7.02 Homecoming Part 2: The Breadbox Edition

Previously on Stargate SG-1…

The writers have "homaged" Star Wars near to death; audience doesn't give a womprat's ass. Nuby has captured Jonas and is extracting information from his mind. The non-Jonas fans are elated, and more than willing to help with torture if needed.

And now, on Stargate SG-1…

FADE IN

INT. GATEROOM

[SAM AND JACK RETURN VIA GATE, WHILE HAMMOND AWAITS AT THE END OF THE RAMP.]

S/J SHIPPERS: Walking side by side down the ramp. Oh, if only they were dressed for a wedding, as they should be. Hammond could do the ceremony, Chevron guy could be a witness…

NOROMOS: Audience members would be tossing their cookies instead of rice…

HAMMOND: Where are Daniel and Jonas?

JACK: Still on the ship.

NOROMOS: Please don't mention that word. How about "metallic object in the sky" or something?

INT. NUBY'S SHIP

NUBY: You appear to be unharmed by the mind probe.

AUDIENCE: There's have to be something there to probe first.

NON-JONAS FANS: We *gave* our suggestions for the probe use at the end of the last ep. But we're still willing to help, if torture is necessary. Or even if it's not.

JONAS: Thanks for the concern.

AUDIENCE: You're welcome.

JONAS: Nothing you learn from me will help you.

NUBY: Oh, we shall see about that. Welcome home, Jonas Quinn.

AUDIENCE: Are they "homaging" Independence Day with the way the ship enters Kelowna's airspace? But if Nuby starts threatening to blow up Alderaan, we're outtie.

NON-JONAS FANS: But in this case, Alderaan equals Kelowna.

AUDIENCE: Oh, we forgot that point. Who's got the popcorn?

SLASHERS: Not us, we've just got chocolate sauce.

AUDIENCE: Why chocolate sauce?

SLASHERS: Um. No reason.

INT. SGC

[HAMMOND, JACK AND SAM DISCUSS THE FACT THAT NUBY'S SHIP IS STILL IN OPERATION, AND YU HAS APPARENTLY LEFT THEM HANGING OUT TO DRY.]

CHEVRON GUY: Offworld activation.

DREYLOCK (via radio): Ambassador Dreylock, of the Kelownan High Council. We need help. We're under attack.

HAMMOND: As I've explained before, we don't give a rat's ass.

AUDIENCE: Damn right. Let 'em go boom! Big boom! Knock yourselves out with Blowing Shit Up!

WRITERS: [whimper] You're tempting us. We like Blowing Shit Up, but we *like* the Kelownans too.

AUDIENCE: You're the only ones. Trust us.

INT. YU'S SHIP

[YU'S FIRST PRIME VISITS TEAL'C IN THE BRIG.]

SLASHERS: Oh, my. Indeed.

FIRST PRIME: My master is not well, and I don't believe he can take a new host.

AUDIENCE: We think he's suffering from a severe case of Writerus Crapatacious. It's terminal.

INT. BUNKER ON KELOWNA

[JACK AND SAM ARRIVE VIA GATE, KELOWNANS BEGIN WHINING AT THEM IN MERE SECONDS.]

AUDIENCE: We have a theory…did the Goa'uld transplant nothing but lawyers and politicians to this planet? It would explain the exceptionally high weasel factor in their gene pool.

[JACK AND SAM TELL THE KELOWNANS THEY THINK DANIEL AND JONAS ARE ON NUBY'S SHIP ABOVE THE CITY.]

JACK (into radio): Daniel?

SLASHERS: Please let the record show he didn't even ask for Jonas. Probably knew the idiot had gotten captured anyway.

JONAS: Hey, I resemble that remark!

DANIEL (via radio from Nuby's ship): Jack?

JACK: What's your situation?

DANIEL: I'm running around aimlessly in corridors because the writers don't have a clue.

JACK: So, business as usual?

DANIEL: Is it?

AUDIENCE: Yes. Unfortunately.

INT. YU'S SHIP

[TEAL'C AND YU'S FIRST PRIME…I'M GETTING TIRED OF CALLING HIM THAT, AND I NEVER HEARD A NAME USED, SO I'M GOING TO CALL HIM SKIPPY.]

TEAL'C: Yu is no longer fit to lead, but we need the help of a System Lord to stop Nuby. Yu's Jaffa will follow you in his name.

SKIPPY: But Ba'al? He's cool, so you know the writers are going to mess it up.

INT. BUNKER ON KELOWNA

[THE KELOWNAN'S FILL JACK AND SAM IN ON HOW NUBY'S FORCES HAVE INVADED.]

COMMANDER HALE: Whine, whine, whine, killed the First Minister.

AUDIENCE: Got it on tape for instant replay?

COMMANDER HALE: Whine, whine, whine, naquadria.

AUDIENCE: Don't. Care.

[SAM FIGURES OUT NUBY MUST HAVE LEARNED ABOUT NAQUADRIA FROM A MIND PROBE OF JONAS, AND THAT EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT HOW TO STABILIZE IT DOESN'T MEAN NUBY CAN'T.]

INT. YU'S SHIP

[TEAL'C AND SKIPPY PLAY MIND GAMES WITH BA'AL, AND ENJOY IT IMMENSELY.]

TRI-SMUTTERS: There's a fic there, we're just *sure* of it.

INT. BUNKER ON KELOWNA

[SAM FIGURES OUT THAT NUBY HAS ALL THE AVAILABLE NAQUADRIA, SO HE MUST BE LOOKING FOR KELOWNA'S STARGATE. OR MAYBE THE LOCAL "CLICHE SUPERVILLIANS R US" STORE.]

DREYLOCK: We did go to war, but we negotiated a cease-fire.

COMMANDER HALE: We used the naquadria bomb.

JACK: On people?

AUDIENCE: That tends to be how one uses them.

DREYLOCK: We immediately regretted it.

AUDIENCE: We're sure that makes all the dead people feel *so* much better.

DREYLOCK: But it worked out, it brought the Tiranian and Andari to the table to negotiate.

AUDIENCE: More like bent over a barrel, to beg for their lives.

SAM: Nuby will want all the naquadria.

DREYLOCK: The mine is dead now, there's no more.

SAM: You think he'll believe you? He'll occupy this planet, then probably kill you all when he's done.

AUDIENCE: Sounds like a winning plan to us. We'll bring the party favors and snacks.

SAM: We'll help you fight, but we'll need the cooperation of all the nations on this world.

[THE KELOWNANS LOOK LIKE THEY'RE AUDITIONING FOR A LAXATIVE COMMERCIAL.]

INT. NUBY'S SHIP

SCIENTIST: I've finished analyzing the naquadria, and it will really Blow Shit Up.

NUBY: Of course, the writers created it.

WRITERS: [preen]

SCIENTIST: We've already learned all we can from Jonas Quinn. Why keep him alive?

NON-JONAS FANS: Good question!

NUBY: He may still prove to be very useful.

NON-JONAS FANS: Doubtful. Unless you're in need of an ethicist, who wouldn't know ethics if they bit him on the ass. Or maybe you have a way to power your ship on an endless supply of bananas and smarmy shit-eating grins.

INT. ANOTHER PART OF NUBY'S SHIP

[DANIEL FINDS WHERE JONAS IS BEING HELD.]

NON-JONAS FANS: Why, oh why?

INT. BUNKER ON KELOWNA

[THE TIRANIAN AND ANDARI AMBASSADORS ARE INTRODUCED TO JACK AND SAM, AND SHOWN HOW THE STARGATE WORKS AS TEAL'C ARRIVES.]

INT. ANOTHER PART OF NUBY'S SHIP

[DANIEL IS WHISPERING TO JONAS VIA THE AIRDUCTS, EXPLAINING THAT NUBY'S SHIP IS IN ORBIT AROUND KELOWNA.]

JONAS: It's all my fault.

DANIEL: Don't blame yourself.

AUDIENCE: Nah, plenty of us have blamed him, not sure if there's room for one more.

JONAS: I joined Stargate Command in the hope that one day I'd be able to protect my people from the Goa'uld, but instead I led them right to them.

AUDIENCE: So he joined for purely selfish reasons, and feeling guilt over Daniel's death and how his people had acted had nothing to do with it?

WRITERS: Guilt? We don't understand that word. Can you use it in a sentence?

AUDIENCE: [sigh]

INT. BUNKER ON KELOWNA

[TEAL'C EXPLAINS THAT THEY'VE ASKED FOR BA'AL'S HELP. JACK IS NOT A HAPPY CAMPER AND MAKES TEAL'C EXPLAIN IT TO THE REPS OF THE PLANET OF THE IDIOTS.]

TEAL'C: We've asked the System Lord Ba'al to help your world, even though you're all a worthless piles of shit since you tried to blacken DanielJackson's name as he lay dying. But I digress.

[AMBASSADORS BICKER AND WHINE. SURPRISE.]

SEVARIN: There are no Goa'uld in the skies over Tirania.

AUDIENCE: Do you think they're going to check your citizenship before they blow up your planet? Idiots.

INT. NUBY'S SHIP

NUBY: Have you found a way to stabilize the naquadria?

GOA'ULD SCIENTIST: I believe I have.

NUBY: Then use it to power up the ship's weapons system, and let's Blow Shit Up. And see if it'll help boost the satellite system while you're at it. The reception for Sci Fi is awful. My robes look all faded.

INT. ANOTHER PART OF NUBY'S SHIP

[SAM CONTACTS DANIEL VIA RADIO, AS HE TRIES TO FREE JONAS FROM HIS CELL.]

AUDIENCE: Why bother? Why, why, why?!

[TWO JAFFA ENTER THE ROOM, DANIEL GOES INTO HIDING.]

AUDIENCE: Don't worry, it's not like they can actually *shoot* you, they'll just shoot in your general direction, and miss every damn time.

[NUBY ORDERS HIS SCIENTIST TO FIRE THE WEAPON, BUT THE SYSTEM OVERLOADS. THE RESULTING EXPLOSION DISRUPTS POWER ON THE SHIP, AND PROVIDES A DISTRACTION FOR DANIEL TO GET AWAY.]

NUBY: What did you do, buy cheap crap at Radio Shack?

GOA'ULD SCIENTIST: I don't understand, I compensated for the instability.

NUBY (to Jaffa): Kill him.

AUDIENCE: There's just no job security with a System Lord, is there?

[DANIEL FINDS JONAS IN A CELL WITH A FAILING FORCEFIELD AT THE DOOR. JONAS TOUCHES THE FIELD.]

JONAS: Ow, that hurt.

DANIEL: Wanna talk hurt? Try a slow, painful death lasting three days. Then we'll compare notes.

JONAS: I think I can make it…

DANIEL: You'd better, I don't want to have to take you out in a dustpan.

NON-JONAS FANS: It would be a fitting end for a rubbish character.

[JONAS RUNS THROUGH THE FIELD AND IS ONLY MILDLY SINGED. AUDIENCE IS GREATLY DISAPPOINTED.]

DANIEL: Let's go this way!

JONAS: Are you sure?

DANIEL: Nope.

AUDIENCE: At least there's a bit of humor and not yet another round of pointless running around in corridors.

INT. GATEROOM

JACK: The Kelownans are requesting additional weapons and troops to deal with the Jaffa on the ground.

HAMMOND: I can't authorize that. Besides, letting the weasels die would suit me just fine.

JACK: How about a couple of SG teams as "technical advisors"?

HAMMOND: That'll work. How about some "friendly fire" against the Kelownans while they're there?

AUDIENCE: We (heart) Hammond.

INT. BUNKER ON KELOWNA

[SAM GETS A REPORT THAT NUBY'S JAFFA IS RAIDING THE MUSEUM OF ANTIQUITIES.]

SAM: He's not an art connoisseur, so he's looking for something. Were there any tablets found with the gate?

HALE: Those were classified and given to the scientists working on the naquadria bomb.

AUDIENCE: And we're certain that Brain Trust knew what to do with them. Idiots.

INT. NUBY'S SHIP

[DANIEL AND JONAS RUN DOWN A CORRIDOR.]

AUDIENCE: [sigh] We thought we'd seen the last of this stuff.

WRITERS: Nope, there're more pointless running around in corridors to look forward to this season.

AUDIENCE: Damn.

DANIEL: How's the arm?

JONAS: I can wiggle my fingers!

NON-JONAS FANS: And we're *so* proud of you, little trooper. [rolls eyes]

INT. BUNKER ON KELOWNA

HALE: Eight men? That's all you brought?

JACK: Eight *good* men.

AUDIENCE: As long as they're not Kelownans, you can pretty much assume they're good.

SAM: Nuby's looking for a crystal.

AUDIENCE: He's into New Age?

SAM: The data Nuby needs is recorded on a crystal.

AUDIENCE: Oh. Were the Goa'uld into New Age?

INT. NUBY'S SHIP

[DANIEL AND JONAS RUN DOWN A CORRIDOR.]

AUDIENCE: [sigh] Is it nearly over?

DANIEL: I couldn't remember what this was like.

JONAS: Fun isn't it?

DANIEL: Yeah.

JONAS: Look, if we get out of this…

DANIEL: Oh, you can keep the office.

AUDIENCE: No he can't!

SLASHERS: At least ask for your desk and couch back, for sentimental reasons.

JONAS: Actually, I was talking about SG-1.

DANIEL: Ah. You took the position because you felt guilty about what happened to me and you thought you could make up for it by finishing my work and now that I'm back, you…

AUDIENCE: It might have helped if the writers had actually written scenes in which Jonas acted like he gave a rat's ass about what happened to Daniel, instead of explaining off screen that's what we were supposed to be seeing.

[DANIEL AND JONAS FIND A RING PLATFORM, AND JONAS KNOWS THERE WAS A PLATFORM FOUND WITH THE GATE ON KELOWNA. THEY DECIDE TO USE IT, KNOWING IT HASN'T BEEN USED IN 2,000 YEARS.]

AUDIENCE: Is it under extended warranty?

INT. STORAGE ROOM ON KELOWNA

[TEAL'C FINDS THE CRYSTAL NUBY'S SEARCHING FOR, JUST AS NUBY'S JAFFA ENTER THE ROOM. DANIEL AND JONAS RING IN JUST IN TIME TO SAVE THE DAY.]

AUDIENCE: Of course. [rolls eyes]

INT. BUNKER ON KELOWNA

[SAM PRESENTS JACK WITH THE NEW AGE CRYSTAL.]

S/J SHIPPERS: Squee!

HALE: I'll take that.

[HALE HAS RATTED THEM OUT TO NUBY, MUCH TO NONE OF THE AUDIENCE'S SURPRISE. A GOA'ULD STANDOFF ENSUES.]

JACK: You're an idiot.

AUDIENCE: We've been saying that about the Kelownans for ages, and no one listens to us.

HALE: I've made a deal with Nuby.

JACK: Thus confirming my last statement.

AUDIENCE: Word.

[IT'S REVEALED THE TIRANIANS AND ANDARI, AS WELL AS THE KELOWNANS, ARE STILL PLOTTING AGAINST EACH OTHER, MUCH TO THE SURPRISE OF NO ONE IN THE AUDIENCE. JONAS TRIED TO INTERCEDE IN THE ENSUING ARGUEMENT, BUT A JAFFA BITCH SLAPS HIM.]

AUDIENCE: Kree, baybee, kree!

[HALE HANDS OVER THE CRYSTAL, THE JAFFA THEN SHOOTS HIM, MUCH TO NONE OF THE AUDIENCE'S SURPRISE. AGAIN.]

JAFFA: The rest of you will be publicly executed.

JACK: Does it *have* to be public?

[THE JAFFA ACTIVATES HIS STAFF WEAPON IN JACK'S FACE.]

JAFFA: I could kill you now.

JACK: Public is fine.

EXT. SPACE

[BA'AL'S FLEET ARRIVES, SHIT STARTS BLOWING UP.]

WRITERS: Wheeeeee!

INT. BUNKER ON KELOWNA

[CHAOS REIGNS AS THE JAFFA AND THE SGC AND KELOWNAN/TIRANIANS/ANDARI USE THE DISTRACTION OF SHIT BLOWING UP TO FIGHT BACK. THE JAFFA LEADER TRIES TO DIAL OUT, BUT SAM TACKLES HIM BEFORE HE CAN GO THROUGH THE GATE.]

JAFFA LEADER: You hit like a girl! Now where's the crystal, you made me drop it.

[DANIEL SEES THE CRYSTAL AND TRIES TO GET IT AS THE JAFFA LEADER ORDERS THE OTHERS TO FIRE AT HIM. JONAS LEAPS IN FRONT OF THE ENEMY FIRE LIKE A POORLY WRITTEN PLOT DEVICE IS BITING HIM ON THE ASS. OH, WAIT, IT IS.]

EXT. SPACE

[BA'AL IS TAUNTING NUBY, BUT IT'S TOO LATE, NUBY'S ALREADY BAILED IN AN ESCAPE POD.]

INT. BUNKER ON KELOWNA

[JONAS LIES WOUNDED ON THE FLOOR, WRITHING IN PAIN.]

NON-JONAS FANS: We like. We like a lot.

DANIEL: I owe you one.

JONAS: Call it even.

AUDIENCE: You're so very *not* even. Not even close.

DANIEL FANS: Damn right!

INT. GATEROOM

[JONAS AND DREYLOCK ARE SET TO RETURN TO KELOWNA. THE ENTIRE SGC IS THERE FOR THE AFTER-PARTY.]

JACK: Got everything packed? Toothbrush, clippers, hair gel? 'Cause we don't want to have to see you again.

NON-JONAS FANS: Buh-bye, don't let the gate hit you in the ass on the way out. Or let it, we don't really care.

[THE AUDIENCE IS TORMENTED WITH SAPPY GOODBYES FROM HAMMOND AND THE TEAM TO JONAS. AUDIENCE AIN'T BUYING.]

JONAS: Hey Daniel, feed my fish.

DANIEL: To what? Sam gave her cat to an alien.

[THE GATEROOM CLEARS OUT, AS DANIEL LOOKS AT THE GATE.]

DANIEL: Jack, it's not that I mind rejoining SG-1 and exploring the galaxy, meeting new cultures, jeopardy, saving the world, that kind of thing. [pause] We get paid for this, right?

JACK: Welcome back.

DANIEL FANS: Can we get a hell yeah?! And maybe another butt shot?

AUDIENCE: Amen!

FADE OUT

NEXT WEEK, FRAGILE BALANCE, IN WHICH JACK IS SHRUNK DOWN CLOSE TO THE SIZE OF HIS ROLE IN THE SHOW THIS SEASON