8.06 Avatar: The Breadbox Edition

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[ALERT SIGNALS ARE SOUNDING AND A SECURITY TEAM IS RUNNING THROUGH THE CORRIDOR.]

AUDIENCE: Hm. Enchilada night in the mess hall again? But are they running *to* or *from*?

[CHEVRON GUY SAYS OVER THE PA THAT ALL SECURITY TEAMS SHOULD REPORT TO THE GATE ROOM. TEAL'C IS IN THE CORRIDOR AS A TEAM RUNS PAST, AS THEY GO AROUND THE CORNER TO THE GATE ROOM, GUNFIRE IS HEARD. ANOTHER TEAM GOES BY, AND TEAL'C TAKES ONE OF THEIR WEAPONS AND JOINS IN THE FUN.]

INT. GATE ROOM

[TEAL'C AND THE OTHERS ENTER, AND ARE CONFRONTED BY A SUPER SOLDIER COMING DOWN THE RAMP.]

SUPER SOLDIER: I'm a model you know what I mean, and I do my little turn on the catwalk. Yeah on the catwalk, on the catwalk yeah, I shake my little tush on the catwalk.

[TEAL'C PROCEEDS TO SHOOT SHIT UP.]

SUPER SOLDIER: Hey, I'm busy doing my modeling for Codpieces R Us, quit shooting at me!

[A BRIGHT LIGHT SURROUNDS TEAL'C.]

INT. SGC LAB

[TEAL'C OPENS HIS EYES, AND WE SEE HE'S STRAPPED INTO A GAMEKEEPER CHAIR.]

AUDIENCE: Continuity! [faint]

BDSMERS: Do you have any in stock, and do you take Visa?

[DR. LEE IS STANDING BESIDE HIM, AND OTHER SCIENTISTS ARE IN THE ROOM TOO.]

SLASHERS: But we're currently focused on Teal'c and Lee. Lots of chemistry in Resurrection, ya know.

[SAM AND JACK ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF TEAL'C. JACK ASKS IF THE SIMULATION WAS FUN.]

TEAL'C: Indeed. You died well in battle, O'Neill.

O'NEILL: Obviously, there's something defective with this thing.

AUDIENCE: No, Teal'c was being generous, clownboy.

JACK FANS: Hey!

NOROMOS: Was that a broad grin on Carter's face at the news that Jack died in under 49 seconds? Feel the love!

TEAL'C: Agreed.

TEAL'C (TO LEE): An Anubis drone is a far more formidable warrior than this simulation would suggest.

[LEE IS SHOCKED. SO IS THE AUDIENCE, WHO'S WONDERING WHAT THEY'VE MISSED ABOUT THE KINGS OF THE CODPIECE.]

LEE: No, we've been working on this chair for two years, to make it a viable virtual reality training tool for SGC personnel.

TEAL'C: You have failed.

JACK: He's nothing if not honest.

TEAL'C FANS: And hot. Don't forget hot.

[JACK ASKS IF LEE COULD MAKE THE SIM MORE DIFFICULT.]

SMUTTERS: Jack asked for it to be harder. We heard him. We'd take it harder, too, if you get our drift.

LEE: Well... I mean, we can input the parameters for different scenarios, but babble, babble, technobabble. The programming is actually built by interfacing memories from the individual's consciousness with the chair's matrix.

JACK: Carter, all I heard was matrix, and I found those films quite confusing.

AUDIENCE: You would.

[SAM TRANSLATES FROM GEEK TO NORMAL ENGLISH, SAYING THE SIM LEARNS FROM THE PERSON USING IT. SINCE LEE AND HIS FELLOW SCIENTISTS ARE THE ONES WHO PROGRAMMED THE MACHINE, IT DOESN'T EXACTLY HAVE A LOT OF FIELD EXPERIENCE. LEE ASKS IF TEAL'C CAN COME OUT TO PLAY SOME MORE, AND TEACH THE GAME NEW TRICKS. TEAL'C (AND GENERAL JACK) AGREE.]

DANIEL FANS: Obviously, they should have engaged the skills of a scientist with field experience.

SAM FANS: Word.

WRITERS: Carter was busy and Daniel was... um, give us a second, we'll remember...

OPENING CREDITS

INT. SGC LAB

[SAM AND LEE HELP TEAL'C GET WIRED BACK INTO THE CHAIR.]

LEE: Now, there is a two second delay between the chair's processor and your perceived experience, but, umm... I mean, you shouldn't notice anything.

TEAL'C FANS: Hasn't worked with Teal'c very much, has he?

AUDIENCE: Or anyone else who's survived much hand-to-hand combat.

[LEE FURTHER TECHNOBABBLES THAT ONCE TEAL'C'S MIND IS INTERFACED WITH THE CHAIR, THEY CAN'T REMOVE THE CONNECTION WITHOUT ENDANGERING HIM. SAM ADDS THAT THE ALIENS OF P7J-989 ADDED IN A SHUT OFF COMMAND INTO THE PROGRAM, SO THE PERSON IN THE CHAIR CAN CONTROL IT. IF TEAL'C IS "KILLED" IN THE GAME, IT WILL RESET AND START AGAIN. THE GAME WILL END IF HE COMPLETES THE SCENARIO, OR GOES INTO THE ELEVATOR AND HEADS FOR THE SURFACE.]

SNIT: Thank you, Exposition Girl. At least we're being saved from the Eyes of Luv this time around.

T/S SHIPPERS: We wouldn't mind in this case.

T/D SLASHERS: We would.

J/D SLASHERS: [pitying look]

INT. SIM!SGC

AUDIENCE: Stargate: The Video Game, coming to a gaming system near you!

WRITERS: How'd you guess that?

AUDIENCE: Every sci fi franchise has to have a video game, right? We're only surprised the game features SG-1 instead of Atlantis, like the proposed action figures that every sci fi franchise also needs.

[THE SCENARIO TEAL'C PLAYED PREVIOUSLY BEGINS AGAIN, WITH A SUPER SOLDIER IN THE GATE ROOM. TEAL'C IS SHOT, AND THE GAME RESETS. BACK IN THE LAB, TEAL'C ACTS AS IF IT CAUSED HIM PAIN.]

H/C FANS: We've seen the hurt, now give us some comfort!

[LEE EXPLAINS THE CHAIR INDUCED A PAIN RESPONSE, BUT HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHY IT CAUSED TEAL'C ACTUAL PAIN. SAM EXPLAINS THAT TEAL'C WOULD KNOW YOU'D RESPOND DIFFERENTLY IF YOU KNEW YOU COULDN'T FEEL PAIN.]

BDSMERS: Who *doesn't* know that?

LEE: Well, fortunately, we limited the chair from being able to deliver any sort of *lethal* jolt.

AUDIENCE: Famous last words, geek boy.

INT. SIM!SGC

[THE SCENARIO IS RUNNING AGAIN. THIS TIME, TEAL'C HEADS TO THE CONTROL ROOM TO GET A WEAPON THERE, THEN GOES INTO THE GATE ROOM THROUGH ANOTHER DOOR, PASSING DEAD GUARDS ON THE WAY. TEAL'C FINDS SIM!JACK LYING AT THE BASE OF THE RAMP, SERIOUSLY INJURED. JACK TELLS HIM TO GET OUT, BUT A SUPER TROOPER ENTERS AND SHOOTS HIM IN THE BACK. THE GAME RESETS AGAIN.]

AUDIENCE: Later, rinse, repeat. Repeat, repeat, repeat. We get the idea.

INT. SGC LAB

[DANIEL AND SAM ARE WATCHING THE GAME ON THE MONITOR. DR. LEE IS CONCERNED ABOUT SOME OF TEAL'C'S READINGS, SO SAM CALLS DR. CARMICHAEL IN.]

JANET FANS: [sob]

FANFIC WRITERS: We got your backs!

INT. SIM!SGC

[TEAL'C ASKS SIM!SAM FOR HELP, AND TELLS HER SOME OF THE STUFF HE KNOWS IS HAPPENING BECAUSE HE'S PLAYED THE GAME BEFORE. SIM!SAM THINKS HE'S NUTS.]

SNIT: Going through the gate how many years, and still thinks anything is impossible. The woman never changes, even in simulations!

LATER...

[TEAL'C, SIM!SAM AND THE SIM!SECURITY TEAM (WOULDN'T THAT BE A COOL BAND NAME? SIM SAM AND THE SECURITY TEAM, LIVE AT THE SGC!) PLAN TO AMBUSH TWO SUPER SOLDIERS. THE PLAN HEADS SOUTH QUICKLY WHEN THE SUPER SOLDIERS ARE RESISTANT TO WEAPONS FIRE, AND TEAL'C IS KILLED AGAIN.]

DANIEL FANS: Teal'c's catching up to the Daniel Death Toll! But does it really count if it's death in a simulation?

AUDIENCE: Does it count for Ascension, since Daniel wasn't exactly dead?

DANIEL FANS: Point taken. And always remember, "No one really dies in Sci Fi."

FARSCAPE FANS: Unless you count your show.

FIREFLY FANS: Word.

INT. SGC LAB

[CARMICHAEL SAYS THE GAME IS CAUSING SPIKES IN TEAL'C'S ADRENALINE LEVEL, AND HIS BLOOD PRESSURE AND HEART RATE ARE WAY TOO HIGH. LEE, SAM AND DANIEL PONDER WHY THE AMBUSH DIDN'T WORK.]

LEE: Have you ever known a super soldier to be resistant to the weapon like that in reality?

SAM: No.

DANIEL: But it is possible, right? I mean, we've seen situations where the Goa'uld have adapted their technology to defend against something we've thrown at them.

LEE: Well, hopefully the game will also extrapolate possible solutions and offer them to Teal'c.

[DANIEL AND SAM SHARE A "IS HE FOR REAL" LOOK.]

LEE: Well, I mean, it'd just be fair.

AUDIENCE: Can we send him some DVDs, so he can catch up on the show?

MORE CYNICAL MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE: Can we send a set to the writers too?

INT. SIM!SGC

[TEAL'C. RUNNING. CORRIDORS. YADDA. YOU KNOW THE DRILL. THIS TIME, TEAL'C ASKS SIM!SAM HOW THE SUPER SOLDIERS COULD BE RESISTANT TO WEAPONS FIRE. SUPER!SIM!SAM HAS JUST THE THING TO SAVE THE DAY.]

SNIT: Of course.

INT. SIM!SGC, CARTER'S LAB

[WHILE TEAL'C AND SIM!SAM GET THE CHIP, PLACE IT IN THE WEAPON, AND KILL AN ATTACKING DRONE. THEN SIM!CHEVRON GUY ANNOUNCES ON THE PA THAT THE BASE AUTODESTRUCT HAS BEEN ACTIVATED.]

AUDIENCE: When it rains, it pours, doesn't it?

SUPERSOLDIER: Well, that'll show him for messing up my chances for a runway career!

INT. SIM!SGC

[TEAL'C AND SIM!SAM MEET UP WITH SIM!DANIEL IN THE CORRIDORS, HE TELLS THEM THEIR WEAPONS AREN'T WORKING, THEN TEAL'C USES HIS NEW WEAPON AND KILLS THE SUPER SOLDIERS.]

SIM!CHEVRON GUY OVER PA SYSTEM: Thirty seconds to detonation.

INT. SIM!SGC, CONTROL ROOM

[TEAL'C, SIM!SAM AND SIM!DANIEL RUN IN, AND MANAGE TO DEACTIVATE THE AUTODESTRUCT. TEAL'C THEN WONDERS WHY THE GAME HASN'T ENDED IF THE THREAT HAS BEEN ELIMINATED.]

AUDIENCE: How many DVDs sets does that make that we're sending out?

INT. SGC LAB

[LEE, DANIEL AND SAM ALSO WONDER WHY THE GAME HASN'T ENDED, SINCE IT REACHED ITS CONCLUSION. THE GAME ISN'T RESETTING TO THE BEGINNING EITHER.]

AUDIENCE: Maybe we can get a bulk discount.

LEE: He said he wanted it to be harder. More realistic.

SMUTTERS: Yes? And?

TREK FANS: Will y'all just chill? It's not the holodeck.

AUDIENCE: Yet.

SMUTTERS: Homage, baybee, homage!

DANIEL: In reality, we haven't defeated the Goa'uld.

LEE: Are you saying the game won't end until he defeats all the Goa'uld?

TEAL'C FANS: Dr. Lee, meet Master Teal'c of Chulak, inspiration of the Jaffa Rebellion, tireless debunker of false gods and all around hell of a guy.

AUDIENCE: Master Teal'c, meet Dr. ClueLees.

DANIEL: I don't know, you tell me. You said the game was learning the rules from Teal'c.

BDSMERS: Tsk. All of this should be agreed upon in advance. Has no one been listening?

[SAM SAYS THE GAME CAN'T GO BEYOND THE BASE INVASION SCENARIO, AND CARMICHAEL SAYS THEY CAN'T BRING HIM OUT WITHOUT RISKING NEURAL DAMAGE. SAM SAYS TEAL'C WILL NEED TO USE THE FAILSAFE EXIT AND QUIT.]

DANIEL: Yeah. Teal'c quit.

TEAL'C FANS: Teal'c's da man!

INT. SIM!SGC, INFIRMARY

[TEAL'C IS SITTING ON A BED, HIS WOUND BANDAGED, TALKING TO SIM!SAM AND SIM!DANIEL ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED, INCLUDING SIM!JACK'S DEATH.]

TEAL'C: He is not dead.

SIM!SAM: What?

SNIT: Check the credits. Executive Producers Do. Not. Die.

TEAL'C: We must focus on the situation. The threat has not been neutralized.

SIM!DANIEL: What?

TEAL'C: We will search the base immediately. More warriors remain.

SIM!DANIEL: What?

AUDIENCE: Do they make straightjackets in Teal'c's size?

BDSMERS: Yes.

AUDIENCE: Trust you on that one, 'K?

[SIM!SAM AND SIM!DANIEL TALK ABOUT ALL THE THINGS THAT TEAL'C KNEW BEFORE BEING TOLD.]

TEAL'C: The threat has not been neutralized. There are others, I am certain of it.

SIM!DANIEL: Be... cause?

TEAL'C: The game has not yet ended.

[SIM!SAM AND SIM!DANIEL SHARE A LOOK. ARE THERE SIM!S/SIM!D SHIPPERS TO SIM!SQUEE OVER IT? SIM!PROBABLY. TEAL'C TELLS THEM THEY ARE NOT REAL, THEY'RE JUST PART OF THE GAME, AND THEY *REALLY* THINK HE'S NUTS.]

TEAL'C: I am fine.

TEAL'C FANS: Dayum fine.

[THE AUTODESTRUCT HAS BEEN REACTIVATED.]

INT. SIM!SGC, CONTROL ROOM

[TEAL'C, SIM!SAM AND SIM!DANIEL TRY TO ABORT THE AUTODESTRUCT AGAIN, BUT IT DOESN'T WORK. SIM!SAM SAYS SHE'S LOCKED OUT OF THE SYSTEM AND CAN'T SHUT IT DOWN. SIM!SGC GOES SIM!BOOM!]

WRITERS: [cackle] Do it again! Big-ger! Big-GER!

SMUTTERS: Isn't that our line?

INT. SGC LAB

[CARMICHAEL SAYS TEAL'C CAN ONLY LAST MAYBE A DAY AT THIS RATE. HE'S HEADING FOR A HEART ATTACK, AND IF NOT, HE'LL EVENTUALLY RUN OUT OF ADRENALINE AND HIS ENTIRE SYSTEM WILL FAIL.]

TEAL'C FANS: His is a heart that SHALL NEVER FAIL!

AUDIENCE: [prepares tranq dart]

INT. SIM!SGC, CARTER'S LAB

[TEAL'C ENTERS AND TELLS SIM!SAM SHE MUST DISABLE THE AUTODESTRUCT COMMAND. HE TELLS HER ABOUT THE SUPER SOLDIERS, WHO HAVEN'T ARRIVED YET.]

TEAL'C: If you disable the command they will be forced to use other means to achieve their goal. Only then can we hope to defeat them.

SAM: Teal'c, how could you possibly know?

AUDIENCE: How much time have you got?

[THE SCENARIO RESTARTS.]

AUDIENCE: If we must watch this again, can't we at least see the latest in codwear?

INT. SGC LAB

[SAM AND DANIEL WATCH AS TEAL'C GETS THE SNOT BEAT OUT OF HIM IN THE GAME.]

DANIEL: This is ridiculous. It's torturing him.

BDSMers: Not to harp or anything, but... safeword?

LEE: Why won't he quit?

TEAL'C FANS: Can we Fed Ex those DVDs overnight?

DANIEL: Wait a minute. He's headed for the elevator.

CARTER: He's going to use the failsafe.

BDSMERS: Potato, potahto.

INT. SIM!SGC, OUTSIDE LEVEL 28 ELEVATOR

[TEAL'C JUST MANAGES TO GET THE ELEVATOR DOOR SHUT AS A SUPER SOLDIER COMES AFTER HIM. TEAL'C EXITS THE ELEVATOR... AND ANOTHER GAME HAS STARTED.]

BDSMERS: Oh, we are so OUTTIE. Safe, sane and consensual this is NOT.

H/C FANS: Don't you want to stick around for the comfort?

BDSMERS: [pitying look]

INT. SGC LAB

SAM: It didn't work. He's back in the game.

SNIT: No? Really, Dr. Blinding Flash of the Obvious? And here we thought Lee was this week's pigeon.

[JACK JOINS THE REST WATCHING THE SCREENS.]

JACK: You know, I always thought a failsafe system was supposed to be somewhat safe... from failure!

BDSMERS: Hell, yeah!

AUDIENCE: Didn't you leave?

BDSMERS: The shipper picket line for more Looks of Love was blocking the parking lot.

[LEE RAISES HIS HANDS AND SHRUGS.]

SNIT: He's probably muttering under his breath, "Why don't you ask Ms. National Treasure over there?"

[SAM THEORIZED THAT THE GAME LEARNED TEAL'C TOO WELL, AND THAT IN A REAL SITUATION, TEAL'C WOULD NEVER GIVE UP.]

JACK: Well, it's right. It's also just a game.

SAM: The game doesn't know that.

TEAL'C FANS: And Teal'c does?

[EVERY TIME IT LOOKS LIKE TEAL'C'S WON, IT THROWS HIM A NEW TWIST. TEAL'C CONTINUOUSLY GETS THE CRAP BEAT OUT OF HIM IN THE GAME, WHILE BACK IN THE REAL WORLD, CARMICHAEL GIVES HIM ADRENALIN TO HELP KEEP HIS BODY GOING.]

TEAL'C/ISHTA SHIPPERS: Ishta would keep him going.

TEAL'C/SAM SHIPPERS: Yeah, right off a cliff. Sam's the one!

TEAL'C/JANET SHIPPERS: [wail] [gnashing of teeth]

TEAL'C/JACK SLASHERS: Jack!

TEAL'C/DANIEL SLASHERS: Daniel!

ORGY FANS: We just love multiple choice answers... All of the above!

NOROMOS: [sigh]

INT. SIM!SGC

[ANOTHER ROUND OF THE GAME, WITH THE LATEST TWIST BEING A NAQUADAH GENERATOR ON OVERLOAD IN A STORAGE ROOM. SIM!SILER AND SIM!SAM CAN'T STOP IT, SO THEY CARRY IT TO THE GATE ROOM TO TOSS IT THROUGH TO SOMEWHERE... ELSE. THEY WAIT FOR THE DIALING SEQUENCE TO COMPLETE, BUT SIM!CHEVRON GUY IS ZATTED FROM BEHIND... BY SIM!DANIEL. SIM!DANIEL'S EYES DO THE GOA'ULD FLASH, THEN THE GENERATOR GOES BOOM. SIM!SGC GO SIM!BYE-BYE. AGAIN. GAME RESET. AGAIN. THIS TIME, TEAL'C WATCHES AS TEAMS RUN PAST, IGNORING THIS ROUND OF THE GAME, SLIDING DOWN THE WALL, LOOKING DEFEATED.]

FRIENDSHIPPERS: Awwww. It finally broke him to see one of his friends as a Goa'uld.

TEAL'C/DANIEL SLASHERS: Friends? Yeah, we're buying it. Not.

[THE GAME REPLAYS ON ITS OWN SEVERAL TIMES, WHILE TEAL'C AGONIZES ON THE FLOOR.]

H/C FANS: Whumped Teal'c Alert!

INT. SGC, ANOTHER LAB

[DANIEL AND SAM DISCUSS TEAL'C'S WORSENING CONDITION. SAM HAS SPOKEN TO SCIENTISTS ON P7J-989, AND THEY'RE NO HELP EITHER, BUT THEY DID HAVE A NEURAL IMPRINT OF TEAL'C'S MIND ON FILE FROM WHEN THE TEAM WAS TRAPPED THERE.]

DANIEL: Creepy.

SLASHERS: Finally, our quest for video may be obsolete! Well, once we can contact P7J-989.

SAM: Yeah, I try not to think about it.

SNIT: Yeah, it could be bad for you if it could be used at a courts martial.

[SAM'S USING ANOTHER CHAIR TO RUN MORE SIMS, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT IF THERE'S A WAY OUT FOR TEAL'C. ACCORDING TO WHAT SHE'S FOUND, SIX YEARS AGO, TEAL'C DIDN'T REALLY BELIEVE THEY COULD DEFEAT THE GOA'ULD.]

DANIEL: Well, he doesn't think that now. He can't, not after everything we've accomplished.

SAM: I hope you're right. Otherwise, no matter how long or hard Teal'c plays the game, he won't win.

INT. SGC LAB

[CARMICHAEL SAYS THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE A DECISION SOON ABOUT ATTEMPTING TO FORCIBLY REMOVE THE CONNECTIONS, WHILE JACK IS STUDYING THE CHAIR.]

JACK: You know, it's too bad we can't hook up a joystick to this thing. Give him a little help, a little backup maybe.

SMUTTERS: [perk] Can he make the joystick harder?

LEE: Actually... we could link up another chair and send someone else into the same simulation. It wouldn't make any difference. The processors would network and the second person would just fall victim to the same altered elements in the simulation that have already trapped Teal'c.

SAM: Unless, the new player had an advantage. Sir, you may have done it again.

JACK: Yes. [...] How did I do it this time?

AUDIENCE: [sigh] Get the "Idiots Guide to Gaming" out.

[SAM TECHNOBABBLES THEY CAN USE THE GAME'S TWO SECOND PROCESSING TIME TO THEIR ADVANTAGE. IF THEY HOOK UP THE SECOND CHAIR TO THE FIRST, WITHOUT USING THE RECORDER IN THE LOOP, THE SECOND PLAYER WILL ESSENTIALLY HAVE A TWO SECOND PRECOG OF WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.]

LEE: That's assuming the chair's programming won't become aware of it and adapt.

CARMICHAEL: Which would mean that there's a good chance that the second player could be trapped along with Teal'c.

JACK , DANIEL & SAM: I'll do it!

TEAM FANS: [shiny]

FOURGY FANS: Word!

NOROMOS: Maybe the picket line has died down?

INT. SIM!SGC

[DANIEL HAS ENTERED THE GAME, BUT AS HE MEETS UP WITH TEAL'C...]

DANIEL: What are you doing? No... don't... don't... don't.

[TEAL'C SHOOTS DANIEL, AND THE GAME RESTARTS.]

DANIEL FANS: You bastard!

AUDIENCE: Well, Teal'c *was* catching up.

INT. SGC LAB

[DANIEL'S IN THE SECOND CHAIR, WHILE JACK AND SAM WATCH THE GAME.]

JACK: Why'd he shoot him?

SAM: Because Daniel was a Goa'uld in the last several simulations.

JACK: I told you I should have gone.

SAM: The last thing we needed was the game learning from your tactical experience.

AUDIENCE: Or his Cosmic Giddiness (tm). [shudder]

DANIEL FANS: Hey, is she dissing Daniel's tactical experience? He might not be trained military, but he *does* have tactical experience.

INT. SIM!SGC

[DANIEL'S BACK IN THE GAME AGAIN, BUT THIS TIME HE HIDES FROM TEAL'C, SO HE WON'T BE SHOT ON SIGHT.]

UBER JONAS FANS: Can we volunteer for that job?

AUDIENCE: What are y'all doing here?

UBER JONAS FANS: We can only watch our season six DVDs so many times.

NOT EXACTLY SEASON SIX FANS: On *that* we can agree.

INT. SIM!SGC, SAM'S LAB

[TEAL'C IS SEARCHING FOR THE CHIP AGAIN, WHEN DANIEL ENTERS.]

DANIEL: Easy. Don't shoot. Just hear me out. Okay, it's me. I'm real. I'm not a Goa'uld and I'm going to prove that to you, okay?

[TEAL'C SHOOTS DANIEL. AGAIN.]

DANIEL FANS: Dammit, this isn't funny anymore.

JONAS FANS: Speak for yourselves.

DANIEL FANS: Where are those bouncers when we need them?

INT. SIM!SGC

[THIS TIME, DANIEL RUNS IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION OF THE SECURITY TEAM HEADING TO THE GATE ROOM. HE FINDS TEAL'C AND ZATS HIM.]

DANIEL FANS: Yay!

TEAL'C FANS: [glower]

DANIEL FANS: Sorry, but turnabout is fair play and all that.

DANIEL: I'm sorry buddy, you're going to have to listen to me.

FRIENDSHIPPERS AND SLASHERS: [sigh]

[DANIEL TAKES AWAY TEAL'C'S MODIFIED WEAPON AND STARTS TO EXPLAIN WHAT'S GOING ON, THAT'S HE IN A CHAIR JUST LIKE TEAL'C, PLAYING THE GAME.]

TEAL'C: It will not let me out.

DANIEL: I know. The game thinks that in a real situation you'd never quit.

TEAL'C: No matter what I do, it is not possible Daniel Jackson. It is not possible!

DANIEL: Yes, it is. That's why I'm here. Come on, let's do this. Together.

H/C FANS: Whumped Teal'c. Comforting Daniel. OK, we're good now.

D/T SLASHERS: And we'll be in our bunks.

[DANIEL AND TEAL'C HEAD DOWN THE CORRIDOR.]

TEAL'C: You possess the ability to foresee the future?

DANIEL: A few seconds into the future. If I'm honest with you it's kinda freakin' me out. A few seconds is not a lot of time. At least... the chance to see something happen and all you can say is...

[DANIEL STOPS AS TEAL'C LOOKS AROUND THE CORNER.]

DANIEL: ...watch out.

[TEAL'C STARTS TO MOVE INTO THE CORRIDOR, AND DANIEL PUSHES HIM AWAY TO THE OPPOSITE SIDE.]

DANIEL: No, seriously, watch out!

[TWO SUPER SOLDIERS APPEAR AND START FIRING. TEAL'C AND DANIEL RETURN FIRE TO NO AVAIL.]

INT. SGC LAB

[CARMICHAEL ORDERS A CRASH CART, BUT LEE PROTESTS THEY CAN'T INTRODUCE AN ELECTRICAL IMPULSE INTO THE CHAIR. CARMICHAEL SAYS THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE THAT TEAL'C WILL GO INTO CARDIAC ARREST IF HE GOES THROUGH ANOTHER RESET.]

INT. SIM!SGC

[TEAL'C. DANIEL. ARM PORN. MULTIPLE SUPER SOLDIERS. FIGHTY FIGHT FIGHT. RESET.]

AUDIENCE: Wake us for the tag scene.

INT. SGC LAB

[CARMICHAEL INJECTS ADRENALIN DIRECTLY INTO TEAL'C'S HEART, BUT SAYS IT WON'T WORK AGAIN.]

INT. SIM!SGC, SAM'S LAB

[TEAL'C AND DANIEL SEARCH FOR THE CHIP. DANIEL IS PUTTING IT IN HIS WEAPON AS HE GETS A PRECOG VIEW OF A SUPER SOLDIER ENTERING THE LAB AND FIRING ON THEM.]

DANIEL: Down.

DANIEL FANS: Okay! Whatever you say!

[DANIEL AND TEAL'C HIDE BEHIND THE TABLE. DANIEL DIVES FLAT ON HIS BACK ONTO THE FLOOR, FIRING AT THE SUPER SOLDIER, WHICH COLLAPSES.]

DANIEL: Yeah. This could work.

DANIEL FANS: Yeah, and "Action Jackson" works for more than a few of us. Not to mention the Arm Porn. Guh.

INT. SIM!SGC

[TEAL'C AND DANIEL CAREFULLY MAKE THEIR WAY DOWN THE CORRIDOR. A SUPER SOLDIER APPEARS AROUND THE CORNER, BUT TEAL'C DOESN'T SHOOT IT, SAYING EVERY TIME BEFORE, IT HAS PROVEN FATAL. WHENEVER HE SHOT ONE, IT ATTRACTED THE ATTENTION OF ANOTHER CLOAKED DRONE, AND IT'S ALL A DIVERSION TO ALLOW A GOA'ULD TIME TO DESTROY THE BASE USING THE AUTODESTRUCT OR THE OVERLOADING GENERATOR.]

DANIEL: And if you tried to stop one, it uses the other. I suppose the identity of the Goa'uld always changes too.

TEAL'C: Yes. I believe it to be the final component of the game we must overcome.

T/D SLASHERS: Yet, the game seems to know whose possession by a Goa'uld would affect Teal'c the most. [sigh]

[GUNFIRE IS HEARD IN THE DISTANCE, DANIEL HAS ANOTHER PREMONITION, AND THEY MISS RUNNING INTO TWO SUPER SOLDIERS, BUT THEY'RE SPOTTED MOMENTS LATER. THEY PASS THE ELEVATOR, WHICH OPENS, AND SIM!JACK AND OTHERS EXIT AND OPEN FIRE ON THE SUPER SOLDIERS. DANIEL AND TEAL'C THEN OPEN FIRE AND TAKE OUT THE DRONES.]

SIM!JACK: You guys all right?

[SIM!JACK PULLS DANIEL TO HIS FEET.]

DANIEL: Oh, yeah, thanks.

J/D SLASHERS: Oh, yeah, thanks bunches. [swoon]

TEAL'C: The naquadah generator.

[SIM!JACK FOLLOWS TEAL'C AND DANIEL AS THEY GO TO THE STORAGE ROOM.]

TRIOSMUTTERS: Can we get a "Hell, yeah?"

INT. SIM!SGC, STORAGE ROOM

[AS TEAL'C AND DANIEL ENTER, SIM!SAM IS WORKING ON THE GENERATOR. TEAL'C AIMS HIS WEAPON AT HER, THINKING SHE'S THE GOA'ULD THIS TIME.]

SIM!SAM: Teal'c, what are you doing? We've got less than a minute before this thing goes critical.

[SIM!JACK ENTERS AND LOOKS IN SURPRISE AT TEAL'C, WHO POINTS THE WEAPON AT HIM.]

SIM!JACK: T?

TEAL'C: Step away!

DANIEL: I'd do as he says.

TEAL'C FANS: So would we. All he has to do is ask.

[SIM!JACK AND SIM!SAM BOTH STEP AWAY FROM THE GENERATOR. SIM!JACK NOTICES SIM!SILER LYING ON THE FLOOR AROUND THE CORNER OF SOME SHELVING.]

SIM!JACK: What the hell's going on here?

SIM!SAM: Teal'c, we're all going to die if you don't let me stop that overload.

TEAL'C: She may be a Goa'uld.

SIM!SAM: It was Siler.

SIM!JACK: Siler?

DANIEL: Siler?

SILER FANS: [fume] No respect. We get no respect.

SILER'S WRENCH: Preach it!

RODNEY DANGERFIELD FANS: [sob]

SIM!SAM: He was in here. I found him setting the generator.

[SIM!JACK ORDERS TEAL'C TO PUT HIS WEAPON DOWN, AND DANIEL WONDERS IF SIM!SAM ISN'T THE ONE, SINCE TEAL'C SAID HE NEVER KNEW WHO IT WAS UNTIL THE LAST SECOND. TEAL'C AIMS HIS WEAPON AT SIM!JACK, WHO RAISES HIS WEAPON AGAINST TEAL'C. DANIEL AND SIM!SAM POINT THEIR WEAPONS AT EACH OTHER.]

AUDIENCE: Man, a therapist could have a field day with this scenario.

SNIT: We're not therapists, but we *are* having a field day.

[AS DANIEL AND TEAL'C TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHETHER SIM!SAM OR SIM!JACK IS THE GOA'ULD, DANIEL HAS ANOTHER VISION -- SIM!SILER SUDDENLY RISES, WITH HIS "GOA'ULD GLOW" EYES. TEAL'C SHOOTS SIM!SILER. DEAD, DEAD, DEAD. THE GAME ENDS.]

INT. SGC LAB

[DANIEL WAKES UP DISORIENTED, ASKING IF IT'S FINISHED. SAM SAYS HE DID IT, AND HE PUTS HIS HEAD BACK DOWN. TEAL'C WAKES UP.]

TEAL'C: O'Neill.

JACK: Hey.

[JACK PATS TEAL'C ON THE ARM AND CLASPS HIS SHOULDER.]

TEAL'C/JACK SLASHERS: Squee!

TEAL'C: We have won.

JACK: Well, it's what we do.

DANIEL FANS: Hey! What's with this *we* shit?

CLOSING CREDITS

NEXT WEEK, AFFINITY. AKA "TEAL'C GETS LAID, AND DANIEL'S TORMENTED WHEN SNIPERS TAKE OUT A COFFEE CUP."