPARD
Well, either one of those works.

MCKAY
Then again, the townspeople seem to love him, so maybe there's something to his medicines.

SHEPPARD
Sounds like a snake oil salesman to me, but…might be worth having Beckett check it out.

WEIR
Well, I'm sure Carson will be able to get us an answer pretty quickly. So, it's back out to scout for gates?

MCKAY
(excited)
Yes! Right away.

SHEPPARD
It's not a race, Rodney.

INT—LUCIUS'S APOTHECARY SHOP

[Lucius leads Beckett around his shop.]

LUCIUS
Some of the herbs were gathered from this planet on my walks, but most were collected from my many excursions to other worlds. I have to confess, I have concocted remedies for almost every known ailment.

BECKETT
(skeptical)
Every single one?

LUCIUS
Well, every one in town. The sick have been cured, the lame can walk again…well, some still crawl, but they crawl a lot faster than they used to.

BECKETT
I see.

LUCIUS
Nothing pleases me more than when someone comes up to me, they say: "Thank you, Lucius. You have cured me. You are a wise and kind man."

BECKETT
(humoring him)
Hmm.

LUCIUS
Young, old… women… Do you like women, Doctor Beckett?

BECKETT
What? Yes, of course.

LUCIUS
Yeah, I have a potion that will have them lined up around the square just waiting to be with you. You know what I mean when I say "be with you", right?

BECKETT
(dryly)
I think so, yes.

LUCIUS
I will trade you that potion, for what you are holding in your bag…right now.

BECKETT
My medical kit?

LUCIUS
(nodding)
Mm-hmm.

BECKETT
But I thought you cured every known ailment.

LUCIUS
Every known ailment in town. I added that, remember?

LUCIUS
Well, it is tempting. But I'm afraid, uh, I couldn't do that, Lucius, sorry.

LUCIUS
(chuckling)
Not yet, anyway, huh? Come on, you must be starving. I have a great meal lined up for us.

[Looking exasperated, Beckett follows him out.]

EXT—ATLANTIS, NIGHT

INT—CONTROL ROOM

[Weir enters, and heads to where Zelenka, McKay, and Sheppard are.]

WEIR
How did the scout go?

[Sheppard coughs hoarsely several times.]

SHEPPARD
Well, we found an unused 'gate in orbit over M3R-428.

MCKAY
One lousy 'gate. We're never going to meet our quota at this rate.

SHEPPARD
What quota?

MCKAY
My quota.

SHEPPARD
Daedalus is still under repair anyway, Rodney. We won't be able to harvest 'gates till it can fly.

[McKay crosses his arms and pouts.]

SHEPPARD
Did Beckett bring back anything worth anything?

WEIR
No, he hasn't returned yet. He radioed in earlier, said he'd like to stay a little longer. Apparently, he's found something of interest.

[McKay scoffs.]

EXT—VILLAGE SQUARE, NIGHT

[Lucius sits telling stories to all the villagers, who sit spellbound by his tales.]

LUCIUS
The baby was frozen solid—like a statue. Like a frozen statue. It must've been in the water for I don't know, what must—it seemed like an eternity. I didn't know what to do. And I was a kid myself. I take the baby, and I open my coat, and I tuck the baby inside, and I start stroking the baby's back…gently. Now, I don't know whether it was warmth of my body, or the steady insistent rhythm of my own life force urging this tiny baby's heart to begin beating again. But beat it did.

[Beckett is just as enthralled as the other villagers. They all gasp in wonder.]

LUCIUS
And a cry arose, piercing the cold night air, as if to say…I am alive!

[Beckett starts the applause.]

BECKETT
(laughing in delight)
Oh! Astonishing!

LUCIUS
And that baby…that baby…grew up to be…

[Lucius gestures to the side. Beckett sees a woman pouring a tankard.]

BECKETT
That beautiful young lady?

[She smiles at Beckett's compliment.]

LUCIUS
No, no, no, not her. Behind her.

[The woman leaves with her tray of tankards. A young man turns a spit over the fire. He obviously is brain damaged.]

LUCIUS
Uh, maybe a little brain damage, but just a little. But the story is true.

BECKETT
(enraptured)
And thank you for sharing it with me.

LUCIUS
(standing)
Oh, please, Doctor Beckett. That's what I like doing most. To share. To share me.

[He helps Beckett rise.]

BECKETT
Oh. And I can see that now.

[They laugh as he leads Beckett away from the other villagers.]

LUCIUS
You see? All you had to do was get to know me. You know, Carson…may I call you Carson?

BECKETT
Of course you can!

LUCIUS
Carson, this-uh, this city that you keep going on and on about?

BECKETT
Atlantis.

LUCIUS
Yeah, Atlantis. Um, on a scale of one to ten, this-this village being a three…

BECKETT
Oh, Atlantis is definitely a ten.

LUCIUS
It is? Yeah. And-and those flying ships, you still have those?

BECKETT
You mean the jumpers?

LUCIUS
Yeah.

BECKETT
Oh, aye, we have several.

LUCIUS
Really? How interesting. Tell me more.

BECKETT
Oh, Lucius. I think I could do much better than that.

EXT—ATLANTIS, DAY

INT—ATLANTIS CONTROL ROOM

[The wormhole activates. Weir comes out of her office.]

CHUCK

Incoming wormhole. Opening the shield.

(to Weir)
Doctor Beckett's IDC.

WEIR
It's about time.

INT—ATLANTIS GATE ROOM

[The guards wait, weapons raised as Beckett steps through the Stargate. Weir runs down the steps to greet him as the guards lower their weapons on spotting Beckett.]

WEIR
Carson!

[Lucius arrives. A few guards re-raise their weapons as the wormhole shuts down. Beckett smiles as Lucius laughs in delight.]

LUCIUS
Oh my! When you said this place was a ten, I thought okay, maybe, maybe it's an eight and a half, but this…

WEIR
Carson…?

BECKETT
Oh, Doctor Weir, permit me to introduce Lucius Lavin.

[Lucius comes closer, eyeing Weir lasciviously.]

LUCIUS
Speaking of stunning. You never told me anything about her. Oh yeah. Yeah, I am definitely going to like it here.

[Weir turns angrily from Lucius to Beckett.]

INT—ATLANTIS ISOLATION OBSERVATION ROOM

[Weir, Beckett, and Sheppard watch Lucius down in the isolation room. He is studying himself on the camera monitors in the room below.]

WEIR
(exasperated)
I can't believe you brought him here without permission!

BECKETT
I didn't think you'd mind.

WEIR
You didn't think I'd mind?! You know the protocols! You even helped come up with them.

BECKETT
(innocently)
There's so much he can offer us.

SHEPPARD
Is this the same guy who said he could cure my cold in a week?

[McKay turns around from where he has been studying the computer. He leans against the work station and folds his arms, listening with interest.]

BECKETT
I know my business, Colonel Sheppard. He happens to have created several medicines that are quite remarkable.

WEIR
Really? That guy?

BECKETT
Aye. He also possesses many valuable herbs and spices…and gourds.

MCKAY
Did you just say gourds?

BECKETT
Yes, Rodney, gourds! We don't know everything, despite what you may think. He could prove to be a very powerful ally. He's a very wise and kind man.

[He grins. Sheppard looks skeptical as Weir studies Beckett keenly.]

WEIR
Are you feeling all right?

BECKETT
What do you mean?

SHEPPARD
It's just you're acting uh, a little…

WEIR
Smitten?

SHEPPARD
Well, I had another word in mind.

[Weir huffs in agreement.]

BECKETT
This is not something to treat lightly.

WEIR
No, it isn't. You've brought a stranger to Atlantis without prior approval. Now he knows about the city as well as our 'gate address.

BECKETT
Lucius would do nothing to harm us. He comes in peace, as our friend. You have his word and mine on that.

[Beckett huffs impatiently. Weir and Sheppard exchange looks.]

INT—ATLANTIS STAIRWELL

[Weir, McKay and Sheppard leave the isolation area.]

WEIR
Do you think he poses a threat?

SHEPPARD
Definitely a nuisance.

MCKAY
If what Beckett says is correct, these medicines could be of value to us.

SHEPPARD
We'll just keep an eye on him. McKay and I are heading out to scout more 'gates. Tell Teyla and Ronon not to let him out of their sight.

INT—GUEST QUARTERS

[Beckett leads Lucius into ornate guest quarters. A guard stands outside.]

BECKETT
Here we are.

[Lucius looks around as Beckett watches him in anticipation.]

LUCIUS
It's perfect.

[Beckett shakes his fists in glee.]

BECKETT
Because you could always have my own personal quarters if you wanted.

LUCIUS
Oh, no. No. Don't be silly, Carson. I mean, I-I'll take a look at what you have if you insist, but…this'll do fine for now.

BECKETT
(sighing in relief)
Oh good. I'm so pleased. Just let me know if you want anything.

LUCIUS
Oh, I can't think of anything I want more than just being here. Except that…

BECKETT
(worried)
What?

LUCIUS
No, it's nothing.

BECKETT
No, tell me!

LUCIUS
Well, I get the feeling that your friends don't like having me around.

BECKETT
(scoffing)
Lucius! Just give them a chance to get to know ye.

LUCIUS
Well, I just hope I get that chance.

BECKETT
Oh, you will! I promise! In fact, I'm sure Doctor Weir will want to negotiate an alliance between your people and ours.

LUCIUS
Really?

BECKETT
Really!

[Lucius clasps Beckett around the shoulders.]

LUCIUS
Aw, that'd be great!

EXT—ATLANTIS DAY

INT—ATLANTIS CORRIDOR OUTSIDE LUCIUS'S QUARTERS

[Lucius leaves the room, looking at the guards stationed outside.]

LUCIUS
Oh, hello! I was going to go get something to eat because they forgot to bring me something, so um…are you guys not allowed to talk?

[Teyla and Ronon hurry up the steps.]

TEYLA
Guests are not permitted to move about the city unescorted.

LUCIUS
Oh, what do you say you escort me then, huh? Huh? You don't like me yet, do you?

RONON
Yet?

LUCIUS
I'm sorry. My manners just fail when I am in the presence of a beautiful woman. Isn't she something, huh?

RONON
(unamused)
Yeah.

TEYLA
We will have something sent to you.

[Lucius crowds into Teyla's personal space.]

LUCIUS
Oh, no, no, no. Come on, come on. Don't make me sit in there all alone. Come on, please?

TEYLA
(exasperated)
Very well. We will both take you.

[She dodges away from him and leads the way to the mess hall. Lucius and Ronon follow with the security escort.]

LUCIUS
Oh, both? Both is good! Yeah. We'll get to know each other then, okay? Like, how do you get your hair to go like that?

[He looks at Ronon.]

INT—WEIR'S OFFICE

[Beckett sits in Weir's office, pleading his case to her. She signs off on some reports by a scientist.]

BECKETT
Just listen to what he has to say!

WEIR

(to scientist)
Thank you.

(to Beckett)
Fine! Can I say, I'm starting to get concerned about your interest in this man. It seems…excessive.

[Now alone with Beckett, Weir sits behind her desk.]

BECKETT
And I find it puzzling why you've chosen to greet Lucius with such hostility!

WEIR
Perhaps it's because you broke protocol, endangering—

BECKETT
And for that I am sorry, but can we please move on past that one mistake and not further alienate a potential ally.

[Weir looks at Beckett shrewdly.]

WEIR
(stern)
Fine. Have him come up to my office.

[Beckett smiles.]

INT—LUCIUS'S QUARTERS

[Lucius primps in front of a mirror, testing different looks.]

LUCIUS
(practicing seductive versions)
Hello, Doctor Weir. Helloo, Doctor Weir, yeah.

[He goes over to his satchel and removes a vial of clear liquid, downing it with the same look of distaste as when he drank from his flask earlier.]

INT—WEIR'S OFFICE

[Lucius carries a gourd candle holder, escorted by his guards, to Weir's office.]

LUCIUS
(professionally)
Hello, Doctor Weir. Thank you for granting me this audience.

WEIR
It's hardly that, Mister Lavin.

LUCIUS
Oh please…Lucius.

[She smiles awkwardly, looking at the item he holds in his hands. He holds it out reverently.]

LUCIUS
May this be the first of many gifts that our people exchange.

[Weir stares nonplussed at the gourd before taking it.]

WEIR
Thank you.

LUCIUS
I made it myself.

[Weir hmms, feigning interest.]

LUCIUS
The gourd is the marshes of my homeworld, topped with a candle that's made from the congealed tallow of an animal that I killed with my bare hands.

[Weir looks unwilling to hold the gourd anymore. She fakes a smile while not touching the object too closely as she sets it on her desk.]

WEIR
How nice.

LUCIUS
It's nothing.

WEIR
Please, have a seat.

LUCIUS
After you.

[She sits in the guest chair across from him. He takes her hands and holds them in his own. He then starts checking out her body.]

WEIR
What are you doing?

LUCIUS
Huh?

[Weir stands abruptly, her chair rolling back rapidly. Weir heads behind her desk.]

WEIR
(professional)
I've been told that you would like to negotiate a possible alliance between our two peoples.

LUCIUS
An alliance? Okay. Sure. I mean, that's why I'm here is to talk about that.

[Weir sits behind her chair.]

WEIR
Well then, why don't you start by telling me what you have to offer us.

[Lucius looks to the gourd.]

WEIR
(sternly)
Besides candles.

LUCIUS
Right.

EXT—ATLANTIS, NIGHT

INT—ATLANTIS CONTROL ROOM

[Sheppard and McKay walk down steps from the jumper bay to the control room.]

MCKAY
One tiny settlement on the entire planet? Look, all we'd have to do is relocate them.

SHEPPARD
We're not evacuating an entire planet so we can take their 'gate.

CHUCK
Hey! Welcome back.

[Sheppard and McKay look around the otherwise empty area. Chuck casually lounges, drinking some coffee.]

MCKAY
Where's Zelenka?

CHUCK
Well, he's not here.

SHEPPARD
No one's here. Where is everyone?!

INT—ATLANTIS MESS HALL

[As Sheppard and McKay enter, they hear lots of laughter.]

LUCIUS
…I'm standing there, I don't know what to do. I ran. I ran! I ran! And mind you, I'm the guy who's holding the weapon, okay? So-so here's what I do, okay? Here's what I do. Okay, I'm standing there, and-and I-I'm running. And I see the beast is coming towards me, so I just step to my left, I turn around. And, just as he's coming to me, I take my sword, and I draw it, and I lop off his head. And-yeah, and I bend over, I pick it up, and I walk, in triumph, back to the village.

[Sheppard and McKay see Lucius holding court before several members of the expedition. Closest to him are Weir, Ronon, Beckett, Teyla, and Zelenka. They are just as enraptured by Lucius's tale as the others, laughing and gazing at Lucius in delight.]

WEIR
(smitten)
Amazing.

RONON
(amazed)
You didn't!

LUCIUS
Oh-oh, yes, oh, my giant friend. I did. And let me tell you this, I had no trouble finding female companionship that night, if you know what I mean…

[Everyone laughs.]

ZELENKA
Gives Czech exclamation.

LUCIUS
Repeatedly!

[Teyla blushes. Lucius turns and puts his hand on Weir's shoulder. She places her hand on his knee. Ronon knocks him on the other shoulder companionably while everyone sits and laughs, basking in his company.]

LUCIUS
Yeah, yeah.

[Sheppard and McKay exchange confused and worried looks.]

EXT—ATLANTIS, DAY

INT—WEIR'S OFFICE

[Sheppard and McKay speak to Beckett, Weir, Teyla, and Ronon.]

SHEPPARD
What the hell is going on?

[The others exchange mildly puzzled looks. Weir shrugs.]

WEIR
What do you mean?

SHEPPARD
What do I mean? We leave for a few hours, and Lucius turns you all into Stepford wives.

MCKAY
What did he do to you?

[The others exchange patient looks, smiling banally.]

WEIR
Absolutely nothing. Carson was right about him.

TEYLA
I agree. He has much to offer us.

MCKAY
(crossing his arms)
Herbs and gourds?

BECKETT
Please. The medicines alone are worth whatever he asks.

SHEPPARD
You're really telling me the ointment is worth something?

BECKETT
I haven't actually tested it.

MCKAY
Oh, you're just taking his word for it.

[Beckett nods. Ronon's expression becomes stern.]

RONON
(threateningly)
You got a problem with that?

MCKAY
(meekly)
Me? Uh…no. He might.

[He points to Sheppard.]

SHEPPARD
Teyla, this is the man who asked you to be his seventh wife.

[Weir turns excitedly to Teyla, who looks down, embarrassed.]

TEYLA
(breathlessly)
I know. I hope I didn't upset him.

BECKETT
You just haven't taken the time to get to know Lucius.

WEIR
Carson is right! Again!

[She slaps him good-naturedly on the arm.]

WEIR
I think he could be a great asset to us. He has travelled extensively throughout this galaxy and gathered a tremendous amount of intelligence.

SHEPPARD
(shrugging)
Has he shared any of this, uh, "intelligence"?

WEIR
Not yet. But… he did give me this.

[She smiles and reverently picks up the candlestick gourd. While Sheppard and McKay exchange disturbed looks, the others gaze on the gourd with adoration.]

RONON
(gently)
A very wise and kind man.

[Every one else nods.]

INT—MCKAY'S LAB

[Sheppard and McKay have taken refuge in the lab. McKay works on his computer.]

SHEPPARD
This is creepin' me out.

MCKAY
Yeah. It reminds me of an old Batman episode, actually. It's uh, Catwoman used a drug to put a spell on Batman, make him fall in love with her. Ended up doing all sorts of…evil things for her. It was kind of a turn-on, actually. It's Julie Newmar in the cat outfit…

SHEPPARD
Eartha Kitt was Catwoman.

MCKAY
Not till season three.

SHEPPARD
Really?

MCKAY
Yeah. You didn't know that?

[Sheppard shakes his head absently, still staring at the computer screen. McKay continues to look at Sheppard with disbelief. Sheppard looks up and catches his eye, nodding toward the screen.]

MCKAY
Oh! So, I-I did a little investigating, and…surveillance footage from his quarters.

[The monitor shows Lucius digging into his satchel from before his meeting with Weir. As he drinks from the vial, McKay freezes the frame and magnifies the image.]

SHEPPARD
What's this?

MCKAY
Ah. I took the liberty of searching his room. Hmm?

[He pulls out the empty vial.]

MCKAY
There's some residue from the liquid still in the vial. It'll take some time to break it down…I could have used Carson's help on this, but…

SHEPPARD
He's off picking daffodils for his new friend.

MCKAY
(worried)
Right.

INT—ATLANTIS CONTROL ROOM

[Weir and Zelenka show Lucius the Stargate mapping program.]

LUCIUS
That's brilliant!

ZELENKA
(proudly)
This is actually how we found your planet.

LUCIUS
So, what, you just fly to a planet, you take the 'gate, you fly away?

WEIR
Well, we try to take Stargates that are in fixed orbit around a planet, and then, only if the planet is uninhabited. Obviously, it wouldn't be right to take a 'gate from a world that depended on it for trade.

LUCIUS
Wait a minute, I mean, I've heard of this planet.

[Lucius points to an address.]

WEIR
You have?

LUCIUS

Yeah, I have. And I've heard that this planet is completely uninhabited. It's what I heard.

(shrugging)
I don't know about you guys, but I've got a good feeling about this planet.

WEIR
Well then, we could retrofit the 'gate for space deployment.

[Zelenka excitedly starts typing.]

LUCIUS
Beautiful, and brilliant. The two B's.

[He caresses her cheek. She simpers. Behind them, Sheppard arrives, watching with interest as he drums his fingers on the control console.]

SHEPPARD
Doctor Weir…?

WEIR
Oh, hi, John. We were…just discussing the 'gate harvesting program.

SHEPPARD
Yeah, I heard.

WEIR
And Lucius knows of an excellent planet we should investigate.

[Weir and Zelenka exchange pleased looks with Lucius.]

SHEPPARD
(unimpressed)
I heard that, too. We got intel that the Wraith recently set up a major outpost there…an alliance of three hives.

LUCIUS
(mouth agape)
No! Really?

WEIR
Has your intel been verified?

SHEPPARD
We haven't put boots on the ground, no, but our contacts are trustworthy. I'm not going to send a team down there. Not when there's still plenty of 'gates to scout.

WEIR
(patronizing)
John…you are way behind Rodney's quota.

SHEPPARD
(annoyed)
Forget Rodney's quota! I am not sending a team into harm's way.

[Weir is about to respond, but Lucius raises his hands.]

LUCIUS
You know what? Colonel Sheppard is right. I mean, don't get me wrong, with all your advanced weapons, you could easily dispose of a tiny Wraith outpost, if there even is an outpost, but ultimately is it worth the risk? No matter how small that risk may be. I mean, sure, people may label you a coward—

[Sheppard has been listening, flabbergasted, until finally interrupting.]

SHEPPARD
Will you knock it off!

WEIR
(scolding)
Colonel! I think it's worth investigating.

[Lucius looks at Sheppard shrewdly and a bit surprised.]

SHEPPARD
No! I won't allow it.

WEIR
(with humorless smile)
John, are you questioning my authority?

SHEPPARD
(angry, insistent)
Yeah, when it comes to the security of this base, you're damn right I am. From now on, no one goes through that 'gate without my authorization.

[He storms off.]

LUCIUS
(pensively)
What a terrible cold he must have.

WEIR
(flustered)
This…is not like him, Lucius. I apologize.

[She rubs his arm soothingly.]

LUCIUS
(shaking his head)
He makes me uncomfortable.

WEIR
(befuddled)
He's really a good man.

LUCIUS
I-I don't see it.

[Weir looks at Lucius, who leans his head on his hand, shaking his head.]

LUCIUS
Mm-mm. If he doesn't come around, you're gonna have to do something.

[Weir sighs and leans close to Lucius.]

INT—MCKAY'S LAB

[McKay puts some of the residue into an analyzer. Sheppard storms in, still fuming.]

SHEPPARD
Elizabeth wants to send a team to check out a 'gate at a suspected Wraith outpost!

MCKAY
(nonplussed)
What is she, nuts?

SHEPPARD
Everybody's nuts, Rodney. Haven't you noticed?

MCKAY
(sighing)
Oh, right.

SHEPPARD
We need to figure out why without drawing too much attention to ourselves.

MCKAY
I am working on it, but there's not enough of the liquid to work with. I need more.

SHEPPARD
I'll go back to Lucius's village. I'm sure he keeps his stash there. I'll just grab some.

[He starts to leave.]

MCKAY
What, you're leaving me here alone?

SHEPPARD
Well, you said you needed the liquid.

MCKAY
Yeah, but the place is turning into a nuthouse!

SHEPPARD
Somebody's got to stay. Just…keep away from the nuts. And you've got to disable the DHD soon as I'm gone to prevent anybody from dialing out, okay?

[He starts coughing heavily as he leaves. McKay sighs.]

EXT—VILLAGE, DAY

[Sheppard walks the streets of the village. Everyone looks ill and unkempt. They wander through the streets weakly and in pairs, shying away from Sheppard in trepidation. Sheppard spots Willa walking, going through a satchel.]

SHEPPARD
Willa.

[She looks up.]

WILLA

Sheppard.

(to villagers)
Sheppard!

[Some of the villagers begin to gather round.]

SHEPPARD
(concerned by her appearance)
Are you all right?

WILLA
Where is he?

SHEPPARD
Lucius?

WILLA
(desperately)
Did you take him? Of-of course, if you did, we're not angry.

SHEPPARD
(cautiously)
He came to my planet on his own.

HELEEN
Please send him back. It hurts us to be away from him for so long.

[Everyone nods.]

SHEPPARD
(keenly)
Have you always felt this way about him?

WILLA
No. But one day, as he returned from trading his wares with a distant people, he told me a story. A wonderful, wise, sweet story, about something he accidentally stepped in.

HELEEN
And from that forward, we saw him for the wonderful man he truly is.

[Sheppard bites his lip.]

SHEPPARD
And…before that?

WILLA
(hanging her head)
I am ashamed to admit that I refused to share his bed more than once.

[Heleen comforts her. Sheppard looks more uncomfortable as he's putting the pieces together.]

WILLA
(getting more upset)
And since he has gone, everyone is growing sick! It has only gotten worse!

SHEPPARD
Take it easy! Have you ever seen him drink a…like a liquid from a-a small vial?

WILLA
His daily medicine?

HELEEN
Does he need more? I can bring it to him!

WILLA
We both can!

[They nod.]

SHEPPARD
(quickly)
I-I can handle it.

WILLA
(hopefully)
If we get you some, will you bring him home?

SHEPPARD
Sure.

EXT—ATLANTIS, NIGHT

CHUCK
(over intercom)
Incoming wormhole! Colonel Sheppard's IDC.

INT—ATLANTIS GATE ROOM

[Sheppard steps through the Stargate, and the wormhole disengages. He looks around as people go about their daily jobs. He hears Lucius's voice above him.]

LUCIUS
I see. I jump in the market and I see four…I know! Four of them there, and I don't know which one to pick.

[Looking up, Sheppard sees Lucius laughing and chatting with McKay. Sheppard heads up, looking worried.]

INT—WEIR'S OFFICE

[Lucius sits on Weir's desk, leaning close while talking to McKay.]

LUCIUS
And the next day, she became my wife. My fifth wife! And now I have six!

[McKay laughs hysterically.]

MCKAY
You are a scoundrel, you know? That's what you are.

[Sheppard enters.]

MCKAY
Sheppard, come here. You've got to hear this. Lucius was just telling the most hysterical story. You know that they have marmots on his planet? Well, I mean, they're not marmots exactly, but it-it's a rodent very similar to the marmot that…

SHEPPARD
I thought you said you were gonna stay away from the nuts.

[Lucius looks smug.]

MCKAY
Yes, well…I tried to keep to myself, but Lucius here was concerned for me. So, he just came down, Ronon held me against the wall, and Lucius and I had a nice long talk.

SHEPPARD
Oh, you did?

MCKAY
And let me tell you, we have nothing to worry about with this guy. This guy's just a big knucklehead, aren't you, you big knucklehead?

[He playfully punches Lucius who laughs. Sheppard smiles along with them.]

SHEPPARD
Where's Elizabeth?

LUCIUS
Oh, she's out making me something to eat.

SHEPPARD
What?!

LUCIUS
(pleasantly)
I don't know. She said it was a surprise. So Rodney and I were waiting here for the team to return. We thought that you were them.

[Lucius stands and leans close to Sheppard, who leans back.]

MCKAY
Teyla, Ronon, and Beckett. They, uh, volunteered to check out M6H-491.

SHEPPARD
I told you—!

MCKAY
To disable the DHD, I know. I'm sorry. I didn't. But come on…Ronon and Teyla. I mean, they can handle themselves.

SHEPPARD
Yeah, what about Beckett?

MCKAY
Oh, he-now he can walk on his hands. Did you know that? Yeah, he was showing Lucius just before he left. You should've seen it. He was down on his hands, he had…

[McKay bends down and tries to demonstrate.]

SHEPPARD
(through gritted teeth)
McKay!

[Contrite, McKay stands up. Lucius watches worriedly.]

MCKAY
Oh! We don't know for sure that there are even Wraith on the planet. You know, but we'll find out soon enough though, won't we?

LUCIUS
We sure will.

[McKay and Lucius grin at Sheppard, who looks very concerned.]

INT—ATLANTIS GATE ROOM

BECKETT
(over radio)
Atlantis, this is Beckett! We're coming in hot!

[SFs arrive, weapons ready and aimed at the active wormhole. Weir, Sheppard, Lucius, and McKay head down the steps. Sheppard partly loses his balance from the incoming fire, but Weir and McKay check Lucius.]

[Ronon, Teyla, and Beckett run in, laughing giddily and firing their weapons. The wormhole shuts down. Sheppard checks them all out fearfully while everyone else smiles. The trio all carry bags filled with plants.]

SHEPPARD
You all right?

RONON
Yeah, It was a little rough, but we're good.

BECKETT
It was all terribly exciting.

[Ronon hugs his bag, looking proud.]

SHEPPARD
Well, I guess we can assume there are Wraith on that planet.

[He glares at Lucius, who looks smugly back at him.]

TEYLA
(laughing)
Yes. Many.

WEIR
Now, don't overreact, John.

SHEPPARD
(fuming)
Are you kidding me? You send a team…led by Beckett…to a planet full of Wraith! How do you expect me to react?

[Weir nods pleasantly as everyone else exchanges giddy smiles. Lucius's smile falters, and he watches Sheppard shrewdly.]

WEIR
(shrugging)
Well, firstly, they volunteered.

BECKETT
And secondly…we got the herb!

[The trio hold up their bags triumphantly. Everyone laughs and applauds.]

LUCIUS
Carson, I will tell people of the tale of your bravery for many years to come.

[Beckett drops his bags.]

BECKETT
(hopeful)
You will?

[Beckett and Lucius embrace.]

LUCIUS
Yes, I will.

SHEPPARD
(nonplussed)
You sent them to get an herb?

TEYLA
We wanted to go.

SHEPPARD
Okay…I've just about had enough!

[He grabs for Beckett's dropped bag. Teyla snatches it away first and Ronon arms his pistol and aims it at Sheppard.]

RONON
Whoa! Don't touch it.

[The SFs have their rifles pointed at Sheppard. Weir holds out her hand placatingly and steps in front of Ronon.]

WEIR
What on Earth is wrong with you, John? We were just…helping a friend. And there's nothing wrong with that.

LUCIUS
(low, to McKay)
I think there's something wrong with him.

MCKAY
(considering)
Hmm.

[Sheppard licks his lips, thinking quickly.]

SHEPPARD
You know what? I'm just tired. It's this damn cold.

[He turns to face Lucius.]

SHEPPARD
I apologize.

WEIR
(pleased)
Hmm. Maybe you should get some rest.

SHEPPARD
(nodding)
You're probably right. I just need a good night's sleep.

[Weir smiles and nods. Sheppard backs away, making no sudden moves as he escapes the circle of guards. He slowly heads to the exit, turning back to see everyone watching him, the wall of SFs turning to protect Lucius.]

INT—ATLANTIS JUMPER BAY

INT—PUDDLE JUMPER

[Lucius sits in the pilot's seat. Beckett and McKay hover over him excitedly.]

LUCIUS
So what does this do?

MCKAY
That engages the HUD, stands for Heads Up Display.

LUCIUS
(chuckling)
Heads up. I love that.

BECKETT
It gives me whatever information I need when flying the jumper: navigation, weapons…

LUCIUS
You fly this thing?

BECKETT
Aye.

MCKAY
I can fly it too!

BECKETT
Yes, now that you've received the ATA therapy, which I invented. I was actually born with the gene, which makes me much more proficient at operating Ancient technology.

MCKAY
It does not. He doesn't fly this thing any better than I do.

BECKETT
Don't you lie to Lucius!

MCKAY
You don't even know—

[Lucius raises his hand.]

LUCIUS
All right, all right! Ba-ba! Boys, stop fighting! A gene, you say?

BECKETT
It's a genetic fingerprint, if you will, which allows someone such as me to operate any technology on Atlantis. I developed an inoculation which allows those who don't naturally possess the gene, such as Doctor McKay, to be able to use some of it as well.

[McKay tsks in envy.]

LUCIUS
(distracted)
Really? A gene, eh? You said an inoculation, huh? That's great.

[Beckett giggles. McKay steps forward.]

MCKAY
You know what's really interesting? If you look at this down here…

[McKay points out a control to Lucius.]

INT—ATLANTIS INFIRMARY

[Beckett is with a nurse, looking at something through a microscope. Sheppard leans against the doorway, peering in.]

SHEPPARD
(hesitantly)
Uh, Doc?

[Beckett stands and looks over.]

SHEPPARD
Can I speak with you for a second?

BECKETT
(to nurse)
Excuse me.

[The nurse nods, and Beckett heads over to Sheppard, waiting expectantly.]

SHEPPARD
(whispering)
I think there might be something wrong with me.

[Beckett smiles and pats Sheppard on the shoulder.]

BECKETT
(speaking low)
It's all right, son. Admitting it is the first step.

[More medical personnel walk by. Sheppard gestures for Beckett to join him in the empty room for more privacy.]

BECKETT
So, you finally came around, did you? You see, once you get a chance to know Lucius, he's really a very wise and kind—

[Sheppard pulls out a Wraith stunner pistol and shoots Beckett at point-blank range.]

BECKETT
Oh crap.

[Sheppard catches Beckett as he collapses and begins to drag him away.]

INT—ATLANTIS CONTROL ROOM

[McKay and Chuck are among the personnel manning stations.]

MCKAY
Why is the jumper bay roof opening? Jumper Three's starting up. Who's in it?

CHUCK
I don't know!

MCKAY

(into radio)
Jumper Three, please identify. Jumper Three, this is Flight! Identify yourself!

(to Chuck)
Look, close the door.

CHUCK
It's too late. It's left the bay.

EXT—ATLANTIS, DAY

[A puddle jumper flies across the Lantian ocean, cloaking from sight.]

INT—PUDDLE JUMPER

[Beckett groans and regains consciousness to find his hands bound in front of him and sitting in one of the starboard chairs. Sheppard flies the jumper.]

SHEPPARD
Hey, Carson. Sorry about that.

BECKETT
(groggily)
What? Where…?

SHEPPARD
I'm taking you to the mainland. It's for your own good. Trust me.

INT—ATLANTIS CORRIDOR

[Weir walks with Lucius.]

LUCIUS
How often does that happen?

WEIR
This has never happened before. Now, we have very, very strict flight protocols.

LUCIUS
I mean, you have to have a key or something like that for—

[Teyla and a marine meet up with them.]

TEYLA
A security officer saw Colonel Sheppard carrying Doctor Beckett toward the jumper bay moments before the jumper took off.

LUCIUS
So it was them in the flying machine?

[McKay arrives, looking in shock.]

MCKAY
My computer's missing! A tablet, two drives, all of my research!

LUCIUS
I told you that man was dangerous! I have to say, Liz, I am very disappointed right now.

[Weir bows her head and places her hands on Lucius's chest.]

WEIR

I am so very sorry, Lucius.

(to Teyla)
Mobilize jumper teams. I want them found.

TEYLA
Yes.

[The marine and Teyla leave. Weir nervously fusses with Lucius's cravat.]

WEIR
They're very good. They will find them.

LUCIUS
(distressed)
I hope so.

INT—PUDDLE JUMPER

[The jumper has landed in the forest. Sheppard types on some controls, and coughs a few times. Beckett sits, shaking his head. He looks pale and sweaty.]

BECKETT
(whining)
I need to get back.

SHEPPARD
No, you don't.

BECKETT
Lucius needs me. You have no right to abduct me like this.

[Sheppard reaches back and grabs McKay's tablet.]

SHEPPARD
Call it an intervention. You probably don't realize it right now, but what you're going through is uh, kind of like a…a detox.

[He coughs again and brings the tablet over to Beckett, clearing his throat. Beckett looks unwilling to listen, but he pays attention all the same.]

SHEPPARD
Now, according to the research Rodney was able to do before joining the Lucius fan club, that liquid he's been drinking contains some kind of a…chemical, it-it interacts with the body and causes a-a secretion of a-of a pheromone, and then there's something about gamma activity in the prefrontral coretrex.

BECKETT
Prefrontal cortex. The part of the brain responsible for positive emotions.

SHEPPARD
See, that's why I need you! Seems that when people are exposed to this pheromone in close proximity, it makes them, uh…easy to influence. And the longer they're exposed, the worse the addiction gets.

BECKETT
You mean literally…an addictive personality?

SHEPPARD
That's what it looks like.

[Beckett stares at Sheppard.]

BECKETT
It's rubbish!

SHEPPARD
Check for yourself! I will bet you a year's pay that the liquid in that vial is some kind of an extract made from the herb that you collected for him! He made you his mule!

BECKETT
(defensively)
If this is true, why weren't you affected?

SHEPPARD
Well, my cold! I can hardly breathe. Plus, I haven't been around him much. Look, I would just kidnap him and take him away somewhere until the pheromone wore off, but…the people back on his home planet are starting to get sick, and it looks like they're going to get worse before they get better. I don't want to put our people through that.

BECKETT
(whining)
You're doing it to me right now!

[Sheppard punches Beckett in the arm.]

BECKETT
Ow!

SHEPPARD
Buck up, Carson! You haven't been exposed that long.

[He grabs Beckett by the jacket lapels.]

SHEPPARD
Look, I need you to figure out a way how to counteract this thing. There's got to be an antidote of some kind!

[Sheppard and Beckett stare at each other.]

BECKETT
I can't.

SHEPPARD
Yes, you can. You can beat it.

BECKETT
(starting to weep)
But he needs me!

[Beckett sobs as Sheppard looks on, shocked.]

EXT—ATLANTIS FOREST REGION, NIGHT

[A jumper flies over the forest.]

INT—PUDDLE JUMPER

[Teyla, Ronon, and McKay are inside.]

MCKAY
We should head back. We've been searching for hours.

RONON
We just left, McKay.

MCKAY
I don't like being this far away from Atlantis. Lucius is probably worried. Do you think he's worried?

WEIR
(over radio)
Jumper Two, report.

TEYLA
(into radio)
Uh, we're reading several life signs, but they might be Athosian hunting parties. We're going to go check them out.

MCKAY
(into radio)
Is Lucius worried about us?

WEIR
(over radio)
Lucius? He's fine. Just keep looking.

MCKAY
I should've stayed with him.

[Teyla and Ronon look worriedly over to McKay.]

EXT—ATLANTIS FOREST, NIGHT

[Sheppard and Beckett are around a campfire. Beckett still has his hands tied, but he studies McKay's computer with interest.]

BECKETT
Wait just a minute.

SHEPPARD
What is it?

[Ronon's gun activates and is pointed at Sheppard's head.]

RONON
Don't…move.

[Teyla comes out of the foliage, her weapon also aimed at Sheppard. Sheppard raises his hands and gets up slowly.]

SHEPPARD
That thing is set to stun, right?

RONON
Yeah.

SHEPPARD
(nodding)
Good.

[He makes a move to grab the pistol, but Ronon fires, catching him point blank in the chest. Sheppard collapses, unconscious. Teyla rushes to Beckett, unsheathing a knife to cut him free. Beckett stares in shock at the downed Sheppard.]

TEYLA
Carson, are you all right?

BECKETT
(smiling)
I will be…once I get back to Lucius.

[McKay arrives.]

MCKAY
What did you shoot him for?

[Ronon give McKay a look.]

MCKAY
Aw, now we're gonna have to carry him all the way back to the jumper.

EXT—ATLANTIS, DAY

INT—ATLANTIS BRIG

[Sheppard paces inside a cell. Lucius enters the room. Sheppard sits.]

LUCIUS
Good morning, Colonel. I want to apologize for this harsh treatment. I hate that Elizabeth had to do this.

SHEPPARD
Cut the crap.

[Lucius leans against the bars and gives a smug smile.]

SHEPPARD
So, that herb of yours…?

LUCIUS
One of my greatest discoveries. Well, it's my only great discovery, but you gotta admit…it's pretty great.

SHEPPARD
How'd you get by before that?

LUCIUS
I was a baker! Bread mostly…The occasional muffin at festival time.

SHEPPARD
So that herb pretty much changed everything.

[Lucius laughs and grabs a seat.]

LUCIUS
Yeah. Yeah, I baked it into my own bread. I like to experiment. And I noticed that people started to like me…well, hate me less, but pretty soon it became like. So I perfected a potion. It worked great for years. Then the Wraith set up an outpost on the only planet where I could get the herb. I knew I could never go back there.

SHEPPARD
Then we showed up.

LUCIUS
(smiling)
I'm telling you it was fate. And everybody wanted to help, so I let them. See that's the great thing about this herb, nobody gets hurt. They just want to help me all the time. What's wrong with that? I'm a nice guy. I never make them do anything they didn't want to do.

SHEPPARD
Six wives?

LUCIUS
(smiling lewdly)
Sometimes all at once.

[Sheppard looks nauseous. Lucius gets up, moving his stool aside.]

LUCIUS
You know, when you get over this cold, you and I are gonna have a long chat, face-to-face. And I've got a feeling we're gonna be the best of friends. And you're gonna want to help me too, all the time. And you'll love it.

SHEPPARD
Just a warning, Lucius, you get too close to me, it'll be the last thing you do.

LUCIUS
That's all right, Colonel. I'm in no rush.

BECKETT
(over Lucius's radio)
Lucius?

[Lucius keys his radio.]

LUCIUS
(into radio)
Yeah, go ahead, Carson.

BECKETT
(over radio)
I've finished preparing the inoculation.

LUCIUS

(into radio)
All right, I'll be right down.

(to Sheppard)
I've got to go get an inoculation. We'll talk after.

SHEPPARD
Giving you the ATA therapy?

[Lucius gives a wide grin.]

LUCIUS
Yeah. Isn't that great?

[He leaves. Sheppard watches him go with a thoughtful expression.]

INT—ATLANTIS INFIRMARY

[McKay and Weir watch as Beckett gives Lucius an injection.]

BECKETT
There. All done. Now, remember, it's only effective in 47% of those who receive it.

LUCIUS
Well, I'm a naturally lucky fella.

WEIR
The only way to know for sure is to have you try to operate something.

LUCIUS
Okay!

[He moves to hop off the bed, but gets dizzy and has to sit back.]

BECKETT
Whoop! It takes about an hour to be effective. In the meantime, just rest easy, dear friend.

[Beckett leaves McKay and Weir to tend to Lucius, who lies back on the inclined bed.]

MCKAY
Are you feeling okay? Can I get you anything?

LUCIUS
(weakly)
No, Rodney. I'm fine.

MCKAY
Are you sure?

LUCIUS
Absolutely.

MCKAY
Because it would be no trouble…?

LUCIUS
(weakly)
Mess hall. Blue Jell-o. Just a little bit of whipped cream.

MCKAY
Right away.

[McKay runs out of the infirmary. Lucius reaches over and clasps Weir's hand.]

LUCIUS
We really should talk about marriage.

[Weir simpers with delight.]

EXT—ATLANTIS, DAY

INT—ATLANTIS CONTROL ROOM

[Zelenka, Weir, McKay and the rest of the control room staff are all grinning with expectation.]

MCKAY
(into radio)
Jumper One, this is Flight. The bay doors are open! You are go for launch!

INT—PUDDLE JUMPER

[Lucius sits at the pilot's chair punching buttons.]

LUCIUS
Go for launch. That's so exciting!

[Beckett pats him on the shoulder and sits in the co-pilot's chair.]

LUCIUS
Thanks, Rodney! All right, here goes!

[He starts to concentrate.]

SHEPPARD
I'll take it from here.

[Sheppard surprises Lucius from behind, snatching the radio from his ear, then manhandling him out of the pilot's chair, cuffing his hands behind him.]

LUCIUS
Wha-? You're supposed to be in jail! Carson…?

BECKETT
(unsympathetic)
Save your breath. Your charm no longer has any effect on me.

[Beckett gets up. Sheppard shoves Lucius into the vacated seat.]

LUCIUS
No. No, but…Carson! We're supposed to be the best of friends.

[Sheppard sits in the pilot's chair.]

SHEPPARD
Carson didn't give you the ATA gene.

LUCIUS
What?

BECKETT
I'm afraid it's a serum that effectively neutralizes the chemical in that herb of yours. Took some myself.

LUCIUS
Oh.

[Beckett leaves the jumper. Sheppard powers up the ship.]

LUCIUS
I don't know what that means.

SHEPPARD
It means we can have that face-to-face conversation you always wanted us to have. The only thing that will happen is you'll catch my cold.

INT—ATLANTIS CONTROL ROOM

[Everyone waits expectantly, starting to worry.]

MCKAY
What is taking him so long? Okay…I should go up there.

[He starts to the jumper bay stairwell, Weir and Zelenka see a change on the monitor.]

WEIR
Wait! Wait! They're taking off!

[Everyone runs to the balcony to witness the flight.]

EXT—ATLANTIS BALCONY, DAY

[They watch the jumper fly away from Atlantis, many overcome by emotion.]

MCKAY
It worked!

WEIR
He's flying it!

ZELENKA

(tearfully)

He says something in Czech.

MCKAY
(tearfully)
Fly, Lucius. Fly.

EXT—ATLANTIS OCEAN

[The jumper flies over the ocean.]

INT—PUDDLE JUMPER

LUCIUS
Where are you taking me?

SHEPPARD
A little vacation. Just enough time to let Doctor Beckett give the serum to the rest of my people without you interfering.

LUCIUS
(defeated)
And then what?

SHEPPARD
Then maybe I'll take you back home. I'm sure your people will be thrilled to see you again.

LUCIUS
(hopeful)
You would do that for me? Without even being under the effect of the herb? After all I did?

SHEPPARD
Well, I'm a nice guy.

LUCIUS
Oh Colonel, I can't thank you enough. Thank you so much—

SHEPPARD
After I give them the serum.

LUCIUS
Oh.

[Lucius's face falls.]

EXT—ATLANTIS, DAY

INT—ATLANTIS CONTROL ROOM

[The wormhole shuts down as Sheppard's team finishes mounting the steps to the control room. Weir and Beckett meet them.]

WEIR
So, how was Lucius's homecoming?

SHEPPARD
Well…they didn't kill him, although I do see a string of divorces in his future.

RONON
That's if they haven't strung him up first.

MCKAY
Well, the townspeople are over their withdrawal and on the mend, so I doubt that will happen.

TEYLA
That is, unless we discover he's revealed the location of Atlantis to anyone.

[She looks to Ronon.]

RONON
In which case, I said I would track him down, hang him by his feet, and cut off his—

WEIR
(interrupting)
Thank you. We get the idea.

[They exchange smiles.]

SHEPPARD
So, everyone here, uh…back to normal?

[Weir looks to Beckett, who smiles and nods.]

WEIR
We're still fine, John.

SHEPPARD
(teasing dramatically)
No lingering…desires? Secret longings for his touch?

[Weir and Beckett glare at Sheppard.]

BECKETT
It's embarrassing enough without you constantly reminding us, thank you.

SHEPPARD
All right. All right.

[He turns and slaps McKay good-naturedly on the chest.]

SHEPPARD
Hey, buddy. I better get back and clean your quarters before the next scout.

[He rushes away. Looking guilty, McKay quickly turns.]

MCKAY
Right.

[Teyla and Ronon close ranks, blocking McKay's path as they glare at him.]

WEIR
Rodney!

MCKAY
It was a—one teeny-tiny taste, for research purposes.

WEIR
(sternly)
Burn it.

BECKETT
(sternly)
All of it.

WEIR
Right now.

MCKAY

Fine.

(under his breath)
Story of my life.

[He turns to go, this time his teammates let him pass. He gives Teyla a charming smile as he passes. She rolls her eyes in response. ]

FADE OUT

END CREDITS

Transcribed for Solutions by Aurora Novarum, June 2008.

SGA 3.03 "Irresistible" Transcript

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