7.15 Chimera: The Breadbox Edition

Previously on Stargate SG-1…

One of Daniel's ex-girlfriends is now a Goa'uld. Sam has had several potential boyfriends expire. The SGC is considering using her as a secret weapon against their enemies -- it gives "sex as a weapon" a whole new twist. Daniel would probably be immune, since he's already died a few times.

And now, on Stargate SG-1…

FADE IN

INT. WORKROOM/STUDY

[DANIEL IS WORKING ON DECIPHERING AN ARTIFACT. SARAH ENTERS, TELLING HIM ABOUT THE ARTIFACT. IMAGE FADES OUT, PANNING ACROSS DANIEL IN BED.]

DANIEL FANS: Dayum! The pause button's getting a workout with this ep!

[CONTINUE PANNING, REVEAL SARAH-OSIRIS WATCHING DANIEL AS HE SLEEPS.]

DANIEL FANS: Get away from him, you bitch!

SLASHERS: Yeah, Jack's going to be beyond pissed when he finds out.

[OPENING CREDITS]

INT. COFFEE SHOP IN COLORADO SPRINGS

[SAM IS SITTING AT A TABLE BY HERSELF, WHEN AN UNKNOWN MAN APPROACHES AND JOINS HER.]

SAM: I feel compelled to warn you, most of the guys I've dated are dead.

AUDIENCE: All of them painful deaths.

PETE: Don't worry, I'm safe. I've got connections. Thanks bro!

PDL: Don't count on safety.

REST OF THE WRITERS: No, don't count on it at all.

[IT'S REVEALED SAM AND PETE ARE REENACTING A "FIRST MEET" SCENARIO.]

GENERAL SHIPPERS: Aw, how sweet.

NOROMOS: Ah, how sweet. We're going into diabetic comas now.

PETE: Let's go to the zoo!

SAM: There's no zoo in Colorado Springs.

AUDIENCE: Yes, there is. Sheesh, who does the research for this show?

INT. SGC HALLWAY

[SAM AND DANIEL ARE WALKING DOWN A HALLWAY.]

SAM: Babble, jamming. Babble, Gou'uld. Babble, portable.

DANIEL: [yawn]

JACK: *Now* do you see why I'm such a sarcastic jerk? It's the only way to stay awake when Sam's babbling.

AUDIENCE: [snooze] Wha? Oh, right, we're watching the show.

SAM: At least pretend that it's interesting.

DANIEL: It's interesting, go on.

SLASHERS: It's just that Jack kept him awake all night.

SAM: Are you tired?

AUDIENCE: Mistress of the Bloody Obvious, eh Sam?

DANIEL: I've been having weird dreams about Sarah, about working in Chicago, and at the SGC. It was all messed up, because my hair was wrong.

AUDIENCE: They actually spackled over that continuity problem without using a bad wig. We have mixed feelings about that.

WRITERS: We have our moments.

AUDIENCE: Damn few of them, if you ask us.

WRITERS: We didn't.

SAM: You should talk to someone.

DANIEL: I was, but apparently your brain was left on Kelowna.

[ELEVATOR ARRIVES, JACK'S IN THE CAR.]

SAM: Colonel.

JACK: Carter.

DANIEL: Coffee.

AUDIENCE: A-llit-er-a-tion. Cool. Whee, we did it too!

[SAM ENTERS THE ELEVATOR, WHILE DANIEL GOES OFF IN SEARCH OF COFFEE.]

S/J SHIPPERS: They're together! It's love!

REST OF THE AUDIENCE: [rolls eyes]

[SAM STARTS HUMMING THE STARGATE THEME.]

AUDIENCE: You've *got* to be kidding us. At least she's not singing the "lyrics."

JACK: Humming?

AUDIENCE: If you can call it that.

[UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE ENSUES.]

JACK: What's his name?

S/J SHIPPERS: It's love, he's jealous!

AUDIENCE: Looks like he's feigning interest to us.

DANIEL FANS: Whatever. Can we get back to the scenes of Daniel in bed?

JACK: I'm just happy that you're happy about something other than…quarks.

AUDIENCE: We'd be happy if you'd get back to the original premise of the show, instead of this being "Stargate: Sam Gets Laid."

NOROMOS: Preach it!

INT. DANIEL'S HOUSE

[PANNING SHOT OF DANIEL IN BED.]

AUDIENCE: Why has he got his arms up under his head like that? Isn't it uncomfortable to sleep that way?

DANIEL FANS: Who frelling cares? Mercy.

AUDIENCE: Why is he on top of the bed instead of under the covers?

DANIEL FANS: And cover *that* up? What are you, insane?

[OSIRIS PUTS A DEVICE ON DANIEL TO DIRECT AND WATCH HIS DREAMS.]

SLASHERS: We'd pay good money for that little device. Cash.

[CUT TO DANIEL'S DREAMS, IN WHICH HE'S BACK IN THE WORKROOM/STUDY.]

[SARAH ARRIVES, DANIEL ACTS TOTALLY CLUELESS.]

SLASHERS: This is an "interested woman and totally clueless gay man in the closet" scenario, right?

SARAH: He's not gay!

SLASHERS: We didn't know fag hags could be in the closet too.

OSIRIS: I'm *not* a hag!

SLASHERS: Figure of speech.

[CUT BACK TO DANIEL'S ROOM. SARAH TRANSPORTS OUT, THEN DANIEL WAKES UP. DANIEL LOOKS AROUND WILDLY.]

SLASHERS: Come on, say it…call out for Jack, we know you want to. OK, so *we* want you to.

EXT. PARK IN COLORADO SPRINGS

[PETE AND SAM DISCUSS THE MERITS OF VARIOUS MOVIES, AND GENERALLY GET MUSHY.]

NEWLY FORMED S/P SHIPPERS: Awwwwwwwwwww.

NOROMOS: Ick.

S/J SHIPPERS: [fingers in ears] Not listening.

DANIEL FANS: No, seriously. More scenes with Daniel in bed.

SLASHERS: With Jack. Thank you kindly.

AUDIENCE: Memo to Mr. and Mrs. DeLuise -- y'all have cute sons. Nice work.

[SAM AND PETE KISS.]

S/J SHIPPERS: This is a dream. No, a nightmare.

[DANIEL'S DREAMTIME, INT. WORKROOM/STUDY.]

[SARAH HAS BROUGHT DANIEL COFFEE.]

SARAH: But first, a little human contact.

[SARAH AND DANIEL KISS.]

AUDIENCE: When did this change into Snoggate: SG-1?

SARAH: Was that so hard?

SLASHERS: Would be if it were Jack doing the kissing.

DANIEL: I'll live.

DANIEL FANS: That *voice*! Mercy! We're not worthy, we're not worthy!

[SARAH GIVES DANIEL A TABLET TO TRANSLATE.]

INT. COMMISSERY AT THE SGC

[DANIEL HAS HIS HEAD DOWN ON THE TABLE WHEN SAM AND TEAL'C JOIN HIM.]

[SAM RUBS DANIEL'S BACK.]

SAM/DANIEL SHIPPERS: We have lived for this moment. Don't anyone blink.

DANIEL: In the dream, the tablet's in Ancient and in the dream I know how to read Ancient.

SAM: Not surprising, since you can when you're awake.

[DANIEL GIVES SAM A LOOK]

SAM/DANIEL SHIPPERS: [ecstasy]

TEAL'C: Perhaps you're trying to reveal something to yourself.

SLASHERS: Nah, if that were the case, he'd be dreaming about Jack.

TEAL'C: If you have the dream again, perhaps you should translate the tablet.

AUDIENCE: Wow. I forgot Teal'c could actually say lines and stuff.

TEAL'C: Indeed. Grrrr, don't trick me into saying that word! The "talk" with my agent is finally having an effect.

[DANIEL'S DREAMTIME, INT. WORKROOM/STUDY.]

[SARAH'S PREPARED A MEAL FOR DANIEL.]

DANIEL: I don't deserve you, do I?

AUDIENCE: We think you've got that backwards.

SLASHERS: And how.

EXT. SAM'S HOUSE

[SAM ARRIVES HOME TO FIND A NOTE FROM PETE TELLING HER TO DRESS UP FOR DATE THAT NIGHT, ALONG WITH A SINGLE ROSE.]

SAM/PETE SHIPPERS: Oh, how romantic! *Jack* would never have done anything like that.

SLASHERS: No, because Daniel's allergic to flowers.

INT. SGC GYMNASIUM

[DANIEL AND TEAL'C ARE WORKING OUT, WHILE DISCUSSING DANIEL'S DREAMS.]

DANIEL FANS: Oh. My. God.

TEAL'C FANS: Indeed.

DANIEL/TEAL'C SLASHERS: [thud]

[TEAL'C REVEALS HE'S TAKEN AN INTEREST IN THE STUDY OF DREAMS SINCE HE NOW HAS TO SLEEP INSTEAD OF KELNOREEM.]

DANIEL: OK, Sigmund, what are my dreams about?

SLASHERS: They're definitely not rated for TV broadcast.

TEAL'C: Perhaps your mind is trying to work out your issues with not being able to save Sarah.

DANIEL: You think maybe something I learned when I was Ascended will help?

AUDIENCE: If so, fat chance we'll ever hear about it.

WRITERS: Ascended? What's that?

TEAL'C: Until you've worked it out, you may continue having this dream.

DANIEL: So I'll never have a good night's sleep again?

TEAL'C: After seeing the shit you've gone through, I don't see how you ever have.

DANIEL: Thank you, Teal'c. This conversation has been disturbing on many levels.

AUDIENCE: We didn't know Teal'c could say this many lines in one ep either.

EXT. SAM'S HOUSE

[PETE ARRIVES FOR THEIR DATE.]

AUDIENCE: No! Go back to the workout scene!

WRITERS: [evil laughter] No.

AUDIENCE: Why not?

WRITERS: Because we hate you, remember?

[SAM ANSWERS THE DOOR IN A SLINKY DRESS AND HEELS, PETE'S GOBSMACKED.]

SAM: Up enough?

PETE: Any more up, and I'd split a seam.

MALES WHO LUST AFTER SAM, WHICH APPARENTLY IS PRIMARILY COMPOSED OF THE BOYS AT BRIDGE: We hear you, buddy.

INT. DANCE HALL, WHICH IS HOSTING A 50TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY PARTY

[SAM AND PETE DANCE.]

SAM/PETE SHIPERS: They're so cute!

NOROMOS: Bored now.

HETSMUTTERS: We're taking notes.

[DANIEL'S DREAMTIME, INT. WORKROOM/STUDY.]

[DANIEL REMEMBERS HE FORGOT THEIR ANNIVERSARY, AND IN THE REAL WORLD, THIS IS WHY SARAH LEFT. DANIEL LOOKS INTENSE.]

DANIEL FANS: And we say again…day-um.

EXT. SAM'S HOUSE

[SAM AND PETE ARE IN HIS CAR, SHARING BANTER ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT HE'LL COME IN.]

PETE: OK, I'm coming.

AUDIENCE: Too easy. We're not *even* going to dignify that line.

HETSMUTTERS: But *we* will. Hey, Pete, it's better to wait until you're actually *with* the girl.

INT. SAMS HOUSE

[SAM/PETE SNOGFEST ENSUES.]

SAM/PETE SHIPPERS AND HETSMUTTERS: Woo and hoo!

SLASHERS: Sam likes someone who is not Jack. It's canon, DEAL!

NOROMOS: [snore] Wha? Did something happen?

[PILLOW TALK ENSUES.]

SAM: Why did you become a cop?

PETE: I watched Starsky and Hutch as a kid.

SLASHERS: Must…fight…trip to…Bad Place. Oh, wait, we're already there.

[PETE SPILLS HIS GUTS ABOUT WHY HE'S A COP, BUT SAM CAN'T TELL HIM WHAT SHE REALLY DOES.]

SAM: I could get into trouble!

AUDIENCE: Like you couldn't for lusting after your boss for years?

SAM: It could put you in danger.

PETE: So you're saying that joke about all your boyfriends dying was true?

PDL: No joke, bro. Her nickname is "Black Widow Sam."

PETE: Why won't you trust me enough to share your life with me?

FEMALES IN THE AUDIENCE: Whoa, this is a switch. Usually, guys run for the hills when you mention the words "trust" and "sharing."

MEN IN THE AUDIENCE: We're not stupid.

FEMALES IN THE AUDIENCE: Jury's still out on that point.

[PETE LEAVES.]

EXT. SAM'S HOUSE

[PETE GETS INTO HIS CAR AND CALLS A FRIEND OF HIS AT THE FBI TO CHECK OUT SAM.]

AUDIENCE: You *really* don't want to do that, trust us.

INT. LAB AT THE SGC.

DANIEL: Nothing in the dreams are right.

SLASHERS: Yeah, no Jack. [sigh]

DANIEL: Sarah's different in my dreams, it's like she cares about my work as much as I do.

SAM: Sounds like a typical male fantasy to me.

AUDIENCE: Sam, you need to have a talk with the writers about "typical male fantasies" before you can cast any stones.

[TEAL'C TAKES A RUNNING JUMP OFF THE LOGIC CLIFF AND THINKS OSIRIS MAY BE CONTROLLING DANIEL'S DREAMS TO GET INFORMATION ABOUT THE LOST CITY.]

AUDIENCE: Dang, we almost got whiplash from that leap of logic.

TEAL'C: Hey, but it's cool. I got lines!

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

HAMMOND: You think Osiris is here on Earth manipulating Daniel's dreams?

SAM: It's possible, Sir.

JACK: Kinky!

SLASHERS: Unfortunately, Osiris isn't that creative.

[TECHNOBABBLE ENSUES. TRANSLATION: OSIRIS STOLE ASGUARD BEAMING TECHNOLOGY (WHICH WAS REALLY STOLEN FROM TREK ANYWAY) AND IS USING A GOU'ULD DEVICE TO INFLUENCE DANIEL'S DREAMS.]

JACK: So, what do we do?

SAM: We hope the jamming device will stop Osiris from leaving next time she visits Daniel. We'll be watching to see what happens.

JACK: So we're going to get *paid* to watch Daniel while he sleeps? Dibs!

EXT. SAM'S HOUSE

[PETE GETS A CALL FROM HIS FBI BUDDY.]

FBI BUDDY: She's probably connected with some top-level stuff.

PETE: Like?

FBI BUDDY: Black ops. She probably knows how to kill you six times before you hit the ground.

PETE: It's not like I'm dating her or anything.

FBI BUDDY AND AUDIENCE: Riiiiiiight.

[SAM'S LEAVING THE HOUSE, PETE DECIDES TO FOLLOW HER.]

AUDIENCE: Bad move. Very.

INT. SGC

[SAM TRIES TO CALL PETE, BUT ONLY GETS HIS ANSWERING MACHINE.]

JACK: So, what have we got?

AUDIENCE: A lot of S/J shippers about to have heart palpitations.

[SAM EXPLAINS HOW THEY INTEND TO TRAP OSIRIS AND HIT HER WITH A TRANQ DART.]

JACK: How's Pete?

UBER S/J SHIPPERS (hopeful): Dead?

EXT. DANIEL'S HOUSE

[JACK, SAM AND TEAL'C ARE WATCHING DANIEL FROM A SURVELLENCE VAN.]

DANIEL FANS: You know, you could make a killing selling the video, retire early, and live like royalty.

JACK: Hey Daniel, you sleeping yet?

DANIEL: Yes Jack, I'm fast asleep.

SLASHERS: Don't worry, Jack. Daniel doesn't talk in his sleep, remember?

[PETE SURVEILS THE SURVEILLANCE VAN.]

[TEAL'C PRESENTS HIS DONUTS.]

JACK: No, I'll pass.

[TEAL'C LOOKS HURT.]

TEAL'C FANS: You bastard!

[JACK SEES OSIRIS BEAM INTO DANIEL'S ROOM.]

JACK: I'll kill her…er, him, er, it, whatever, if it tries anything.

[SAM ACTIVATES THE JAMMING SYSTEM WHICH WILL TRAP OSIRIS, WHILE JACK AND TEAL'C LEAVE THE VAN, AND PETE WATCHES FROM HIS VEHICLE.]

[NIGHT TURNS INTO DAY.]

JACK: Carter?

SAM: She's still there, Sir.

JACK: How much longer do we wait? I really gotta pee.

[IMAGE OF DANIEL SPRAWLED ON THE BED]

DANIEL FANS: [thud]

[CUT TO DANIEL'S DREAMTIME, INT. WORKROOM/STUDY.]

SARAH: Progress?

DANIEL: I don't know. I never knew.

[CUT BACK TO DANIEL WAKING UP IN BED, WITH OSIRIS STANDING NEAR HIM.]

OSIRIS: How unfortunate for you.

[OSIRIS USES A RIBBON DEVICE ON DANIEL.]

HURT/COMFORT FANS: We're *so* getting some missing scene fics from this ep.

[JACK RUSHES IN TO DANIEL'S ROOM.]

SLASHERS: As he has *so* many times before.

[OSIRIS USES THE RIBBON DEVICE AGAINST JACK, KNOCKING HIM OUT COLD. OSIRIS TRIES TO BEAM OUT, AND DISCOVERS IT DOESN'T WORK.]

AUDIENCE: Tricksy Asgard technology.

OSIRIS: Hates it we do.

[TEAL'C COMES IN, ALMOST GETS SHOT, SAM LEAVES THE VAN TO HELP.]

PETE: Sam.

SAM: Pete! What are you…[interrupted by a weapon fired at the van] Get down!

[OSIRIS CONTINUES FIRING, SAM PULLS OUT A ZAT.]

AUDIENCE: A zat? Sam already knows Osiris is probably using a personal shield and a zat won't work. Why?

WRITERS: Um…she didn't want to wake the neighbors?

[MEANWHILE, BACK IN DANIEL'S ROOM.]

TEAL'C: Are you alright, DanielJackson?

DANIEL: Yeah, yeah, go get her.

SLASHERS: Leaving Jack and Daniel in the bedroom. Alone.

HURT/COMFORT FANS: We can work with this.

SLASHERS: So can we.

[BACK OUTSIDE, PETE FIRES AT OSIRIS, AND SEES HER EYES GLOW.]

PETE: That is not normal.

AUDIENCE: Ding, ding! Give that man a Kewpie doll! He got it in one.

[OSIRIS FIRES AT THE VAN'S FUEL TANK, THUS BLOWING SHIT UP.]

WRITERS: Whee!

AUDIENCE: Bet *that* woke up the neighbors.

WRITERS: Was it good for you?

[JACK SHOOTS OSIRIS WITH A TRANQ GUN, SHE PASSES OUT. PETE'S INJURED, SAM TELLS JACK HE NEEDS AN AMBULANCE.]

PETE: What just happened?

SAM: I promise, if you make it through this, I'll tell you everything.

AUDIENCE: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up the truck here. Sam couldn't tell her father who was dying of cancer, but *did* have security clearance, yet she's promising to tell Pete?

INT. SGC INFIRMARY

[SARAH WAKES UP, WITH DANIEL AT HER BEDSIDE.]

DANIEL: It's all over. You're free. I managed to save one. Go me!

INT. PRIVATE ROOM IN THE INFIRMARY

[SAM VISITS PETE, AND GIVES HIM A PICTURE OF THEM AT THE DANCE AS A GET WELL GIFT.]

S/J SHIPPERS: Are you *sure* it's not a "get lost" gift?

[SAM BEGINS TELLING HIM THE STORY OF THE STARGATE PROGRAM.]

SAM: Once upon a time, there was this pretty ring-thing. It allowed us to go to other planets. Don't have much use for it anymore, since so much of our time is being devoted to snogging and blowing shit up.

SAM/PETE SHIPPERS: Pete's cute! I hope they at least mention him again, maybe bring him back next season.

S/J SHIPPERS: Pete who? We don't know any Pete.

FADE OUT

NEXT WEEK, DEATH KNELL, IN WHICH THE ALPHA SITE IS ATTACKED BY THE GOA'ULD, AND MAJOR CARTER GOES MISSING.

AUDIENCE: Missing? Again? She's gone missing at *least* as many times as Daniel's died. The woman needs a LoJack system installed.