8.03 Lockdown: The Breadbox Edition

PREVIOUSLY ON STARGATE SG-1…

[NUBY GO BOOM.]

WRITERS: Was it good for you?

AUDIENCE: We've had better.

WRITERS: We haven't.

AUDIENCE: We noticed.

EXT. SPACE, THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION (ISS)

[ISS HAS TO ADJUST ORBIT TO AVOID HITTING A PIECE OF DEBRIS FROM ANUBIS' SHIP. IT'S NOT COVERED BY AAA.]

INT. CONTROL ROOM

[SAM AND A FEMALE RUSSIAN OFFICER ARE MONITORING THE COMMUNICATIONS WITH A RUSSIAN COSMONAUT ON ISS. DANIEL ENTERS, ASKING WHAT'S GOING ON, SO THE AUDIENCE WILL KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. ISS MANEUVERS OUT OF THE WAY, AND THE COSMONAUT SAYS SOMETHING ELSE IN RUSSIAN, BUT THE RUSSIAN OFFICER AT THE SGC DOESN'T SEEM TO WANT TO TRANSLATE, SO DANIEL DOES.]

DANIEL: He said, "If the Americans want to keep blasting alien ships out of orbit they've got to do a better job of tracking their own mess."

DANIEL FANS: Daniel. Translating. Wow.

WRITERS: How'd that get in there? We thought we'd replaced it with some scenes of characters running aimlessly up and down corridors.

[CONTACT IS LOST WITH ISS, AND SOME SORT OF ENERGY WHOTZIT ENTERS THE STATION.]

OPENING CREDITS

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

[A NEW RUSSIAN OFFICER ARRIVES, ALEXI VASELOV, JACK GOES FOR COSMIC GIDDINESS (TM), BUT IT DOESN'T TRANSLATE, AS USUAL. VASELOV ASKS ABOUT THE OPENING ON SG-1.]

VASELOV: I would, of course, relish the opportunity to serve on the SGC's elite team.

JACK: Yes. You and everyone else on this base.

SLASHERS: He's just doesn't want any other guys working with Daniel.

JACK: Colonel? Not going to happen.

AUDIENCE: Jack? The Cold War is *over*. Allies. You're *allies* with the Russians.

[VASELOV BABBLES ON ABOUT HIS SERVICE RECORD, BUT JACK SAYS THAT UNTIL HE HAS PROPER TRAINING, HE'S NOT LETTING HIM ANYWHERE NEAR THE GATE. VASELOV PUSHES FOR AN OBSERVER POST ON AN EXPLORATION UNIT, BUT JACK'S STILL NOT BUYING.]

AUDIENCE: He's protecting his territory.

SHIPPERS AND SLASHERS: In more ways than one!

INT. SAM'S OFFICE

[TEAL'C, DANIEL AND SAM ARE TALKING ABOUT TEAL'C GETTING AN APARTMENT OFF BASE. JACK ENTERS, AND SAM JUMPS UP TO ATTENTION.]

S/J SHIPPERS: We'll just *bet* she does.

JACK: I'm only going to say this once, Carter. At ease.

NOROMOS: They are *so* not at ease.

SLASHERS: Neither are we.

[JACK WHINES ABOUT HOW THE JOB IS GOING, INCLUDING THE TRAGEDY OF RECEIVING YUKON GOLD POTATOES INSTEAD OF RUSSETS.]

BBE BETA: Yukon Gold potatoes taste great mashed with butter and sour cream. I checked.

[SAM AND DANIEL ASK ABOUT THE RUSSIAN OFFICER, AND JACK SAYS HE'D HAVE TO PROVE HIMSELF BEFORE HE'D BE ALLOWED OFFWORLD. EVEN THOUGH HE'S ONE OF THE MOST HIGHLY DECORATED OFFICERS IN THE RUSSIAN MILITARY *AND* THE RUSSIANS ARE PRESSURING TO HAVE HIM ON THE TEAM. JACK SAYS HE DOESN'T HAVE ANYONE ELSE IN MIND FOR THE POSITION.]

SAM: There's nothing in the regulations that says an SG team has to be made up of four people.

NOT EXACTLY JONAS' FAN CLUB: So how in the hell did we end up with a season of Jonas? Can someone explain how *that* happened?

WRITERS: They were trying to keep a Russian off of SG-1. Um, back then, not just now.

NOT EXACTLY JONAS' FAN CLUB: Why would the Russians accept Jonas, an alien, instead of pushing for one of their own?

WRITERS: Um... he was neutral?

NOT EXACTLY JONAS' FAN CLUB: That's certainly one word for it.

WRITERS: Besides, *everyone* was supposed to love Jonas! He's new, and fresh, and new and fresh.

NOT EXACTLY JONAS' FAN CLUB: Sounds like a toilet bowl cleaner. Or a feminine hygiene product.

INT. SGC VASELOV'S QUARTERS

[VASELOV IS PRIMPING IN FRONT OF A MIRROR AND PULLS UP HIS SLEEVE. HIS ARM IS COVERED IN LESIONS. THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR; IT'S DANIEL, GREETING THE NEW GUY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.]

VASELOV: That's very kind of you. I only wish others were as open to my presence here.

SLASHERS: Open? As in opening a closet door?

DANIEL: Yeah, don't take General O'Neill's decision personally.

VASELOV: It's difficult not to. Frankly, his attitude is offensive. It leads me to wonder if he knows the Cold War is over.

DANIEL: Yeah, his attitude has nothing to do with you being Russian. He's an equal opportunity offender.

VASELOV: And I am supposed to find this comforting?

AUDIENCE: Wuss. We've been coping for years now.

[VASELOV REMINDS HIM THEIR COUNTRIES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE PARTNERS IN THE STARGATE PROGRAM. DANIEL SAYS HE KNOWS, HE HELPED BROKER THE DEAL.]

AUDIENCE: Continuity? [gobsmacked]

DANIEL FANS: Especially one recalling something Daniel did? [gobsmacked]

[HE TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT JACK HAS A LOT GOING ON RIGHT NOW SINCE HE JUST TOOK OVER COMMAND OF THE BASE, AND MAKING DEMANDS ON HIM RIGHT NOW IS BAD TIMING. VASELOV SUDDENLY APPEARS ILL AND COLLAPSES.]

INT. INFIRMARY

[VASELOV IS BROUGHT IN, CLOSELY FOLLOWED BY DANIEL. A NEW FEMALE DOCTOR, BRIGHTMAN, TELLS DANIEL TO GO AHEAD AND LEAVE, SINCE HE'S SCHEDULED TO GO OFFWORLD.]

JANET FANS: He's just been exposed to God only knows what, and you're allowing him to go offworld? *Janet* never would have done that.

WRITERS: She's dead. Deal.

AUDIENCE: Nobody dies in sci fi!

WRITERS: We're supposed to be writing sci fi? We didn't get the memo.

SCI FI CHANNEL EXEC: We sent it, we *know* we sent it.

WRITERS: The only memos we've received are from Comedy Central and Soap Net. [...] Hey wait, these weren't addressed to us! [hides memos] Um. Nevermind.

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[WE GET A VIEW OF THE CORRIDOR, PERSONNEL, ETC. VIA WONKYVISION.]

INT. INFIRMARY OBSERVATION ROOM

[JACK TALKS TO BRIGHTMAN ABOUT VASELOV. THE DOCTOR SAYS HE'S CONFUSED, AND THE LAST THING HE REMEMBERS WAS BEING IN RUSSIA. HE'S GOT LESIONS OVER 40% OF HIS BODY AND AN ELEVATED WHITE BLOOD COUNT.]

JACK: Is he contagious?

BRIGHTMAN: It's a distinct possibility. Sir, we need to examine everyone who's been in contact with this man.

JANET FANS: We hate to say "We told you so." But we did. [thpth]

INT. GATE ROOM

[THE STARGATE OPENS, BUT IS QUICKLY SHUT DOWN. JACK IS IN THE CONTROL ROOM, AND TELLS DANIEL TO REPORT BACK TO THE INFIRMARY. DANIEL GRABS ONE OF THE SG TEAM MEMBERS AROUND THE THROAT AND PUTS A GUN TO HIS SIDE, DEMANDING THE GATE BE OPENED. JACK GRABS A WEAPON AND HEADS DOWN TO THE GATE ROOM. DANIEL SHOOTS BOTH SFS AS JACK APPEARS IN THE DOORWAY. TEAL'C APPEARS IN THE OTHER DOORWAY, AND ZATS DANIEL. HE COLLAPSES, BUT QUICKLY RECOVERS ENOUGH TO GO AFTER HIS WEAPON.]

JACK: Daniel!

[DANIEL AIMS AT JACK, BUT JACK FIRES FIRST.]

DANIEL WHUMPERS: Oh, we're so going to like this ep, aren't we?

H/C FANS: Only if we get some comfort for all this hurt.

SLASHERS: We like how you think.

INT. INFIRMARY OBSERVATION ROOM

[BRIGHTMAN, TEAL'C, JACK AND SAM ARE LOOKING DOWN AT DANIEL, WHO'S IN AN INFIRMARY BED, STILL UNCONSCIOUS. BRIGHTMAN SAYS HE'S NOT IN ANY IMMEDIATE DANGER.]

JANET FANS: But what the hell does *she* know? She's already screwed up once.

[APPARENTLY NO ONE ELSE NOTICED DANIEL ACTING STRANGELY. SAM ASKS JACK IF SHE NOTICED ANYTHING PECULIAR ABOUT HIM.]

JACK: I thought it odd he was shooting up the Gate room.

SLASHERS: Let the record note that even *Sam* knew to ask Jack about Daniel's behavior.

[THEY WONDER IF VASELOV'S CONDITION HAS AFFECTED DANIEL, EVEN THOUGH HE DOESN'T HAVE THE SAME SYMPTOMS YET. BRIGHTMAN SAYS IT'S PROBABLY NOT A COINCIDENCE, THERE'S PROBABLY A CONTAGION ON BASE.]

INT. CONTROL ROOM

[JACK ORDERS THE SGC INTO LOCKDOWN, AND ALL OFFWORLD TEAMS ARE TO BE REDIRECTED TO THE ALPHA SITE.]

INT. CORRIDOR

[SAM ASKS BRIGHTMAN ABOUT DANIEL AND VASELOV. DANIEL'S STILL UNCONSCIOUS, BUT OTHERWISE OK. VASELOV IS NOT SO GOOD. BRIGHTMAN HAS CONTACTED THE RUSSIANS ABOUT POSSIBLE SOURCES OF INFECTION ON THEIR END.]

INT. INFIRMARY

[VASELOV IS TALKING TO TEAL'C, WHO IS IN THE OBSERVATION ROOM. VASELOV ASKS HOW DANIEL IS DOING.]

VASELOV: Doctor Jackson is good friend of yours, yes?

TEAL'C: Indeed he is. Despite what you are thinking you bear no responsibility for what has transpired.

D/T FRIENDSHIPPERS AND SLASHERS: Squee!

[VASELOV SAYS HE'S GETTING GLIMPSES OF THE PAST FEW DAYS, BUT IT SEEMS LIKE HE'S AN OBSERVER IN HIS OWN BODY.]

INT. BRIGHTMAN'S OFFICE

BRIGHTMAN: One month ago Anatoli Constantinov fell ill after completing a tour on the International Space Station.

SAM: I remember. We monitored the mission, we lost contact for almost thirty seconds and we never figured out why.

BRIGHTMAN: Well, I don't know if they're connected but he died less than a week later in a Moscow hospital. Now, officially, the cause of death was renal failure but unofficially the Russian authorities haven't a clue what killed him.

JANET FANS: Janet would have figured it out.

[BRIGHTMAN THINKS IT'S THEIR MYSTERY DISEASE, SINCE VASELOV VISITED CONSTANTINOV IN THE HOSPITAL JUST BEFORE HE DIED. THE RUSSIANS DIDN'T THINK HIS CONDITION WAS CONTAGIOUS, SINCE HE WAS AROUND MANY OTHERS AFTER HE RETURNED TO EARTH, BUT NO ONE ELSE HAS BEEN INFECTED. TEAL'C MENTIONS VASELOV SAYING HE FELT LIKE HE WAS AN OBSERVER IN HIS OWN BODY, SO MAYBE IT'S ANOTHER FORM OF ALIEN POSSESSION. THE PHONE RINGS, AND BRIGHTMAN PASSES ON THE MESSAGE THAT DANIEL'S AWAKE.]

DANIEL FANS: We hope they remember to bring him some coffee. He'll be cranky when he wakes up.

INT. INFIRMARY

[BRIGHTMAN, SAM AND TEAL'C ENTER. JACK'S NOT TOO FAR BEHIND. DANIEL'S SITTING ON THE BED, ARM IN A SLING.]

DANIEL: Can someone please tell me what the hell is going on?

DANIEL FANS: Yep, coffee might help.

BRIGHTMAN: You're recovering from a gunshot wound.

DANIEL: What?

TEAL'C: You have no recollection of the incident?

DANIEL: No! Who shot me?

JACK: Don't... change the subject. What do you remember?

AUDIENCE: Nice save, Jack.

DANIEL: I went to see Colonel Vaselov, and right in the middle of our conversation he collapsed... and... I went to help him, and... that's it.

SAM: You don't remember accompanying him to the infirmary?

DANIEL: No! Who shot me?

[SAM AND TEAL'C NOT-SO-SUBTLY LOOK AT JACK.]

JACK: You were shooting up the Gate room.

SLASHERS: Jack's going to be sleeping on the couch, iddn't he?

[SAM TELLS HIM HE WOUNDED TO GUARDS AND EXPLAINS THEY THINK THERE'S SOME SORT OF ALIEN ENTITY INVOLVED. DANIEL HAS A FLASHBACK TO THE SCENE IN THE GATE ROOM.]

DANIEL: It was Anubis.

AUDIENCE: Wow, did anyone see that Logic Cliff coming?

DANIEL: Or rather, Anubis was controlling me.

JACK: Anubis is dead.

DANIEL: No, he's not. And he's here in the base.

AUDIENCE: Quick! Look for any laundry piles with a 'tude! Spray them liberally with Snuggle Fabric Softener.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[JACK, SAM AND TEAL'C DISCUSS ANUBIS' APPARENT RESURRECTION. SUMMARY: NUBY AIN'T GOT NO BODY, SO HE HITCHED A RIDE TO EARTH IN A COSMONAUT, EVENTUALLY PASSING ON TO VASELOV, THEN DANIEL.]

JACK: Why doesn't he just use his freaky, super cosmic powers and just... go?

TEAL'C: Doing so would alert the Ancients, and only serve to bring down their wrath upon him.

AUDIENCE: They haven't exactly shown much interest in dealing with him before. They were willing to let all of Abydos be destroyed instead of stopping him, or even letting Daniel try to stop him.

[TO AVOID THE ANCIENT VERSION OF THE SWAT TEAM, NUBY NEEDS A BODY TO GO THROUGH THE GATE. BUT DON'T WORRY, SAM'S GOT HERSELF A PLAN.]

SNIT: Oh, geeze.

INT. INFIRMARY

[SAM BRINGS DANIEL A BOOK TO READ.]

S/D SHIPPERS: Ain't that soooo sweet?

S/D FRIENDSHIPPERS: They're just like siblings.

S/D SHIPPERS: Ew, no, *so* not incestuous.

[SAM TELLS DANIEL THAT JACK HAS ORDERED PHYSICALS FOR ALL PERSONNEL, TO SEE IF ANYONE IS SHOWING SYMPTOMS OF NUBY INFECTION. DANIEL'S RECOVERING, BUT VASELOV WAS EXPOSED LONGER AND HIS ENTIRE IMMUNE SYSTEM IS CRAP. THE ONLY THING THEY CAN DO IS MANAGE HIS PAIN.]

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[WONKYVISION]

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

[JACK'S ON THE PHONE WITH THE PENTAGON, WHO ARE RATHER ANTSY ABOUT THE LOCKDOWN AND THE REASON FOR IT. BRIGHTMAN ARRIVES AND REPORTS THAT VASELOV HAS A WEEK, MAYBE TWO.]

AUDIENCE: We *know* that doesn't mean Vaselov dies nobly to save the SGC at the end of the episode. That would be SUCH a clich».

WRITERS: [...]

INT. INFIRMARY

[VASELOV WAKES UP AND DANIEL'S STANDING BY HIS BED.]

DANIEL: Oh, Alexi, sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you.

SLASHERS: First name basis, eh? Too bad he's going to die. We sense great potential.

[VASELOV ASKS DANIEL TO DELIVER A LETTER TO HIS SISTER ONCE THE LOCKDOWN IS OVER. HE SAYS THE NURSES HAVE BEEN CAREFUL NOT TO SAY ANYTHING, WHICH IS ALWAYS A BAD SIGN. VASELOV AND DANIEL EXCHANGE RUSSIAN SAYINGS, ONCE AGAIN LEAVING THE SLASHERS LAMENTING VASELOV'S IMPENDING DEATH. DANIEL HAS A FLASHBACK TO WHEN HE WAS BEING TAKEN TO THE INFIRMARY, AND REMEMBERS NUBY MOVING INTO A NURSE, LT. EVANS.]

INT. SGC CORRIDOR OUTSIDE INFIRMARY

[EVANS COMES OUT OF THE INFIRMARY CARRYING A TRAY OF FOOD, AND SOON HAS THREE SF'S POINTING GUNS AT HER. SHE DROPS THE TRAY AND PUTS HER HANDS UP.]

EVANS: Hey guys, chill out! It's not like *I* cooked it. Blame the commissary staff.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM

[SAM IS QUESTIONING EVANS, BUT SHE SAYS DR. BRIGHTMAN EXAMINED HER A FEW HOURS AGO AND SHE GOT AN ALL CLEAR. WHEN SAM ASKS ABOUT WHAT SHE DID TUESDAY AFTERNOON, EVANS CAN'T REMEMBER.]

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM OBSERVATION

[JACK'S BEEN WATCHING THE INTERROGATION, AND TEAL'C JOINS HIM TO TELL HIM AN AIRMAN HAS MISSED HIS APPOINTMENT IN THE INFIRMARY AND CAN'T BE FOUND.]

INT. SGC CORRIDORS

[SECURITY IS HUNTING NUBY. BE VERY, VERY QUIET. THE MISSING AIRMAN ATTACKS AN SF THAT'S ALONE AND TAKES HIS WEAPON.]

AUDIENCE: Can someone check to see if his undershirt is red? Or maybe if he brain was attached as he was walking around by himself? Hasn't he heard of the Buddy System?

LATER...

[MORE SECURITY ARRIVES TO HELP THE DUMBASS WHO GOT JUMPED BY THE NUBY DRIVEN AIRMAN.]

KEARNEY (INTO RADIO): This is Major Kearney. I've got a wounded man here, claims he was jumped by Airman McCaffrey. We think he's headed for the control room. Advise caution, General. The target is armed.

AUDIENCE: Hey, is that... It is! Young Hammond! And he's a hottie!

KEARNEY: [gulp]

JACK: You get used to it.

KEARNEY: That's what you said *last* time.

JACK: Shh! Ixnay on last time. Don't want to upset Dan... er... anyone.

INT. SGC YET ANOTHER CORRIDOR

[THE NUBY DRIVEN AIRMAN SHOOTS AN SF AND GOES UP TO THE CONTROL ROOM, PUTTING THE GUN TO THE TECHNICIAN'S HEAD.]

INT. CONTROL ROOM

[JACK, SAM AND TEAL'C FOLLOW THE AIRMAN, FINDING HIM HOLDING A GUN TO THE TECH, AFTER ORDERING HIM TO DIAL THE GATE. JACK ZATS THE AIRMAN AND NUBY GOES ALL VAPORISH AND LEAVES THROUGH A WALL.]

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

[DANIEL ENTERS.]

JACK: You're not supposed to be walking around.

DANIEL: It's my arm.

[DANIEL SITS DOWN.]

JACK: You were shot.

DANIEL: I know, you shot me.

JACK: Not the point.

H/C FANS: Missing scene!

SLASHERS: We second the motion!

[DANIEL SAYS THEY CAN'T KILL OR CATCH NUBY, SO THEY SHOULD LET THE ANCIENTS DEAL WITH HIM.]

JACK: Yes. Because they've always been so helpful.

AUDIENCE: Ditto!

[DANIEL SAYS IF HE USES HIS ASCENDED POWERS, HE'S BREAKING THE RULES AND THEY WILL TAKE ACTION.]

AUDIENCE: Um, did someone forget the whole Big Bad of the Universe gig he had going on? Or that he blew up Abydos? Was that not in the rule book?

WRITERS: Oh, but he was only using conventional weapons, sorta, not Ascended Glowy Powers (tm). Abydos? Never heard of it.

AUDIENCE: [bangs heads on table and packs up Stargate movie DVDs to send to Bridge]

[DANIEL GRIMACES AND RUBS HIS INJURED ARM.]

H/C FANS: Aw! He needs comfort! *We* need comfort!

DANIEL: We just have to take away his other options.

JACK: Uh huh. I assume you have a plan?

SLASHERS: We can help with that.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[DANIEL AND SAM PRESENT A PLAN TO DIVIDE THE SGC INTO THREE ZONES, AND NUBY WON'T BE ABLE TO GET TO THE GATE AND ACTIVATE IT WITHOUT HAVING ACCESS TO ALL THREE ZONES. THE HOPE IS IT WILL FORCE NUBY TO LEAVE ANOTHER WAY, DRAWING THE ATTENTION OF THE ANCIENTS.]

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

[JACK'S USING THE RED PHONE WHEN TEAL'C ENTERS.]

JACK: (to Teal'c, whispering, hand over receiver) It's the President. (into phone) Well, yes sir, of course I understand the importance of the program, but I would be... I understand sir... Hello?

[JACK HANGS UP.]

JACK: I've got twenty-four hours to re-establish normal gate operations.

INT. SGC

[JACK MAKES AN ANNOUNCEMENT OVER THE PA, SAYING THE PRESIDENT HAS AUTHORIZED THE LOCKDOWN TO CONTINUE INDEFINITELY.]

AUDIENCE: The President didn't do that... hey, wait, is Jack trying to be smart? It's been so long, we're not sure.

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[WE GET A VIEW OF THE CORRIDOR, PERSONNEL, ETC. VIA WONKYVISION.]

INT. SECURE COMPUTER ROOM

[SAM ENTERS THE ROOM, WORKS ON A COMPUTER, THEN PULLS OUT A ZAT AND SHOOTS THE TWO GUARDS, CONTINUES HER TYPING, THEN SHE LEAVES THE ROOM.]

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[SAM WALKS UP TO DANIEL.]

DANIEL: Hey, Sam.

[SAM ZATS DANIEL.]

DANIEL: Aaaah!

DANIEL FANS: Aaaah!

H/C FANS: Aaaah!

S/D SHIPPERS: Did you notice he was carrying around the book she brought him earlier? [sigh] [...] Um, oh... Aaaah!

[SAM HAS ENTERED AN OVERRIDE ON THE COMPUTER SYSTEM, AND CONTINUES ZATTING GUARDS ON THE WAY TO THE GATE ROOM. DANIEL WAKES UP AND GOES INTO THE OPEN COMPUTER ROOM. MEANWHILE, SAM IS WORKING IN A POWER SUPPLY ROOM, AND THE POWER GOES OUT.]

INT. SGC NOT-SO-SECURE COMPUTER ROOM

[THE TWO GUARDS SAM ZATTED WAKE UP AS DANIEL ENTERS AND SEES THE COUNTDOWN ON A COMPUTER SCREEN, AS WELL AS SAM ON ONE OF THE MONITORS, WALKING THROUGH AN OPENING BLAST DOOR. DANIEL CONTACTS TEAL'C ON THE RADIO, SAYING NUBY HAS SAM, AND IS HEADING TEAL'C'S WAY.]

INT. SGC CORRIDORS

[ALARMS SOUND, WHILE SECURITY TEAMS ARE RUNNING AROUND LIKE CHICKENS WITH THEIR HEADS CUT OFF. SAM IS STILL ZATTING PEOPLE, BUT IS STOPPED WHEN JACK ZATS HER, AND WE SEE NUBY LEAVING HER BODY.]

INT. SGC NOT-SO-SECURE COMPUTER ROOM

[DANIEL CONTACTS JACK VIA RADIO, TELLING HIM THAT ANUBIS HAS TAMPERED WITH THE SECURITY SYSTEM.]

INT. SGC CORRIDORS

[KEARNEY AND OTHER PERSONNEL ARRIVE, AND JACK TELLS THE OTHERS TO KEEP AN EYE ON THE MEN DOWN, WHILE KEARNEY IS TO GO WITH HIM.]

INT. SGC SELF-DESTRUCT CONTROL ROOM

[JACK ORDERS KEARNEY TO USE HIS KEY. HE FINALLY DOES, AND A FIVE MINUTE COUNTDOWN BEGINS.]

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[SAM IS BEING ESCORTED BY SECURITY, BUT WHEN THE SELF-DESTRUCT COUNTDOWN BEGINS, SHE ELBOWS THE GUARD BEHIND HER AND RUNS LIKE A RABBIT.]

S/J SHIPPERS: No, no, no! She's supposed to be making like a bunny with Jack!

INT. SGC SELF-DESTRUCT CONTROL ROOM

JACK: You did good, son.

[JACK ZATS KEARNEY AND LEAVES THE ROOM WITH KEARNEY'S WEAPON.]

INT. SGC INFIRMARY

[VASELOV HEARS THE COUNTDOWN, AND GETS OUT OF BED.]

AUDIENCE: Pretty spry, for a dead man walking.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

[SAM ENTERS, AND TEAL'C POINTS A ZAT AT HER. SHE SAYS SHE NEEDS ACCESS TO THE COMPUTER TO SHUT DOWN THE SELF-DESTRUCT, BUT TEAL'C DOESN'T BELIEVE HER AT FIRST. HE FINALLY LETS HER USE A COMPUTER, AND THE COUNTDOWN STOPS AT TWO MINUTES, TWENTY-FOUR SECONDS.]

AUDIENCE: At least they didn't go for the clich» of getting it down to two seconds.

TEAL'C: Well done.

S/T SHIPPERS: And we had a moment.

NOROMOS: Really?

S/T SHIPPERS: We take what scraps we can find, dammit.

[SOMEONE INITIATES A REMOTE DIALING SEQUENCE. SAM IS GOING TO TRY TO OVERRIDE IT, AS JACK ENTERS THE GATE ROOM, WAITING FOR THE WORMHOLE TO ESTABLISH.]

INT. GATE ROOM

[JACKS IN THE ROOM BEFORE THE GATE OPENS, BUT BEFORE HE CAN GO THROUGH, VASELOV RUNS IN AND TACKLES HIM, TAKING HIS GUN AND POINTING IT AT JACK.]

VASELOV: You need a body to go through the Gate. Take mine. Take mine or I'll kill us both.

[NUBY LEAVES JACK AND ENTERS VASELOV. JACK COLLAPSES, WHILE VASELOV ENTERS THE GATE.]

INT. GATE ROOM

[SAM AND TEAL'C ENTER THE GATE ROOM AS JACK IS WAKING UP.]

SAM: General!

JACK: I'm okay. Ish.

S/J SHIPPERS: It's love!

NOROMOS: [eye roll]

[SAM AND TEAL'C HELP JACK SIT UP. THEY ALL LOOK AT THE GATE.]

JACK: He got through, didn't he?

SAM: Sort of. I was able to override the established dialing sequence and input an alternate address. I sent him to KS7-535 instead.

JACK: Chilly.

EXT. KS7-535

[VASELOV IS KNEELING IN THE SNOW, CLOSE TO THE STARGATE. HE IS FROZEN TO THE GROUND.]

VASELOV: It's not so bad. Warmer than Siberian winter. Too bad I didn't bring my swim trunks.

FADE OUT

END CREDITS

DANIEL WHUMPERS: Zatted by Teal'c. Shot by Jack. Zatted by Sam.

TEAM FANS: That wasn't exactly the sort of team episode we were hoping for.

DANIEL WHUMPERS: [warm fuzzies] Anyone got a cigarette?

ORGY FANS: We do, but we're saving them for after the sort of team episode we've been hoping for. We think we're going to be waiting a looooong time.

TEAL'C FANS: Teal'c wuz robbed! Nuby went through Daniel, Sam and Jack, but not Teal'c!

AUDIENCE: There, there. Take it this way -- Teal'c was too good for Nuby to be able to take him over.

TEAL'C FANS: [sniff] Thanks! We're good now.

NEXT WEEK, ZERO HOUR, IN WHICH GENERAL JACK GETS TO WORK AND HOMAGES M*A*S*H WITH CHEVRON GUY.

AUDIENCES: Is there anything *new* in the episode?

WRITERS: There's a new male character named Gilmor.

SNIT: Male? Does that mean he's going to automatically fall for Miss National Treasure?

NOROMOS: Oh, surely they won't trot out the "every guy falls for Sam" thing *again.*

SLASHERS: Yeah, let's have something different for a change. Let's have him fall for one of the guys.

NOROMOS: Oh, please, no.

WRITERS: You don't have any worries on *that* front.

NOROMOS: But on so many others… [sigh]