7.20 Inauguration: The Breadbox Edition

Previously on Stargate SG-1…This episode *is* "previously on Stargate SG-1." Translation—clip show. The only new stuff is all in boring meetings.

AUDIENCE: Run for the hills! Or at least set the VCR so we can fast forward through the clips.

And now, on Stargate SG-1...

FADE IN

INT. THE WHITE HOUSE

AUDIENCE: So it's a West Wing homage this time out?

WRITERS: Who told?!

[IT'S PRESIDENT HAYES' FIRST DAY ON THE JOB. AN ADVISOR IS GIVING HIM A BRIEFING AS THEY WALK THROUGH THE HALLWAY.]

SGC CORRIDOR: The White House hallway? You're two-timing me with that floozy?

WHITE HOUSE CORRIDOR: No substitute for power, toots.

SGC CORRIDOR: I've got your power right here, ho.

AUDIENCE: Ladies, ladies…let's get back to the plot here, OK? Oh, wait, we don't really have one. OK, let's just sit back and grit our teeth until it's over.

[THE CHAIRMAN OF THE JOINT CHIEFS IS WAITING IN THE OVAL OFFICE.]

HAYES: He knows it's my first day right?

AUDIENCE: He just might have figured it out.

CHAIRMAN: Mr. President. We need to talk sir. It's important.

HAYES: Guys. Let me enjoy the moment.

[HAYES TAKES OFF HIS SHOES AND WIGGLES HIS SOCK FEET IN THE CARPET.]

CHAIRMAN: Moment's over, sir.

AUDIENCE: Is Odor Eaters one of the advertisers now?

AUDIENCE MEMBERS SICK OF SHIP AND SAMGATE: If so, maybe they can use them to cover the stench of the rotting corpse known as ship.

NOROMOS: There's not enough Odor Eaters on the planet for that.

CHAIRMAN: Mr. President, for the past seven years, the United States Air Force has been sending teams to other planets by means of an alien device known as a Stargate.

HAYES: That's very funny. My first day. This is a joke right?

CHAIRMAN: This is not a joke.

HAYES: The United States Air Force has been sending people to other planets?

CHAIRMAN: Yes sir.

HAYES: For the last seven years?

CHAIRMAN: That's correct.

HAYES: By means of an alien device?

CHAIRMAN: Known as the Stargate.

AUDIENCE: This Prez catches on too quickly. Are we *sure* he's really a politician?

OPENING CREDITS

INT. VICE PRESIDENT KINSEY'S OFFICE

AUDIENCE: Now *he* is a politician!

[HAYES COMES IN.]

HAYES: What the hell were you thinking?

AUDIENCE: What the hell were *you* thinking, having *that* as your running mate?

HAYES: Not only do I find out that the Air Force is engaged in interstellar travel, but I also find out that my running mate knows all about it!

KINSEY: I was under a special executive gag order.

AUDIENCE: Can we issue a gag order too?

BDSMers: We've got some spares.

KINSEY: The military specifically, the personnel directly involved in the SGC, need to be replaced immediately. Now, I have several recommendations regarding...

HAYES: Whoa! Bob, hold on here!

KINSEY: Mr. President. Why do you think I was ordered to keep quiet?

AUDIENCE: We're going out on a limb here, but is it because you're an idiot *and* an asshole?

INT. OVAL OFFICE

[HAYES IS READING FILES ON THE SGC.]

HAYES: Hosted alien dignitaries. Acquired alien technology. Traveled back in time? Did they really blow up a sun?

CHAIRMAN: As I understand it sir, yes they did.

HAYES: It's got to look awfully good on the old resume, hey?

AUDIENCE: They also managed to take a strong female officer and turn her into The Girl with a crush on her boss, which is against the regs. That doesn't look good on the old resume.

[THE CHAIRMAN AND THE PRESIDENT DISCUSS KINSEY'S AGENDA REGARDING THE STARGATE.]

CHAIRMAN: He clearly doesn't want to shut the gate down anymore. He wants to control it.

AUDIENCE: Whoop, whoop, flashback alert!

[FLASHBACK TO DISCLOSURE. KINSEY IS TALKING ABOUT TURNING OVER CONTROL OF THE SGC TO THE NID.]

AUDIENCE: FCOL, the NID running the SGC would be a PITA.

SLASHERS: Wouldn't that be a SNAFU?

SMUTTERS: More like a FUBAR.

WRITERS: STFU.

CHAIRMAN: He would have the NID and the Stargate in his back pocket. It was only because of some extraordinary intervention that it didn't work.

[FLASHBACK TO THOR BEAMING IN AND SAYING HE WANTED HAMMOND IN CHARGE AT THE SGC.]

AUDIENCE: So do we, dammit! General Jackass Cosmic Giddiness is not going to work.

CHAIRMAN: We've never had any proof connecting Senator Kinsey to anything nefarious.

HAYES: I'm starting to get a bad feeling about where some of that campaign financing came from. Did I say that out loud?

AUDIENCE: Yes, you did. We're starting to (heart) you.

INT. KINSEY'S OFFICE

[WOOLSEY IS MEETING WITH KINSEY.]

KINSEY: Ah, Mr. Woolsey. I hope my confidence in you has not been misplaced.

WOOLSEY: Once I've finished presenting the evidence, the President will have no choice but to follow your recommendation, and clean house at Stargate Command.

AUDIENCE: This is *so* Mr. Burns and Smithers. Does Woolsey collect Malibu Stacey dolls? Or is he more a G.I. Joe kind of guy?

INT. OVAL OFFICE

[HAYES, THE CHAIRMAN, KINSEY AND WOOLSEY ARE MEETING.]

KINSEY: General, I don't believe you know Richard Woolsey. For the past several months he has been working with the NID conducting a thorough investigation of all Stargate personnel. I've asked him here to kindly present us with his findings.

AUDIENCE: No offense to real-life folks in the NID, but on this show, if they're NID, we generally don't like them.

CHAIRMAN: If this is a discussion about the competence of those running the SGC, then shouldn't George Hammond be included?

WOOLSEY: Unfortunately, sir, General Hammond is part of the problem.

CHAIRMAN: George Hammond is a highly decorated officer. A thirty-year veteran with the United States Air Force, and while that may not carry a lot of weight over at the NID, it still means something to certain people in this town.

WOOLSEY: This isn't a trial, General. Although it certainly wouldn't surprise me if it came to that.

NOROMOS: It wouldn't surprise us either, if the writers had the balls to write Jack and/or Sam's court-martial.

WOOLSEY: The most recent incident was less than a month ago. General Hammond ordered an off-world rescue operation, despite ample indication that he was sending his people into an ambush. As a result, a very valuable member of Stargate Command was killed, Doctor Janet Fraiser.

AUDIENCE: Ohmigod, they actually mentioned her name!

JANET FANS: [sniff]

[THEY DISCUSS THAT SENDING PEOPLE INTO DANGEROUS SITUATIONS IS PART OF THE MILIATARY COMMAND.]

AUDIENCE: Yeah, but sending your CMO instead of a field medic was monumentally stupid anyway. And we're not blaming Hammond for that one.

WRITERS: What? Did someone say something?

HAYES: Come on, cut the crap will you?

AUDIENCE: OK, you've definitely got our vote.

WOOLSEY: Let's start with insubordination. Approximately five and a half years ago the gate was shut down. The SGC was under orders to suspend all offworld travel pending a full review. SG-1 chose to ignore those orders.

CHAIRMAN: And in the process they managed to head off an invasion.

WOOLSEY: Nonetheless they were guilty. And it was by no means an isolated incident.

[FLASHBACK TO UPGRADES, AS JACK, DANIEL AND SAM GO THROUGH THE GATE AND LEAVE TEAL'C BEHIND.]

NOROMOS: No, no! Not that, anything but that!

AUDIENCE: The Incident was actually in Divide and Conquer, not Upgrades.

NOROMOS: Don't care. Don't want to remember. [sticking fingers in ears and humming] La la la. Happy place, happy place, happy place.

SLASHERS: We *live* in the Happy Place.

CHAIRMAN: They sabotaged a mothership the Goa'uld would have eventually used to attack Earth.

WOOLSEY: They used the Stargate against the direct order of a superior officer.

CHAIRMAN: You can't hold them accountable for that. Read the damn mission report. They were under the influence of an alien device.

WOOLSEY: Which brings us to the alarming frequency with which members of SG-1 have fallen under alien influence. Major Samantha Carter. Implanted with a Goa'uld symbiote, then two years ago her body became host to an alien virus.

[FLASHBACK TO ENTITY, WHEN JACK SHOOTS THE POSSESSED SAM.]

S/J SHIPPERS: Oh, so very tragic!

NOROMOS: Shoot her again! It would be angsty! It would be tragic! It would be *over*!

AUDIENCE: We think Jolinar would be offended to be referred to as a Goa'uld.

WOOLSEY: Daniel Jackson. Fell under the influence of alien technology on numerous occasions.

DANIEL FANS: Numerous occasions? What can we say? The aliens have good taste.

WOOLSEY: Had his body play host to not one but twelve alien psyches simultaneously. Most interestingly of all, apparently died and according to the report, evolved into a higher being.

AUDIENCE: Too bad we'll never get a decent follow up plot about it.

WRITERS: About what?

[FLASHBACK TO MERIDIAN, AND DANIEL'S ASCENSCION.]

WOOLSEY: Teal'c, an alien. Former soldier of the Goa'uld. Now possesses full security clearance at our most secret facility.

CHAIRMAN: He earned that trust.

NON-JONAS FANS: Unlike someone else we could name.

WOOLSEY: Yes, that trust almost cost SG-1 dearly when he rejoined the ranks of the System Lord Apophis.

[FLASHBACK TO ENEMIES, WHEN TEAL'C HAD BEEN BRAINWASHED BY POFFY.]

CHAIRMAN: He'd been brainwashed by the enemy.

WOOLSEY: Yes, like his fellow team members, he too has shown a vulnerability to alien influence. Which finally brings us to the team leader, Jack O'Neill. Infected by alien contagions a half dozen times, experimented on by extraterrestrials another half dozen times. Had his memories manipulated on numerous occasions. Had the entire repository of an Ancient alien database effectively downloaded into his head.

[FLASHBACK TO THE FIFTH RACE'S FACE HUGGER SCENE.]

WRITERS: Ooooh, we're foreshadowing an upcoming ep with a previous one in a clip show. Aren't we clever?

AUDIENCE: Do you *really* want us to answer?

WRITERS: Not really. We don't listen when you answer anyway.

HAYES: How these people maintain their sanity is beyond me. I'm having trouble just sitting here listening to it.

AUDIENCE: We're getting bored sitting here watching it. Again.

WOOLSEY: But who's to say they're completely free of these influences?

CHAIRMAN: They're routinely checked and cleared by medical professionals.

JANET FANS: But not by *the* medical professional. [sob]

[WOOLSEY TALKS AOBUT HOW THEY CAN'T AFFORD TO LOOK THE OTHER WAY. HE THINKS SG-1 MEMBERS SHOULD HAVE HAD CONSIDERATIONS FOR TRANSFERS.]

NOROMOS: Transferring to other teams, what a concept!

S/J SHIPPERS: Why would anyone need to transfer? Sam and Jack must be together at work and at home!

[THE GROUP TAKES A BREAK, BUT KINSEY STAYS BEHIND AND USES THE OPPORTUNITY TO CONFRONT HAYES. KINSEY'S PISSED THE PRES SEEMS TO BE ON THE SGC'S SIDE, BUT THE PRES SAYS HE NEEDS TIME TO ABSORB EVERYTHING BEFORE MAKING A DECISION. KINSEY MAKES A COMMENT ABOUT THE REAL REASON WHY THE PRESIDENT GOT HIS JOB.]

HAYES: I am here Bob, because the people of this nation elected me to run *their* country, not the whole damn galaxy. And this is my office Bob, not yours, no matter what you may think you did to make this happen. And don't you ever, for one second, forget that.

AUDIENCE: You *go*, sir.

[THE MEETING STARTS UP AGAIN.]

WOOLSEY: Time and again General Hammond and SG-1 have demonstrated shockingly poor judgment.

NOROMOS: Turning an Air Force officer into a whiny, piney chick is at the top of the list.

AUDIENCE: That's the writer's doings.

WRITERS: And we do it *so* well!

NOROMOS: [sigh]

[FLASHBACK TO SIGHT UNSEEN, WITH PEOPLE SEEING WEIRD SHIT (TM).]

KINSEY: Well, I for one would like to know how many more times we're going to have to clean up after these people.

AUDIENCE: We'd like to put you on the SGC's payroll as a janitor, and let you *really* clean up after them, you jerk.

WOOLSEY: Only a few months ago, General Hammond allowed the testing of an unproven computer virus that infected and shut down our entire gate network, leaving us open to a potential planetary assault.

CHAIRMAN: You can't hold Hammond responsible for that. It was a Goa'uld modification of the virus that caused the problem.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS SICK OF SHIP AND SAMGATE: No, we can blame Sammiekins for that bit of brilliance.

AUDIENCE: And the writers for creating Felger and scripting this show. Um…both this show and Avenger 2.0, if you want to get technical.

WOOLSEY: There was incident three years ago when General Hammond allowed emotion to override established Gateroom protocol.

[FLASHBACK TO CHAIN REACTION. STAFF BLASTS ARE COMING THROUGH THE GATE AS HAMMOND WAITS FOR THE TEAM TO RETURN.]

[WOOLSEY TALKS ABOUT SG-1'S SUSPECT PRIORITIES, SUCH AS DANIEL HAVING TWO CLOSE PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS END WITH THE OTHER PERSON AS A HOST. TEAL'C'S FRIENDS AND FAMILY ARE STILL AMONG THE JAFFA, AND COULD BE A TARGET TO GET TO HIM. AND...]

WOOLSEY: Both Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter have demonstrated an alarming tendency to let interpersonal relationships cloud their decision making process.

HAYES: They have a right to their feelings. Unless of course you're suggesting…ah.…some kind of inappropriate relationship here?

NOROMOS: Here it comes, we can feel it…the Ship Hammer of the Week!

[KINSEY JUMPS ON THE IMPLICATION OF SHIP LIKE A STARVING DOG ON FRESH MEAT.]

KINSEY: Inappropriate, yes! That is exactly what he's suggesting.

[WOOLSEY LOOKS PAINED AT THE SUGGESTION OF AN INAPPROPRIATE RELATIONSHIP.]

NOROMOS: Is he pained because he doesn't see the "chemistry" either, or is he guilty about his own Mr. Burns/Smithers relationship with Kinsey?

KINSEY: It's difficult to come away from these reports without the distinct impression that there is a lot more going on between Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter than simple friendship and respect.

NOROMOS: We're putting our fingers in our ears now. Or we might start displaying one finger in particular.

KINSEY: For example, there was an incident last year in which Colonel O'Neill went missing.

[FLASHBACK TO PARADISE LOST, AND SAM BEING BITCHY AT DR. LEE.]

CHAIRMAN: That's it? That's your evidence?

AUDIENCE: We hate to play the "female" card, but are you sure it wasn't PMS? Or maybe some really bad burritos?

KINSEY: Oh, I believe there's a lot more to this than we've been told. Well…of course I hardly expect them to incriminate themselves with their own reports. But we can all read between the lines.

S/J SHIPPERS: We're been reading between the lines for *years*. It's just the rest of the audience that's not smart enough to figure it out.

NOROMOS: SORRY, CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING. FINGERS IN EARS. HUMMING.

SLASHERS: [Returning from the restroom to check on the downloads of slashvids] Did we miss anything?

INT. KINSEY'S OFFICE

[LATER…WOOLSEY MEETS PRIVATELY WITH KINSEY.]

SLASHERS: Even we shall not go there. There's not enough bleach on the planet to get the imagery out of our heads.

[KINSEY SAYS THE PRESIDENT WILL COME AROUND SOON, BUT WOOLSEY ISN'T SO SURE.]

WOOLSEY: And if he doesn't?

KINSEY: [proto-maniacal laughter] Things happen.

WOOLSEY: What is that supposed to mean?

KINSEY: It means you chose the right side, Richard. One way or another, I promise you. I'm going to win this one.

INT. WHITE HOUSE

[CHAIRMAN MEETS WITH HAYES.]

SLASHERS: Now, *that* we can work with.

HAYES: Look, it may very well be that Hammond and SG-1 have done their very best under difficult circumstances, but there's a political aspect to the Vice President's position that makes a lot of sense.

CHAIRMAN: Sir? Are you actually agreeing with the rat bastard?

[HAYES EXPLAINS THAT WHEN THE STARGATE PROGRAM GOES PUBLIC, THERE'S GOING TO BE A FIGHT, SO CLEANING HOUSE NOW MAKES IT LOOK LIKE HE'S IN CONTROL OF THE SITUATION.]

CHAIRMAN: The System Lords have proven themselves to be formidable adversaries.

AUDIENCE: And snappy dressers!

[THE CHAIRMAN EXPLAINS ABOUT THE THREAT POSED BY ANUBIS. THE AUDIENCE GIGGLES HYSTERICALLY.]

[FLASHBACK TO FULL CIRCLE, AS ANUBIS DESTROYED THE GOA'ULD FLEET.]

[FLASHBACK TO EVOLUTION, PART 1, WHEN JACK AND CO. TRY TO CAPTURE A SUPERTROOPER.]

HAYES: A super soldier.

CHAIRMAN: Not just one. He's got a whole army.

AUDIENCE: One with a three-week lifespan.

WRITERS: Quit pointing that out! We ignore it, so should you.

AUDIENCE: We also have to ignore the fact that they look like the bastard love child of Darth Vader and a bug. We won't even mention the codpiece issue. We mean, really -- overcompensate and project much?

[MINI-FLASHBACK TO EVOLUTION'S, "HAIL ANUBIS" SCENE.]

CHAIRMAN: Anubis may be incredibly powerful, but he's not invincible. There is a way to take him out.

HAYES: How's that?

AUDIENCE: Changing the channel?

CHAIRMAN: By finding the Lost City.

HAYES: Say what?

CHAIRMAN: The gate system was built by a race of highly advanced aliens known as the Ancients.

AUDIENCE: Would they have called themselves the Ancients?

WRITERS: Ignore stuff like that, just watch the story.

AUDIENCE: There's a story? We're so not getting our memos.

WRITERS: Argh.

AUDIENCE: They probably have some name for themselves pronounceable only by glowy octopi and the Asgard translated it into their vernacular as "elderly gaseous emissions," which Thor immediately recognized that Jack would pass on as "Old Fart," and went with "Ancient" instead.

[FLASHBACK TO MATERNAL INSTICT, AS AN ANCIENT GLOWY SQUID ARISES FROM THE BODY OF THE MONK.]

DANIEL FANS: Oh, we saw a half-second of Danny Toes again!

[CHAIRMAN EXPLAINS THAT THE ANCIENTS WON'T HELP.]

CHAIRMAN: Last year, SG-1 made an amazing discovery on a planet called Abydos.

AUDIENCE: Which the writers blew to hell and gone.

WRITERS: Pyramid go boom! Kewl!

[FLASHBACK TO FULL CIRLCE, AS DANIEL IS EXPLAINING ABOUT THE LOST CITY.]

CHAIRMAN: Hammond and SG-1 are close to finding the Lost City. Let them do their job, Sir. Let them save this planet one more time.

HAYES: The Vice President may be a pain in the ass, but I can't just ignore him.

AUDIENCE: Why not? We do it quite often, and with great success.

HAYES: As far as I can tell, Hammond and SG-1 have done an extraordinary job under very difficult circumstances. But in doing so they've made some mistakes. They've made some enemies. And frankly, I don't know if I can protect them.

INT. PENTAGON

[WOOLSEY IS NOW MEETING WITH THE CHAIRMAN. THE VICE PRESIDENT DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT THE MEETING, AND WOOLSEY WANTS TO KEEP IT THAT WAY.]

WOOLSEY: I want to warn you. I think the Vice President may be involved with people capable of…well…anything.

AUDIENCE: Like, duh.

WOOLSEY: Look, no matter what you might think of me, I consider myself to be a man of integrity.

AUDIENCE: [choke]

WOOLSEY: I took the job with the NID because I strongly believe in civilian oversight of top-secret military operations.

AUDIENCE: But apparently he's a bigger believer in getting kickbacks from corporations with Pentagon contracts.

WOOLSEY: I don't have any proof Sir, but I am starting to question whether those to whom I have dedicated my allegiance…are as honorable as I had hoped.

CHAIRMAN: You're a resourceful man, Mr. Woolsey. If you think there's proof out there, find it. Dig yourself out of your own hole, you little worm.

INT. HAMMOND'S OFFICE

[WOOLSEY IS NOW MEETING WITH HAMMOND.]

WOOLSEY: I take great pride in my work General, my job demands meticulous research and above all else, impartiality in its execution. My aim is to present an airtight argument, a point of view for those I serve with no personal agenda whatsoever.

HAMMOND: Get to the point.

AUDIENCE: Yes, please. We (heart) Hammond.

WOOLSEY: Do you recall the assassination attempt on then Senator Kinsey?

[FLASHBACK TO SMOKE AND MIRRORS.]

[WOOLSEY EXPLAINS HE THINKS THE ROGUE NID ELEMENT IS STILL AT WORK, AND KINSEY MAY STILL BE TIED TO THEM.]

WOOLSEY: Something must have made Kinsey a liability. But after the assassination attempt failed, the opportunity presented itself to propel Kinsey onto the presidential ticket.

HAMMOND: Either way, I'm not surprised by any of this Mr. Woolsey.

AUDIENCE: None of us are surprised either.

[WOOLSEY EXPLAINS THAT HE IS LOOKING FOR ANY EVIDENCE AGAINST KINSEY.]

HAMMOND: What makes you think evidence like that exists?

WOOLSEY: Because you're sitting right there. Three years ago you left the SGC, supposedly retired. I'm guessing you were blackmailed.

HAMMOND: And?

WOOLSEY: And then you came back. Nothing about that ever made any sense to me. I want to know why, how. You've got something on Kinsey, something I can use.

[FLASHBACK TO CHAIN REACTION, IN WHICH JACK AND MAYBOURNE STEAL INFORMATION FROM KINSEY'S COMPUTER.]

[HAMMOND PULLS AN ENVELOPE OUT OF HIS DESK AND GIVES IT TO WOOLSEY, TELLING HIM IT'S NOT THE ONLY COPY. WOOLSEY PULLS OUT THE DISK THAT JACK AND HARRY GOT FROM KINSEY'S PC.]

WOOLSEY: Why haven't you given this to someone before now?

HAMMOND: I didn't know who to trust. I still don't.

INT. OVAL OFFICE

[WOOLSEY MEETS WITH HAYES.]

HAYES: Is there something that you wanted to add to your report, Mr. Woolsey?

WOOLSEY: As I'm sure you're aware, the NID does not exactly have a spotless record. For several years, a group of rogue agents operated inside of its ranks. They were acting on behalf a cabal of international business interests, intent on acquiring alien technology for their own profit.

HAYES: One could only hope.

WOOLSEY: Mr. President?

AUDIENCE: Translation…what the frell?

HAYES: What I'm saying is that one could only hope that *money* was their chief motivation. In light of the new reality that Stargate presents, there are aspirations beyond mere financial greed that could be much worse.

WOOLSEY: I agree.

HAYES: You're here to tell me that the Vice President is still in league with them?

AUDIENCE: Again with the catching on quick. Can we have this guy back later?

WOOLSEY: If these people are as powerful as we both think, it does make one wonder what the Vice President could possibly have offered them in exchange for the price on his head.

HAYES: Obviously the full control of the Stargate program that the White House affords.

WOOLSEY: The Vice President brought key financing to your campaign victory. I just hope that it didn't come at too high a cost.

[KINSEY PLACES THE FLOPPY DISK ON THE PRESIDENT'S DESK.]

WOOLSEY: I also hope that history one day shows that I tried to do the right thing.

HAYES: Whose version of history, Mr. Woolsey?

FADE OUT

AUDIENCE: Let the record note that only two eps from the pre-season four regime were used in the clips, all written by the same person who's still one of the show runners. And out of the fourteen eps used (if you count Evolution's two parts), *five* making Woolsey's and Kinsey's case to oust the management of the SGC are from Season Six. What does that truly say about the mismanagement of the Stargate program?

WRITERS: [boggle]

AUDIENCE: For your next round of "research," might we suggest something by Freud?

NEXT WEEK, JACK STICKS HIS HEAD SOMEWHERE HE SHOULDN'T.

SLASHERS: [cackle] Can't. Breathe.