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Season Seven Breadbox Edition
7.14 Fallout

Warning

A little warning…This parody is rated PG, for some mildly naughty language and some references to slash (in this case meaning a certain romantic perspective on Jack and Daniel's 'relationship'). Don't read it if you're offended by such things. Also, this story may contain negative comments about Jonas and his planet, and likewise may not be entirely positive toward the Jack/Sam relationship. So Jonas fans and Jack/Sam 'shippers might also want to steer clear. Though if you do, you'll be missing some great laughs!

NEW! Enjoy Nialla's playful yet accurate definitions of the terms she uses in her Breadbox Editions: Breadbox Editions: The Definitions.

You may provide feedback on the stories to Nialla.

7.14 Fallout: The Breadbox Edition

Previously, on Stargate SG-1…

Daniel died trying to save a planet of idiots. Daniel's alive again, and the planet is still full of idiots.

And now, on Stargate SG-1…

FADE IN

INT. GATEROOM

TECHNICIAN: We're getting a signal sir, it's the Kelownans.

HAMMOND: Open the iris.

AUDIENCE: Close the iris! Close the iris!

[JONAS COMES THROUGH THE GATE]

AUDIENCE: Damn, too late! And WTF is up with Jonas' hair? Is it in style on Kelowna to wear a dead ferret on your head?

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[JONAS EXPLAINS THE SITUATION ON KELOWNA]

JONAS: Naquadria isn't native to Kelowna.

JACK: I don't blame it, I wouldn't want to be a native of Kelowna either. You're a bunch of fricking idiots.

JONAS: Babble, babble, naquadria gonna go boom.

DANIEL: And for some reason I'm OK with that.

AUDIENCE: So are we. We're all for blowing shit up in this case.

WRITERS: Woo hoo! Oh, wait, we're not blowing up Kelowna.

AUDIENCE: Bummer.

[OPENING CREDITS]

INT. JONAS' LAB ON KELOWNA

[JONAS AND SAM DISCUSS THE SITUATION ABOUT THE PLANET GOING BOOM, AUDIENCE DOESN'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS.]

AUDIENCE: Jonas has a Dell laptop? I bet the service calls are a real bitch.

[KIANNA, JONAS' PROTO-GIRLFRIEND, ENTERS THE ROOM.]

AUDIENCE: Oh. That explains the haircut then. They're going for a "couple" look. [gag]

SAM: We need to learn all we can about the naquadria in order to stop it.

JONAS: But the information is on crystals, incomplete.

SAM: You really haven't watched the show, have you? I can do *anything*!

INT. GATEROOM

[THREE KELOWNAN AMBASSADORS ARRIVE VIA THE GATE.]

AUDIENCE: Wow. Big round thing. Swirly. Shiny. What's it called again?

[HAMMOND AND DANIEL MEET THEM AT THE END OF THE RAMP.]

AUDIENCE: OK, Daniel's *smiling* at these people, who he died to save and they *never* so much as thanked him or apologized? What's up with that?

DANIEL: I have blackmail material on them from my Ascended time. That Tiranian Council member has been *very* naughty.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[AMBASSADORS DISCUSS THE PLANET GOING BOOM, WHILE AUDIENCE CONTINUES TO NOT GIVE A RAT'S ASS.]

DANIEL: You might want to discuss a contingency plan.

AUDIENCE: Like maybe putting your head between your knees and kissing your asses goodbye? Hey, hey, hey, your *own* asses!

TIRANIAN COUNCIL MEMBER: Sorry, my bad.

[THE IDEA OF RELOCATING THE POPULATION OF LANGARIA, THE NEW NAME FOR THE "UNITED" KELOWNAN, TIRANIAN, AND ANDARI NATIONS, IS BROUGHT UP.]

ANDARIAN AMBASSADOR: Kelowna's going to blow up…

AUDIENCE: Yay!

ANDARIAN AMBASSADOR: …And then we'll offer humanitarian aid to the survivors, even though we don't give a jackshit about them now.

DANIEL: If Kelowna blows…

AUDIENCE: And we all know it does!

DANIEL: …Then the dust kicked up into the air will render the entire planet uninhabitable.

TIRANIAN AND ANDARI AMBASSADORS: Oh. Shit.

INT. JONAS' LAB ON KELOWNA

[JONAS, KIANNA AND SAM HAVE A TECHNOBABBLE FEST. TRANSLATION: PLANET GONNA GO BOOM, AND SOONER THAN THEY THOUGHT, AND AUDIENCE STILL DOESN'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS.]

[EARTHQUAKE RATTLES THE ROOM.]

SAM: What was that?

AUDIENCE: Well, *finally*! Something the Girl Genius doesn't know! It's about bloody time.

INT. GATE CONTROL ROOM

[SAM IS TALKING TO HAMMOND ABOUT THE SITUATION VIA MALP TRANSMISSION.]

SAM: This shit is really going to blow up, sir.

HAMMOND: And if it does, the squees of delight from the audience might cause severe earthquakes here on Earth.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

ANDARIAN AMBASSADOR: We want our own planet.

AUDIENCE: We can see why, no one else could stand you. Idiots.

INT. LAB IN THE SGC

[JONAS AND SAM TELL THE KELOWNAN AMBASSADOR THEIR LATEST FINDINGS.]

JONAS: The bomb tests set this off. We did it to ourselves.

SGC: We're not going to say "We told you so!"

AUDIENCE: But *we* will. Losers.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[THE AMBASSADORS TRY TO PASS THE BLAME AROUND LIKE A HOT POTATO.]

JACK: Who cares whose fault it is! Your planet is going to blow up!

AUDIENCE: Yay! It's about time! Memo to the writers, *now* it's OK to blow shit up.

WRITERS: Not listening.

DANIEL: Jack…

JACK: The whole damn planet, Daniel. And I won't be able to watch while munching on popcorn!

[JACK, DANIEL AND TEAL'C LEAVE THE ROOM, AND CONTINUE TALKING ON THE WAY TO THE ELEVATOR.]

DANIEL: This is diplomacy, Jack, this is how it works.

JACK: Let 'em blow up.

TEAL'C: Indeed. To quote from the movie "Aliens," we should nuke the site from orbit, just to be sure.

AUDIENCE: Doesn't it strike anyone as slightly odd that Daniel's still trying to help a planet of idiots who tried to blame him while he lay dying in agony after saving their asses, and they never apologized, while Jack and Teal'c seem ready to throw them under the proverbial truck?

WRITERS: We have no idea what you're talking about.

AUDIENCE: Obviously.

INT. JONAS' LAB ON KELOWNA, LANGARIA, WHATEVER THE HELL THEY'VE NAMED OF THE PLACE.

KIANNA: There's no way to reverse the process.

SAM: We don't need to, since now I've apparently gained abilities as a geologist.

AUDIENCE: [sigh] Super!Sam strikes again. And Jonas was an "ethicist" [snerk], and now he's a geologist too. How convenient.

WRITERS: Yes, isn't it?

SAM: Babble, babble, technobabble, Drill. Technobabble, bomb. Technobabble, fault line.

JONAS: Let's go to the Bat Cave!

SAM: You really got into the TV thing while you were with the SGC, eh?

JONAS: Yeah, I bought back a lot of fashions after watching the Austin Powers movies.

[CUT TO LOVING PANNING VIEW OF A REALLY BIG DRILL (TM), WHICH WILL BE USED ALONG WITH TOK'RA TUNNELLING CRYSTALS TO DIG A SHAFT TO PLANT A NUKE.]

AUDIENCE: Whoa. Phallic much? Any of the writers ever read Freud? Add in the imagery of the gate and well…[ahem]

SECRETARY AT BRIDGE STUDIOS: Um, sorry to interrupt, but the producers of "The Core" are on line one. They want their plot device back.

WRITERS: We're not here! Take a message! [whisper] Hide the DVD!

INT. DRILL CONTROL ROOM

AUDIENCE: Did they scavenge a *typewriter* to use here? We guess they couldn't import any more Dells to Kelowna, Langaria, Whatever.

SAM: Cool.

JONAS: Thank Kianna, she did all the work.

AUDIENCE: OK, so now we know she's Evil. Or at least evil.

[SAM THINKS THAT JONAS LIKES KIANNA.]

AUDIENCE: How junior high.

SAM: C'mon, Jonas. I'm not blind.

SLASHERS: And yet you have fantasies about Jack.

INT. KIANNA'S ROOMS

[KIANNA GIVES HERSELF AN INJECTION.]

AUDIENCE: Yep, evil.

INT. DRILL CONTROL ROOM

[SAM FIGURES OUT KIANNA'S USED GOA'ULD TECH ON THE DRILL'S SYSTEMS.]

AUDIENCE: See. We told ya, evil. No one listens to us.

WRITERS: No, we don't.

[KIANNA ENTERS THE ROOM.]

JONAS: We know.

AUDIENCE: That you're on a planet of idiots? We knew that already.

[SAM REVEALS THE INJECTIONS KIANNA'S BEEN TAKING MASKS THE PRESENCE OF THE SYMBIOTE, WHO CAME TO THE PLANET ON BA'AL'S BEHALF TO FIND OUT WHY ANUBIS IS INTERESTED IN THE PLANET.]

AUDIENCE: Because we know his interest isn't because of the nice people.

EXT. CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN

GUARD: It feels like I've been on duty for *years*.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

DANIEL: Sam doesn't feel confident in her abilities to run the drill without the Goa'uld's help.

[AUDIENCE PASSES OUT IN A DEAD FAINT.]

INT. DRILL CONTROL ROOM

KIANNA: Who aligned this?

SAM (cocky): Me.

KIANNA: And you're part of the brain trust that killed Ra and Poffy? Good grief, they must have had Really Bad Days.

SAM: Bitch.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

HAMMOND: We've intercepted a transmission from Ba'al. Kianna is overdue to report.

AMBASSADORS: And if she doesn't, Ba'al might return?

HAMMOND: He might return anyway, to watch the free fireworks show when your planet explodes. I know a lot of the SGC personnel are really looking forward to it, not to mention the audience.

INT. DRILL CONTROL ROOM

KIANNA: You still don't trust me?

JONAS: Like, duh. Even I'm not *that* stupid.

HALLWAY IN THE SGC

JACK: How's the diplomacy going?

DANIEL: It's not.

[JACK PLACES HIS HANDS ON DANIEL'S SHOULDERS.]

SLASHERS: Squee!!!

SCIENTIST CHECKING OUT A SEISMIC MONITOR: What *is* it with all the earthquakes on Friday night?

JACK: I think I can help you.

SLASHERS: There's a storage room around the corner in which you can "help" Daniel with some stress relief.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[AMBASSADORS ARE *STILL* ARGUING, THE AUDIENCE *STILL* DOESN'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS.]

JACK: You folks are done. We like the Madronans, so we're not going to subject them to the likes of you. You're toast.

[AMBASSADORS APPEAR GOBSMACKED, AUDIENCE DOES A SNOOPY DANCE.]

JACK: That's what you get for dickin' around.

AUDIENCE: [snicker]

SLASHERS: So…where *was* Jack's hand when he was discussing dicks and Daniel twitched?

INT. DRILL CONTROL ROOM

[THE DRILL IS BROKEN. THE ONLY WAY TO COMPLETE THE MISSION IS TO USE THE LEFTOVER TOK'RA TUNNELLING CRYSTALS TO ALLOW ONE PERSON TO CARRY THE NUKE INTO PLACE.]

KIANNA: I'll go.

AUDIENCE: We kinda figured.

[THE DRILL'S POWER IS FAILING, THERE'S AN IMPORTANT SOUNDING BEEP.]

SAM: That's not good.

Audience: No shit Sam, flashing red lights and alarms usually aren't. Geeze, she's been around the Kelownans too long.

[KIANNA PLACES THE BOMB, AND TELLS THE OTHERS TO LEAVE WITHOUT HER.]

JONAS: No, we're not leaving you to die!

AUDIENCE: Um, can you trade places with Jonas? 'Cause we'd be cool with that.

SAM: No one gets left behind.

DANIEL FANS: Don't *even* get us started on that one.

[KIANNA MAKES IT BACK TO THE DRILL, THEY HEAD BACK TO THE SURFACE.]

[INT. GATE CONTROL ROOM]

[AN AUDIO SIGNAL FROM KELOWNA HAS COME IN, IT APPEARS THE MISSION IS A SUCCESS, LANGARIA IS SAVED.]

AUDIENCE: Dammit. The one time we wanted shit to blow up.

WRITERS: See! We're withholding blowing shit up and now you're craving it! Our plan is working.

AUDIENCE: No, it's not.

INT. GATEROOM

[JONAS IS STARING AT THE GATE.]

DANIEL: Miss it?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

JONAS: Yeah.

DANIEL: Too bad, I ain't dying again so you can get a job.

[THE DE-GOA'ULDED KIANNA ENTERS THE ROOM, SHE AND JONAS GATE BACK TO LANGERIA]

AUDIENCE: So what happened to Ba'al? He was waiting on a report from Kianna, which he's not going to get. Is he going to show up looking for her and blow the planet up anyway? Cool.

WRITERS: We so hate you. We told you that, right?

FADE OUT

NEXT WEEK, CHIMERA, AND YET ANOTHER TRIP INTO SAM'S LOVE LIFE.

NON-SHIPPERS: Oh, puh-leeze.

DANIEL FANS: Daniel. In bed. Muscle shirt.

AUDIENCE: We're there!

SLASHERS: But Jack was there first!


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