7.03 Fragile Balance: The Breadbox Edition

Previously on Stargate SG-1…

Thor has a crush on Jack. The audience is unsure whether this is a shippy or slashy relationship, but they're pretty sure it will squick them out either way. The smutters are just really confused.

And now, on Stargate SG-1…

FADE IN

[SAM GETS OUT OF THE ELEVATOR AND IS GREETED BY GENERAL HAMMOND. HE TELLS HER THAT SOMEONE TRIED TO USE JACK'S ID CARD TO GET IN TO THE BASE. THE OFFENDER INSISTS ON SEEING SAM.]

AUDIENCE: Why Sam?

S/J SHIPPERS: Because he knows Sam would be able to recognize any…ah…identifying marks. Tee hee!

SLASHERS: Yeah, right. It's more likely that he's avoiding Daniel laughing his ass off for as long as possible.

[SAM AND HAMMOND ENTER A ROOM, AND SEE ITS OCCUPANT, A TEENAGE BOY.]

YOUNG JACK: Thank you. Now we're getting somewhere.

S/J SHIPPERS: Squee! He knows Sam will be the one to save the day! And she wuvs him and he wuvs her!

NOROMOS: Oh, please. Right now the only thing that could happen would *definitely* end up with Sam in prison. For sex with a minor, not the usual reg breaking stuff.

AUDIENCE: You really think the writers would let that stand in the way of shippy shit?

WRITERS: *Nothing* shall stand in the way of that!

TEAM FANS: Damn straight, damn it.

SAM: He's a boy, Sir.

AUDIENCE: Lighting quick on figuring things out, ain't she?

YOUNG JACK: Come on…it's me.

S/J SHIPPERS: He *knows* she'll recognize him!

AUDIENCE: Yeah, because he's acting like an ass.

YOUNG JACK: I am not impersonating anyone. I am Jack O'Neill.

AUDIENCE: Think maybe we can get him to take over now that Old Fart O'Neill has succumbed to terminal Cosmic Giddiness (tm)?

OPENING CREDITS

INT. SGC

[SAM QUESTIONS YOUNG JACK ABOUT WHERE HE GOT THE ID.]

YOUNG JACK: I didn't get it anywhere. It's mine.

SAM: Because you're Colonel O'Neill?

YOUNG JACK: Look, last night, I ate some dinner, had a beer, went to bed and woke up like this. Now can we please just get to the part where you and Fraiser run some tests, find a cure and make me big again?

SLASHERS: He's conveniently skipping over the bit where he and Daniel had hot monkey sex, we see. Or wish we'd seen.

[DANIEL ENTERS THE ROOM.]

DANIEL: This is the security breach?

YOUNG JACK: Daniel…will you tell them who I am…please?

SLASHERS: Let the record show…

S/J SHIPPERS: [pout] We don't want to hear it.

SLASHERS: We don't have to say it, we know it, so that's enough for us. No, it's not, we still want video. Cash offer, no questions asked.

DANIEL: Okay…love to…who are you?

HAMMOND: This young man claims he's Colonel O'Neill.

DANIEL: It's a joke, right?

YOUNG JACK: (frustrated) Daniel!

DANIEL: Sounds like him…at least the loud, grating parts.

AUDIENCE: [snerk]

SLASHERS: Get him to scream your name really loud, and you'll know for certain.

NOROMOS: [sigh]

YOUNG JACK: Okay…you want proof?

JACK FANS: Yeah, we're thinking a birthmark check might be in order.

YOUNG JACK: I don't have a birthmark.

JACK FANS: We'll be the judge. Drop trou. Um, no, never mind. We'll need to wait until you're officially legal, so we don't squick ourselves out.

YOUNG JACK: Carter, you once carried a Tok'ra named Jolinar, who gave her life to save you. Daniel, until recently, you were an Ascended being. Ya broke the rules. Ya got yourself kicked outta the Oma Desala fan club and had your memory erased.

[TEAL'C ENTERS THE ROOM, AND STANDS IN FRONT OF YOUNG JACK AS HE CONTINUES HIS RANT.]

YOUNG JACK: And you and Bra'tac both just lost your snakes in a Goa'uld ambush. Had your tretonin yet this morning?

[YOUNG JACK AND TEAL'C HAVE A STARE DOWN, THEN TEAL'C TURNS TO THE OTHERS.]

TEAL'C: How could this child possess such knowledge?

YOUNG JACK: Because…it's…me.

AUDIENCE: That Cosmic Giddiness (tm) has come back to bite you in the ass, hasn't it?

SLASHERS: And it's not nearly as much fun as when Daniel does it, is it?

INT. SGC HALLWAY

[HAMMOND ASKS THE TEAM TO SPECULATE ON HOW A BOY COULD KNOW CLASSIFIED INFORMATION.]

SAM: Well, Sir…it could be him.

DANIEL: There is a physical resemblance.

SLASHERS: Oh, *really* now? That's just too easy for us to bother with any other comments. We'll save them for later.

HAMMOND: But he can't be more than fifteen years old. Are you saying Colonel O'Neill has, somehow, regressed more than thirty years overnight?

AUDIENCE: He means physically instead of mentally, right? Because he's been acting like fifteen year-old for the last couple of seasons.

DANIEL: Stranger things have happened…

TEAL'C: Name but one.

DANIEL: Well, there was the time he got really old, the time he became a caveman, the time we all swapped bodies…

AUDIENCE: Well, at least Daniel's been checking the Weird Shit-o-Meter regularly. Hey wait, is this recovery of lost memories?

WRITERS: He got it back off-screen. Lots of stuff happens off-screen.

SLASHERS & SHIPPERS: It surely d…

[WORLD STOPS SPINNING AS THEY AGREE.]

NOROMOS: Just. Stop.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[HAMMOND, DANIEL, TEAL'C AND JANET ARE SEATED AROUND THE TABLE.]

JANET: Initial tests show that within an acceptable margin of error, the boy's DNA is virtually identical to Colonel O'Neill's.

[SAM ASKS ABOUT THE MARGIN OF ERROR, AND JANET EXPLAINS THAT IN A COURT OF LAW, IT WOULD BE A MATCH. THERE IS ONE ABNORMALITY, BUT FOR ALL INTENTS, IT'S JACK.]

DANIEL: Tiny abnormality? Like the fact that he's suddenly quite a few years younger than he's supposed to be?

AUDIENCE: Daniel, check out the Weird Shit-o-Meter again. It's pegging out at around eleven now.

[JANET SAYS THIS IS OUT OF HER LEAGUE, BUT SHE HAS SOME SPECIALISTS FLYING IN.]

AUDIENCE: Specialists? Would that be a Specialist in the field of People Suddenly Turning Young, or the more general Specialist in Weird Shit?

HAMMOND: In the meantime, I suggest we try to make him as comfortable as possible.

SAM: I'll go set up a PlayStation.

AUDIENCE: [snerk] Make sure you get him a flight sim.

INT. SGC CAFETERIA

[YOUNG JACK IS SHARING A MEAL WITH TEAL'C AND SAM.]

YOUNG JACK: You know, I think you two are enjoying this just a little too much.

SAM: Well…you are kinda cute.

S/J SHIPPERS: Squee!

YOUNG JACK: That's "Sir" to you.

NOROMOS: And that's a major smackdown for us!

YOUNG JACK: And being trapped inside a scrawny little body isn't my idea of cute, Carter.

[TEAL'C ASKS IF HAVING A YOUNGER BODY HAS ADVANTAGES, SUCH AS INCREASED HEALTH AND VITALITY.]

YOUNG JACK: My "vitality" was just fine, thank you.

SLASHERS: We're sure Daniel's willing to back you on that one, if you'll pardon the possible pun.

[SAM EXPLAINS THAT WHAT TEAL'C IS SAYING IS THAT MANY OF US WOULD WANT A CHANCE TO BE YOUNG AGAIN, AND LIVE OUR LIVES OVER, BUT JACK SAYS HE DOESN'T PLAN ON STAYING LIKE THIS.]

SAM: Well, in the meantime, may I make a suggestion? Try enjoying this as much as we are…Sir.

AUDIENCE: Yes, Jack. The young are *allowed* to act immaturely.

INT. JACK'S HOUSE

[YOUNG JACK, DANIEL, TEAL'C AND SAM WANDER THROUGH THE HOUSE, LOOKING FOR CLUES. THE HOUSE IS IN A MESS, WITH THE KITCHEN TABLE PILED WITH OLD FOOD CONTAINERS AND BEER BOTTLES.]

DANIEL: Well, it's nice to know some things don't change.

SLASHERS: And we say, "ahem."

YOUNG JACK: I wasn't exactly expecting visitors.

SLASHERS: No, not after last night, eh?

[TEAL'C IS LOOKING IN THE REFRIGERATOR.]

TEAL'C: Are you conducting some sort of scientific experiment, O'Neill?

YOUNG JACK: Hey, come on, that salsa's still good!

[YOUNG JACK GOES TO THE FRIDGE, AND PULLS OUT A BOTTLE OF BEER AND TWISTS OFF THE TOP, BUT SAM GRABS THE BOTTLE BEFORE HE CAN TAKE A DRINK.]

AUDIENCE: Party pooper.

[THE TEAM QUESTIONS HIM ABOUT WHAT HE LAST REMEMBERS, AND THEY DECIDE WHATEVER HAPPENED TO HIM MUST HAVE HAPPENED WHILE HE WAS ASLEEP.]

AUDIENCE: Their powers of observation are just smokin' today.

INT. JACK'S BEDROOM

SLASHERS AND HETSMUTTERS: We're taking notes for future reference.

[YOUNG JACK IS STANDING IN THE DOORWAY AS THE REST LOOK THROUGH HIS ROOM. DANIEL IS LOOKING THROUGH THE CHEST OF DRAWERS AND STARTS TO PULL OUT SOME UNDERWEAR.]

YOUNG JACK: Hey! Do you mind?

SLASHERS: Why should he? It isn't like he hasn't seen Jack's undies before. Besides, it's possible he was trying to remove incriminating evidence.

[TEAL'C TURNS ON A LAMP, WHICH SHINES IN JACK'S FACE AND TRIGGERS A FLASHBACK. WE SEE SOME GREEN DOTS FLOATING AROUND, AND THEN WE SEE AN ASGARD FACE.]

YOUNG JACK: Either I'm…remembering a particularly bad dream…or the Asgard paid me a little visit last night.

DANIEL: Well, it would have to have been after three, and oh, nevermind. I never said anything.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[HAMMOND AND SG-1 ARE DISCUSSING WHAT THEY THINK HAS HAPPENED TO JACK.]

DANIEL: Jack's account sounds like a number of UFO abduction case files I've read.

YOUNG JACK: This you remember…my birthday you forget.

SLASHERS: [perk]

DANIEL: Looks like you'll have a lot more.

AUDIENCE: He shoots, he scores!

SLASHERS: No, he scored last night before the Asgard came a callin'.

[THEY DISCUSS HOW THIS DOESN'T MATCH UP WITH ALL PREVIOUS ACCOUNTS WITH THE ASGARD, ESPECIALLY NOW THAT THEY'RE ALLIES.]

DANIEL: General, I'd like to cross-reference some of these old abduction accounts. See if I can find any connection.

[HAMMOND TELLS SAM SHE HAS A BRIEFING TO RUN AT 1300 HOURS, BUT YOUNG JACK OBJECTS, SAYING HE WAS THE ONE SUPPOSED TO RUN IT.]

HAMMOND: Given your current situation, I feel it would be best if Major Carter handled it. I'm sure you can impart any information she needs to know to fill in the gap.

[YOUNG JACK SPUTTERS IN FRUSTRATION.]

INT. HAMMOND'S OFFICE

[YOUNG JACK PLEADS WITH HAMMOND TO LET HIM LEAD THE BRIEFING, BECAUSE HE HAS MORE EXPERIENCE WITH THE 302 THAN ANYONE ELSE.]

HAMMOND: The bottom line is a room full of seasoned pilots aren't going to respect the opinion of a boy.

[YOUNG JACK CONTINUES TO MAKE HIS CASE, SAYING IF THEY'RE GOING TO WORK AT THE SGC, THEY MIGHT AS WELL GET USED TO WEIRD SHIT HAPPENING. HAMMOND STILL TELLS HIM NO, AND JACK GETS POUTY.]

FEMALES IN THE AUDIENCE: We're starting to have filthy thoughts.

SLASHERS: Welcome to our world.

INT. DANIEL'S LAB

[DANIEL AND TEAL'C ARE SEARCHING FOR OTHER ALIEN ENCOUNTER STORIES WITH SIMILARITIES TO JACK'S. THEY NARROW THE SEARCH DOWN, AND FIND THE MOST RECENT ONES HAPPENED NINETEEN YEARS AGO. EIGHT CASES ARE IN THE US, SO IF THEY CAN FIND SOME OF THESE PEOPLE, THEY'RE GOING TO QUESTION THEM.]

INT. A BRIEFING ROOM

[SAM WALKS UP TO THE PODIUM AND BEGINS SPEAKING TO THE PILOTS ABOUT THEIR UPCOMING MISSION. THEY IMMEDIATELY BEGIN DISSING HER, ASKING WHY O'NEILL, WHO WAS THE PILOT, ISN'T CONDUCTING THE BRIEFING, INSTEAD OF HER, THE MERE SECOND SEAT *AND* A SCIENTIST. SAM QUICKLY LOSES CONTROL OF THE MEETING, AND WE HEAR VOICES FROM OUTSIDE THE ROOM. IT'S YOUNG JACK TRYING TO GET IN, WHILE SAM TRIES TO CARRY ON THE MEETING AND IGNORE THE DISRUPTION. SHE FINALLY GIVES UP, AND GOES TO THE DOOR TO TELL THE TWO SFS THEY CAN RELEASE HIM.]

YOUNG JACK: I'll forgo the charges for assaulting a superior officer. Carter…[whispers] I could've taken him.

AUDIENCE: Yeahsureyoubetcha.

[JACK TRIES TO TAKE OVER THE MEETING.]

CAPTAIN: Major, is this a joke?

SAM: No…this is Colonel O'Neill.

AUDIENCE: Who lately usually *is* a joke.

[JACK USES HIS BEST COMMAND VOICE, AND THE PILOTS BEGIN TO REALIZE THAT HE'S THE REAL DEAL, AND JACK CONTINUES THE BRIEFING.]

AUDIENCE: Are we *certain* the writers like Sam? Because they just showed her losing control of the room, and then had them listening to a teenager instead of her. Doesn't look so good for her career.

NOROMOS: Neither does ship, but they don't seem to care.

WRITERS: We LOVE Sam! It's just that Jack's da MAN!

FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS: [ringing, lethal silence]

WRITERS: Oh, like we care! You're not our preferred demographic.

EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE US

[DANIEL AND TEAL'C ARE TALKING WITH A MAN WHO HAD AN ALIEN ENCOUNTER TWENTY-SIX YEARS AGO.]

MAN: I was asleep in my bed, and a light appeared in my room and took me.

DANIEL: Took you where?

MAN: Some kind of spacecraft, I suppose. I was weightless, floating in mid-air. And yet…

[SCENE TRANSITIONS TO A WOMAN TELLING A SIMILAR STORY.]

WOMAN: It was dark, cold…I couldn't move a muscle even though I was wide-awake.

DANIEL: After the light hit you, then what?

WOMAN: The devices came. They were these green, glowing balls that floated around me.

[SCENE TRANSITIONS TO A MAN SPEAKING CANTONESE, WITH A YOUNG WOMAN ACTING AS HIS INTERPRETER.]

FANFIC WRITERS: Note that Cantonese *isn't* one of the twenty-three languages Daniel can speak.

INTERPRETER: He said that after the small green spheres stopped scanning him, they left him alone for a long while. And then a voice spoke to him, telling him not to be afraid. And that he would soon be safe again.

DANIEL: Could you ask Professor Wu if he actually saw who was speaking to him?

[PROFESSOR WU FLASHES BACK TO HIS ABDUCTION, AND HE SEES AN ASGARD.]

INT. HAMMOND'S OFFICE

[SAM AND DANIEL ARE TALKING WITH THE GENERAL. DANIEL EXPLAINS THAT THE ACCOUNTS WERE BASICALLY IDENTICAL, AND THEY ALL MATCHED JACK'S VERSION, EXCEPT FOR THE BIT ABOUT JACK WAKING UP YOUNGER.]

DANIEL: Everything else is bang on. Taken while sleeping, floating paralysis, out of body experience…now, admittedly, all of this does sound familiar, cliché even, if you watch enough TV…

AUDIENCE: [choke] Um, writers? Just because you acknowledge it's a cliché doesn't make it any less a cliché.

WRITERS: We keep telling you, it's a "homage."

AUDIENCE: And we keep telling *you* it's a boring ripoff.

[DANIEL CONTINUES HIS REPORT, SAYING THE DETAILS, SUCH AS THE GREEN GLOBES, WERE TOO SPECIFIC TO BE COINCIDENCE. AND THEY ALL DESCRIBED AN ASGARD.]

SAM: The Asgard haven't responded to our attempted communications.

[JANET ENTERS THE ROOM.]

JANET: Well, if help is coming, it better arrive soon.

INT. SGC GUEST QUARTERS

[YOUNG O'NEILL IS PLAYING A VIDEO GAME WHEN SAM ENTERS.]

SAM: How are you doing?

YOUNG JACK: Well, I think I'm getting another zit. And, uh, oh, yeah…I'm still a kid. Uh, but beyond that I'm doing just peachy, thanks. Why?

SAM: Well, Janet's just finished going over the genetic team's analysis of your test results.

YOUNG JACK: How bad can it be?

AUDIENCE: The young have really short attention spans, don't they?

SAM: You're probably not feeling the effects yet, but something is happening to your body at the cellular level. Basically, your genetic structure is growing more unstable…

[YOUNG O'NEILL CUTS HER OFF, AND INDICATES SHE SHOULD USE SMALL WORDS.]

SAM: Colonel…you're dying.

AUDIENCE: Well, that certainly summed things up. But why did Sam tell Jack, instead of Janet? Is Sam now a medical doctor, on top of everything else?

S/J SHIPPERS: She had to be the one to tell him because she's his One True Love!

NOROMOS: [sigh]

INT. SGC INFIRMARY

[JANET IS TAKING A BLOOD SAMPLE FROM YOUNG JACK. SAM IS HELPING.]

AUDIENCE: So she *is* studying to be a medical doctor?

JANET: You'll notice fatigue first. In the end, your body's vital organs will completely shut down.

DANIEL FANS: Ask Daniel what it's like to die. He's got *plenty* of experience.

SAM: It's like something inside you is causing a total system failure.

AUDIENCE: Cosmic Giddiness (tm) overdose?

INT. SGC

[SAM AND JACOB ARE TALKING ABOUT JACK'S SITUATION. THEY ENTER THE ROOM AND JACOB STARES AT YOUNG JACK.]

JACOB: Daniel laughed his ass off, didn't he? I'm struggling to keep a straight face myself.

[JACOB'S THERE TO HELP JACK, BUT THE ONLY THING HE CAN THINK OF IS TO PUT HIM IN STASIS UNTIL THEY CAN FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.]

YOUNG JACK: I've been down this road with the Tok'ra before. No offense, Jacob, but the last time you guys helped me out of a jam I ended up rescuing an old girlfriend I'd never met before.

JACOB: We would never subject you to another blending without your express permission.

YOUNG JACK: Good. Because it's never gonna happen.

AUDIENCE: That's what you said before, but you did finally agree. Never say never.

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[SAM AND DANIEL ARE ON THE WAY TO TALK TO YOUNG JACK.]

SAM: You think he'll do it?

DANIEL: If I have to drag the little tyke, kicking and screaming, through the gate myself. I didn't come all this way to watch him die like this…

SLASHERS: [sigh] Yes. Oh. Yes.

BDSMERS: Spank him if you need to.

[AS THEY OPEN THE DOOR TO YOUNG JACK'S QUARTERS, THEY SEE AN UNCONSCIOUS GUARD ON THE FLOOR, AND NO SIGN OF JACK. DANIEL GOES RUNNING DOWN THE CORRIDOR, WHILE SAM PICKS UP A HANDSET NEXT TO THE DOOR TO LET SECURITY KNOW ABOUT THE BREACH.]

DANIEL FANS: Run, Daniel, run! We don't know what you're doing, but you sure are looking good doing it.

[YOUNG JACK MANAGES TO GAIN ACCESS TO A DOOR THAT LEADS TO THE SURFACE VIA A LADDER.]

AUDIENCE: Um…why is he running? If they did manage to find a cure, he's not going to be there to use it. Is this yet another example of Idiot!Jack? And since they've used this ladder as a plot device before, why isn't it secured now?

SECURITY: The writers told us not to, something about a "plot hole" or something.

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[DANIEL, SAM AND HAMMOND DISCUSS THAT THE BASE HAS BEEN THOROUGHLY SEARCHED, AND THERE'S NO SIGN OF YOUNG JACK. THEY ASSUME THAT HE'S MANAGED TO GET OUTSIDE.]

HAMMOND: I've notified state and local authorities. With any luck, they'll find him soon.

[JANET JOINS THEM.]

JANET: Sir…there's something you all need to see.

SLASHERS: Did Janet score us some video?

EXT. COLORADO SPRINGS

[YOUNG JACK IS EXITING A LIQUOR STORE, WITH THE CLERK CLOSE BEHIND, CHASTISING HIM FOR TRYING TO BUY A BEER, AND ON A SCHOOL NIGHT, NO LESS. YOUNG JACK THEN SEES A MAN IN AN AIR FORCE JACKET WALKING BY. IT'S SOMEONE HE KNEW YEARS AGO, BUT YOUNG JACK SAYS HIS "UNCLE" JACK O'NEILL KNEW HIM.]

YOUNG JACK: Look, uh, seeing as how you know my uncle and all…you think you could do me a little favor?

[JACK HOLDS OUT SOME MONEY, BUT THE MAN SHAKES HIS HEAD AND HEADS INSIDE.]

INT. SGC INFIRMARY

[JANET IS TALKING TO DANIEL, SAM AND HAMMOND, WITH JACOB SITTING AT THE COMPUTER.

JANET: Selmak has had a chance to digest some of the DNA test results we've been collecting, and it seems Colonel O'Neill's condition isn't what we first thought.

[JANET GOES ON TO EXPLAIN THAT THE TINY ABNORMALITY REALLY DID MAKE A DIFFERENCE.]

SELMAK: This is not Colonel O'Neill.

SAM: But…

JANET: He's a clone.

AUDIENCE: And anyone who hasn't seen the Sci Fi promo twenty-nine million times might actually be surprised.

INT. HAMMOND'S OFFICE

[DANIEL, SAM AND TEAL'C TALK WITH HAMMOND.]

HAMMOND: No word yet on…what exactly do we call him at this point?

SAM: Duplicate O'Neill?

AUDIENCE: She has *no* imagination. How about Jack Lite?

SLASHERS: Less filling, tastes great?

AUDIENCE: Ew, no. How about Mini Jack?

SLASHERS: How about instead of calling him a knockoff, we call him a Jackoff?

AUDIENCE: You're just totally hopeless, aren't y'all?

SLASHERS: Yes, and loving every minute of it.

[DANIEL, SAM AND TEAL'C EXPLAIN WHAT THEY THINK IS HAPPENING. THE ASGARD DEPEND ON CLONING TO REPRODUCE, BUT THEY SUFFER FROM MEDICAL CONDITIONS DUE TO THOUSANDS OF YEARS OF CLONING.]

DANIEL: We had the abductees' DNA that Teal'c and I interviewed scanned for the same abnormalities as…duplicate O'Neill. As far as we can tell, none of them are clones.

HAMMOND: Translation into something resembling English?

SAM: Well, in all likelihood, the Asgard responsible took the original people and replaced them with duplicates so as not to arouse suspicion.

DANIEL: They studied the original for a period of time and then switched them back.

HAMMOND: You think whoever took the real Colonel O'Neill is going to return him?

AUDIENCE: You know Hammond's just shuddering over the thought of two Jacks.

[AUDIENCE LOOKS AT THE SLASHERS.]

SLASHERS: What? Why is everyone looking at us? It could just as easily be the hetsmutters running with that idea.

HETSMUTTERS: Hm…we could go with either a Sam Sandwich or a Janet one. This could work.

SLASHERS: See! We're not the only pervy ones around here!

SAM: It's all we've got, Sir. We're hoping the fact that Colonel O'Neill's clone didn't fully mature is a mistake.

AUDIENCE: Maybe the clone's age was determined by the way the original has been acting recently?

[THEY THINK THE ASGARD RESPONSIBLE WILL BE SWITCHING CLONE JACK FOR THE REAL ONE, AND THEY WANT TO CATCH HIM/HER/IT IN THE ACT. HAMMOND THEN GETS A PHONE CALL FROM ONE LT. COLONEL BECK, WHOM YOUNG JACK TRIED TO GET TO BUY HIM BEER.]

EXT. WOODED AREA

[YOUNG O'NEILL IS SITTING ON A BOULDER AT THE RIVER'S EDGE, WHILE FISHING. THE REST OF SG-1, ALONG WITH TWO GUARDS, ARRIVE AND START DOWN THE EMBANKMENT.]

YOUNG JACK: Unless you brought beer, that's close enough.

AUDIENCE: He's fixated on beer, isn't he? Do we need to stage an intervention?

SLASHERS: We could tie him up.

AUDIENCE: That's a bit extreme to keep him away from beer, don't you think?

SLASHERS: Away from beer? Oh, sorry, we digressed.

SAM: Colonel, we need you to come back with us.

YOUNG JACK: Tell Jacob thanks for trying, but I'm not interested in the deep-freeze deal.

DANIEL: Look, we're not here to take you to the Tok'ra. There may not be much time.

YOUNG JACK: Never is, is there?

DANIEL: Okay, well…There's no easy way to tell you this so…Sam's just gonna come right out and say it.

[SAM GIVES DANIEL THE EVIL DEATH GLARE, BUT AFTER DYING SO MANY TIMES PREVIOUSLY, HE'S IMMUNE.]

SAM: Well, sir…as you know, the Asgard depend on cloning technology…

YOUNG JACK: Oh, for cryin' out loud…

TEAL'C: You have been cloned, O'Neill.

YOUNG JACK: What?!

DANIEL: We think the Asgard took the real you and made a copy. An unstable one, at that.

AUDIENCE: Unstable? How can you tell?

YOUNG JACK: Where's the original?

SAM: Well, that's what we hope to find out. But we need your help.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[SG-1 IS DESCRIBING THEIR PLAN TO HAMMOND.]

SAM: The switch is the only chance we have of capturing whoever's behind this.

YOUNG JACK: What about the fact that this body is dying? I mean, has anyone even thought about that for a second?

[CRICKETS CHIRP.]

YOUNG JACK: Oh. I see. You don't care as long as you get the original back.

AUDIENCE: Oh, how we *wish* we could get the original Jack back.

SAM: We just…We don't know what else to do for you.

TEAL'C: Perhaps the Asgard responsible can correct his mistake.

YOUNG JACK: You're never going to intercept one of those Asgard beams. The only chance you have of capturing this guy is me.

HAMMOND: A zat gun.

YOUNG JACK: Thank you, Sir.

INT. JACK'S BEDROOM

[YOUNG JACK IS ON THE BED, READING A MAGAZINE. WHILE CHECKING IN WITH THE REST OF THE TEAM, HE'S TRANSPORTED BY AN ASGARD TRANSPORTER. WE SEE THE ORIGINAL JACK IN HIS BED AS SAM, TEAL'C AND DANIEL ENTER THE BEDROOM.]

SAM: Colonel, you all right?

[NOTHING.]

S/J SHIPPERS: [pout]

DANIEL: Jack. Jack!

[STILL NOTHING.]

SLASHERS: [pout]

TEAL'C: O'Neill.

[JACK STIRS.]

SLASHERS: Jackpot!

JACK: What are you all doing in my bedroom?

AUDIENCE: They ought to really yank his chain a bit and tell him about the orgy last night.

SMUTTERS: Yeah!

NOROMOS: Please, they really don't need any encouragement.

SLASHERS: But video is always nice.

INT. ASGARD SHIP

[YOUNG JACK IS FLOATING IN THE SAME ROOM OTHER ABDUCTEES HAVE DESCRIBED. AN ASGARD COMES INTO THE ROOM.]

ASGARD: Hello. Do not be afraid.

[YOUNG JACK ZATS THE ASGARD, THEN AN OBJECT OVERHEAD, THEN HE DROPS TO THE GROUND.]

INT. JACK'S BEDROOM

JACK: I assume this is…important?

SAM: Just a little, Sir.

AUDIENCE: And it's about a "Little Sir."

WRITERS: And you talk about *our* crappy jokes!

AUDIENCE: It's a homage. Bite us.

INT. ASGARD SHIP

[YOUNG JACK FIGURES OUT THE CONTROLS, AND BEAMS THE REST OF THE TEAM, ALONG WITH OLD FART JACK, ONTO THE SHIP. YOUNG JACK STANDS IN FRONT OF OLD FART JACK.]

JACK: What's goin' on?

YOUNG JACK: Wow, uh, you know, I'm really much taller than I think.

SAM: Colonel O'Neill, meet…Colonel O'Neill.

JACK: What's goin' on?

DANIEL: We're pretty sure this Asgard over here kidnapped you and attempted to replace you with a clone.

[JACK LOOKS CONFUSED. MORE THAN NORMAL, THAT IS. THE ASGARD WAKES UP.]

ASGARD: What's happening?

SAM: We were kind of hoping you could tell us.

ASGARD: No, no, no. This is all wrong.

AUDIENCE: Shoe's on the other foot, isn't it? Well, if the Asgard wore shoes.

JACK: I'll tell you what's wrong. I just woke up, haven't had coffee, let alone a pee in seven days…and I find out you stole my ass and made a…mini me.

DANIEL: Why don't you tell us who you are?

ASGARD: Loki.

DANIEL: According to Norse mythology, that's the god of mischief.

SAM: What did you want with Colonel O'Neill?

LOKI: I have nothing more to say to any of you.

YOUNG JACK: Maybe you're a little put out…but this guy didn't hit all the right buttons on the Xerox. This body is gonna fall apart if he doesn't fix me.

LOKI: I cannot. All the clones suffer the same fate.

JACK: Okay. I'm going back to my original question…what's going on?

[LOKI EXPLAINS THAT HE WAS FORMERLY A GENETICIST FOR THE ASGARD, BUT WAS STRIPPED OF HIS STATUS AFTER HE WAS CAUGHT PERFORMING UNSANCTIONED EXPERIMENTS ON HUMANS.]

JACK: What? You've got sanctioned ones?

AUDIENCE: We were going to ask that question, but of course, we'll never get an answer.

[LOKI EXPLAINS THAT HE HOPED TO USE HUMANS AS A TEMPLATE, SINCE THEIR ORIGINAL FORM WAS SIMILAR TO HUMANS. SO FAR, HE'S BEEN UNABLE TO CREATE A CLONE THAT COULD CONTAIN THEIR MASSIVELY SUPERIOR INTELLECT.]

YOUNG JACK: So much for massively superior intellect.

JACK: I was gonna say that.

AUDIENCE: You're wigging us out, because we were going to say the same thing.

DANIEL: Why risk coming back here and breaking the law after nineteen years?

LOKI: Because I thought he was the one. I believed his genetic code contained the key. He was physiologically advanced enough to carry and utilize all the data from the Ancient repository of knowledge. That would not be possible for any human one generation ago. He is a significant step forward on your evolutionary path.

AUDIENCE: If Jack is our evolutionary future, can we opt out of the gene pool, right now?

[LOKI SAYS THE REST OF THE ASGARD HAVE BEEN BUSY WITH THE WAR WITH THE REPLICATORS, SO HE SNUCK BACK TO TEST JACK.]

YOUNG JACK: Look, I know this isn't all about me…but come on, seriously…I'm dying here.

LOKI: I cannot reverse your fate. Nor can I explain why you did not mature to the proper age as you should have.

[JACK ASKS SAM IF SHE CAN USE THE CONSOLE TO CONTACT THOR, SHE DOES SOMETHING TO THE CONSOLE, AND THEY WAIT.]

DANIEL: Uh, what do we do if Thor doesn't show up?

[THOR SHOWS UP.]

DANIEL: Never mind.

[THOR TAKES LOKI TO TASK FOR WHAT HE HAS DONE.]

THOR: You should have known O'Neill's genetic code was safeguarded for his own protection.

JACK: Excuse me?

THOR: A marker was placed in your DNA to prevent any attempts at genetic manipulation.

[THE TEAM REALIZE THIS IS WHAT THE ABNORMALITY WAS, AND IT WAS WHY THE CLONE DIDN'T MATURE.]

SAM: Is it true that Colonel O'Neill is the key to solving your cloning problems?

AUDIENCE: Because you'd better pray to the deity of your choice he's not, or you're in really bad shape. We'd say to put your heads between your knees and kiss your asses goodbye, but there's not exactly a lot there in the ass department.

THOR: No.

JACK: But I thought I was advanced.

THOR: Indeed you are O'Neill, but our scientists have already determined that while you are an important step forward in the evolutionary chain, the missing link we have been searching for still eludes us.

JACK: Look, Thor…is there anything you can do for him? The whining is starting to grate.

AUDIENCE: We've been saying that for *ages*.

[THOR SAYS HE WILL ATTEMPT TO REPAIR THE DAMAGE, AND IF SUCCESSFUL, THE CLONE SHOULD CONTINUE TO MATURE AT A NORMAL HUMAN RATE.]

EXT. SCHOOL IN COLORADO SPRINGS

[JACK IS DRIVING HIS TRUCK UP TO THE CURB, WHILE YOUNG JACK IS ON THE PASSENGER SIDE.]

JACK: You're sure about this?

YOUNG JACK: I've thought a lot about it. You know…you…me…I mean, we…never really did embrace high school. I don't know. Haven't you ever just wanted to go back and do it all over again? I mean, especially with all you know now?

JACK: No.

AUDIENCE: And Jack is an officer, and therefore has to have at least one college degree under his belt. What is high school going to teach him?

YOUNG JACK: Well, from here on in, you and me are different. Which is why I'm going to do this.

[YOUNG JACK GETS OUT OF THE TRUCK AND CLOSES THE DOOR. HE AND JACK PROMISE THEY WON'T KEEP IN TOUCH, BECAUSE IT WOULD BE TOO WEIRD, BUT IF HE NEEDS ANYTHING, HE SHOULD CONTACT HIM.]

YOUNG JACK: The Air Force has set me up…I'll be fine.

AUDIENCE: Um…how have they set him up? Did they give him some foster parents or what? And why would the Air Force let a young man who's a fully trained Air Force Colonel with a past in special ops run around free? Not to mention what will happen if the NID finds out.

WRITERS: Um. The ending is supposed to be lighthearted and fun!

AUDIENCE: It's not. It makes no sense.

WRITERS: You should be used to it by now.

JACK: You're sure about this? I mean it's…high school.

[YOUNG JACK SEES THREE YOUNG GIRLS LOOKING AT HIM, GIGGLING WHEN THEY NOTICE HIM LOOKING BACK. HE GIVES OLD FART JACK A LOOK.]

JACK: Yes…go forth, young man.

AUDIENCE: And be a dirty old man in a young man's body? Just because the body is fifteen, doesn't mean there's still not a middle-aged old man inside.

WRITERS: Oh yeah, we did say he's still an old man on the inside, didn't we? [pause] Nevermind.

[OLD FART JACK DRIVES AWAY, AS YOUNG JACK WALKS INTO THE SCHOOL, STRIKING UP A CONVERSATION WITH A GIRL.]

NOROMOS: If Jack's lusting after teenage girls, it could explain why Sam's been acting like a giggling schoolgirl.

AUDIENCE: Not. Buying. Jack's a pervert. Ick.

FADE OUT

NEXT WEEK, DANIEL GETS MORE MEMORIES BACK AND TEAL'C GETS A STORY. AUDIENCE FAINTS OUT OF SHEER SHOCK.