8.02 New Order Part 2: The Breadbox Edition

PREVIOUSLY ON STARGATE SG-1…

[SAM'S BEEN KIDNAPPED BY FIFTH AND THE REPLICATORS (SOUNDS LIKE A ROCK BAND, DOESN'T IT?), AND ASSUMED DEAD AFTER THEIR SHIP IS DESTROYED BEFORE ATTACKING THE ASGARD HOMEWORLD. PERHAPS FINALLY TURNING THE BLACK WIDOW CURSE AGAINST ITS SOURCE.]

WRITERS: Nyeh. You know better than *that*.

[YEAH, WHATEVER. ANYWAY... THE GOA'ULD WERE ABOUT TO LEAVE THE SGC AFTER A FAILED ATTEMPT TO GET THE TAU'RI TO FIGHT BA'AL FOR THEM. MEANWHILE, JACK'S STILL GOT HIS COSMIC GIDDINESS (TM) IN FROZEN CONCENTRATE FORM IN ANTARCTICA.]

INT. GATE ROOM

[THE SYSTEM LORDS ARE PISSY BECAUSE DANIEL SHUT DOWN THE GATE AFTER FINDING OUT THEY WERE SENDING SHIPS TO ATTACK EARTH. WEIR ORDERS THEM CONFINED.]

BDSMERS: Confined? You need anything, just let us know.

INT. THOR'S SHIP

[THOR RECEIVES WORD THAT DEBRIS FROM THE REPLICATOR SHIP HAS FALLEN ON THE HOMEWORLD AND HAVE BEGUN REPLICATING, AS THEY ARE WONT TO DO. THEY'VE ALREADY INFECTED SYSTEMS NEEDED TO SAVE MINDS STORED IN COMPUTER SYSTEMS.]

THOR: Orilla is the last chance of ever rebuilding our empire.

AUDIENCE: Empire? That doesn't sound very... nice.

THOR: Hush, you. Don't worry your silly little human heads over it.

INT. PROMETHEUS

[SENSORS HAVE DETECTED AN ALIEN VESSEL.]

PENDERGAST: Open a channel, broadcast on all frequencies and translate into Goa'uld.

FEMALE OFFICER: Yes, sir.

AUDIENCE: So which Star Trek Captain is Pendergast? It's obvious the female officer is Uhura. Maybe Tasha Yar.

[PENDERGAST SENDS OUT A MESSAGE THAT SAYS FAILURE TO REPLY WILL CONSTITUTE AN ACT OF AGGRESSION, YADDA YADDA, SHIT BLOW UP, YADDA YADDA.]

TEAL'C (ON VIEWSCREEN): That will be unnecessary.

AUDIENCE: So *very* unnecessary.

TEAL'C: I have brought greetings from Thor, the Supreme Commander of the Asgard fleet. We are aboard the Daniel Jackson.

DANIEL FANS: The what now in the who what?

WRITERS: Thor's ship is called the Daniel Jackson, just like the previous one was the Jack O'Neill.

DANIEL FANS: We're speechless.

WRITERS: Finally!

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[WEIR TELLS THE GOA'ULD THE ASGARD HAVE ARRIVED TO WITNESS THE DEMONSTRATION OF THE ANCIENT DEFENSE SYSTEM, BUT THERE'S STILL TIME FOR THEM TO CALL OFF THE ATTACK. DANIEL ENTERS THE ROOM.]

DANIEL: Your ship isn't coming. It was destroyed en route by Ba'al. The collective forces of the System Lords are bowing, and you're losing the war.

YU: And so are you.

[A BRIGHT LIGHT ENGULFS DANIEL, AND HE DISAPPEARS.]

INT. THOR'S SHIP

[DANIEL APPEARS ON THE BRIDGE, WITH THOR AND TEAL'C AT THE CONTROLS.]

DANIEL: Hey guys!

THOR: Our new colony is in grave jeopardy. The Replicators escaped from the time dilation device and are threatening to destroy the Asgard.

AUDIENCE: Not much in the way of hello, is it?

DANIEL: Okay. So, what can we do?

TEAL'C: Thor believes the Ancient knowledge stored in O'Neill's mind may be the key to defeating the Replicators once and for all.

DANIEL: Jack's frozen down in Antarc...

[ANOTHER BEAM OF LIGHT, AND JACK'S STASIS POD APPEARS.]

DANIEL: ...tica.

[DANIEL GOES OVER TO THE POD AND LOOKS AT THE JACKSICLE.]

SLASHERS: Mmmmm. We envision a meltdown of epic proportions.

DANIEL: As I was saying. Where's Sam?

TEAL'C: She was captured by the Replicators. Their ship was destroyed.

NOROMOS: About the *only* ship the writers will destroy.

INT. BEDROOM SOMEWHERE

[SAM WAKES UP IN A BED, WEARING A LONG WHITE NIGHTGOWN, AND HAS LONG HAIR TOO.]

S/J SHIPPERS: Are we finally going to get what we were promised, ever so long ago?

AUDIENCE: Oh, come on, it's got to be a dream sequence!

S/J SHIPPERS: Doesn't matter. This has *got* to Sam at Jack's cabin after he's retired, right?

WRITERS: Um. Well... [fidget]

S/J SHIPPERS: Bad writers. No cookie!

[SAM, NOW DRESSED, EXPLORES THE FARMHOUSE'S KITCHEN, THEN GOES OUTSIDE. SHE GOES TO A BARN, AND PETE WALKS OUT AND SMILES AT HER.]

S/J SHIPPERS: Oh, this is *so* beyond not getting a cookie! You get Sam into an AU world or dream sequence, and you waste the opportunity to show us some Sam-n-Jack nookie? Inconceivable!

PETE: Hey sleepyhead. Didn't think you'd ever get up. It was kind of a long night, huh?

S/P SHIPPERS: [swoon]

[PETE GIVES SAM A SLAP ON THE BEHIND AS HE GOES TO FEED THE HORSES.]

S/J SHIPPERS: Wife beater! First a stalker and now a wife beater!

S/P SHIPPERS: Get. Over. It.

[SAM GOES THROUGH THE USUAL, "WHERE AM I AND WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE" SHTICK. SHE TELLS "PETE" SHE DOESN'T THINK THIS IS REAL.]

SAM: You don't understand. This isn't happening. The last thing I remember, I was onboard a Replicator ship. This is just another way of screwing with my mind.

NOROMOS: And the minds of one hell of a lot of shippers.

[PETE TELLS HER SHE LEFT THE SGC A YEAR AGO BECAUSE OF MENTAL STRESS AND THEY MOVED TO MONTANA. SHE'S BEEN SEEING A SHRINK ABOUT NIGHTMARES, AND SHE JUST HAD A REALLY BAD ONE.]

SNIT: We were right! Sam *does* need intensive therapy.

[PETE PLANTS A BIG KISS ON HER THEN GRINS.]

AUDIENCE: We say again -- the DeLuise family has excellent genes.

PETE: Did that feel real?

SAM: Yes.

S/P SHIPPERS: Yes, oh *yes*.

S/J SHIPPERS: It's just a dream, it's just a dream, it's just a dream...

S/P SHIPPERS: We're getting a better deal than the time when Sam had a concussion and had delusions of kissing Jack.

S/J SHIPPERS: [humming with fingers in ears]

[PETE TELLS HER TO SNAP OUT OF IT, AND THEY GO BACK TO THE HOUSE TO HAVE BREAKFAST.]

INT. DANIEL JACKSON

DANIEL FANS: OK, that's very disturbing.

SLASHERS: Even to us, it's rather disturbing. Can we change it back?

INT. THOR'S SHIP

AUDIENCE: Much better, less disturbing.

[THOR'S GOING TO MERGE JACK'S MIND WITH THE SHIP'S COMPUTER. DANIEL ASKS WHY THOR CAN'T SAVE HIM LIKE LAST TIME, BY ERASING THE ANCIENT KNOWLEDGE FROM HIS MIND, INSTEAD OF RISKING JACK'S LIFE BY THAWING HIM OUT. THOR SAYS THAT WOULD MEAN LOSING ANY CHANCE OF FINDING A WAY TO DEFEAT THE REPLICATORS, BUT DANIEL SAYS THEY CAN'T MAKE THE CHOICE FOR JACK.]

FRIENDSHIPPERS: [sigh of the good variety]

D/J SLASHERS: [double sigh of the good variety]

[DANIEL SUGGESTS EXTRACTING THE INFORMATION INTO THE SHIP'S COMPUTER, AND USING IT THAT WAY, BUT THOR SAYS THE ASGARD HAVE STUDIED A PORTION OF THE ANCIENT'S LIBRARY FOR A LONG TIME, AND HAVE ONLY SCRATCHED THE SURFACE. HE HOPES THAT JACK WILL ALLOW THEM A DIRECT CONDUIT TO WHAT THEY NEED.]

INT. SGC HOLDING CELL

[OSHU HAS REQUESTED TO SEE WEIR. HE TELLS HER THAT IF THEY INTEND TO GET INFORMATION FROM HIM, HE WILL DIE BEFORE SAYING ANYTHING, AND NOTHING YU SAYS CAN BE TRUSTED. HE SAYS THAT ANUBIS STILL NEEDED THE BULK OF HIS ARMADA TO KEEP THE SYSTEM LORDS AT BAY, AND THE FLEET HE USED TO ATTACK EARTH WAS SMALL IN COMPARISON TO WHAT BA'AL WILL BRING.]

WEIR: What would you have me do?

OSHU: Free us to fight. Or if we must... die with honor.

TREKKERS: Sounds very Klingon, doesn't it?

OSHU FANS: Yeah, but he's hot, so we're going to overlook it this time.

INT. THOR'S SHIP

[THOR HAS INTERFACED JACK INTO THE COMPUTER. JACK'S VOICE IS HEARD THROUGHOUT THE SHIP, EVEN THOUGH HIS BODY IS STILL IN THE STASIS POD.]

JACK: Hello. Testing, testing. One, two, one, two, one, two, testing. Hellooo. Is this thing on?

DANIEL: Jack?

THOR: O'Neill, can you hear us?

JACK: Hey! Hey guys. What's going on?

THOR: Your mind has been interfaced with the Daniel Jackson.

JACK: What?

DANIEL: What?

SLASHERS: [splashing in the shallow end of the Bad Place]

TEAL'C: The name of Thor's ship is Daniel Jackson.

THOR: All the information in the ship's computer is available to you.

JACK: Ah, right, here we go. Ah, this is cool. I can pretty much do anything I want, can't I?

AUDIENCE: Cosmic Giddiness (tm) alert, level orange!

[THE LIGHTS DIM SEVERAL TIMES BEFORE THOR GETS JACK TO SNAP OUT OF IT. HE TELLS JACK HE CAN APPEAR AS A HOLOGRAM, SO HE DOES. HE SAYS IT'S A LITTLE WEIRD, BUT HE'S OK. DANIEL POINTS OUT AT LEAST HE'S NOT SPEAKING ANCIENT, BUT THOR SAYS THE COMPUTER IS TRANSLATING. JACK GETS DISTRACTED AGAIN, LOOKING AT HIS BODY IN THE STASIS POD.]

SLASHERS: Is he pondering what we're pondering? [...] Probably not, dammit.

THOR: There is not much time, O'Neill.

TEAL'C: Thor's planet...

JACK: I know. Ship's log.

THOR: Can you help with the Replicators?

JACK: Already on it.

DANIEL: Jack.

JACK: Daniel. The computer recorded the whole conversation. Thanks for your concern.

FRIENDSHIPPERS AND SLASHERS: Squee!

JACK: Talk amongst yourselves.

FRIENDSHIPPERS AND SLASHERS: Oh, we *will*!

[JACK'S HOLOGRAM DISAPPEARS]

INT. ANOTHER HOLDING CELL AT THE SGC

[WEIR ENTERS. CAMULUS IS SITTING ON THE BED.]

CAMULUS FANS: Oh. My. We're having... thoughts.

RHADE FANS: So are we.

HETSMUTTERS: Welcome to our world.

SLASHERS: Or ours. Whatever makes you happy.

[WEIR SAYS THEY'RE LETTING THE GOA'ULD GO. THEY KNOW INTERROGATING THEM WON'T BE EASY, AND IT WOULD BE BETTER IF THEY WERE OUT THERE FIGHTING BA'AL. WEIR IS ABOUT TO LEAVE AS CAMULUS STANDS AND SPEAKS.]

CAMULUS: This might come as a surprise to you.

KILT FANS: You're regimental? No surprise for us, but we'd like some proof. Kilt check!

WEIR: Oh, I'm not sure anything can surprise me at this point.

CAMULUS: I wish to request asylum.

WEIR: Well, seems I was wrong again.

[CAMULUS SAYS HE HAS NOTHING LEFT WAITING FOR HIM EXCEPT SHAME AND TORTURE. HE SAYS HE COULD BE OF MORE USE TO THEM HERE.]

INT. FARMHOUSE KITCHEN

[SAM AND PETE FINISH BREAKFAST AND CHIT CHAT A LITTLE.]

SAM: Come on. You can't really expect me to just play along.

[PETE THROWS A FRYING PAN DOWN, OBVIOUSLY ANGRY, SAYING HE GAVE UP HIS JOB FOR THIS.]

SAM: See? That is definitely not Pete.

S/J SHIPPERS: [grrr]

SAM: Nothing you say is going to convince me. I know who you are, I just don't understand why. What do you want from me? Why are you doing this?

[PETE TRANSFORMS INTO FIFTH.]

FIFTH: Because I love you.

NOROMOS: Oh geeze. But this means he's gonna die, right?

S/J SHIPPERS: Yeah, because Jack's gonna kill him.

INT. THOR'S SHIP

[JACK'S MIND IS BUILDING SOMETHING WITH THE SHIP'S COMPUTER, BUT THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS. DANIEL IS STANDING NEAR THE STASIS POD.]

FRIENDSHIPPERS AND SLASHERS: You know, as much as we're loving this, we have a bad feeling we'll pay for it later.

WRITERS: Sorry, we weren't paying attention to the *threads* of conversation. [tee hee]

FRIENDSHIPPERS AND SLASHERS: [sigh]

[ALARMS SOUND, AND THOR SAYS HE MUST REVIVE JACK. THE DEVICE OPENS AND JACK WAKES UP. DANIEL BENDS DOWN TO THE CHAMBER.]

DANIEL: Take it easy. You've been through a lot.

FRIENDSHIPPERS AND SLASHERS: We may pay for it later, but gah!

[DANIEL ASKS WHAT'S THE LAST THING HE REMEMBERS. JACK SAYS GETTING HIS HEAD SUCKED BY AN ANCIENT HEAD SUCKER. THE SLASHERS TRY VALIANTLY NOT TO GIGGLE, THEN FORGET EVERYTHING AS DANIEL HELPS JACK SIT UP.]

JACK: And something about twins.

HETSMUTTERS: We could work with this!

SLASHERS: So could we, even if it's just to point out he was "in" Daniel Jackson and maybe the twins refer to Jack and Holo!Jack and Daniel or Teal'c. Multitasking, baybee.

[TEAL'C'S INTERRUPTED TRYING TO ANSWER THE INEVITABLE, "WHAT'S WITH THE HAIR?" QUESTION FROM JACK. THOR SYNTHESIZES THE DEVICE JACK CREATED.]

JACK: Sweet. What is it?

DANIEL: We don't know, but you made it.

JACK: No.

DANIEL: Yes.

JACK: No.

DANIEL: Yes.

JACK: No.

DANIEL: Yes.

FRIENDSHIPPERS AND SLASHERS: Banter, how we've missed thee.

THOR: You accessed the Ancient knowledge in your mind and instructed the ship's computer to design it.

JACK: Doesn't mean I know what it is.

[JACK TRIES TO STAND, BUT HIS LEGS GIVE OUT, SO DANIEL AND TEAL'C HELP HIM, WHILE THE SLASHERS SQUEE THEMSELVES INTO A COMA. JACK STUDIES THE DEVICE.]

JACK: Yeah. I got nothing.

LATER...

[THE ASGARD HOMEWORLD HAS CONTACTED THOR, AND REPORT THE REPLICATORS ARE ACTING IN AN ORGANIZED FASHION UNLIKE ANYTHING THEY'VE SEEN BEFORE. THOR THINKS MAYBE THERE'S A HUMAN-FORM REPLICATOR CONTROLLING THEM, AND DANIEL SAYS THAT IF ONE OF THEM SURVIVED, IT'S POSSIBLE SAM SURVIVED TOO, AND ASKS THOR TO SCAN FOR LIFE SIGNS, AND THOR'S CONTACT SAYS THEY HAVE, AND FOUND NOTHING. THEN CONTACT IS LOST WITH THE HOMEWORLD.]

S/D SHIPPERS: Let the record show that *Daniel* brought that up.

S/J SHIPPERS: [grumble, grumble]

INT. FARMHOUSE KITCHEN

[FIFTH IS SITTING AT THE TABLE WITH SAM.]

SAM: Did you really think that you could convince me that this illusion was my life? That I would just accept it?

FIFTH: If it was something you wanted badly enough in your mind.

S/J SHIPPERS: Ha! She didn't want it badly enough!

S/P SHIPPERS: Yeah, but apparently she didn't want Jack at all, since Fifth can, you know, *read her mind* and thought that Pete was the one that *could* make her want it badly enough.

S/J SHIPPERS: We hate you.

S/P SHIPPERS: Maybe so, but *we* are canon. Deal.

S/J SHIPPERS: [primal scream]

[SAM ASKS IF HE TORTURED HER SO SHE WOULD WANT THIS AS AN ALTERNATIVE. HE DOES A VARIANT ON THE "MAN DONE WRONG" ROUTINE, FINALLY SAYING HE KNOWS HER LIKE NO ONE ELSE COULD.]

CARTER No, you don't understand. I could never be happy this way.

FIFTH: Then you will be unhappy for a very long time.

[BACK IN THE REAL WORLD, SAM IS ENCASED IN REPLICATOR BLOCKS.]

INT. GATE ROOM

[YU, OSHU AND AMATERASU LEAVE, BUT AMATERASU MAKES A LAST COMMENT TO WEIR THAT CAMULUS WILL BE FOREVER BRANDED A TRAITOR AND COWARD BEFORE SHE WALKS THROUGH THE GATE.]

INT. THOR'S SHIP

[THOR IS STUDYING THE DEVICE, BUT CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT. COMMANDER AEGIR OF THE VALHALLA CONTACTS THOR, SAYING THEY'VE FOUND A HUMAN FORM REPLICATOR FLOATING IN SPACE, INACTIVE. THOR TRANSPORTS IT ONBOARD IN AN ATTEMPT TO FIND THE LOCATION OF THE HUMAN FORM... THAT'S GETTING WAY TOO LONG TO TYPE, SO FROM NOW ON, HFR IT IS. ANYWAY, THOR WANTS TO TRY TO FIND THE LOCATION OF THE HFR ON THE PLANET.]

THOR: All Replicators are linked by a sophisticated communication system. If we can use this one to tap into the network we will be able to see what any of the Replicators can see.

JACK: And if he wakes up, is this pod going to hold him?

THOR: Probably not.

[JACK AND DANIEL SHARE A LOOK, WHILE TEAL'C GETS HIS WEAPON.]

TEAL'C FANS: We like a man with his priorities straight.

SLASHERS: Whatever gets y'all through the night. Straight. Yeah, right, straight.

JACK: Then perhaps there is no great wisdom in this.

THOR: I will transport it back into space if necessary, but we must take the risk.

[TEAL'C PRIMES HIS WEAPON AND JACK GETS MORE WEAPONS FOR HIMSELF AND DANIEL, AND ALL THREE STAND AT THE READY WHILE THOR SCANS THE REPLICATOR'S COMMUNICATION DATA FOR ANY REFERENCES TO OTHER HFRS.]

INT. FARMHOUSE KITCHEN

SAM: No matter what you do I will never, ever participate in this fantasy.

[FIFTH SUDDENLY LOOKS AWAY FROM HER.]

SAM: What?

SNIT: The world doesn't revolve around you, chickie. Well, OK, this particular one was designed *for* you, but the real world isn't like that.

INT. THOR'S SHIP

[THOR'S SCAN REVEALS THE IMAGE OF SAM ENCLOSED IN REPLICATOR BLOCKS, AND HE NARROWS DOWN HER LOCATION TO A SMALL REPLICATOR STRUCTURE IN A HEAVILY WOODED AREA.]

AUDIENCE: A heavily wooded area that looks a *lot* like Canada.

[AS THEY DISCUSS HOW SAM COULD HAVE SURVIVED IF THE SHIP WAS DESTROYED, THE REPLICATOR IN THE CHAMBER WAKES UP MORE THAN A BIT GRUMPY AND WITH KILLER MORNING BREATH. THOR TRIES TO BEAM IT OUT, BUT IT DOESN'T WORK. IT INTERFACES WITH THE SHIP'S COMPUTER, AND GETS OUT OF THE CHAMBER. THE GUYS SHOOT AT IT FOR A BIT, BUT IT SHRUGS IT OFF, T-1000 STYLE. JACK USES THE UNKNOWN DEVICE HE CREATED. THE REPLICATOR DISINTEGRATES.]

THOR: It seems to have permanently disrupted all communication between the individual cells, rendering each one inert. We explored such a technology in the past with no success.

JACK: Great. Does that mean we can use this thing to whack the rest of those bugs?

[THOR SAYS NOW THAT HE KNOWS WHAT IT DOES, HE MAY BE ABLE TO MAKE A BIGGER VERSION TO BROADCAST A DISRUPTION WAVE OVER THE ENTIRE PLANET.]

AUDIENCE: Men. Always a size competition.

[THOR SAYS HE CAN'T TRANSPORT THEM INTO THE REPLICATOR SHIP, BUT HE CAN GET THEM CLOSE.]

EXT. ORILLA FOREST WHICH LOOKS A LOT LIKE CANADA

[JACK, TEAL'C AND DANIEL MAKE THEIR WAY THROUGH THE FOREST TO THE SHIP, BUT ARE SOON SWARMED BY REPLICATORS. JACK USES THE NEW WEAPON.]

JACK: Who's your daddy!

JACK FANS: You the daddy!

SNIT: [snort] Yeah, in Sam's "daddy issues" complex.

[FIFTH APPEARS, YELLING AT THEM TO STOP, AND IF THEY CONTINUE, SAM WILL DIE INSTANTLY.]

INT. THOR'S SHIP

[THOR HAS FOUND A WAY TO DO A BIGGER ANTI-REPLICATOR BLAST, AND THE WEAPON IS HALF CHARGED. HE TELLS JACK THIS VIA RADIO.]

EXT. ORILLA FOREST WHICH LOOKS A LOT LIKE CANADA

O'NEILL (VIA COM DEVICE): I'm real happy for you, I'm extremely proud, but we've got a little bit of a problem down here. Fifth detected our approach and he claims he can kill Carter, instantly.

THOR (VIA COM DEVICE): O'Neill...

O'NEILL (VIA COM DEVICE): Hey, I know what you're going to say. Her life was already sacrificed and you've got your whole planet to worry about...

S/J SHIPPERS: [trying to figure out if they can sigh and squee at the same time, but end up hyperventilating]

DANIEL: Jack.

NOROMOS: Normally, the S/J Shippers would probably be yelling for Daniel to hush, but they're still passed out on the floor.

O'NEILL (VIA COM DEVICE): ...but I've got problems too. Hang on a second. (TO DANIEL) What?

[THE PITTER PATTER OF A LOT OF REPLICATOR FEET ARE HEARD HEADING THEIR WAY.]

DANIEL: This could be very bad.

AUDIENCE: Thank you, Master of the Bloody Obvious.

[A HERD OF REPLICATORS MOVE PAST, IGNORING THEM. JACK TELLS THOR THEY'RE RETREATING, BUT THOR SAYS THEY MUST STOP THEM BECAUSE THE WEAPON ISN'T READY YET. JACK, TEAL'C AND DANIEL GO AFTER THE REPLICATORS.]

EXT. FARMHOUSE

[FIFTH SAYS THEY MUST LEAVE, BECAUSE THE ASGARD HAVE FOUND MEANS TO FIGHT THEM THANKS TO JACK.]

SAM: What?

SNIT: We don't think she's shocked at him no longer being a Jackscicle, but she's kinda ticked *she* didn't get to save the day.

NOROMOS: Not to mention her twu luv is alive now.

S/P SHIPPERS: Yeah, Pete is alive and well in Colorado.

S/J SHIPPERS: [twitch]

FIFTH: So many of us are left in the city. We cannot wait for them, they will be killed.

SAM: Don't expect me to be sorry.

FIFTH: Your friends. They are killing...

EXT. ORILLA FOREST WHICH LOOKS A LOT LIKE CANADA

[JACK, TEAL'C AND DANIEL ARE BLOWING UP REPLICATORS LEFT AND RIGHT.]

EXT. FARMHOUSE

FIFTH: ...trying to stop us.

SAM: Trying to save me.

SNIT: Yeah, girly girl, like you're more important than saving the universe from the threat of the Replicators.

FIFTH: No! They do not care about you. I told them I would kill you if they did not stop.

SNIT: They know there really *is* more to this story than the Life and Loves of Sam Carter, National Treasure.

WRITERS: There is? We didn't get the memo.

EXT. ORILLA FOREST WHICH LOOKS A LOT LIKE CANADA

[THE REPLICATORS ARE TRYING TO BUILD THEMSELVES INTO A SHIP AS THE TEAM APPROACHES.]

EXT. FARMHOUSE

SAM: Then why don't you kill me? You know why my friends won't stop, just to save me?

FIFTH: No.

SAM: Because they know when it comes right down to it I would rather be dead than be trapped like this forever. No matter what you feel for me, I will never love you back. Kill me if you want, but if you have even one shred of humanity in you and you really, truly love me, you'll let me go.

SNIT: And of course it has *nothing* to do with saving the Asgard, nay, the entire freaking universe, from the Replicators. It's *all* about Sam and her pathetic excuse for a love life.

WRITERS: Why, yes it is. We guess *you* got the memo.

EXT. ORILLA FOREST WHICH LOOKS A LOT LIKE CANADA

[JACK, TEAL'C AND DANIEL WATCH AS THE REPLICATOR SHIP TAKES OFF. MEANWHILE, THOR USES THE WEAPON TO DESTROY THE REST OF THE REPLICATORS STILL ON THE PLANET. THOR THEN DETECTS A FOURTH LIFESIGN IN THEIR AREA.]

[JACK, TEAL'C AND DANIEL LOOK AT EACH OTHER, THEN BEGIN SEARCHING FOR SAM.]

DANIEL: Sam!

S/D SHIPPERS: Squee!

JACK: Carter!

S/J SHIPPERS: Squee!

TEAL'C: Over here!

S/T SHIPPERS: Squee!

NOROMOS: We're *so* going to do some Googling about which are the best earplugs to use this season.

[TEAL'C IS HELPING SAM SIT UP AS JACK AND DANIEL ARRIVE.]

S/T SHIPPERS: [swoon]

JACK: You okay?

SAM: Glad to see you, Sir.

JACK: Likewise.

NOROMOS: Oh yeah, we were feeling the love in that scene.

S/J SHIPPERS: Did you see? He put his hand on her thigh!

NOROMOS: Nope, sorry, we blinked.

SLASHERS: [returning from kitchen] Snacks, anyone?

INT. WEIR'S OFFICE

[WEIR IS PACKING AS JACK ARRIVES AT HER DOOR.]

WEIR: How are you feeling?

JACK: Not bad. Haven't had the urge to go anywhere or build anything lately.

[WEIR SAYS SHE WANTS TO THANK HIM PERSONALLY, BECAUSE HE'S RISKED HIS LIFE OVER AND OVER AND ASKED NOTHING IN RETURN.]

JACK: Well, don't be fooled. I'm making a list.

AUDIENCE: Live in fear.

SLASHERS: Maybe getting rid of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is on the list?

[JACK FINALLY ASKS WHERE SHE'S GOING, AND SHE TELLS HIM THE PRESIDENT HAS ASKED HER TO SUPERVISE RESEARCH AT THE ANCIENT'S OUTPOST.]

JACK: Does that mean Hammond will be coming back?

HAMMOND FANS: Oh please, oh please, oh please.

WEIR: No, General Hammond is being promoted. He'll be overseeing all things relating to Earth's defense on behalf of the Pentagon and Washington -- the SGC, the 303 program, the Antarctic site. Unofficially, it's being called, 'Homeworld Security'.

HAMMOND FANS: Well, at least there's a chance he'll guest star.

AUDIENCE: Homeworld Security? [rolls eyes]

JACK: Any idea who we're going to be stuck with?

WEIR: The Pentagon has convinced the President that there is one man who could run the SGC and make it politically viable, from an international perspective, despite the fact that he is part of the American military establishment.

JACK: Do we know this... shrub?

WEIR: Well you know him rather well. Brigadier General Jack O'Neill.

JACK: Me?

AUDIENCE: Him?

WEIR: Yeah, you.

JACK: Brigadier. It's on my list.

WEIR: Congratulations.

JACK: I should be clear. I like the promotion, the paycheck and the parking spot. But I don't really want to be in charge of anything. No.

WEIR: Well, sadly, all those things kind of go together. So I guess you have some thinking to do.

JACK: I hate that.

AUDIENCE: It's so difficult for him. Maybe they took out yet more brain cells when they took out the Ancient's library?

INT. DANIEL'S LAB

[THE TEAM IS HELPING JACK BREAK DOWN THE PROMOTION INTO PROS AND CONS, WHAT WITH ALL THE BAD GUYS COMING AFTER THEM, ETC.]

JACK: I've never had a desk.

DANIEL: That's uhh... uhh...?

JACK: Con.

DANIEL: Con.

SAM: For the record, Sir, you do have a desk.

JACK: I do?

DANIEL: On the flip side of the coin there is the fact that nobody knows how this place should be run better than you.

JACK: Why, thank you, Daniel.

FRIENDSHIPPERS: We're going to have a sigh overdose in this ep.

DANIEL: With a little guidance from your good friends and advisors, of course.

SAM: If you don't take the job, we could end up with someone much worse.

[JACK STARES AT HER.]

SAM: Okay, that didn't come out right.

NOROMOS: Little Freudian slip, perhaps?

[JACK ADMITS HE'S NOT SURE HE'S READY TO GIVE UP GOING ON MISSIONS, BUT THEY TELL HIM THERE WILL PROBABLY BE TIMES WHEN HE CAN.]

DANIEL: You'll be in charge, you can do whatever you want.

JACK: I'll be able to do whatever I want.

SLASHERS AND S/J SHIPPERS: And maybe *who* you want?

NOROMOS: Stop it! You're scaring us.

SLASHERS AND S/J SHIPPERS: We're pretty scared too.

[DANIEL, SAM AND TEAL'C SHARE AN ALARMED LOOK.]

SAM: Within reason, Sir.

INT. GATE ROOM

[THE GATE ROOM IS ALL DRESSED UP AND FULL OF PERSONNEL THAT ARE ALL DRESSED UP TOO.]

DANIEL FANS: Daniel in a suit. [thud]

TEAL'C FANS: Teal'c in a suit. [thud]

[WEIR SAYS HER GOODBYES AND INTRODUCES THEIR NEW COMMANDING OFFICER, BRIGADIER GENERAL JACK O'NEILL.]

JACK FANS: Jack in dress uniform. [massive thud]

[JACK SAYS HE HOPES HE CAN BE AS GOOD A LEADER AS THEY'VE HAD IN THE PAST AND AS GOOD AS THEY DESERVE.]

DANIEL: Here, here.

AUDIENCE: Ditto.

JACK: The other reason I took this job was so I could do really cool stuff like this. It is with great pride that my first order of business as Commander of this base is the announcement of the promotion of Major Samantha Carter to Lieutenant Colonel.

SNIT: Say what? You mean a character that has supposedly had a crush on her boss and he on her for the last several years gets rewarded with a promotion? We bet *that* will make for some interesting office gossip.

[SAM JOINS JACK ON THE PODIUM, AND HE BEGINS THE SWEARING IN CEREMONY, REPLACING HER INSIGNIA WITH LT. COLONEL ONES AND ASKS HER TO RAISE HER HAND AND REPEAT THE OATH AFTER HIM.]

SAM: I, Samantha Carter...

S/J FANS: ...Do hereby declare I want to marry you and have a zillion babies, despite the regs!

INT. REPLICATOR SHIP

[REPLICATOR BUGS ARE WORKING ON ONE OF THE WALLS, FIFTH STEPS UP TO IT.]

FIFTH: Don't be afraid. I know the first moment of consciousness can be frightening. I will show you everything, share with you all I know. You have no idea how happy I am we were able to collect enough neutronium.

[A FIGURE STEPS OUT OF THE WALL, COVERED IN GOO.]

ANGEL FANS: Is *that* where Angel's nancy boy hair gel went?

[FIFTH STEPS BACK AS THE NAKED FEMALE FIGURE STEPS OUT AND STANDS IN FRONT OF HIM.]

AUDIENCE: Most guys tend to step forward when there's a naked woman in front of them.

SLASHERS: Not *all* men.

FIFTH: We have much time to share. We must search for a new home for our brethren to propagate. It will pass quickly for us, though. Soon enough, everyone will know. Together, we cannot be stopped.

[FIFTH CARESSES THE FIGURE'S CHEEK, AND THE CAMERA REVEALS SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE SAM.]

SNIT: Oh geeze, *two* of them now?

BUFFY FANS: We're getting "Spike and the Buffy Bot" vibes here. And not in a good way.

FADE OUT

NEXT WEEK, LOCKDOWN, IN WHICH GENERAL JACK GETS TO WORK AND ANUBIS RETURNS, SORTA. SPECIAL ALERT FOR DANIEL WHUMPING FANS: BRING YOUR OWN CIGARETTES, FANS, ETC.

AUDIENCE: Anubis? Greaaaaat.

WRITERS: We *knew* you'd love it!

AUDIENCE: Your Sarcasm Detector must be totally non-functional. We've got our own hammer, a non-shippy version, and we'd be happy to make adjustments.