7.09 Avenger 2.0: The Breadbox Edition

Previously on Stargate SG-1...

Rumors say there was a season six episode in which an idiot named Felger tried to help the team and made things worse. The writers thought it would be a nifty idea to bring the character back, but it probably has more to do with residuals than any attempt at a story arc.

And now, on Stargate SG-1...

INT. FELGER'S LAB

[FELGER AND HIS ASSISTANT CHLOE ARE WAITING FOR SAM TO ARRIVE.]

AUDIENCE: Is that... Felger?

WRITERS: Yes.

FUBAR FACTION: Our eyes, our eyes!

WRITERS: Oh, you're so melodramatic!

FUBAR FACTION: But we're better actors than *Felger* for crying out loud!

WRITERS: FUBAR FACTION? OK, we'll ask... what is it?

FUBAR FACTION: Felger is a Useless Brown-nosing Annoying Rat.

AUDIENCE: But didn't Jack call him a weasel?

FUBAR FACTION: There's no "W" in FUBAR, and we're traditionalists about the name.

[FELGER TWIDDLES WITH SOMETHING.]

FUBAR FACTION: We can think of some things he can "twiddle."

SLASHERS: We can't! We don't want to! There's not enough bleach on Earth.

FUBAR FACTION: Not *that* you pervs. We were thinking more along the lines of twiddling with something electric, while standing in water.

FELGER: Oh, she should be here any second.

CHLOE: Relax, Jay.

FELGER: Relax? We're on the verge of a major scientific breakthrough. This weapon could be the key factor in our fight against the Goa'uld.

CHLOE: Is it defeating the Goa'uld you're worried about or impressing Major Carter?

FELGER: Hey, unlike some people in this room, I've seen what the Goa'uld can do, first hand.

FUBAR FACTION: We wish you'd seen first hand evidence of torture, you git.

[CHLOE SAYS JAY'S A BRILLIANT SCIENTIST WHO'LL SOMEDAY WIN THE NOBEL PRIZE, SO HE SHOULDN'T CARE WHAT THE MILITARY TYPES THINK OF HIM.]

FUBAR FACTION: They have a Nobel Prize for Stupidest Git in the Known Universe?

AUDIENCE: Careful, you don't want to run out of Felger slams before the end of the show. Pace yourself.

FUBAR FACTION: We really don't think it will be an issue.

FELGER: Colonel O'Neill and I have been to hell and back together. When the mission was over, he looked me in the eye and do you know what he said to me? He said...

[JACK AND SAM ENTER THE ROOM.]

JACK: Is this gonna take long?

[FELGER STUTTERS THAT HE WASN'T EXPECTING JACK, BUT JACK SAYS CARTER TOLD HIM IT WAS IMPORTANT.]

AUDIENCE: And since we know Jack never gets his memos, she had to take him to Felger's lab personally.

S/J SHIPPERS: We're sure there were some detours along the way. Just absolutely certain.

[JACK REACHES OUT TO TOUCH THE DEVICE, BUT FELGER STOPS HIM.]

FELGER: D-d-d-d-don't touch. Don't touch... don't touch... please. This is a finely calibrated device. It fires a focused plasma pulse... Boom!

DANIEL FANS: Besides, you know Daniel will give you grief about touching things.

SLASHERS: That aren't him.

FUBAR FACTION: Let Felger touch it and go boom. We give you permission to blow shit up, just this one time.

WRITERS: No.

FUBAR FACTION: Bastards.

SAM: It's an energy-based weapon, sir. It could potentiallyeplace the missiles on the X-303.

[JACK PONDERS THIS REVELATION.]

JACK: Phaser?

CHLOE: More like a photon torpedo.

STAR TREK FANS: [beating heads against the nearest wall]

STARGATE FANS: [beating heads against the nearest wall]

[FELGER PROCEEDS TO DEMONSTRATE THE WEAPON.]

FELGER: My friends, I present to you... the 22nd century.

[THE POWER BLOWS, LEAVING EVERYONE SITTING IN THE MOOD LIGHTING EFFECT OF EMERGENCY POWER.]

AUDIENCE: Looks more like 19th Century to us.

FELGER: That wasn't supposed to happen.

AUDIENCE: No shit?

OPENING CREDITS

INT. SGC

[HAMMOND, FELGER AND SAM EXIT AN ELEVATOR, AND FELGER WHINES ABOUT HOW SORRY HE IS AND IT WON'T EVER HAPPEN AGAIN.]

FUBAR FACTION: Promise?

[HAMMOND SAYS HE'S PULLING THE PLUG ON THE PROJECT, AND FELGER BEGS HIM NOT TO BECAUSE THEY'RE CLOSE TO A WORKING PROTOTYPE.]

FUBAR FACTION: We bet you're as close to a working prototype as you've ever been to a woman that didn't require an air pump before sex.

HAMMOND: You've been saying that for the last six months. In fact, I've been reviewing your records. It seems that most of the projects you've overseen during your tenure here have been similarly long on promise and short on results.

FELGER: Right... what exactly are you saying?

HAMMOND: I'm saying it may be time for the Air Force to rethink your position here.

FUBAR FACTION: Translation: Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Buh-bye.

NON-JONAS FANS: We hear the weather on Kelowna is lovely this time of year.

[FELGER WHINES THAT IT WOULD BE A MISTAKE BECAUSE HE'S GOT A REALLY NEATO KEEN PROJECT THAT HE'S WORKING ON. SAM AND HAMMOND ASK WHAT IT IS. FELGER STAMMERS AROUND IN STANDARD IDIOT FASHION, AND HAMMOND GIVES HIM TWENTY-FOUR HOURS.]

INT. FELGER'S LAB

CHLOE: What were you thinking?

FELGER: I don't know! I had to say something. They were going to fire me. Besides, what's the big deal? All we have to do is think of something that's going to change the balance of power in the galaxy by noon tomorrow.

CHLOE: You have anything in mind?

AUDIENCE: Hire some decent writers?

WRITERS: We heard that.

AUDIENCE: Good.

FELGER: As a matter of fact, I do... Avenger.

CHLOE: You've got to be kidding.

AUDIENCE: Unfortunately, not.

CHLOE: Oh, Jay, this is exactly your problem. You try so hard to impress people that you always bite off more than you can chew.

FELGER: Okay. Yes, you're right. I have to start setting more realistic goals for myself. Right after this project. Okay?

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[SAM AND FELGER ARE WALKING, DISCUSSING HIS LATEST PROJECT.]

SAM: A computer virus?

FELGER: Yeah, see, when you think about it, the gate network is nothing more than a bunch of linked computers. I mean, delivering the virus is as simple as dialing the target gate and uploading the program.

[FELGER GOES ON TO EXPLAIN THAT THE VIRUS WOULD SCRAMBLE THE DHD'S ESTABLISHED COORDINATES -- BASICALLY LIKE REARRANGING THE LETTERS ON A KEYBOARD. SAM SAYS IT'S AN INTERESTING IDEA, BUT HE HASN'T FINISHED THE PROGRAM. SAM SAYS SHE'LL TAKE A LOOK AT IT, AND IF IT SHOWS PROMISE, SHE'LL TAKE IT TO HAMMOND. AFTER SAM LEAVES, FELGER ONCE AGAIN ACTS LIKE A MAJOR IDIOT, AND IS LOST IN THE CORRIDORS.]

AUDIENCE: Um, but if something goes wrong and the gate system is scrambled, won't that mean the SGC won't have access either? While the Goa'uld will still have ships that they could use to come and stomp our Tau'ri asses? Did Felger think to write an anti-virus program so we could regain control if needed?

WRITERS: [blank stare]

AUDIENCE: [sigh]

WRITERS: You should know better than to fill in plot holes. The show would only last fifteen minutes.

AUDIENCE: In this case, it might be an improvement.

INT. GATE ROOM

[JACK AND TEAL'C ARE GOING OFFWORLD, WHILE SAM IS GOING TO STAY AND WORK WITH FELGER ON THE AVENGER PROGRAM. MARINES ARRIVE TO JOIN JACK AND TEAL'C ON THEIR MISSION.]

HAMMOND: To be honest, Major, I share some of the Colonel's skepticism.

SAM: I know Dr. Felger's record is a little sketchy, sir. But I still think he shows a lot of potential. All he needs is a little support.

FUBAR FACTION: Hammond should have gone with his first instinct and fired his ass. Why in hell is Sam coddling this idiot?

SAM FANS: [shrug] We got nothing.

INT. FELGER'S MOTEL ROOM

AUDIENCE: He's been working with the SGC how long, and he doesn't have his own place?

FUBAR FACTION: It could be worse. They could have shown him living with his mother.

WRITERS: Well, actually...

AUDIENCE: Stop. Just stop.

FUBAR FACTION: Ditto.

[FELGER IS PLAYING WITH A MINIATURE STARGATE SCENE, COMPLETE WITH MODEL FIGURES.]

AUDIENCE: Oh, nice. Had to get in a dig at the obsessive collector fans, didn't you?

WRITERS: At least you're not complaining it's a homage.

COLLECTORS: Can we complain that the action figures are no longer mint in box, and are now worthless?

FUBAR FACTION: In a similar vein... [in Comic Book Guy voice] Worst. Episode. Ever. How's *that* for a homage?

[THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. HE LOOKS THROUGH THE PEEPHOLE IN THE DOOR, SEES IT'S SAM, AND STARTS A PANICKED CLEAN UP. HE GRABS A PAIR OF PANTS, AND HURRIEDLY PULLS THEM ON... BACKWARD.]

AUDIENCE: We get it, he's a geek. Find another drum to bang.

WRITERS: But we like this one! OK, how about we drag out the Sam/Jack ship instead?

S/J SHIPPERS: Yes, yes, yes, oh yes!

REST OF THE AUDIENCE: Y'all sound just like Meg Ryan in "When Harry Met Sally."

S/J SHIPPERS: You say that like it's a bad thing!

WRITERS: Not to interrupt or anything, but we *do* have an episode going on here.

FUBAR FACTION: Could have fooled us.

[FELGER INVITES SAM IN. SHE TAKES A SEAT, BUT HAS TO REMOVE TWO "ACTION FIGURES" TO DO SO. ONE IS A BLONDE FEMALE IN FATIGUES, THE OTHER A BROWN-HAIRED MALE.]

S/J SHIPPERS: Hey, wait, Jack's hair is more silver than brown.

S/D SHIPPERS: And Daniel's is much lighter.

S/T SHIPPERS: We don't even need to comment, right?

ALL SHIPPERS: [ponder] Oh, sweet mother of mercy, anything but Sam/Felger!

SLASHERS: You rang?

BDSMERS: Get in line.

ALL SHIPPERS: Aiee!

[SAM TELLS FELGER SHE TOOK HIS PROPOSAL TO HAMMOND, AND HE'S GIVING HIM ANOTHER CHANCE. THERE'S JUST ONE CONDITION, HE HAS TO WORK WITH SAM. FELGER CHOKES ON HIS DRINK, BUT UNFORTUNATELY SURVIVES.]

FUBAR FACTION: We're sure he's got *no* problem with that.

FELGER: No, no, no... God, no, no. What about SG-1?

SAM: Well, Daniel's working on a relocation project, P3L-997.

FELGER: The moon in the decaying orbit?

SAM: They're experiencing some severe seismic disturbances and some weather anomalies.

FELGER: Mmm, mmm... and then, what about, you know, Colonel O'Neill? Teal'c?

FUBAR FACTION: All mere second-string players to Sam and Felger, right?

WRITERS: Yes.

FUBAR FACTION: We were being sarcastic!

WRITERS: We weren't.

SAM: Uh, they have a series of negotiations with the rebel Jaffa leaders. There's been some infighting, some old rivalries cropping up.

FELGER: Well, they have to settle that... yeah, yeah, yeah... I guess that means you get stuck with me, then.

SAM: No, no, I wouldn't put it that way. I think the basic idea behind the virus is, actually, quite brilliant.

[FELGER GIGGLES LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL.]

SCHOOLGIRLS: We're kinda offended here.

GIRLS IN GENERAL: Get used to it if you're going to continue watching this show.

INT. FELGER'S LAB

[FELGER IS MAKING A BAD FASHION STATEMENT EVEN WORSE BY WEARING A TIE.]

CHLOE: And cologne?

FELGER: You know, there is nothing wrong with a man taking pride in his appearance... and smell.

FUBAR FACTION: Something really stinks on ice here.

CHLOE: This wouldn't have anything to do with Major Carter coming to work with us, would it?

FELGER: Don't be ridiculous.

FUBAR FACTION: No, it's Felger's job to be ridiculous.

[CHLOE BEGINS TO FIX HIS TIE FOR HIM.]

FELGER: Of course, though, you know, you do have to admit, she possesses one of the most... brilliant scientific minds of our generation... and a pair of legs that won't quit.

AUDIENCE: [rolls eyes]

[CHLOE HAS A LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH FUN TIGHTENING FELGER'S TIE.]

FUBAR FACTION: OK, we (heart) Chloe.

FELGER: Well, anyway, what chance has a guy like me got with a woman like that? She barely notices I'm alive. You know what that's like?

CHLOE: A little.

FUBAR FACTION: OK, we're over the whole (heart)ing thing now.

NOROMOS: Can we *please* get over this "As the Stargate Turns" fixation and get back to, you know, some actual sci fi?

AUDIENCE: There y'all are! You've been awfully quiet.

NOROMOS: We thought since all the guys in the team were off world, we might have a quiet hour, unless the femslashers started acting up. But no, they're even trying to go shippy with Felger, fer cryin' out loud.

WRITERS: Hey, hey, we've still got a show on here.

AUDIENCE: Not for much longer, if you bring back Felger back again.

[SAM JOINS FELGER AND CHLOE.]

FEMSLASHERS: Seriously, Chloe needs to dump this idiot Felger and go after Sam. They're both brilliant woman, they'd get along swimmingly.

NOROMOS: We just *knew* you couldn't leave that one alone.

FEMSLASHERS: It's not exactly like they've given us a lot to work with. We calls 'em like we see 'em.

[THE NEW SCIENCE TRIO WORKS ON THE PROJECT, AS FELGER LUSTS OVER SAM AND GENERALLY IGNORES CHLOE.]

FEMSLASHERS: Since part of the sequence included Felger watching Sam and Chloe hug, we're now even more convinced they'd be a nice couple.

INT. HAMMOND'S OFFICE

[SAM TELLS HAMMOND THEY THINK THE VIRUS IS READY, BUT THERE'S NO REAL WAY TO TEST IT, EXCEPT ON ANOTHER GATE. THEY DECIDE TO TARGET P5S-117, ONE OF BA'AL'S PRINCIPLE NAQUADAH MINING SITES. THERE'S A TOK'RA OPERATIVE ON THE PLANET WHO CAN RELAY THE RESULTS OF THE TEST THROUGH THEIR COMMUNICATION NETWORK.]

INT. FELGER'S LAB

[CHLOE'S TYPING, WHILE FELGER PACES.]

FELGER: Those Tok'ra are taking the sweet time, aren't they? Huh? You think we would've heard something by now.

TOK'RA FANS: Bite us, snakeless monkey boy.

[THEY HEAR SAM BEING CALLED TO THE CONTROL ROOM, SO FELGER HEADS OUT TO MEET HER THERE.]

INT. CONTROL ROOM

FELGER: What's going on?

SAM: Colonel O'Neill and Teal'c missed a scheduled contact.

AUDIENCE: And that required Sam being called to the control room?

S/J SHIPPERS: Well, like *duh*, silly.

[JACK REPORTS IN VIA THE MALP'S CAMERA THAT EVERYTHING WAS GOING ACCORDING TO PLAN, THEN THEY HIT A LITTLE SNAG -- THEY CAN'T DIAL THE GATE. HAMMOND AND SAM IMMEDIATELY LOOK AT FELGER.]

FELGER: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, this is just a coincidence. There's no way this could have anything to do with my virus. No... could it?

INT. FELGER'S LAB

[FELGER TRIES TO CONVINCE HAMMOND AND SAM THERE'S NO WAY AVENGER COULD HAVE HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE GATE PROBLEM.]

AUDIENCE: Gee, you just released a virus that affects gates, and now a gate is down. Total coincidence.

HAMMOND: Avenger?

FELGER: That's what I call the virus. You know, it's named after a comic book I read when I was a kid... The Amazing Avenger. Green tights... purple cape. He was super strong, super fast. You know, not as fast as The Flash. That would be ridiculous. Of course, this isn't ringing any bells with anybody, is it?

COMIC BOOK FANS: You're on your own, Annoying Wonder.

FUBAR FACTION: He's the Lord God King Geek, isn't he?

COMIC BOOK FANS: And not in the good way.

[HAMMOND WONDERS IF IT WAS SENT TO THE WRONG GATE, BUT SAM SAYS THEY'VE DOUBLE-CHECKED THE COORDINATES. UNTIL THEY HEAR BACK FROM THE TOK'RA THEY WON'T KNOW IF IT WORKED ON THE TARGET GATE. OF COURSE, AT THIS POINT, THE OFFWORLD ACTIVATION ALARM GOES OFF. IT'S A TOK'RA OPERATIVE NAMED THELESS.]

THELESS (via comm): General, I'm afraid I have to report a series of malfunctions within the gate system.

HAMMOND: Malfunctions?

THELESS: Several gates have gone off-line. As yet, we have no idea why. We are still in the process of gathering information.

[SAM ASKS ABOUT P5S-117, BUT THELESS SAYS THEY'RE STILL WAITING FOR A TRANSMISSION FROM THEIR OPERATIVE THERE, BUT SENDS WHAT INFORMATION THEY DO HAVE. SAM GOES OFF TO ANALYZE THE INFORMATION. HAMMOND AND CHEVRON GUY ARE GIVING FELGER DIRTY LOOKS.]

FELGER: I'll go help.

FUBAR FACTION: We're certain they're so reassured now.

INT. FELGER'S LAB

[HAMMOND ENTERS THE LAB AND ASKS SAM FOR A REPORT. SHE RECOMMENDS PULLING ALL OFFWORLD TEAMS BACK NOW, AND HAMMOND SAYS THEY'VE ALREADY STARTED. SAM SAYS THEY NEED TO SNAP TO IT. SHE SHOWS HIM A STAR MAP OF THE GATE SYSTEM, AND HOW THE GATES ARE FAILING OUTWARD FROM THE ORIGINAL TARGET GATE. APPARENTLY AVENGER TRIGGERED THE GATES TO DO AN AUTOMATIC UPDATE, INCLUDING THE SCRAMBLED COORDINATES. THERE'S NO TIME TO STOP IT, THE ENTIRE NETWORK WILL BE DOWN IN LESS THAN TWO HOURS. HAMMOND LEAVES, APPARENTLY WITH A VEIN IN HIS TEMPLE THROBBING.]

FELGER: He's really mad, isn't he?

FUBAR FACTION: He's going to check to see if the firing squad is still an option.

INT. GATEROOM

[THE LAST SGC PERSONNEL FROM ONE LOCATION RETURN. THE NEXT IN LINE IS THE PLANET DANIEL'S TEAM IS ON.]

INT. FELGER'S LAB

[FELGER'S HAVING A PANIC ATTACK AND BREATHING INTO A BROWN PAPER BAG, WHILE CHLOE TRIES TO CONSOLE HIM. HE SAYS HE SHOULD HAVE STOPPED AT CHEMISTRY 201 WHEN HE SET THE LAB ON FIRE, AND SAVED EVERYONE THE TROUBLE.]

CHLOE: This is Stargate Command. You wouldn't be here if you weren't very good at what you do.

FUBAR FACTION: Oh, please. Chloe, have you checked out recent events?

[SAM ENTERS THE LAB. SHE TELLS HIM THAT THREE TEAMS OUT OF FIFTEEN HAVE RETURNED. THE REST, INCLUDING DANIEL'S, ARE STRANDED. THE FLOODWATERS ARE THREATENING DANIEL'S TEAM, BUT THEY'RE SAFE AT THE MOMENT.]

JACK AND TEAL'C FANS: Um, what about the *other* two members of the team?

J/T SLASHERS: We're sure they've found ways to remain entertained.

[HAMMOND CALLS SAM ON THE LAB'S PHONE. THEY'VE CONTACTED THE TOK'RA, AND ACCORDING TO THEIR REPORTS, THE ENTIRE GATE SYSTEM IS DOWN. FELGER STARTS BREATHING INTO THE BAG AGAIN.]

INT. CONTROL ROOM

[JACK'S REPORTING VIA MALP TRANSMISSION TO HAMMOND. HE SAYS THE MISSION'S GONE SOUTH, AND IT LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THE JAFFA COMMANDERS SOLD THEM OUT. EVERYTHING WAS GOING FINE UNTIL THE GATE WENT DOWN AND THEY ALL STARTED ACCUSING EACH OTHER OF SABOTAGE.]

SAM: Sir, we think we know what caused your gate to malfunction. It was the virus.

JACK (moving closer to the MALP camera): Felger's virus?!

SAM: It created a new coordinate system that then spread to all the DHDs, but, since we don't have a DHD, we have the only gate that can dial out.

JACK: I told you not to trust that brown-nosing little weasel!

FELGER: He doesn't know I'm standing here, does he?

FUBAR FACTION: He doesn't *care* that you're standing there, you git.

SAM: Sir, I'm just as responsible as anyone else.

FANS WHO'VE BEEN THINKING SAM'S GETTING TOO BIG FOR HER BRITCHES: [faint]

[TEAL'C AND JACK'S LOCATION COMES UNDER ATTACK BY ALKESH, AND THE SGC LOSES THE SIGNAL -- THE MALP'S BEEN HIT, AND THEY WERE JUST A FEW FEET FROM IT. AFTER A FEW MOMENTS, AUDIO CONTACT IS REESTABLISHED. THEY'RE STILL IN ONE PIECE, BUT THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE COVER. SAM SUGGESTS SENDING REINFORCEMENTS, BUT HAMMOND VETOES IT UNTIL THEY GET THE PROBLEM FIXED.]

INT. FELGER'S LAB

[SAM, FELGER AND CHLOE TRY TO THINK OUT THE PROBLEM LOGICALLY. THE ENTIRE GATE NETWORK IS DOWN, BUT THEY CAN STILL DIAL OUT BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE A DHD THAT COULD BE AFFECTED BY THE VIRUS. BUT IF THEY COULD MAKE ANOTHER CHANGE TO CORRECT THE COORDINATES, IT SHOULD CAUSE ANOTHER UPDATE THAT WOULD BRING THE SYSTEM BACK ONLINE. BUT IT WOULD REQUIRE RANDOM DIALING.]

CHLOE: Seven symbols chosen from a pool of thirty-eight non-repeating candidates? That's about sixty-three billion possible combinations.

FELGER (to Sam): She's good with numbers. I was going to get her to do my taxes.

FUBAR FACTION: Can we kill him now?

FEMSLASHERS: It would make things a lot easier for us.

AUDIENCE: Um. We can still gate out, so what about taking a portable dialing device to the affected gates where teams are still out? Since they're not DHDs, they shouldn't be affected, and should allow our people to get home while buying time to figure out how to fix the virus problem.

WRITERS: We hate you.

AUDIENCE: You're welcome.

WRITERS: You do realize if we use that idea, we'll have to add at *least* fifteen minutes of running up and down corridors, right?

AUDIENCE: Never mind. We don't know nothin' 'bout no plot holes.

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[HAMMOND TELLS SAM THAT WITH THE GATE SYSTEM DOWN, BA'AL HAS THE MOST SHIPS, AND THEREFORE HAS THE ADVANTAGE. HE'S ATTACKING OTHER SYSTEM LORDS ON SEVERAL FRONTS, AND IS WINNING.]

INT. FELGER'S LAB

[FELGER'S MOM CALLS HIM, AND ENDS UP BERATING HIM OVER HIS FAILURES, AS SAM WALKS IN DURING THE CONVERSATION. FELGER DOESN'T KNOW SHE OVERHEARD THINGS, SO HE TRIES TO PRETEND IT WAS COOMBS.

PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T WATCHED SEASON SIX: Whatever.

SAM: Look, Jay, I know you feel bad about this.

FELGER: What's to feel bad about? I mean, it probably took the Ancients a thousand years to build the 'gate system, and I wrecked it in a single day. Not to mention the fact that I've isolated us from all the off-world resources we're going to need to defend ourselves, leaving us sitting ducks for the next Goa'uld attack. But who cares?

SAM: Look, I need you to get past feeling guilty and focus on finding a solution.

S/J SHIPPERS: Yeah, she's got to get her man back!

NOROMOS: [glare]

FELGER: That's easy for you to say 'cause you never make mistakes.

SAM: I don't?

FELGER: Oh, come on... you're perfect. Everybody knows that.

FANS WHO'VE BEEN THINKING SAM'S GETTING TOO BIG FOR HER BRITCHES: Oy. Don't give her any ideas.

[SAM TELLS HIM ABOUT BYPASSING THE DIALING PROTOCOLS AND ALMOST BLOWING UP A SUN.]

WRITERS: Which would have been *so* bitching if we'd had the budget for it!

FELGER: That's it! That's it! That's it! Oh... even your mistakes are perfect.

FANS WHO'VE BEEN THINKING SAM'S GETTING TOO BIG FOR HER BRITCHES: Oh, puhleeze.

FELGER: You were able to bypass the security protocol because you created your own dialing program.

SAM: So?

JACK FANS: And? But? Therefore?

REST OF THE AUDIENCE: Um.

JACK FANS: What? Someone's got to take up the slack.

FELGER: So, we can do that here. Instead of trying to tweak the DHD program back to it's original form, why don't we just upload everything from our dialing computer?

SAM: Our program is nowhere near as sophisticated as the one that exists in the DHDs. It's completely jerry-rigged.

[FELGER SAYS IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT, AS LONG AS THE COORDINATE SYSTEM IS CORRECT. THE DHDS WILL MAKE ANY ADJUSTMENTS NEEDED. HE THINKS.]

INT. CONTROL ROOM

[DANIEL IS REPORTING IN. IT'S POURING DOWN RAIN WHERE HE IS.]

DANIEL FANS: About damn time.

DANIEL: Yeah, sorry to rain on your parade guys, but it didn't work.

AUDIENCE: [rim shot]

SLASHERS: What? Where? We weren't paying attention, we were playing cards!

AUDIENCE: Well, at least you weren't off doing something pervy.

SLASHERS: You haven't seen the deck of cards. Or the bets.

BDSMERS: We can't place any bets without a safe word.

[DANIEL SAYS THEY'VE TRIED DIALING EARTH AND THE ALPHA SITE, BUT COULDN'T GET A LOCK. THE FLOOD WATER'S RISING FAST AND SEISMIC ACTIVITY IS CAUSING ROGUE WAVES. WITHIN FORTY-EIGHT HOURS, THE ENTIRE CITY WILL BE UNDER WATER.]

FELGER: It should have worked!

FUBAR FACTION: Will someone *please* hit him with a Clue Bus? Five or six times would be a start.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[HAMMOND ASKS SAM IF THEY'VE MADE ANY PROGRESS, BUT SHE SAYS SHE CAN'T FIND FELGER.]

FUBAR FACTION: Sounds like progress to us.

HAMMOND: I thought you said all he needed was a little support.

SAM: Yeah, I may have been wrong about that. Okay, I admit it. He's a complete screw-up.

FANS WHO'VE BEEN THINKING SAM'S GETTING TOO BIG FOR HER BRITCHES: Does anyone have some smelling salts? We're feeling a bit woozy again.

SAM: He makes rash decisions based on sketchy evidence, he's clumsy in the lab, he's always late and, quite frankly, it wouldn't kill him to ease up on the after-shave, but the fact is, sir, he's at Stargate Command because he's a brilliant scientist. And no one understands that virus better than he does.

HAMMOND: Then, I suggest you get him back.

FUBAR FACTION: You've still checked out the firing squad option, right George?

EXT. PARK

[FELGER IS STANDING ON A BRIDGE, TEARING OFF PIECES OF BREAD AND THROWING IT TO NONEXISTENT DUCKS. SAM ARRIVES, WEARING CIVVIES.]

AUDIENCE: We're on a deadline, and she took the time to change clothes?

WRITERS: She had to blend in with the locals.

AUDIENCE: In Colorado Springs, where the Air Force Academy and Cheyenne Mountain are based, and people are used to seeing folks in military garb?

WRITERS: [blank stare]

FELGER: How did you find me here?

SAM: I called your mother. She told me this is where you come when you need to think.

FELGER: This is the very spot I was standing when I figured out how to recombine epsilon particles in a sub-space matrix... Then I got mugged by some teenagers. Still, it's a nice spot though.

SAM: Jay, you designed the virus. You're the man for the job. Forget about the big picture for a second. Forget about the consequences. Just focus on the problem. Why didn't the upload work?

FELGER: I don't know. It should've. Every gate in the galaxy should be back online. Except for P5S-117.

[SAM WONDERS IF THE VIRUS REPLICATED ITSELF AND THEN SPREAD THROUGHOUT THE GATE SYSTEM. FELGER SAYS THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE, IT WASN'T DESIGNED TO DO THAT.]

SAM: Well, it wasn't designed to trigger a correlative update, either. You said it yourself, Jay. The DHD program is adaptive.

AUDIENCE: The man just has no concept of the term "Weird Shit-o-Meter."

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[SAM AND FELGER TELL HAMMOND THEY MAY HAVE A SOLUTION. THEY THINK THE VIRUS ITSELF IS BLOCKING THE UPLOAD. THEY NEED TO NEUTRALIZE IT, BUT FIRST THEY HAVE TO FIND IT. THEY DO KNOW IT EXISTS SOMEWHERE IN THE ORIGINAL TARGET DHD ON P5S-117, BUT THEY HAVE TO PHYSICALLY GO TO THE PLANET TO REMOVE THE CONTROL CRYSTAL AND REBOOT THE SYSTEM.]

FELGER: General, I'd like to volunteer.

FUBAR FACTION: Bwahahahahahahaha. [ahem]

FELGER: Oh, come on, I've got off-world experience. I battled the Goa'uld. I zatted a Jaffa.

FUBAR FACTION: Bwahahahahahahaha. [ahem] Sorry, can't help it.

[SAM SUGGESTS THEY BOTH GO, SINCE FELGER KNOWS MORE ABOUT AVENGER.]

FUBAR FACTION: But that's not saying much.

INT. FELGER'S LAB

[FELGER'S PACKING DUCT TAPE INTO A BACKPACK, WHILE CHLOE TRIES TO TALK HIM OUT OF GOING.]

RED GREEN FANS: If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

REST OF THE AUDIENCE: Oooooooookaaaaaaay.

RED GREEN FANS: The Red Green Show is kind of like the flu; not everybody gets it.

FELGER: I know what I'm doing, okay?

[HE STARTS TO LEAVE.]

CHLOE: Jay, the anti-virus.

[SHE PUTS THE CD IN HIS POCKET.]

FELGER: Okay, yeah... yeah, yeah, I'm gonna need that. Alrighty.

PEOPLE OF THE TAU'RI: We're boned.

[HE STARTS TO LEAVE AGAIN, BUT CHLOE STOPS HIM AGAIN, GRABS HIS JACKET LABELS AND KISSES HIM.]

FELGER: What... what was that for?

CHLOE: Good luck.

FELGER: Oh... right.

[HE FINALLY LEAVES, WITH A FEW BACKWARD GLANCES AT CHLOE.]

AUDIENCE: We're having bad thoughts of them breeding. Chloe's not stupid, but Felger is the Black Hole of Stupid.

EXT. P5S-117

[SAM AND FELGER ARRIVE, AND SAM SETS OUT TO RECON THE AREA, LEAVING FELGER TO WORK ON THE DHD ALONE, AND TRY NOT TO WET HIS PANTS.]

RED GREEN FANS: We now come to the part of the show called "If it ain't broke, you're not trying!"

INT. CONTROL ROOM

[JACK'S MAKING ANOTHER REPORT VIA MALP. HE SAYS THE JAFFA LANDED THE ALKESH AND THEY'RE SENDING OUT SEARCH PATROLS. HE AND TEAL'C HAVE ORGANIZED THE REBELS FOR A COUNTERATTACK.]

HAMMOND: Be advised, Colonel. Major Carter has gone to P5S-117. She's attempting to get the gate system back on line.

JACK: That's occupied territory, sir.

HAMMOND: Yes, it is.

JACK: What team did she take?

HAMMOND: Major Carter didn't want to risk stranding anyone else.

JACK: She went alone?

S/J SHIPPERS: Squee! He's worried about her!

NOROMOS: Whatever. We're playing cards with the slashers. We're not into any romance on the show, but damn, these are *interesting* cards.

HAMMOND: Not entirely. Dr. Felger's with her.

JACK: I'm inspired with confidence.

FUBAR FACTION: We hear ya.

EXT. P5S-117

[FELGER HAS ATTACHED HIS LAPTOP TO THE DHD'S CRYSTALS. SAM REJOINS HIM. HE SAYS HE'S IN, BUT SOMETHING'S WRONG.]

AUDIENCE: He really hasn't been paying attention, has he?

FELGER: This isn't Avenger. I mean, it's Avenger, but something's hinky. It's been altered.

BDSMERS: Kinky?

SAM: Hinky?

BDSMERS: Oh. Bored now. Where's the card game?

FELGER: The point is, this isn't the program I wrote. It's been tampered with since it was sent.

[SAM SUGGESTS IT WAS BA'AL, SINCE HE STOOD THE MOST TO GAIN.]

FELGER: Huh, well, that means none of this was my fault. I told you Avenger wasn't designed to cause a correlative update.

FUBAR FACTION: You still designed the original. You gave Ba'al what he needed to take down the gate system.

SAM: I wouldn't get too excited. It also means our anti-virus isn't going to work.

FELGER: That's right. It's designed for the original program.

SAM: Which means that we are now stranded on a Goa'uld occupied world.

FELGER: So it's kind of a good news-bad news situation.

SAM FANS: From Sam's perspective, it's bad-bad. Don't go having any tropical island castaways fantasies.

AUDIENCE: Why not? He'd make a passable Gilligan. Since Sam's smart, she could be Mary-Ann.

[SAM SAYS IF THE VIRUS WAS MODIFIED, THEY JUST NEED TO UPDATE THE ANTI-VIRUS TO MATCH IT.]

ANTI-VIRUS MANUFACTURERS: Updates don't extend to P5S-117. Check your warranty page for more information.

[FELGER EXPECTS SAM TO DO THE WORK, BUT SHE SAYS SHE CAN'T, BECAUSE SHE HAS TO STAND GUARD.]

FELGER: Do you know how many variations I went through before I got the anti-virus right? And that was when I knew what I was up against. This could take days.

SAM: Well, then you'd better get started.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

[DANIEL'S REPORTING IN AGAIN. THERE IS MUCH DAMPNESS.]

DANIEL FANS: Couldn't he at least ditch the rain slicker, so we could get some wet t-shirt action? *Anything* to make this awful episode have any redeeming value.

[DANIEL SAYS THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO ABANDON THE STARGATE AND MOVE TO HIGHER GROUND.]

DANIEL FANS: We have warm, fluffy towels on stand by.

EXT. P5S-117

SAM: How's it coming?

FELGER: We're getting there. It's pretty cool, isn't it? You and I working together? We're sort of like the intellectual Butch and Sundance of the SGC.

FUBAR FACTION: More like Lucy and Ethel at this point.

SAM: Butch and Sundance got cornered and killed by the Bolivian army.

FELGER: Yeah, that's a good point, yeah.

[SAM SEES JAFFA COMING THEIR WAY.]

SAM: We got trouble.

FELGER: What kind of trouble? What?

SAM: Think Bolivia.

[THE JAFFA ARE ADVANCING, BUT SAM TELLS HIM TO KEEP WORKING. SHE STARTS FIRING, AND THE JAFFA FIRE BACK.]

FELGER: Concentrate, Jay, concentrate. Just background noise.

AUDIENCE: We think he's concentrating more on not losing control of his bowels.

[FELGER KEEPS WORKING, WHILE SAM KEEPS FIRING, BUT IT'S NOT LOOKING GOOD. AN ALKESH IS HOVERING OVER THEM.]

AUDIENCE: Now *that* could be a brown shorts moment.

[THE SHIP FIRES AT THE JAFFA, AND THEY RETREAT. JACK AND TEAL'C RING DOWN.]

AUDIENCE: OK, now it's a deus ex machina moment.

[FELGER IS SHOUTING JACK'S NAME AND HUGGING HIM.]

SLASHERS: We need some bleach now. Must... clean out... image... from brain.

JACK: Felger. Felger. Felger! What did I say about touching?

SLASHERS: Only Daniel gets to?

SAM: How'd you manage this one, sir?

JACK: We got tired of waiting.

AUDIENCE: So did we. Most of us are now playing cards, waiting for Stargate SG-1 to return to our screen. We think we're in for one *hell* of a wait.

INT. GATE ROOM

[SAM AND FELGER RETURN THROUGH THE GATE.]

HAMMOND: I trust the solution you came up with is of a permanent nature?

FELGER: Oh, yes, yes, not to worry, General. I've modified the anti-virus, you know, specifically to target and neutralize the altered version of Avenger. But I've also added a little patch, you know, just to ensure that no one will ever...

SAM (cutting him off): The problem is solved, sir... permanently.

SAM FANS: Now, now Sam. You know how much you hate it when people cut off your technobabble spews.

AUDIENCE: We've got no problem with it this time.

SAM FANS: We don't either really, it was just a gut reaction.

[HAMMOND TELLS THEM THAT DANIEL MANAGED TO GET THE REMAINING INHABITANTS OF 997 THROUGH TO THE ALPHA SITE, AND ASKS SAM ABOUT JACK AND TEAL'C.]

SAM: They found an alternate means of transport. I promised the Colonel I wouldn't say anything... wants it to be a surprise.

INT. FELGER'S LAB

[JAY AND CHLOE ARE KISSING AND BEING UNBEARABLE SMOOSHY.]

NOROMOS: We've got insulin at the ready. And a few buckets, in case it gets really bad and anyone feels like they're going to toss their cookies.

[FELGER SWEEPS STUFF OFF A TABLE, PICKS CHLOE UP AND SITS HER ON THE TABLE AND STARTS KISSING HER AGAIN. SAM AND JACK WALK IN.]

SAM: What is this?

AUDIENCE: Sam's led a very sheltered life, hasn't she?

FELGER: Oh... Hi, guys. I know, we're not really supposed to be... fraternizing, but, hey...

NOROMOS: But hey, what the Air Force doesn't know doesn't hurt ship, right guys?

SAM: I turn my back for two seconds and you take up with this... trollop?

CHLOE: Don't blame me just because you were never woman enough to satisfy him.

[SOUND OF A NEEDLE SCRATCHING OVER A RECORD.]

AUDIENCE: What. The. Hell?

[SAM WHIPS OFF HER SHIRT, REVEALING A LOW-CUT TIGHT BLACK T-SHIRT. SAM AND CHLOE BEGIN CAT FIGHTING IN FRONT OF JACK AND FELGER.]

FELGER: Whoa... ladies, please, no this isn't really necessary.

JACK: Shhhh! Don't talk.

[JACK AND FELGER WATCH THE FREE SHOW, THEN WE HEAR CHLOE CALLING FELGER'S NAME, AND WE REALIZE HE'S BEEN IN LA LA LAND.]

CHLOE: What were you thinking about?

FELGER (with a sexist pig chuckle): Nothing.

AUDIENCE: OK, can we just write this whole episode off as Felger's dreamtime that the audience got sucked into?

SLASHERS: [whisper]

AUDIENCE: Oh. Right. But we're keeping the deck of cards.

RED GREEN FANS: And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge... keep your stick on the ice.

FADE OUT

NEXT WEEK, BIRTHRIGHT, IN WHICH WE MEET SOME AMAZONIAN JAFFA, AND TEAL'C GETS SOME. WELL, ONE ANYWAY.