8.09 Sacrifices: The Breadbox Edition

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[JACK AND DANIEL ARE WALKING SIDE BY SIDE DOWN A CORRIDOR.]

FRIENDSHIPPERS: Do the writers know what they've done here? They're actually showing Jack and Daniel together -- walking and talking like friends!

SLASHERS: Shhh! Don't make a big deal about it, or we'll never see it again.

WRITERS: We just got here... what will you never see again?

FRIENDSHIPPERS AND SLASHERS: Nothing! Nevermind!

[DANIEL IS TELLING JACK THAT TEAL'C AND BRA'TAC BELIEVE THE WAY TO DESTROY THE SYSTEM LORDS IS THE RECRUIT AS MANY JAFFA INTO THE FIFTH COLUMN AS POSSIBLE. WHEN THEY HAVE SUFFICIENT NUMBERS, THEY COULD RISE UP AGAINST THEM.]

DANIEL: Even then, Ba'al controls the Super Soldier army, which cannot be turned.

AUDIENCE: Um... isn't that why Anubis created them? And they're now answering to Ba'al, so we guess that didn't work out so well, eh?

[INCOMING WORMHOLE, ARRIVING AT GATE ONE. PLEASE MIND THE GAP.]

DANIEL: So even if the rebel Jaffa can someday take out the majority of the System Lords, there'd still be a massive war to fight. The problem is though, Ishta doesn't want to wait. Moloc is continuing to order the deaths of all female Jaffa born in his domain. And her underground railroad to Haktyl can't save them all.

[JACK STARTS TO GO DOWN THE WRONG CORRIDOR, BUT THEN TURNS AROUND AND CATCHES UP TO DANIEL.]

JACK FANS: Stupid!Jack alert, level chartreuse.

AUDIENCE: If it hits level peridot, run for your lives.

DANIEL: Even now she's organizing a rebellion to overthrow Moloc. Now Teal'c and Bra'tac are trying to convince her to see the bigger picture.

JACK: What was my question again?

DANIEL: Um, "How's it going?"

JACK: It seemed so innocuous at the time.

AUDIENCE: Doesn't it always?

J/D SLASHERS: Pretty much everything starts that way with them.

INT. GATE ROOM

[JACK AND DANIEL ARRIVE, JUST AS TEAL'C AND BRA'TAC ARRIVE THROUGH THE GATE.]

AUDIENCE: [puzzled look] What's that round thing again?

STARGATE: Shut UP. I have a HUGE scene in this one.

ATLANTIS STARGATE: Yeah, but I get the action. Nyeah!

STARGATE: Bitch.

JACK: Fellas! How was the trip?

TEAL'C: I have been betrayed by those I trusted most.

AUDIENCE: So... who got Ishta an e-mail account and ratted our boy out about Krista?

[TEAL'C WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM.]

JACK: That good, eh?

BRA'TAC: His mood is foul indeed.

MASTER/APPRENTICE SLASHERS: We're pretty sure you could do something about that.

BRA'TAC/HAMMOND/JACOB/SELMAK SMUTTERS: No, he really couldn't.

[BRA'TAC GREETS JACK AND DANIEL, AND TELLS THEM THERE WAS A COMPLICATION.]

JACK: Ishta?

BRA'TAC: She is well, and as lovely as ever, O'Neill. The problem I fear lies with Rya'c.

DANIEL: Is he okay?

BRA'TAC: He is in love, and plans to be married.

AUDIENCE: And as Ryac is pretty much this show's target demographic in terms of age and gender, should that not be a good thing?

18 to 24 YEAR OLD MALES: Depends on the chick.

[BRA'TAC LEAVES THE ROOM, WITH JACK AND DANIEL WONDERING IF THEY'VE FALLEN INTO AN EPISODE OF "AS THE GATE TURNS."]

NOROMOS: Sometimes, we wonder about that too.

SLASHERS: Why's everyone so upset about a marriage? If Ry'ac's chosen a guy, just have the wedding in Canada.

OPENING CREDITS

INT. SGC RECREATION ROOM

[JACK AND TEAL'C ARE PLAYING PING-PONG, DISCUSSING THE WEDDING, WHICH IS SCHEDULED TO TAKE PLACE IN THREE DAYS. MEANWHILE, JACK IS THE TARGET OF DISTRACTED!PISSED!OFF!TEAL'C'S ANGER, AND HIS PING-PONG BALLS.]

SLASHERS: Teal'c better be careful where he aims. Don't want to bruise anything important.

BDSMERS: Safe word?

AUDIENCE: You may have to let that one go for this scene.

JACK: Well, you know love... is a strange and mysterious... thing.

SNIT: Or totally in the imagination of one half of the equation.

TEAL'C: Rya'c did not even consult me before making his decision. It is obvious this girl has caused all reason to leave Rya'c's head.

AUDIENCE: Should we even dignify that comment? Oh, what the hell. It's a well-known fact that men only have enough blood in their bodies to run one head at a time. Rya'c's no different.

[JACK CONTINUES TO GET WHACKED BY PING-PONG BALLS.]

JACK FANS: We'd be more than happy to kiss the boo-boos better.

JACK: So what's Ishta think of all this?

TEAL'C: Ishta believes that tradition should persist at all costs, especially in the face of oppression.

JACK: I see.

TEAL'C: Rya'c is too young to know what love is, O'Neill, or how it inevitably weakens a warrior's resolve.

SNIT AND NOROMOS: Hm...

JACK: Look, T, I'm not gonna tell you how to raise your kid, but I've always found that sticking your fingers in your ears and humming loudly solves a whole slew of problems.

AUDIENCE: That explains *so* much.

[TEAL'C SAYS HE CAN'T BE ANY GOOD AS A FATHER, IF HE CANNOT STOP HIS SON FROM MAKING THIS MISTAKE. AN OFFWORLD ACTIVATION ALARM SOUNDS, AND TEAL'C LEAVES THE ROOM. JACK SERVES THE BALL TO AN EMPTY TABLE, AND FINALLY GETS ONE ACROSS BEFORE HE FOLLOWS TEAL'C.]

INT. SGC CONTROL ROOM

CHEVRON GUY: Receiving IDC, sir. It's Ishta.

[JACK ORDERS HIM TO OPEN THE IRIS, AND HE AND TEAL'C GO INTO THE GATEROOM TO GREET ISHTA AND ANOTHER FEMALE JAFFA.]

ISHTA: There is an urgent matter we must discuss. Haktyl may have been compromised.

AUDIENCE: Duh duh duhn! Getting her that e-mail address to rat out Teal'c wasn't such a hot notion, now was it?

ISHTA/TEAL'C SHIPPERS: Shut. Up.

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[SG.75, JACK AND THE VISITING JAFFA ARE AT THE TABLE.]

ISHTA: Yesterday, we were to meet one of our contacts. A High Priestess stationed within Moloc's temple. She failed to appear at the allotted time.

AUDIENCE: That never means anything good at the SGC.

SHIPPERS AND SLASHERS WITH AN OFFWORLD SMUT KINK: Well, sometimes there are good reasons to be late.

TEAL'C: You must evacuate immediately.

[ISHTA AGREES, BUT THEY DO NOT KNOW OF ANOTHER WORLD TO GO AND HIDE FROM MOLOC. JACK SAYS THEY COULD HELP, AND SAM SAYS THEY KNOW OF SEVERAL POSSIBLE WORLDS THAT THEY COULD CHECK OUT FOR PERMANENT RESIDENCE. ISHTA SAYS EVERY MOMENT THEY STAY ON HAKTYL IS DANGEROUS. SHE LOOKS EXPECTANTLY AT JACK, THEN EVERYONE ELSE DOES TOO.]

JACK: Oh, um, you're welcome to stay here. I'll go start the paperwork.

AUDIENCE: Well, that'll take up the rest of his time for this episode, considering how much he hates paperwork.

SLASHERS: Nah, not if he "bribes" Daniel to do it.

DANIEL FANS: He's neither cheap nor easy, our Danny.

SLASHERS: Shows what *you* know about Jack's powers of persuasion.

INT. GATE ROOM

[FEMALE JAFFA AND YOUNG GIRLS COME THROUGH THE GATE, CARRYING THEIR BELONGINGS. THEY'RE ALSO BRINGING THROUGH HORSES CARRYING PACKAGES AND/OR PEOPLE. DANIEL AND SAM ARE WATCHING THE ARRIVALS, WHEN RYA'C ARRIVES WITH HIS INTENDED.]

RYA'C: This is my simka, Kar'yn.

FUTURAMA FANS: Is that like a smizmar, or what? Oh, man! Is Ry'ac's pregnant?

AUDIENCE: No more Adult Swim for you!

KAR'YN: Rya'c, stop using those old terms. We are betrothed. And it is an honor to meet friends of my husband to be.

OLD SCHOOL FEMINISTS: Gloria would be *so* proud.

[RYA'C GOES ALL GUSHY OVER HER BEAUTY, BUT KAR'YN TELLS HIM IT'S EMBARRASSING, THAT SHE'S NOT AN OBJECT TO BE WORSHIPPED.]

FEMALES IN THE AUDIENCE: Hon, you can be independent *and* be worshipped. It's a good deal, in most cases.

RYA'C: Thank you for agreeing to host our union ceremony. It will be an honor to be betrothed among friends.

DANIEL: Oh, you're going to have the wedding here?

AUDIENCE: We have a bad feeling about this.

NOROMOS: We think the car is packed and ready to go.

KAR'YN: Of course. Ishta said it may take some time to find a suitable planet for our new home. We are to be married in three days.

AUDIENCE: They are? Prepare for level peridot! All hands to escape pods!

[SAM AND DANIEL PASTE BIG SMILES ON THEIR FACE TO COVER THEIR HORROR OVER THE IDEA. DANIEL PUTS HIS HAND ON SAM'S SHOULDER, SHE PUTS HER HAND OVER HIS.]

SAM/DANIEL SHIPPERS: [dies]

KAR'YN: There is much to do. Rya'c?

[SHE'S PULLING HIM AWAY BY THE HAND, AS RYA'C EXCUSES THEM.]

AUDIENCE: Damn. Rya'c may be wearing the pants, but we know who the man of this relationship is, don't we?

[DANIEL AND SAM CONTINUE THEIR FAKE SMILES AS THEY WATCH THEM LEAVE.]

SAM/DANIEL SHIPPERS: [very ded]

DANIEL: They're having the wedding here.

SAM: Yeah.

DANIEL: Does Jack know about this?

SAM: I'm gonna work on finding them a planet. Yeah.

AUDIENCE: Well, *some*body's got to tell him, you spineless cowards!

NOROMOS: We'll do it. It's the only way a romance on this show could be entertaining.

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

[BRA'TAC ARRIVES TO TALK TO JACK.]

BRA'TAC FANS: Bra'tac is Da Man!

JACK: What's that smell?

AUDIENCE: Oh *please* don't let that be a Cosmic Giddiness Alert. Or that it was Mexican Night at the commissary.

BRA'TAC: I believe that is the horses, O'Neill. The warriors of Haktyl are grateful for you generosity.

JACK: Well, you know me. Always willing to help those who... need help.

BRA'TAC: You are indeed a wise and gracious leader, O'Neill of Minnesota.

AUDIENCE: [snicker]

JACK: Sit down, you old coot.

BRA'TAC FANS: Coming from Jack, that's a compliment, right?

AUDIENCE: Still prepared for level peridot, just in case.

[BRA'TAC TELLS JACK HE'S THERE TO MARRY RYA'C AND KAR'YN. DESPITE THE EVACUATION OF HAKTYL, ISHTA STILL WANTS THE WEDDING TO PROCEED AS SCHEDULED.]

JACK: Meaning, here?

AUDIENCE: No, Jack, he means at the Garden of the Gods park, you moron.

[BRA'TAC SAYS THEY PROBABLY WON'T FIND ANOTHER WORLD IN TIME, AND DELAYING THE CEREMONY WOULD BE ANOTHER VICTORY FOR MOLOC.]

AUDIENCE: Like he's gonna know? Did you send him an invitation?

[JACK AGREES, BUT ONLY AFTER BEING REASSURED THERE'LL BE CAKE.]

AUDIENCE: He's not out in the field with his new desk job, he might want to cut back on his excitement for cake.

SLASHERS: He thinks Daniel is going to pop out of it.

INT. ISHTA'S QUARTERS

[TEAL'C ARRIVES, AND ISHTA IS PISSY BECAUSE TEAL'C REFUSES TO BLESS THE UNION.]

AUDIENCE: And how would she feel if the wedding interfered with *her* priorities?

TEAL'C: Rya'c has pledged to help lead the Jaffa in the battle against the Goa'uld.

ISHTA: As have I, and my people. A warrior is always stronger with another at his side. So you must believe Kar'yn to be an unworthy warrior. And I am at fault as her teacher.

AUDIENCE: Boy, it's just All About Her, isn't it?

[TEAL'C SAYS RYA'C WILL HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HIS FAMILY AND HIS CAUSE, JUST AS HE DID, BUT HE DOESN'T HAVE TO DO IT NOW.]

ISHTA: In the same way Rya'c had no say in your decision, you have no say in his.

AUDIENCE: Ouch. But is Ishta qualified to provide advice on parenting skills?

ISHTA: None of us choose oppression at the hand of the Goa'uld, nor what must be done to free ourselves of it. But we must not sacrifice that which makes us Jaffa.

AUDIENCE: Um, that which makes you Jaffa *is* a Goa'uld.

CONTINUITY GEEKS: Or was. She's on tretonin now, remember?

AUDIENCE: [eyeroll] Same thing, just ground a little finer.

ISHTA: I have organized both men and women to fight together, to rise up against Moloc. Maybe once we are free of his tyranny, you will see that we are worthy of your war.

TEAL'C: Overthrowing Moloc alone will ultimately prove nothing. Were he to fall, his worlds and armies will simply be usurped by another Goa'uld.

ISHTA: I will not stand idly by and watch more of my sisters slain at the hand of Moloc, while you and the leaders of this so called Jaffa rebellion, you plot and you scheme and you ultimately do nothing.

AUDIENCE: Sounds like the writers.

[ARGUMENT CITY, AS TEAL'C AND ISHTA GO AROUND IN CIRCLES ABOUT THE JAFFA REBELLION AS A WHOLE, VERSUS ISHTA'S PERSONAL VENDETTA WITH MOLOC.]

NOROMOS: We've tuned in to "As the Gate Spins" again, haven't we?

AUDIENCE: Well, we're certainly dizzy with it.

WRITERS: We've got just the thing to settle your nerves...

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[JACK AND SAM ARE WALKING DOWN THE CORRIDOR, AS TWO FEMALE JAFFA WALKS PAST.]

NOROMOS: We've got a bad feeling about this.

STAR WARS FANS: Is that yet another homage?

[JACK GRABS SAM'S ARM.]

S/J SHIPPERS: Squee!

WRITERS: Feeling BETter?

NOROMOS: [does not dignify with an answer]

JACK: They want a what?

SAM: A goat, sir.

JACK: You can tell them lamb is far less gamey.

AUDIENCE: You can tell them, but they'll probably look at you funny.

SAM: They want it for a ritual sacrifice.

JACK: Yeah, well you can tell them that's not gonna happen.

AUDIENCE: Could the SGC get into trouble for not respecting a religious belief?

[THEY PASS JAFFA CHILDREN PLAYING IN THE HALLWAY.]

SAM: Yeah, I was hoping you'd say that.

S/J SHIPPERS AND SNIT: That's not the only thing you're hoping he'll say!

NOROMOS: Now that... that's just freaky, man.

JACK: They can have a pi³ata. That's always fun.

SAM: I'll suggest it, sir.

[A HORSE IS LED PAST THEM. WITH THE HORSE'S ASS IN THE BACKGROUND, JACK GRABS SAM BY THE SHOULDERS.]

S/J SHIPPERS: Oh yeah, baybee!

AUDIENCE: [looks expectantly at the Noromos]

NOROMOS: We're not too upset about this scene, really. We're just not sure which horse's ass we're supposed to be looking at.

JACK: Please tell me you're close to finding a planet.

[SAM TELLS HIM THEY JUST SCOUTED ONE YESTERDAY THAT ISHTA SEEMS COMFORTABLE WITH, AND IT WILL TAKE ABOUT A WEEK TO GET THE FEMALE JAFFA MOVED.]

JACK (DISMAYED): A week?

SAM: Yes, sir. The wedding is still going to happen.

S/J SHIPPERS: And damn the regulations! [...] What? Oh, *that* wedding. Nevermind.

JACK: Have you seen Teal'c?

SAM: I think he's locked himself in his room.

JACK: That chicken.

INT. SGC GATE ROOM

[BRA'TAC IS PRESIDING OVER THE WEDDING REHEARSAL. ALL GOES WELL UNTIL KAR'YN IS SUPPOSED TO KNEEL BEFORE HER HUSBAND IN RESPECT.]

FUTURAMA FANS: Smizmars don't kneel, dude.

OLD SCHOOL FEMINISTS: Kids beat us to it.

STARGATE: Shut up! Shut up! Shut UP! This is my big mo--

KAR'YN: I kneel before no man, not even my husband!

BRA'TAC: This action has been part of the ceremony for thousands...

KAR'YN: Then he should kneel before me as well! Or am I too weak to have such respect given to me in return?

OLD SCHOOL FEMINISTS: You GO, girl! Kick ass! Take names!

RYA'C: You disgrace my name.

BRA'TAC: Perhaps if we took a short recess...

AUDIENCE: Or a very long one...

[KAR'YN DECIDES MAYBE SHE'S CHOSEN POORLY FOR A HUSBAND. RYA'C SAYS MAYBE HE'S CHOSEN POORLY TOO, THEN KAR'YN STORMS OUT, WHILE TEAL'C IS UP IN THE CONTROL ROOM, SMILING.]

BRA'TAC: I can see why one must rehearse these events.

INT. SGC CONTROL ROOM

TECHNICIAN: Unscheduled off-world activation!

STARGATE: Whee! I get to do swirly stuff again!

ATLANTIS GATE: What, your job as wedding decor is off so doing your job becomes exciting?

STARGATE: Hey, at least I got a wedding, you trollop! I'm a good girl!

ATLANTIS GATE: Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.

[THEY RECEIVE A MESSAGE FOR ISHTA, FROM ONE OF HER CONTACTS WITHIN MOLOC'S JAFFA. HE WANTS A SUMMIT, AND THE LOCATION OF THE NEW HOMEWORLD NEEDS TO BE SENT TO THOSE WHO WILL ATTEND. TEAL'C WANTS TO GO, BUT ISHTA SHUTS HIM DOWN.]

AUDIENCE: Somebody totally hacked her addy. Now, what have we learned?

ISHTA/TEAL'C SHIPPERS: Microsoft products sucks. Next time, get Eudora.

INT. ISHTA'S QUARTERS

[ISHTA IS PACKING WHILE KAR'YN WATCHES. SHE WANTS TO GO WITH ISHTA, SINCE THERE'S NOT GOING TO BE A WEDDING.]

KAR'YN: I cannot be betrothed to Rya'c. He is as pigheaded as his father.

ISHTA: Until you have fought as many battles, do not speak of Teal'c of Chulak with such disrespect. Without him, we would not have Tretonin, and we'd still be slaves to the Goa'uld symbiotes.

AUDIENCE: Whoa there, girlie. We got whiplash from that turnaround. Are we for or against Teal'c in this?

TEAL'C FANS: We'd like to be up against Teal'c.

ISHTA FANS: He is so. Very. Taken.

TEAL'C FANS: Yeah, what about Krista?

ISHTA FANS: Taken. Care. Of.

BDSMERS: We even gave them a pass on the safe word.

NOROMOS: [whimpering] Please make it stop.

KAR'YN: But how can you accept his affection knowing he does not support our war against Moloc and the archaic traditions that oppress female Jaffa?

TEAL'C FANS: She's kidding, right? Has she LOOKED at the man?

ISHTA: We differ often, but deep down we both possess the same hunger for freedom.

TEAL'C/ISHTA SHIPPERS: The hot sex is just a bonus.

[KAR'YN ASKS IF TEAL'C DOESN'T THINK SHE'S FIT FOR RYA'C. ISHTA TELLS HER THAT TEAL'C HAS SACRIFICED MUCH IN THE WAR, AND DOES NOT WANT HIS SON TO HAVE TO DO THE SAME.]

ISHTA/TEAL'C SHIPPERS: Love is in the air!

NOROMOS: [popping more Dramamine] Yes, we see that. More to the point, we *feel* it.

INT. SGC TRAINING ROOM

[RYA'C IS WORKING OFF HIS FRUSTRATION WITH A STAFF.]

AUDIENCE: Say what? Oh, staff as in long stick. We were wondering for a moment. Though still... Ew. We've been hanging out with the smutters and slashers too much.

SMUTTERS AND SLASHERS: [preen]

PRISON OF AZKABAN FANS: What's wrong with a little wandplay, hmmm? Best done under the covers, but the Jaffa are a less restrained people... Um, where were we?

AUDIENCE: We have *no* idea, and would like to keep it that way.

[BRA'TAC ARRIVES, AND RYA'C ASKS WHY TEAL'C WON'T BLESS THE UNION.]

BRA'TAC: Then the union is still to be?

RYA'C: That is not the point.

AUDIENCE: We'd like to know the point, actually. Can someone let us know when we get there?

NOROMOS: A'freakin'men.

[BRA'TAC PLAYS PSYCHOANALYST FOR RYA'C, EXPLAINING THAT TEAL'C DID MUCH OF WHAT HE DID, INCLUDING LEAVING RYA'C AND HIS MOTHER, SO ONE DAY RYA'C COULD BE FREE. RYA'C SAYS HE DOESN'T NEED TEAL'C'S BLESSING, THAT HE INSULTS KAR'YN, WHO IS A FORMIDABLE WARRIOR WHO DESERVES TEAL'C'S RESPECT.]

BRA'TAC: And yours.

FEMALES IN THE AUDIENCE: We (heart) Bra'tac!

HAMMOND/BRA'TAC SLASHERS: He's taken.

JACOB/SELMAK/BRA'TAC SLASHERS: With a very full calendar.

INT. TENT ON THE NEW HOMEWORLD OF ISHTA'S REBEL JAFFA

[REBELS AMONG MOLOC'S JAFFA ARE MEETING WITH ISHTA AND TEAL'C. THE REBELS THINK IT'S TIME TO STRIKE AGAINST MOLOC, BUT TEAL'C TELLS THEM THAT ONLY WHEN *ALL* JAFFA RISE AGAINST THEIR FORMER GODS CAN THEY TRULY WIN. ISHTA AIN'T HAPPY WITH TEAL'C, AND HE'S SO GONNA BE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH. MOLOC'S JAFFA ARRIVE AND ATTACK THE REBEL ENCAMPMENT. TEAL'C, ISHTA AND THE REBEL ARON ESCAPE, AND TRY TO MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE GATE, BUT MOLOC'S JAFFA ARE GUARDING IT. ISHTA WANTS TO GO BACK TO THE MEETING TENT TO LOOK FOR SURVIVORS, ELSE THEY'LL BE TORTURED. TEAL'C WANTS THEM TO WAIT BECAUSE... THE GATE IS ACTIVATED, AND THE JAFFA AIM THEIR WEAPONS AT IT. JACK'S VOICE COMES THROUGH TEAL'C'S RADIO.]

JACK: You know how I get when you don't call.

J/T SLASHERS: Squee!

[TEAL'C REPORTS BACK TO JACK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED AT THE SUMMIT, AND THAT THEY'RE CUT OFF FROM THE GATE. JACK ASKS ABOUT SENDING BACKUP, BUT TEAL'C SAYS NOT TO DO IT UNTIL HE CAN GATHER SOME INTEL ON THE EXTENT OF MOLOC'S FORCES.]

JACK: All right. I'll check in in about an hour. And T?

J/T SLASHERS: Yeeeeeeeeesssss?

TEAL'C: My head is down, O'Neill.

AUDIENCE: Is that code or what?

J/T SLASHERS: We're pretty sure we know what it means. [sigh]

J/D SLASHERS: Yeah, Daniel's gonna have to kick Teal'c out of Jack's bed again.

TRI-SMUTTERS: Or join in. We're cool with that.

[TEAL'C THINKS SOMEONE FROM WITHIN ISHTA'S CAMP HAS BETRAYED HER, THAT'S THE ONLY WAY MOLOC COULD HAVE FOUND THEM. ISHTA SAYS SHE DOESN'T HAVE HER TRETONIN, IT WAS LEFT IN THE TENT. TEAL'C PLANS TO SHARE HIS, BUT HIS CONTAINER IS BROKEN.]

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[CHAOS REIGNS AS DANIEL TRIES TO TALK TO THE FEMALE JAFFA AND RYA'C, WHO ARE ARGUING. BRA'TAC AND JACK ENTER. JACK TRIES TO TELL EVERYONE TO SETTLE DOWN, BUT HE'S IGNORED.]

BRA'TAC: Silence!

BRA'TAC FANS: [beam]

[DEAD SILENCE.]

BRA'TAC FANS: He's da man. Seriously.

JACK Thank you. Now, Daniel, what's going on here?

[EVERYONE STARTS TALKING AT ONCE.]

BRA'TAC: Silence!

JACK: I said, 'Daniel.'

FRIENDSHIPPERS AND SLASHERS: We heard. [sigh]

[THE FEMALE JAFFA WON'T ABANDON ISHTA, THEY WANT TO GO ON A RESCUE MISSION. BUT THE GATE IS GUARDED AND IT WOULD TAKE AT LEAST A WEEK TO GET THERE BY SHIP. BRA'TAC TELLS THEM THEIR SKILLS MAY BE NEEDED LATER, AND THEY MUST BE READY TO GO, BUT THEY'RE NOT LEAVING NOW.]

EXT. ON THE NEW, SCRATCH THAT, EX-HOMEWORLD OF ISHTA'S REBEL JAFFA

[TEAL'C, ISHTA AND ARON ARE WATCHING THE TENT. THERE ARE ONLY SIX GUARDS VISIBLE, BUT THERE MAY BE MORE LYING IN WAIT. THEY HEAR A MAN SCREAMING INSIDE THE TENT.]

ISHTA: We must do something. I cannot bear this. The Tau'ri have troops and weapons.

BDSMERS: As long as they're using a safe word, you really shouldn't barge in. Unless they ask nicely.

[TEAL'C SAYS THEY DON'T KNOW HOW LARGE MOLOC'S FORCES ARE, SO THEY HAVE TO WAIT AND DO NOTHING. THEY MOVE OFF INTO THE WOODS; ISHTA STUMBLES, BUT ARON IS UNAWARE OF THE PROBLEM. TEAL'C SAYS THEY'RE GOING TO REST, BUT ARON ARGUES WITH HIM. ISHTA SAYS SHE NEEDS TO SPEAK WITH TEAL'C ABOUT A PRIVATE MATTER, AND ARON GETS PISSY THAT SHE DOESN'T TRUST HIM, BUT HE DOES LEAVE THEM ALONE.]

TEAL'C: He could be the informant as easily as anyone and using this opportunity to gather knowledge concerning the rebellion.

ISHTA: I know. But he is right about one thing: we cannot wait to act. I am already growing weak.

[THEY DECIDE THEY WILL REST FOR A TIME, TAKING TURNS ON WATCH.]

ISHTA: Teal'c, I promised all Jaffa under Moloc's rule, they will be free from his tyranny.

TEAL'C: It was not a foolish promise. One day, we will all be free.

ISHTA: 'One day' is not soon enough.

AUDIENCE: Not really a big picture kinda gal, is she?

ISHTA FANS: Moloc was slaughtering infant girls. Big picture *that.*

EXT. ON THE EX-HOMEWORLD OF ISHTA'S REBEL JAFFA

[ARON WAKES UP THE SLEEPING TEAL'C, TELLING HIM THAT IT WAS ISHTA'S TURN TO TAKE WATCH, BUT SHE'S GONE. THEY GO TO THEIR SPOT TO SEE THE TENT, AND SEE ISHTA BEING DRAGGED INSIDE.]

AUDIENCE: How did they capture Ishta? Wouldn't she have put up a fight that Teal'c would have heard?

WRITERS: [shrug] It happened offscreen, so whatever.

ISHTA/TEAL'C SHIPPERS: She probably wore him out in some fashion. [innocent look]

INT. TENT

MOLOC: [glowy eyes]

ISHTA: [eep] I can't nerve pinch people in this outfit, can I?

AUDIENCE: Nope. Basically, you're boned.

EXT. ON THE EX-HOMEWORLD OF ISHTA'S REBEL JAFFA

[TEAL'C AND ARON ARE STILL OBSERVING, AND FIGURE OUT MOLOC HAS ARRIVED. ARON WANTS TO KILL MOLOC, EVEN IF ISHTA CANNOT BE SAVED. TEAL'C TELLS HIM WITHOUT REINFORCEMENTS, HE'LL BE KILLED.]

ARON: I am willing to die for my cause.

TEAL'C: Then you will die for nothing if you do not succeed in killing Moloc first.

ARON: You are weak, and your mind is clouded with feelings for Ishta.

SNIT: Why, you pestilential thief of lines! Give it back! We need that material for S/J ship!

TEAL'C FANS: Um, do you see him rushing off to save her, you moron?

[TEAL'C ZATS ARON.]

TEAL'C: And you cannot be trusted.

TEAL'C FANS: Woot!

SNIT: Nobody else saw that, right? [surreptitiously scribbles down line]

INT. SGC GATE ROOM

[BRA'TAC ARRIVES, DANIEL'S WAITING FOR HIM.]

BRA'TAC/DANIEL SLASHERS: Our moment is nigh!

DANIEL: Ishta's been captured. And apparently Moloc is there in person. Now we're gonna coordinate a missile attack on the Jaffa at the Gate to provide a distraction for Teal'c's rescue attempt.

BRA'TAC/DANIEL SLASHERS: Not even a hello?

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Y'all are on CRACK.

TEAL'C/DANIEL SLASHERS: The really cheap stuff, too.

BRA'TAC/HAMMOND/JACOB/SELMAK SLASHERS: And y'all need to check the calendar for availability!

BRA'TAC: Moloc will certainly kill her before surrendering.

SLASHERS & NOROMOS: Can we get on with that, please?

DANIEL: Well, Teal'c's more worried about what he's going to do to her in the meantime.

INT. TENT ON THE EX-HOMEWORLD OF ISHTA'S REBEL JAFFA

[MOLOC IS USING THE RIBBON DEVICE TO TORTURE ISHTA.]

MOLOC: It is not too late to repent for your sins. Grovel before your God, and beg for my forgiveness.

ISHTA: [defiant]

MOLOC: Tell me of the other sinners who would betray me. How many would renounce the privilege of carrying the children of their god, like you? Tell me while their souls may yet be saved!

AUDIENCE: He sounds like an evangelist. They need to have him yell out, "Sinner! Repent!" now and again.

ISHTA: [still defiant]

AUDIENCE: Still trying to figure out how to wedge in a mind meld or neck pinch or other Vulcan-foo, isn't she?

MOLOC: You cannot be Ishta of the Haktyl! Wicked leader of the depraved! I sense nothing but weakness in you. Well maybe that is what happens when you abandon the strength of the Goa'uld inside of you. All that is left is this burning desire to die at the hands of your great and powerful god.

[HE USES THE RIBBON DEVICE AGAIN.]

ISHTA: [ow]

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[JACK, SAM, DANIEL AND BRA'TAC ARE TALKING ABOUT THE SITUATION WITH TEAL'C. THEY'RE PREPPING AN UAV TO DROP TRETONIN FOR TEAL'C, AND THEN IT WILL CIRCLE BACK TO TARGET THE GUARDS AT THE GATE. BRA'TAC SAYS THE REBEL JAFFA ON MOLOC'S WORLDS ARE PREPARING FOR A WAR AGAINST THOSE STILL LOYAL, BUT HE IS UNSURE THEY CAN WIN.]

SAM: Even if they do, it's possible another Goa'uld could simply take his place. Or worse, come in and wipe them all out to prove this whole rebellion is a bad idea.

BRA'TAC: Indeed. That is something we asked them to consider. And yet, such reason is beyond them now.

AUDIENCE: They're focusing on the shit blowing up, aren't they?

WRITERS: Of *course* they are! Isn't everyone?

AUDIENCE: [sigh]

INT. SGC GATE ROOM

[SILER FINISHES WORKING ON THE UAV. THEY DIAL THE GATE, THEN LAUNCH IT THROUGH.]

STARGATE: About time someone uses me, but I feel like I should have gotten dinner first.

UAV: You know you love it, baby.

EXT. THE EX-HOMEWORLD OF ISHTA'S REBEL JAFFA

UAV: [zoom, zoom]

[THE SGC IS RECEIVING THE INFORMATION FROM THE UAV, BUT MOLOC'S JAFFA SHOOT IT DOWN.]

AUDIENCE: Moloc not have sent his Jaffa to The Stormtrooper Academy. They actually hit their target.

[SAM RADIOS TEAL'C, TELLING HIM WHERE TO FIND THE UAV, SO HE CAN GET HIS TRETONIN.]

INT. SGC CONTROL ROOM

BRA'TAC: Can we not still send the missiles through?

SAM: Without a laser-painted target, they'd just fly out their fuel and crash.

EXT. THE EX-HOMEWORLD OF ISHTA'S REBEL JAFFA

[TEAL'C FINDS THE UAV AND RETRIEVES THE TRETONIN, BUT BEFORE HE CAN GIVE HIMSELF AN INJECTION, MOLOC'S JAFFA FIND HIM.]

JAFFA: Jaffa, Shel-na-kree! Kree noc Jaffa!

AUDIENCE: And howdy do to you to.

FARSCAPE FANS: Y'all really need translator microbes on this show.

AUDIENCE: No thanks, we've already got plot holes that "take care" of the translation issue.

TEAL'C: Shel-kek-nem-ron. If you know who I am, brothers, you know that there is no need to sacrifice your lives for a false god.

[A JAFFA SLAMS TEAL'C IN THE STOMACH WITH HIS STAFF WEAPON.]

JAFFA: Re-nok-Sholva!

AUDIENCE: Well, that went over well, didn't it?

[ARON ARRIVES ON THE SCENE, ATTACKING A JAFFA FROM BEHIND AND GETTING HIS STAFF WEAPON AND SHOOTS AT THE OTHER JAFFA. HE AND TEAL'C WIN, NATURALLY, AND TEAL'C FINALLY GETS TO INJECT HIS TRETONIN.]

ARON: It would have been easier, had you left me with a weapon.

AUDIENCE: Oh, you're a snarky boy, aren't you? We *like* you.

[TEAL'C OFFERS HIS THANKS, WHILE ARON ASKS IF THERE'S ANYTHING ELSE HE CAN DO TO PROVE HIS LOYALTY.]

BDSMERS: We have some... ideas.

INT. TENT ON THE EX-HOMEWORLD OF ISHTA'S REBEL JAFFA

[ISHTA IS ON THE GROUND. HER GAZE FALLS ON HER PACK. MOLOC NOTICES, AND PULLS OUT THE TRETONIN.]

MOLOC: Is this what you want? Evil serum to poison you further? Or will it give you strength enough to last a little longer? Then take it. Take it so that you may have more precious time with your god.

[HE DROPS THE TRETONIN ONTO THE FLOOR BESIDE HER. TWO JAFFA ENTER THE TENT.]

JAFFA: My Lord, word comes from Goranak. An uprising has begun. An army of two thousand is marching on your temple. They control a garrison of gliders and several Al'kesh.

MOLOC: As I have foreseen.

AUDIENCE: Oh, right, like you foresaw all this. We foresee you having to kiss your own ass goodbye.

BDSMERS: Flexible!

JAFFA: Your fleet of Ha'tak have gathered themselves in orbit. They await your command to crush this insolence.

MOLOC: I am done with this one. Trivial as it may seem, this little distraction has given me a few moments of pleasure. Use her to capture the Sholva, Teal'c. Then bring him to me.

JAFFA: Yes, My Lord.

[MOLOC LEAVES THE TENT. ISHTA PICKS UP THE TRETONIN.]

EXT. NEAR THE GATE ON THE EX-HOMEWORLD OF ISHTA'S REBEL JAFFA

[TEAL'C AND ARON ARE WATCHING THE JAFFA GUARDING THE GATE. TEAL'C GIVES HIM A SMALL LASER SIGHT, TELLING HIM TO AIM IT AT THE TARGET WHEN THE GATE OPENS, AND THE MISSILE WILL TAKE CARE OF THE REST.

ARON: You're certain your strength has sufficiently returned? This time I will not be there to come to your rescue.

TEAL'C: I assure you, this time it will not be necessary.

TEAL'C FANS: That's our boy!

BACK AT THE GATE...

[MOLOC ARRIVES AND ORDERS THE JAFFA TO OPEN THE GATE, BUT BEFORE THEY FINISH, THE GATE OPENS.]

MOLOC: Jaffa, kree-nok!

AUDIENCE: Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

INT. SGC CONTROL ROOM

[SAM CONTACTS TEAL'C VIA RADIO TO MAKE SURE THINGS ARE GOOD TO GO, BEFORE PUSHING A SHINY RED BUTTON MARKED "SHIT GO BOOM."]

WRITERS: Awww, you weren't supposed to be able to read that!

AUDIENCE: We couldn't prove it said that until just now. GOTCHA!

EXT. NEAR THE GATE ON THE EX-HOMEWORLD OF ISHTA'S REBEL JAFFA

[TEAL'C HAS TWO WEAPONS TIED TOGETHER, SO HE CAN FIRE IN BOTH DIRECTIONS, AS HE RACES TO THE TENT WHERE ISHTA IS BEING HELD.]

AUDIENCE: Is this a Star Wars homage to Darth Maul's double lightsaber?

WRITERS: Um... [harsh whisper] Hide the DVD!

AUDIENCE: Oh, don't worry. As long as you continue to keep Jar-Jar out of this... [light dawns] Wait a minute... Jar-Jar. Jonas. This might not be a coincidence.

WRITERS: You must all be destroyed.

[TWO MISSILES COME THROUGH THE GATE.]

MISSILES: Whee!

STARGATE: Two of you at once, plus I'm connected to the SGC gate? I'm such a slut, aren't I? Well, at least I'm not like that Tantric slut in the Pegasus Galaxy, going thirty-eight minutes with a jumper.

PEGASUS TANTRIC STARGATE: Don't knock it 'til you've tried it, toots. And Wraith darts are BIGger.

[TEAL'C ENTERS THE TENT TO FIND A JAFFA IS HOLDING A KNIFE TO ISHTA'S NECK. I'M GETTING TIRED OF USING THE GENERIC "JAFFA", SO THIS GUY IS GOING TO BE CALLED SKIPPY.]

SKIPPY: She is weak to the point of death. Zatting us both, even once, will kill her. Drop your weapon.

CONTINUITY GEEKS: Um, "zat" is the Tau'ri shorthand for zat'nikatel. Since when did the Jaffa start using that term?

WRITERS: Now.

[MEANWHILE, OUR SPUNKY LITTLE MISSILES HEAD BACK TOWARDS THE GATE TO MAKE SHIT GO BOOM. THE JAFFA FIRE AT THEM, BUT IT'S TOO LATE. ARON IS POINTING THE LASER TARGET AT MOLOC. HE TRIES TO BRUSH IT AWAY, THEN SEEMS TO REALIZE WHAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN, WITH AN "OH, SHIT" LOOK ON HIS FACE.]

MOLOC: [boom]

AUDIENCE: Man, you *wish* it had just been a nerve pinch now, don't you?

MEN IN THE AUDIENCE: We would have preferred a decon gel scene with Ishta and Sam, but shit going boom is better than nothing.

BACK IN THE TENT...

[THE EXPLOSION IS HEARD, AND TEAL'C TELLS THE JAFFA IT IS THE SOUND OF HIS FALSE GOD DYING.]

SKIPPY: Gods cannot be killed.

AUDIENCE: Wanna bet? We've got a list. A long list.

RA, APOPHIS, HATHOR, HERU'UR, ZIP--OH, HELL, ALL OF THEM BUT BA'AL & NUBY: Not that we're bitter.

[ISHTA TELLS TEAL'C TO SHOOT, AND HE ACTUALLY DOES, THEN WHACKS POOR, DELUDED SKIPPY UNCONSCIOUS. HE GETS OUT THE TRETONIN CARTRIDGE FOR ISHTA, BUT TELLS HIM SHE HAS TAKEN HERS. SHE ASKS IF MOLOC IS DEAD.]

TEAL'C: If you have the strength, we can see for ourselves.

[SHE MOVES INTO HIS ARMS.]

ISHTA: In a moment.

ISHTA/TEAL'C SHIPPERS: At long last! SQUEEEE!

INT. SGC GATE ROOM

[BRA'TAC IS PRESIDING OVER THE WEDDING OF RYA'C AND KAR'YN. JACK AND SAM ARE IN THEIR DRESS UNIFORMS, DANIEL'S IN A SUIT, AND TEAL'C IS IN HIS CHULAKIAN ROBES.]

JACK, SAM, DANIEL AND TEAL'C FANS: Dayum! [thud]

NOROMOS: We'd like to give a shout out to the BBE writer who decided not to include the text from the wedding. Not just for us, but to prevent anyone else from falling into a sugar coma.

BBE BETA: Word up, dudes. I wasn't looking forward to it either.

BRA'TAC: The rite is complete. May you love and fight like warriors. Just not with each other.

RYA'C AND KAR'YN: [kiss, kiss]

TEAL'C AND ISHTA: [longing gaze]

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: Sam and Jack shared a longing gaze too!

NOROMOS: No, Sam just made a face because Jack passed gas. Again. It was Mexican Night in the commissary yesterday.

SLASHERS: Did you notice Jack and Daniel were whispering to each other at the end of that scene?

WRITERS AND NOROMOS: No.

BDSMERS: We've heard that men regard neckties as nooses...

AUDIENCE: [backs away slowly]

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[TEAL'C AND RYA'C ARE WALKING, TALKING OF THE PLACE WHERE RYA'C AND KAR'YN ARE GOING FOR THE JAFFA VERSION OF A HONEYMOON.]

TEAL'C: Before your departure, there is a matter that bears discussion.

RYA'C: Father, I am aware of the ways between a man and a woman.

TEAL'C: Good. Then you are prepared for the Rite of Ornoc.

RYA'C: Surely it is not still expected?

TEAL'C: On the first Eve of Shimroa. My advice is that the knife be as sharp as possible.

RYA'C: Perhaps Kar'yn is right. Not all of the old traditions are worth holding onto.

FEMALES IN THE AUDIENCE: But apparently *something* is worth holding onto for you, eh? Wimp.

[THEY LAUGH, AND RYA'C ASKS ABOUT HIS FATHER AND ISHTA.]

TEAL'C: What of us?

RYA'C: Well, your relationship would be much easier if you'd both admit you are in love. For us all.

AUDIENCE: What are you? The Jaffa Dr. Phil?

TEAL'C: Perhaps one day, when I am as wise as you.

[THEY ENTER THE GATEROOM, WHERE ISHTA AND THE OTHER WOMEN ARE LEAVING, AS JACK MAKES SURE THEY ACTUALLY LEAVE AND TAKE ALL THE KIDS AND HORSES WITH THEM. ISHTA ASKS TO SPEAK TO TEAL'C ALONE. TEAL'C GIVES RYA'C AND KAR'YN A HUG, THEN WATCHES THEM LEAVE BEFORE SPEAKING WITH ISHTA.]

TEAL'C FANS: Awwwww. He's such a big ol' softie, iddn't he?

ISHTA: I did not wish to spoil the days of Shimroa for Rya'c and Kar'yn.

TEAL'C: What have you discovered?

ISHTA: As you predicted, another Goa'uld has claimed the domain of Moloc.

TEAL'C FANS: The phrase you're looking for, girlie, is "Correct as usual, Teal'c."

TEAL'C: Ba'al.

BA'AL FANS: Yes! That means we'll get to see more of Ba'al, right?!

WRITERS: No!

BA'AL FANS: Relax, we weren't requesting nude scenes.

WRITERS: Oh. Then yes.

BA'AL FANS: Squee! But about the nude scenes...

WRITERS: [fingers in ears]

SMUTFICCERS: We got your backs. As it were.

ISHTA: Do not wait too long to visit. We have a war to plan, among other things.

TEAL'C/ISHTA SHIPPERS: "Other things." Hee!

TEAL'C AND ISHTA: [kiss]

[ISHTA AND THE LAST OF THE FEMALE JAFFA LEAVE THROUGH THE GATE.]

FADE OUT

END CREDITS

NEXT WEEK, ENDGAME, IN WHICH *SOMEONE* FINALLY NOTICES THE GATE'S MISSING.

STARGATE: 'Bout damn time