8.05 Icon: The Breadbox Edition

INT. A BEDROOM

[A WOUNDED DANIEL IS LYING ON A BED, WITH BANDAGES WRAPPED OVER HIS EYES. A WOMAN, LEDA, IS PREPARING TO REMOVE THE BANDAGES.]

DANIEL FANS: Dayum! Nipplage! [thud]

BDSMERS: Blindfold! [slurp]

H/C FANS: Whumpage! [pant]

SLASHERS: But Jack's gonna be jealoooooouuuuuuuus. [cackle]

NOROMOS: This is going to be a long evening, isn't it? [sigh]

S/J SHIPPERS: Preach it. [fume] At least there are snacks.

[AS SHE BEGINS TO REMOVE THE BANDAGES, DANIEL TOUCHES HER HAND TO STOP HER.]

DANIEL: Wait.

DANIEL FANS: The. Voice. [thud]

NOROMOS: We have a feeling the Daniel Fans are going to have a lot of bruises before this is over.

[SHE FINISHES REMOVING THE BANDAGES.]

LEDA: Give your vision a moment to adjust. You haven't used it for a while. How's that?

DANIEL FANS: It's a fine view for us, that's for damn sure.

AUDIENCE: What is this, The English Patient?

LEDA: Your eyes. It's nice to finally see them.

DANIEL FANS: The woman has good taste. And one *hell* of a job if there's been any sponge baths involved.

[DANIEL ASKS WHERE HE IS. LEDA TELLS THEM THEY'RE IN A HOUSE THAT BELONGED TO HER UNCLE, FAR FROM THE CITY, AND THEY'RE SAFE THERE. DANIEL REMEMBERS BEING IN THE CITY, AND THAT MANY PEOPLE DIED.]

DANIEL: It's our fault, isn't it? None of this would have happened if we hadn't come here.

LEDA: You're alive, and considering what you've been through, that alone is a miracle.

AUDIENCE: Not really answering his question, are you?

OPENING CREDITS

INT. MUSEUM, THREE MONTHS AGO

[A GUIDE IS SPEAKING TO A TOUR GROUP ABOUT THE GREAT RING OF AVIDAN, AKA THE STARGATE, AS HE LEADS THEM TO AN OUTSIDE SECTION TO THE GATE.]

GUIDE: Researchers estimate the ring to be at least several thousand years old. And, while its origin remains a subject of debate, many believe it was created by ancient worshippers to honor their gods. It's thought that the peculiar symbols on the Ring itself represent the names of the gods, however no one has been able to decipher...

[THE GATE'S RING SPINS AND THE CHEVRONS BEGIN TO LIGHT UP.]

AUDIENCE: Lookit that. Their ring spins like the one on Earth, instead of just the chevrons lighting up.

WRITERS: You pay way too much attention to that sort of thing.

AUDIENCE: And you don't. [thpth]

GUIDE: ...exactly what they mean.

[THE WORMHOLE APPEARS, ONE TOURISTS ASKS IF THIS IS PART OF THE TOUR. A MALP COMES THROUGH THE GATE. THE SCENE JUMPS FORWARD IN TIME TO SAM, DANIEL AND TEAL'C EXITING THE GATE TO MEET COMMANDER GARETH.]

GARETH: It is a pleasure to finally meet you all face to face. But please come; we have many questions, as I'm sure you do as well.

[THEY BEGIN TO WALK.]

SAM: Sorry about scaring the tourists. We've made first contact with a lot of planets, but this is the first time we've found ourselves coming out of a museum piece.

GARETH: One of our artifacts suddenly coming to life was a little surprising, but that pales in comparison to its purpose. It is almost beyond imagining.

KANE: As is the fact that you're human.

DANIEL: Well, believe it or not, there's actually a good reason for us being human.

AUDIENCE: And can you come up with a good reason for them all speaking English?

SAM: Which we'll get to in due time.

AUDIENCE: Short version -- cheap-ass special effects.

[THEY DISCUSS THE HISTORY OF THE GATE ON THIS WORLD. SOME PEOPLE ARE WEARING RING-SHAPED PENDANTS, BUT GARETH SAYS FOR SOME IT'S MORE FOR FASHION THAN FOR RELIGIOUS REASONS.]

AUDIENCE: Coming soon, to a vendor's table near you!

KANE: Our history tells of an age when all-powerful Gods ruled our world. The Great Ring was supposedly the source of their power.

GARETH: Of course, we know these are merely legends from our ancient past. However the activation of the Ring may well cause a stir amongst those few who still follow the old ways.

AUDIENCE: Our Foreshadowing Sense is tingling!

INT. BEDROOM IN LEDA'S HOUSE, PRESENT TIME

[LEDA IS USING A DAMP CLOTH TO WIPE DANIEL'S BROW, WAKING HIM.]

DANIEL FANS: Can we have her job? Pleaaaaaaaaase?

[LEDA GIVES HIM MEDICATION FOR THE PAIN, SAYING SHE WISHES SHE COULD GIVE HIM MORE, BUT IT'S IN SHORT SUPPLY.]

DANIEL FANS: And more nipplage! [thud]

LEDA: I'll leave you alone.

DANIEL: No. No, please... stay.

NEWLY MINTED DANIEL/LEDA SHIPPERS: Yes, yes, please stay.

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM, TWO MONTHS AGO

[DANIEL GIVES A BRIEFING TO JACK, SAM AND TEAL'C ABOUT THE WORLD THEY'VE VISITED, AND THE MAIN GOVERNMENTAL ELEMENTS. THE RAND PROTECTORATE, WHERE THE GATE IS LOCATED, AND THE CALEDONIAN FEDERATION, ARE LOCKED IN A COLD WAR. THERE'S ALSO A FUNDAMENTALIST GROUP LED BY A GUY NAMED SOREN. THEY BELIEVE ALL LIFE WAS CREATED BY THE ANCIENT GODS, AND THE GODS WILL RETURN SOMEDAY TO REWARD THEM, AND WHEN THE TEAM CAME THROUGH THE GATE, IT CONFIRMED THEIR BELIEFS.]

AUDIENCE: So, we've basically got the US versus the USSR, with a side of Islamic extremists as our plot points?

WRITERS: Cynical much?

AUDIENCE: Quite often, but we're getting rather tired of "alien" planets being just like post-WWII Earth.

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[DANIEL AND JACK ARE WALKING TOGETHER.]

SLASHERS: You mean the writers actually let them be alone in a scene? But gasp, someone might think they're gay!

WRITERS: They're not touching, it's cool.

SLASHERS: [rolls eyes] Grow. The Hell. Up.

[DANIEL WANTS TO GO BACK, BECAUSE HE FEELS THE SGC'S VISIT MADE THINGS WORSE.]

DANIEL: I could help them understand what they're facing, make them see it's not the end of the world. If we leave now, who knows what could happen?

[THEY STOP WALKING AND FACE EACH OTHER.]

SLASHERS: Oh. My. God.

DANIEL: We have to help them. You know that.

JACK: Regular contact, no exceptions. The second things start getting a little squirrelly...

[DANIEL NODS AND STARTS TO LEAVE.]

JACK: Daniel! [wags a finger in warning] Squirrelly.

DANIEL: [nodding] Squirrelly.

SLASHERS: Jack's worried about Daniel. Squee!

AUDIENCE: Is he off the hook if things get a LOT squirrelly?

INT. BEDROOM IN LEDA'S HOUSE

[LEDA ENTERS WITH A TRAY OF FOOD, FINDING DANIEL STANDING AT THE WINDOW, WITH HIS ARM IN A SLING.]

LEDA: You shouldn't be standing.

DANIEL: Oh, don't let appearances fool you. I still feel terrible.

DANIEL FANS: [confused] But he looks beautiful!

AUDIENCE: You always say that.

DANIEL FANS: [confused] He always does!

H/C FANS: [perk] He looks injured and... scruffy.

SCRUFF FANS: [thud]

[DANIEL BEGINS THANKING HER FOR TAKING CARE OF HIM, BUT SHE SAYS THAT AFTER EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED, CARING FOR HIM HELPED HER CARRY ON. DANIEL ASKS WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENED. HE REMEMBERS BEING IN A BUNKER, AND THEN AN ATTACKED, BUT THE REST IS A FOG. LEDA SAYS HER HUSBAND, JARED KANE, WILL BE BACK SOON AND CAN ANSWER HIS QUESTIONS. DANIEL SAYS HE'S GOT TO GET HOME, OR AT LEAST CONTACT THE SGC.]

LEDA: Trying to reach the Great Ring will be impossible. Rebel patrols have been sighted in the area. Even to leave the estate grounds would be dangerous. Not to mention the fact that you are far from healed. You must rest, Daniel.

DANIEL FANS: And have sponge baths, Daniel. Lots and lots of sponge baths.

DANIEL: Leda, what happened to Commander Gareth?

INT. GATE ROOM

[SAM AND TEAL'C ARRIVE AND REPORT TO JACK, WHO'S WAITING AT THE BASE OF THE RAMP. THEY MET WITH THE REBEL LEADER, SOREN, BUT THEY WERE ONLY ALLOWED TO SEE HIM FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES AFTER WAITING FOR HOURS.]

SAM: He's managed to unite all the fundamentalist factions in the Rand Protectorate, which effectively puts him in control.

TEAL'C: He was most unwilling to allow us a search for Daniel Jackson.

DANIEL FANS: Bastard!

TEAL'C FANS: And you didn't crush him like a beer can?

[SAM SAYS SOREN PROMISED TO "LOOK INTO THE MATTER" BUT WON'T GIVE THEM ACCESS TO SEARCH ON THEIR OWN, EVEN WITH A UAV. HE ALSO SAYS THEIR OWN RADIO COMMUNICATIONS ARE SUFFERING FROM INTERFERENCE. THERE'S NO WAY OF KNOWING IF DANIEL'S STILL ALIVE.]

SLASHERS: Jack would know. Trust us.

NOROMOS: [eyeroll]

SAM/DANIEL SHIPPERS: Or Sam.

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS [TO NOROMOS]: Time for more snacks?

NOROMOS: After y'all.

REST OF AUDIENCE: Now, that's just *creepy.* You're scaring the hell out of us.

INT. BUNKER COMPLEX, SIX WEEKS AGO

AUDIENCE: Do. You. Want. To. Play. A. Game?

WRITERS: Hey, Matthew Broderick ROCKED in that movie.

AUDIENCE: Unfortunately, it looks like Jack's channeling him from Ferris Bueller.

[DANIEL AND KANE ENTER THE BUNKER. THE RAND GOVERNMENT IS NOW AT THE SECOND HIGHEST LEVEL OF MILITARY ALERT, LEVEL CHARTREUSE OR SOMETHING. DOZENS OF CITIES HAVE FALLEN TO SOREN. NORMALLY, THIS WOULDN'T BRING ABOUT THIS SORT OF ALERT, BUT THEY ARE MATCHING THE CALEDONIANS STATE OF ALERT. THE CALEDONIANS ARE PISSED THEY HAVEN'T RECEIVED ACCESS TO THE GATE OR THE OFFWORLDERS, PLUS IF CONTROL OF THE PROTECTORATE FALLS TO SOREN, THEY'LL CONSIDER IT AN ACT OF WAR.]

INT. A STORAGE ROOM AT LEDA'S PLACE, PRESENT DAY

[DANIEL IS WEARING A BOMBER JACKET AND TRYING TO USE AN OLD-FASHIONED LOOKING RADIO SYSTEM TO CONTACT THE SGC.]

AUDIENCE: And again with the WWIIish tech. And the homages. Didn't Jodi Foster's character have a scene like this in "Contact?"

DANIEL FANS: Bomber jacket. Nummy.

AUDIENCE: [rolls eyes]

DANIEL FANS: What? We're shallow. We're very open about that fact.

[LEDA ARRIVES AND ASKS IF HE'S HAD ANY LUCK MAKING CONTACT. DANIEL SAYS SOMETHING'S JAMMING THE SIGNALS, BECAUSE NOTHING'S CLEAR ENOUGH TO RESPOND TO.]

AUDIENCE: [heh] She said "Contact."

WRITERS: Ho. Mage.

SLASHERS: [perk]

AUDIENCE: Is homage French for "lazy writing"?

THE FRENCH: Do not involve us in this sordidness.

LEDA: But you think your friends will be able to hear you?

DANIEL: Uh, yeah, that's kind of a timing thing. You see, if the Stargate's open they'll be able to pick up my signal. If your gate isn't buried in the rubble, or worse.

AUDIENCE: Please tell us we're not going to have a homage to "100 Days." They're getting desperate if they're homaging themselves.

[LEDA TELLS HIM HE NEEDS A BREAK, SO THEY GO FOR A WALK.]

EXT. A PATH IN THE WOODS

[LEDA ASKS HOW DANIEL CAN BE SURE THAT SOREN ISN'T RIGHT, THAT THE GODS THEY WORSHIP WON'T RETURN. DANIEL EXPLAINS THE SHORT VERSION OF WHAT THE GOA'ULD REALLY ARE, AND THAT SOREN WOULD CHANGE HIS TUNE IF HE ACTUALLY MET ONE.]

LEDA: There's hope, isn't there? You think what happened was your fault, don't you? From what you've told me, it was better that your people activated the Great Ring than the Goa'uld.

DANIEL: You think so? Because right now, I'm not so sure.

DANIEL WHUMPERS: Ooooh, angst. [slurp]

[LEDA TRIES TO REASSURE DANIEL THAT HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, AND THAT EVEN WHEN THE FIGHTING BEGAN, HE STAYED TO HELP THEM. THERE WERE PROBLEMS BETWEEN HER COUNTRY AND CALEDONIA FOR YEARS, SO IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME ANYWAY.]

INT. SGC CONTROL ROOM

[SAM AND CHEVRON GUY ARE WORKING TO TRY TO CONTACT DANIEL, BUT THE SIGNALS THEY'RE RECEIVING ARE UNINTELLIGIBLE. JACK ENTERS TO STAND BEHIND THEM.]

JACK: Anything?

SLASHERS: Ooooh, angst. [slurp]

DANIEL WHUMPERS: Hey, don't copy us!

SLASHERS: No offense, because we're often on the same side. At least we're not trying to write it off as a homage.

WRITERS: Hey!

[SAM SAYS THEY'VE HAD NO LUCK, AND SG-9 HASN'T HAD ANY LUCK IN THEIR NEGOTIATIONS WITH SOREN EITHER. JACK SAYS HE SHOULD MEET THEM HIMSELF.]

DANIEL FANS: No! He'll make it worse and they'll never find Daniel!

JACK FANS: He really hasn't been showing the Stupid!Jack! angle so much since the promotion.

DANIEL FANS: But ugly memories of Stupid!Jack! still linger.

JACK FANS: Word.

EXT. LEDA'S ESTATE

[DANIEL EXITS A BUILDING, AND A SOLDIER COMES UP BEHIND HIM AND PUSHES HIM AGAINST THE WALL AND HOLDS A PISTOL ON HIM.]

SLASHERS: Be very careful with your next move, because Jack can *really* hold a grudge. Not to mention Teal'c could obliterate you. Besides, it's not nice to tease the archeologist.

BDSMERS: Unless you have a safe word. And maybe that blindfold...

[KANE AND OTHER SOLDIERS COME OUT TO THE WOODS.]

INT. DINING ROOM OF LEDA'S HOUSE

[KANE, HIS SOLDIERS AND DANIEL ARE AT A TABLE EATING. KANE REPORTS THEY GOT AS CLOSE TO THE CAPITAL AS THEY COULD. SOREN HAS TROOPS OUT LOOKING FOR SURVIVORS, AND THOSE SUSPECTED OF REMAINING LOYAL TO THE OLD GOVERNMENT ARE EXECUTED ON THE SPOT. PEOPLE ARE TOO AFRAID TO FIGHT BACK, AND IT WILL ONLY BE A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE THEY PLEDGE LOYALTY TO SOREN.]

DANIEL: Kane, what the hell happened that night? I remember being in the bunker and then waking up here.

NEWLY MINTED DANIEL/KANE SLASHERS: Must have been one *hell* of a party. And he seems *really* happy to see Kane, doesn't he?

KANE: It was the end.

INT. BUNKER COMMAND AND CONTROL ROOM, FLASHBACK TIME

[REBELS HAVE SEIZED CONTROL OF ALL OF RAND'S MAJOR CITIES. THEY HAD TO MOVE THE STARGATE TO THE BUNKER FOR SAFETY. AFTER REBELS DETONATE A BOMB AT A RAND MISSILE FACILITY, THE CALEDONIANS LAUNCH A SURGICAL STRIKE ON RAND MISSILE SITES, AND TELL THE RAND TO SIT BACK AND TAKE IT, OR THEY'LL LAUNCH A FULL SCALE ATTACK.]

EXT. LEDA'S HOUSE

[KANE EXPLAINS THAT SOREN'S FORCES DID GAIN CONTROL OF A MISSILE SITE, AND LAUNCHED ON CALEDONIA, RESULTING IN MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF SHIT GOING BOOM. SOREN USED THE CHAOS TO MOVE ON THE BUNKER.]

AUDIENCE: [blink] The boom was... OFF-SCREEN?

WRITERS: We don't want to talk about it.

AUDIENCE: And you spent all that money recreating & crossing over the plots of The English Patient and War Games?

WRITERS: Really. We don't want. To talk. About it.

AUDIENCE: Oh yeah, a lot of the budget's been moved over to the new bright and shiny, eh?

ATLANTIS FANS: We've got a brand new gate that acts like a Vegas slot machine, *and* we get to go through it.

ATLANTIS GATE: [preen]

SGC GATE: Bitch.

DANIEL: Then how did you save me?

KANE: Actually, from what I understand, it was you who saved me.

DANIEL/KANE SLASHERS: We're feeling the love.

J/D SLASHERS: Kane won't be feeling much of anything if Jack has a minute alone with him.

SMUTTY SLASHERS: Jack and Kane? Alone? [perk] But maybe Jack could share?

INT. COMMAND AND CONTROL BUNKER, FLASHBACK

[KANE TRIES TO GET DANIEL TO THE GATE, BUT IT'S TOO LATE. KANE IS SHOT IN THE LEG BY REBELS, BUT DANIEL PULLS HIM OUT. KANE LEADS HIM TO AN EXIT THAT GETS THEM OUTSIDE, BUT A BOMB IS INCOMING. THEY BOTH HIT THE DECK, BUT THE DUST AND DEBRIS HIT DANIEL IN THE FACE.]

EXT. PATH NEAR LEDA'S ESTATE

[KANE SAYS LOYALIST SOLDIERS GOT THEM OUT OF THE CITY. GARETH WAS EXECUTED WHEN THE BUNKER FELL, AND THERE'S NO WAY TO GET BACK IN TO THE STARGATE.]

DANIEL/KANE SLASHERS: Time for a little comfort sex missing scene?

J/D SLASHERS, NOROMOS: No. Just, no.

INT. GATE ROOM

[SOREN COMES THROUGH THE GATE AND IS GREETED BY JACK, SAM AND TEAL'C.]

SOREN: General O'Neill, it is an honor. I greet you in the name of our great nation, Avidan.

SAM: You changed the name?

AUDIENCE: Because that worked *so* well for unifying Langeria, aka The Planet of the Idiots.

SOREN: Avidan speaks more to our people's beliefs.

TEAL'C: It is from an ancient Goa'uld dialect. It means 'the Gods are just'.

AUDIENCE: Can we *please* introduce this guy to a real Goa'uld? We vote for Ba'al, but mostly just because we want to see him again.

BA'AL FANS: [slurp]

AUDIENCE: Or maybe Camulus?

CAMULUS FANS: [massive slurp]

ANUBIS: [sulks] No respect, I tell you, no respect.

AUDIENCE: Face it, Nuby. Masses of dirty laundry are just Not Hot.

CONTINUITY GEEKS: [snicker] Quite chilly, in fact.

INT. LEDA'S HOUSE

[KANE AND DANIEL ARE DISCUSSING THE POSSIBILITY OF RETAKING THE BUNKER. KANE SAYS IT WOULD BE SUICIDE, BUT DANIEL SAYS IF HE CAN CONTACT THE SGC, THEY CAN HELP. KANE THINKS HE JUST WANTS TO GO HOME.]

DANIEL: This isn't about that. My people can help you.

KANE: Like you helped us before? I admire your passion Doctor Jackson, but too much has happened to fix with one heroic action. We have to accept the fact that Soren has won. Rand belongs to him now.

DANIEL/KANE SLASHERS: That man needs *serious* comfort sex.

J/D SLASHERS: He has a wife!

LEDA/DANIEL SHIPPERS: Um... about that? Damn the wedding ring! We want to see...

S/J SHIPPERS: [Glare of Doom] We've had to wait for years, so you can just get in line.

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[SOREN'S LOOKING THROUGH THE GATEROOM WINDOW.]

SOREN: It is obvious you revere the Great Ring as much as we do, General O'Neill.

JACK: Oh yeah, we love the old gal. Quite possibly for different reasons than you.

SILER'S WRENCH: Hor!

STARGATE: Skank!

AUDIENCE: We guess it's true, you always hurt the ones you love.

SGC CORRIDOR: [innocent whistling]

[SOREN SAYS HE'S JUST DEFENDING THEIR PEOPLE'S WAY OF LIFE. TEAL'C SAYS HE'S JUST KILLING THOSE WHO BELIEVE DIFFERENTLY.]

SOREN: You speak what is on your mind. I admire that.

JACK: Actually, in your case? He's holding back.

T/D SLASHERS: Teal'c misses Daniel, and will pummel this guy to get him back!

J/D SLASHERS: Jack misses Daniel, and will let Teal'c pummel this guy to get him back!

NOROMOS: We're perfectly fine with the pummeling idea.

[SAM TELLS SOREN THEY'LL GIVE HIM FOOD AND MEDICAL SUPPLIES IF HE'LL LET THEM LOOK FOR DANIEL.]

SOREN: You cannot truly believe that your friend is still alive?

JACK: Oh, he's a resourceful fella.

SLASHERS: [snicker] We'll bet.

[SOREN DECLINES THE OFFER, BUT IS INTERESTED IN WEAPONS.]

TEAL'C: Your people are facing starvation and disease.

AUDIENCE: US, USSR, religious fanatics, and now a round of North Korea wannabes? Topical much?

SOREN: What has happened to our world is most unfortunate and yet, vital. Those who refuse to believe needed to be purged from existence so that we could begin anew.

JACK: You know, in these parts, we like to call that "crimes against humanity."

SAM: If all you care about is spiritual salvation, what do you need the weapons for?

SOREN: The revolution is not yet complete.

AUDIENCE: It never is, is it? Sort of like the homages around here.

WRITERS: What. Ever.

AUDIENCE: Just don't ask the Smutters or Slashers what they're up to. Might give the pseudotelevangelist a heart attack. Hm. Wait. Tell him. Might at least be interesting.

SAM: You mean you want to take over Caledonia too.

SOREN: As I said, the revolution is not yet complete.

EXT. LEDA'S ESTATE

[LEDA IS HANGING SHEETS ON A LAUNDRY LINE, DANIEL WALKS UP TO TALK TO HER.]

DANIEL/LEDA SHIPPERS: We're having naughty thoughts about how the sheets got dirty.

SAM/DANIEL SHIPPERS: He's Sam's.

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: She's Jack's!

J/D SLASHERS: He's Daniel's!

DANIEL/LEDA SHIPPERS: We're only going by what we see.

NOROMOS: We don't *care* if the weigh-in is tomorrow. More snacks! And candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker!

[DANIEL TRIES TO CONVINCE LEDA TO TALK TO HER HUSBAND ABOUT REGAINING CONTROL OF THE COUNTRY. SHE SAYS SHE CAN'T, BECAUSE JARED'S RIGHT, AND THOSE THAT SURVIVED WILL DIE SOON ENOUGH THROUGH DISEASE OR SOREN'S PURGE, AND THERE IS NO FUTURE. SHE ASKS IF HE THINKS HIS PEOPLE CAN HELP, AND HE SAYS YES.]

LEDA: And what if you do overthrow Soren, what then? You simply leave? When Jared became part of Commander Gareth's inner circle, he changed; became remote, distant. I'd forgotten what it was like just to talk to someone. To feel.

DANIEL/LEDA SHIPPERS: And just *what* exactly did she "feel"? Hm?

[DANIEL REACHES UP TO TOUCH HER FACE, BUT SHE MOVES AWAY, AND HE PULLS HIS HAND BACK.]

DANIEL/LEDA SHIPPERS: [shiver]

LEDA: I'll speak to him, Daniel. But he won't hear me.

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

[JACK COMPLAINS TO SAM AND TEAL'C THAT MEETING WITH SOREN WAS A WASTE OF TIME.]

AUDIENCE: We second that.

[SAM THINKS SOREN IS STILL WILLING TO DEAL, BUT TEAL'C SAYS THE CHAOS HAS ONLY HELPED HIM, SO HE HAS NO REASON TO WANT TO DEAL.]

SAM: We're continuing to monitor countless radio signals coming from the planet. One of them could be from Daniel. If we can find a way to contact him...

[JACK PUTS HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS FOR A MOMENT, THEN LOOKS UP SUDDENLY.]

JACK: Find it!

J/D SLASHERS: Yeah, baybee, yeah!

INT. LEDA'S HOUSE

[KANE IS TELLING LEDA THAT FIGHTING BACK WILL ONLY WIPE OUT ANY CHANCE OF A UNIFIED RESISTANCE IN THE FUTURE. HE THINKS LEDA JUST WANTS TO DO THIS SO DANIEL CAN GO HOME.]

LEDA: It's not about that. It's about rebuilding our world. His friends can help us do that. Jared, our people need this.

KANE: You mean, he needs this. I'm not blind Leda. I know that you and Daniel have grown close during his convalescence.

LEDA: Jared, it's not what you think.

SLASHERS: Oh, no, definitely not.

[KANE SAYS IF HE COULD HAVE DONE THINGS DIFFERENTLY IN THE PAST, HE WOULD. HE WANTS TO KNOW IF SHE LOVES DANIEL.]

DANIEL/LEDA SHIPPERS: [bated breath]

LEDA: I trust him.

DANIEL/LEDA SHIPPERS: Close enough!

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[JACK AND TEAL'C ARE LISTENING TO SOREN'S PSEUDOTELEVANGELIST SHTICK (SAY THAT FIVE TIMES FAST).]

SOREN: Once order has been established, the people of Avidan will differently than before. Simply, humbly. Waiting for our gods' inevitable return.

JACK: You know, we've met these gods upon whom you're so hot, and trust me when I tell you, they're not what you think they are.

TEAL'C: They will reward your worship with enslavement.

SOREN: You are not the first to try to sway our beliefs. But I can assure you, our faith is unshakable.

TEAL'C: This is not about faith. This is about a means to power.

TEAL'C FANS: That's him. That's our guy. [beam]

SOREN: [squinty eyed look]

AUDIENCE: No onscreen booms, no expensively exotic alien set decor, lots of idle chatter, and y'all STILL couldn't pop for a Goa'uld guest star to put this guy in his place?

WRITERS: Still not wanting to talk about it.

INT. GATE ROOM

[SOREN AND HIS FOLLOWERS LEAVE. SAM'S IN THE CONTROL ROOM AND TELLS JACK HE NEEDS TO GET UP THERE.]

S/J SHIPPERS: In the control room? Naughty Sam!

NOROMOS: [rolls eyes]

INT. CONTROL ROOM

JACK: What?

SAM: Well, by implementing babble babble technobabble into our communications software...

JACK: Carter, Carter, Carter...

SNIT: Amen!

DANIEL (VIA THE RADIO): Hellooo. Guys?

SAM: We found him.

DANIEL FANS: 'Bout damn time.

JACK: Sweet.

SLASHERS: Isn't it?

SAM/DANIEL SHIPPERS: Yeah!

JACK (INTO MICROPHONE): Daniel?

DANIEL: Jack? Nice to hear your voice.

JACK: Likewise. You comin' home, or what?

SLASHERS: Squee!!!

DANIEL: Trying to. As soon as I find my kel'tesh.

SLASHERS: Is that a code word for a sex toy? If not, maybe it should be.

JACK: What?

DANIEL: Uuhhh, looks a lot like my ring'kal'noc. You know I lent it to you for the gel'kral'kree'nor day.

SLASHERS: Yep, sex toy code.

JACK (TO SAM AND TEAL'C): He's changed.

BDSMERS: You just keep telling people that and no one need ever know, Jack.

[SAM SAYS HE'S SPEAKING GOA'ULD, AND TEAL'C FURTHER EXPLAINS HE'S USING THE NAMES OF BATTLE STRATEGIES.]

AUDIENCE: After the better part of a decade since he first heard the language, Jack still doesn't recognize Goa'uld?

TEAL'C FANS: And he clearly never learned the battle tactics of the Jaffa, one of whom is his best friend and the rest, his most common enemies. Yes, this is the *ideal* leader in the fight against the Goa'uld.

ATLANTIS FANS: Dr. Weir speaks Ancient.

SG-1 FANS: Nobody cares.

ATLANTIS FANS: Actually, we don't either. We were just sayin', is all.

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[SAM AND TEAL'C EXPLAIN TO JACK THAT DANIEL SENT A CODED MESSAGE SUGGESTING A WAY TO RETAKE THE BUNKER. THEY MAKE CERTAIN TO USE SMALL WORDS, SO HE CAN UNDERSTAND IT. THEY'RE GOING TO GO THROUGH THE GATE AT THE SAME TIME THE RESISTANCE ENTERS THE BUNKER FROM THE SURFACE, ATTACKING SOREN FROM TWO SIDES. BOTH SAM AND JACK MAKE COMMENTS ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT TEAL'C'S TRANSLATIONS ARE CORRECT.]

TEAL'C: [mutter] It's not like I having been speaking the language since I was born, and I'm over 100 on top of that, you morons. "National Treasure" my ass.

TEAL'C FANS: Why yes, that *is* a National Treasure.

[JACK GIVES HIS APPROVAL.]

INT. PARLOR IN LEDA'S HOUSE

[DANIEL AND KANE ARE DISCUSSING THE ATTACK PLAN, WHEN LEDA RUSHES IN, SAYING A PATROL IS APPROACHING. KANE, DANIEL, AND THE REST OF THE MEN HIDE IN THE CELLAR. THEY LISTEN AS SOLDIERS QUESTION LEDA AND SEARCH THE HOUSE, THEN LEAVE.]

EXT. LEDA'S ESTATE

[THE SOLDIERS ARE PREPPING TO LEAVE TO ATTACK THE BUNKER. KANE GOES TO LEDA, WHO IS QUIETLY CRYING, HE TAKES HER HAND FOR A MOMENT BEFORE WALKING AWAY. DANIEL THEN WALKS UP TO HER.]

DANIEL: If this works...

LEDA: You'll be going home.

DANIEL: Leda, I...

LEDA: No. Go.

DANIEL/LEDA SHIPPERS: [sob]

[DANIEL SMILES AND NODS, THEN LEAVES, AS SHE WATCHES THEM LEAVE.]

NOROMOS: Geeze. Can't we do without romance for *once*? We can't show a woman on this show without her hormones ruling the events?

WRITERS: That's wimmen for ya. [snicker]

FEMALES IN THE AUDIENCE: [grr]

INT. TUNNELS UNDER THE CAPITAL CITY, WHICH IS NOW MOSTLY IN RUINS

[DANIEL, KANE AND THE OTHERS ARE GOING THROUGH TUNNELS, WEAPONS IN HAND.]

AUDIENCE: Gah. More running up and down corridors?

SGC CORRIDORS: I'm calling my agent!

INT. SGC GATE ROOM

[SAM AND TEAL'C TOSS TEAR GAS CANISTERS THROUGH THE OPEN GATE AT THE APPOINTED TIME.]

INT. BUNKER CONTROL CENTER

[SOREN GETS A REPORT THAT THINGS ARE GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL, EXPRESS ELEVATOR, BUT HE WON'T GIVE UP.]

INT. BUNKER CORRIDOR

[LOYALIST SOLDIERS AND THE SGC SOLDIERS EXCHANGE FIRE WITH THE REBELS. IF YOU THINK THEY DON'T WIN, YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING THE WRONG SHOW.]

INT. BUNKER CONTROL CENTER

[SOREN STILL WANTS TO GO OUT FIGHTING, AND UNLIKE MOST CULT LEADERS, HASN'T MIXED UP THE KOOL-AID WITH EXTRA SPECIAL INGREDIENTS.]

REBEL AIDE: Commander, we are hopelessly outnumbered.

[SOREN SHOOTS HER.]

AUDIENCE: Damn, talk about killing the messenger.

SOREN: We are all here for one purpose. To honor the will of our gods. In their names, we rose up. In their names, we purged the nonbelievers. And in their names, we will die if necessary. We will not dishonor them with cowardice. Now engage them.

REST OF THE REBELS: If you want to engage them so badly, *you* do it.

[SOREN GRABS A RIFLE AND GOES OUT TO MEET THE COMBINED FORCES OF THE SGC TEAMS AND THE LOYALISTS.]

AUDIENCE: Wow. He actually *did* do it. Now we *know* he's not based on any real world leaders.

WRITERS: It *is* science fiction.

AUDIENCE: Could have fooled us, since you seem to be writing Stargate: Sex in the Circle lately.

[SAM POINTS HER P-90 AT HIM, DEMANDING HE DROP HIS WEAPON. HE DOESN'T, BUT KANE SHOOTS HIM DEAD, DEAD, DEAD.]

KANE: It's over.

DANIEL: I hope so. You may have just made a martyr.

KANE: I had no choice. You can return to your world now.

NOROMOS: And getting him the hell away from your wife makes you no nevermind? Not that you're bitter or suspicious or anything.

DANIEL: Kane...

J/D SLASHERS: What he's trying to say is that he's already taken.

KANE: What happened to us was not your fault.

SAM/DANIEL SHIPPERS: No, because your wife is a...

DANIEL/LEDA SHIPPERS: [Glare of Doom]

DANIEL: I know. We made a promise, and we intend to keep it. We'll be back to help you rebuild.

[KANE LEAVES WITH HIS MEN, WHILE SAM ASKS DANIEL IF HE'S READY TO GO HOME.]

DANIEL FANS: Like, duh.

SLASHERS: Ditto.

[THEY JOIN TEAL'C AND LEAVE.]

FADE OUT

END CREDITS

NEXT WEEK, AVATAR, IN WHICH WE SEE SOMETHING NEVER BEFORE IMAGINED... WHUMPED TEAL'C.

TEAL'C FANS: [rubbing hands together in glee]

H/C FANS: Oh yeah, baybee, yeah.

BDSMERS: He's been chained up and whumped before.

YEAH, BUT THIS IS A DIFFERENT KETTLE OF WHUMP...OH, JUST BE THERE.