8.10 Endgame: The Breadbox Edition

PREVIOUSLY ON STARGATE SG-1

[FLASHBACKS TO SUMMIT, AND THE INTRODUCTION OF THE POISON THAT KILLS SYMBIOTES. CHIMERA, TO ESTABLISH HOW OSIRIS GOT THE ASGARD BEAMING TECHNOLOGY. COVENANT AND AFFINITY, AND THE TRUST NONSENSE.]

WRITERS: OK, we're all caught up now.

AUDIENCE: Well, at least you've hit the highlights. Or lowlights, depending on your point of view.

INT. SGC CONTROL ROOM

[IT'S THE LATE, LATE SHOW AT THE SGC. CHEVRON GUY AND ANOTHER TECH LAMENT WORKING THE LATE SHIFT.]

CHEVRON GUY: Hey, just because it's 3 a.m. here doesn't mean it's not daylight on other planets. There could be a team coming in hot, any second now.

TECHNICIAN: Yeah, that's true.

[THEY BOTH LOOK AT THE SILENT GATE.]

STARGATE: Bow before me, and I might give you a twirl.

TECHNICIAN: So, coffee?

[THEY GO TO THE REAR OF THE CONTROL ROOM TO GET COFFEE, WITH THEIR BACKS TO THE STARGATE.]

STARGATE: Turning your backs on me?! Why you ungrateful little... You know, you'd really miss me if I were gone.

DANIEL FANS: And that better not be any of Daniel's special stash of coffee.

TECHNICIAN: Let me ask you something. When it's late at night and there's not that many people around do you ever get the urge just to dial up the gate and check out another planet, just for a few minutes?

CHEVRON GUY: That would be a no.

TECHNICIAN: Me... me... me neither.

AUDIENCE: Anyone want to lay bets on Chevron Guy checking out the gate log for when this twit's been on duty?

[A BRIGHT BEAM OF LIGHT ILLUMINATES THE ROOM.]

CHEVRON GUY: What the hell?

AUDIENCE: Ditto.

[ALARMS START GOING OFF, AND THEY TURN AROUND SLOWLY IN SHOCK.]

TECHNICIAN: The gate's gone.

CHEVRON GUY: I can see that.

TECHNICIAN: Are we gonna get in trouble for this?

STARGATE: I certainly hope so. Twits. Told you you'd really miss me if I were gone.

END TEASER

OPENING CREDITS

INT. SGC INTERROGATION ROOM

[DANIEL IS INTERVIEWING CHEVRON GUY AND THE OTHER TECHNICIAN ABOUT THE DISAPPEARANCE, WITH A VIDEO CAMERA RECORDING THE INTERVIEW. NOTHING UNUSUAL WAS SEEN OR RECORDED BY THE INSTRUMENTS WHEN THE GATE DISAPPEARED. DANIEL SWITCHES OFF THE TAPE.]

AUDIENCE: Why is Daniel doing the questioning? Shouldn't that be done by their military supervisor?

WRITERS: Um. Well. Jack's busy. And besides, it'll shut up the Daniel fans clamoring for more scenes with him.

DANIEL FANS: For a while. Now can you do something about more nekkid scenes for him? We're rather partial to those.

TECHNICIAN: So, are we going to be facing any kind of disciplinary action for this?

DANIEL: No, Sergeant, I think it's safe to say there was nothing you could have done.

TECHNICIAN: Thank God! I mean there wasn't. One minute we were getting coffee, the next minute...

DANIEL: [intense] Wait a minute, wait a minute. You were getting coffee?!

TECHNICIAN: Um... well... it's...

DANIEL FANS: Uh oh, he suspects they found his secret stash.

SLASHERS: And Jack got it especially for him!

DANIEL: I'm joking, I'm joking. It's just a joke. I'm sorry. Okay, that's all. Thank you guys, I appreciate that. Okay.

DANIEL FANS: He's got a wicked sense of humor, doesn't he?

TECHNICIAN: Yes, he does. And now I need some clean underwear.

NOT EXACTLY FANS OF DUMB!JACK: At least Daniel's still retaining his intelligence. It just *has* to be the Ancient Headsucker Thingie that ruined Jack.

SLASHERS: Headsucker. [giggle]

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[JACK AND DANIEL ARE LOOKING DOWN INTO THE NOW EMPTY GATEROOM. SAM IS SITTING AT THE TABLE, LOOKING AT A MONITOR.]

DANIEL: I'd hate to be the guy that has to explain this to the President.

JACK: [glare]

SAM: Sir, I've got the video surveillance footage.

JACK FANS, DANIEL FANS, TEAL'C FANS, SAM FANS, SHIPPERS, SLASHERS, BDSMERS: Oh, really now?

[SHE REPLAYS THE VIDEO OF THE GATE DISAPPEARING.]

JACK FANS, DANIEL FANS, TEAL'C FANS, SAM FANS, SHIPPERS, SLASHERS, BDSMERS: Damn.

STARGATE: Hey, I heard that! Ungrateful lot of you!

JACK FANS, DANIEL FANS, TEAL'C FANS, SAM FANS, SHIPPERS, SLASHERS, BDSMERS: No offense, just a general damn on the lack of the kind of video we were hoping for.

[THE BEAM OUT FLASH LOOKS LIKE AN ASGARD BEAM, BUT THERE'S NO REASON FOR THEM TO HAVE TAKEN THE GATE.]

JACK: Yeah. Usually they ask nicely before they ignore us and do whatever they damn well please.

[THEY RULE OUT THE ASGARD DESIGNED TRANSPORTS ON THE PROMETHEUS -- IT'S IN THE HANGER. THEY CONSIDER BA'AL MIGHT BE USING TECH HE GOT VIA ANUBIS.]

SAM: To be honest, right now I don't know what to think.

SNIT: Sam Carter, National Treasure, doesn't know the answer? [faint]

JACK: Well, I need some answers.

SAM: That's not going to be easy, sir. Without a gate, we have no access to offworld intel. We have no way of knowing what's going on out there.

JACK: You'll think of something. In the meantime... *I* have a phone call to make.

AUDIENCE: Good luck with that. We imagine calling up the POTUS and saying, "The gate was lost under my command," just isn't all that much fun.

[JACK HEADS TOWARD HIS OFFICE, WHILE DANIEL AND SAM SAY TEAL'C IS STILL OFFWORLD FOR A MEETING WITH REBEL JAFFA, BUT ONCE HE CAN'T REACH EARTH, HE SHOULD GO TO THE ALPHA SITE INSTEAD.]

INT. ALPHA SITE CONTROL ROOM

[TEAL'C ENTERS, DRESSED IN JAFFA ROBES. COLONEL PIERCE SAYS THEY HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO CONTACT THE SGC FOR SEVEN HOURS. THEY CAN ESTABLISH A WORMHOLE, BUT ONLY GET A "DO NOT PROCEED" MESSAGE IN RESPONSE. COLONEL PIERCE THINKS IT'S MORE THAN A REGULAR LOCKDOWN, SINCE NO ONE'S ANSWERING THE PHONE. TEAL'C WANTS TO RETURN TO THE PLANET HE JUST CAME FROM TO GET A CARGO SHIP TO GET TO EARTH.]

PIERCE: We're not jumping to conclusions. This may be just a malfunction, but it's also possible Earth has been compromised.

TEAL'C: Indeed.

INT. SGC CARTER'S LAB

[DANIEL ENTERS, ASKING SAM IF SHE'S FOUND ANYTHING.]

SNIT: Like your spine, or your sense of self worth without a man to validate you?

SAM: Yeah, as a matter of fact I have.

SNIT: Oh, we *wish* you were responding to our comment.

[SAM SAYS THERE WAS AN ANOMALOUS READING FOR TWO DAYS BEFORE THE GATE DISAPPEARED. THEY THOUGHT IT WAS DUE TO AN OVERHAUL, BUT IT'S NOT. THE SECURITY TAPE REVEALS A SCIENTIST KNEELING AT THE GATE, AND THE ANOMALY STARTED AT THAT TIME.]

DANIEL: I think we need to talk to this guy.

AUDIENCE: Ya think?

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[SAM AND DANIEL ARE REPORTING TO JACK, WHO'S READING A PERSONNEL FILE.]

SAM: Doctor Kevin Hartkins. He's been with the program seven months. Clean record, nothing out of the ordinary, except that he's gone missing.

DANIEL: He failed to report for duty this morning. We checked his apartment, it was cleaned out.

JACK: This starting to sound familiar.

AUDIENCE: We say again, ya think?

DANIEL: You think it's the Trust.

AUDIENCE: Um, duh?

SAM: Well, they've been busy lately.

AUDIENCE: Idle hands are the devil's playthings... um, wait, that doesn't work in this case. They're not exactly idle, and yet they *are* the devil's playthings.

SAM: They had Teal'c under surveillance, they blackmailed you and they tried to kill Alec Colson. Obviously, the operation is a lot bigger than we first thought. Now, as far as we know the NID has been clean for over a year. But there are still dozens of ex-agents who are unaccounted for. And they continue to receive financing from unknown sources.

AUDIENCE: Thank you Backstory Exposition Girl. And if these dozens of ex-agents are unaccounted for, how do you know they're continuing to receive financing, from sources unknown? They could be holed up at one of their parents' houses in Boise or something.

[DANIEL WONDERS WHY IF THEY COULD TAKE THE GATE AT ANY TIME, WHY DON'T THEY EMPTY THE VAULT AT FORT KNOX.]

JACK FANS, DANIEL FANS, TEAL'C FANS, SAM FANS, SHIPPERS, SLASHERS, BDSMERS: Or the stash of covert surveillance of the team. *That* could truly make them a fortune.

[SAM THEORIZES THE SIGNAL WAS A LOCATOR BEACON, TO TAG THE GATE FOR RETRIEVAL.]

JACK: So my stamp collection is safe. How does that help us find the gate?

SAM: Well, if they want to keep using the beam, they'll have to keep using the beacons. We could request NSA satellite time to see if we could detect the signal.

AUDIENCE: Are they that stupid? [...] Never mind.

EXT. STARGATE ON P4S-161

[TEAL'C ARRIVES AND FINDS MANY JAFFA LYING ON THE GROUND, DEAD. M'ZEL, ONE OF THE REBELS, COMES OUT OF THE BUSHES, AND TELLS TEAL'C THAT WHEN HE ARRIVED, EVERYONE WAS DEAD.]

M'ZEL FANS: Hottie alert!

EXT. WAREHOUSE

AUDIENCE: It's always a warehouse for the bad guys, isn't it?

WRITERS: The rent's cheap.

AUDIENCE: Double-entendre much, bad guys?

[SAM AND DANIEL ARE THERE WITH OTHER COVERT MILITARY TYPES TO RAID THE BAD GUY'S LAIR.]

AUDIENCE: Why are Sam and Daniel wearing jeans and a t-shirt with their flak jacket, while everyone else is in more military looking stuff?

DANIEL FANS: Daniel. Tight, faded jeans. Hip holster. Thigh. Strap. [thud]

AUDIENCE: Oh. *That's* why. Never mind. But why are Sam and Daniel the only ones carrying zats?

SLASHERS AND SMUTTERS: [pointed look]

AUDIENCE: Oh. *Oh.* Seriously, never mind.

[THEY BLOW OPEN THE DOOR AND TOSS IN A SMOKE GRENADE. DANIEL FINDS AN AREA CONTAINING EQUIPMENT, AND CALLS SAM OVER TO CHECK IT OUT.]

SAM: Daniel, these are VX rockets.

SNIT: So she's a rocket scientist too? Let's add that to the list.

[DANIEL PICKS UP A CYLINDER, CONTAINING A FLUORESCENT BLUE LIQUID.]

DANIEL: Yeah? What's this?

SAM: Methyl Phosphonofluoridic acid.

AUDIENCE: We *dare* you to say that five times fast.

DANIEL: Which is?

CARTER: Nerve gas.

DANIEL: Okay, putting that back.

DANIEL FANS: Good boy. We want all your parts in working order.

SLASHERS: So does Jack.

[SAM SAYS THERE'S ENOUGH TO KILL HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS, AND THEY PONDER WHY THE EX-NID IS STOCKPILING IT. A MAN APPEARS FROM BEHIND A TRUCK HOLDING A GUN, AND THE SOLDIERS FIRE ON HIM. HE RETURNS FIRE AND HITS ONE OF THE CANISTERS BEFORE SAM ZATS HIM. THE CANISTER IS LEAKING, THEY'RE ALL GONNA DIE. GAME OVER MAN, GAME OVER!]

DANIEL: Nothing's happening.

SAM: This doesn't make sense. The effects are almost instantaneous. We should all be dead.

SNIT: Guess you don't know everything, eh? Lucky for you.

DANIEL FANS: And for Daniel!

SLASHERS: And for Jack!

AUDIENCE: They had us fooled for a moment, with all those red shirts in the background, ready to die.

EXT. P4S-161

[M'ZEL HAS TAKEN TEAL'C TO A JAFFA CAMP. THE GROUND IS COVERED WITH BODIES.]

TEAL'C: [sad]

INT. SCC BRIEFING ROOM

[JACK IS LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF THE CANISTERS, ROCKETS, ETC., AS SAM AND DANIEL GIVE THEIR REPORT.]

SAM: We managed to identify the liquid we found in the warehouse. It's symbiote poison. Specifically, the new formula we were working on in conjunction with the Tok'ra. It's more stable than the original and easier to produce but just as deadly to the Goa'uld.

DANIEL: And the Jaffa.

[SAM SAYS THEY'D AGREED NOT TO USE IT, EXCEPT IN DEFENSIVE SITUATIONS, AND NOW IT APPEARS THE TRUST INTENDS TO USE IT TO LAUNCH A CHEMICAL ATTACK ON THE GOA'ULD, WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE JAFFA THAT ARE ON OUR SIDE.]

JACK: So, they didn't get the memo.

AUDIENCE: Jack, Jack, Jack. *Nobody* gets the memos in the SGC.

[DANIEL SAYS THE GUY FROM THE WAREHOUSE ISN'T TALKING, BUT HE WAS CARRYING AN AREA 51 ID BADGE.]

INT. AREA 51 OFFICES

[SAM AND DANIEL ARE IN A WAITING AREA, DRESSED IN AWFUL LOOKING TAN OVERALLS.]

SAM/DANIEL SHIPPERS: Hmmm... did they get their clothes dirty somehow? Let us ponder in the Shallow End.

[THEY SPEAK WITH A SCIENTIST NAMED BRICKSDALE, WHO'S IN CHARGE OF AREA 51.]

SAM: Well, as a result of our investigation we have reason to believe that your security has been compromised.

BRICKSDALE: With all due respect, Colonel, we're not the ones who lost the Stargate.

SNIT: He shoots, he scores!

[HE EXPLAINS THAT EVEN THOUGH THINGS HAVE GONE MISSING BEFORE, THEY'VE INCREASED SECURITY. NOTHING FROM THE OUTSIDE IS ALLOWED IN, NOT EVEN THEIR STREET CLOTHES, AND EMPLOYEES ARE SEARCHED THOROUGHLY.]

SAM/DANIEL SHIPPERS: That explains the clothes then. Hey, wait... was it a co-ed changing room? Video surveillance? Body cavity search?

SAM: Look, whoever took the Stargate has access to Asgard beam technology. Last year, when Osiris came to Earth she used that same technology which she activated remotely with a wrist device. After she was captured that wrist device was brought here, and you worked on it.

BRICKSDALE: And it's been here ever since.

DANIEL: Well, if you don't mind, we'd like to see it.

AUDIENCE: Not that we don't trust you, but we don't.

INT. ALPHA SITE CONTROL ROOM

[PIERCE REPORTS THAT THE JAFFA ON P4S-161 WERE KILLED BY THE TOK'RA SYMBIOTE POISONING. HE KNEW THE TOK'RA HAD LOST PATIENCE WITH THE ALLIANCE, BUT DIDN'T THINK THEY'D COMMIT MASS MURDER. M'ZEL ARRIVES, REPORTING THAT THREE MORE PLANETS HAVE BEEN ATTACKED, WITH MILLIONS DEAD.]

TEAL'C: [appalled]

INT. AREA 51 SECURED STORAGE ROOM

[BRICKSDALE, SAM AND DANIEL CHECK OUT OSIRIS' WRIST DEVICE, TO MAKE SURE IT'S (A) THERE, AND (B) REAL. IT'S BOTH, AND BRICKMAN SAYS THEY TRIED TO USE IT TO GAIN ACCESS TO OSIRIS' SHIP, BUT WEREN'T ABLE TO.]

DANIEL: So the ship is probably still in orbit but cloaked.

NOROMOS: We have another ship in mind we wish would remain cloaked. Or on a direct course to the sun.

SAM: In which case, we have no way to find it.

SNIT: Oh, come on, Miss National Treasure can do *anything*!

INT. ALPHA SITE CONTROL ROOM

[M'ZEL IS SWEARING REVENGE AGAINST THE TOK'RA, BUT PIERCE POINTS OUT THEY'VE HAD THE WEAPON FOR A LONG TIME, SO WHY WOULD THEY START USING IT NOW, AND ISN'T IT *QUITE* THE COINCIDENCE THIS HAPPENING WHEN THEY CAN'T CONTACT EARTH?]

AUDIENCE: Wow. He has a brain. Can we keep him?

[TEAL'C WANTS TO TALK TO THE TOK'RA DIRECTLY. TEAL'C AND M'ZEL DECIDE TO VISIT A WORLD WHERE TEAL'C KNOWS THERE'S STILL A TOK'RA OPERATIVE. PIERCE POINTS OUT THERE'S NO FRIENDLY JAFFA TO HELP THEM, SO HOW DO THEY PLAN TO AVOID CAPTURE?]

TEAL'C: We do not.

PIERCE: What?

AUDIENCE: Yeah, we really wanna keep this one. [looks at writers, who are sharpening their pens to kill off Pierce to get an audience reaction] Um... no, wait. Pierce? Yuck, ptooie. No likey. Bleh.

[M'ZEL AND TEAL'C SAY THE ONLY WAY TO CONTACT THE TOK'RA OPERATIVE IS TO BE CAPTURED.]

PIERCE: You realize the second you walk through that gate you're on your own.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, he's too smart to live, isn't he? [looks worriedly at the writers] Um... Yuck, ptooie. No likey. Bleh.

EXT. EARTH WAREHOUSE AREA

[BRICKSDALE MEETS WITH HOSKINS, SAYING HE CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.]

SLASHERS: [perk]

HOSKINS: You've already taken the money, Doctor. A little late for cold feet.

SLASHERS: Money was exchanged? Bricksdale, you hor!

[BRICKSDALE EXPLAINS ABOUT TWO PEOPLE FROM THE SGC CAME TO SEE HIM ABOUT THE WRIST DEVICE.]

HOSKINS: And you arranged a meeting with me?

AUDIENCE: Um, duh, you're there, aren't you? Who's stupider, the man who arranged the meeting, or the man who showed up for the meeting?

[A BLACK VAN COMES DOWN THE ALLEY TOWARDS THEM.]

HOSKINS: You were followed.

AUDIENCE: What was your first clue?

[HOSKINS FIRES AT THE ARMED MEN EXITING THE VAN. AS THEY RETURN FIRE, HE SHOOTS OUT THE LOCK ON THE DOOR TO THE BUILDING AND GOES INSIDE. ANOTHER VAN ARRIVES, AND BRICKSDALE SURRENDERS TO ONE TEAM AS THE SECOND GOES INTO THE BUILDING AFTER HOSKINS.]

SOLDIER: Nobody fire, we need him alive.

AUDIENCE: Can't you just wing him?

FIREFLY FANS: The Bible is rather fuzzy about kneecaps, you know.

[HOSKINS GOES OUT ON THE ROOF, THEN JUMPS OFF INTO ANOTHER ALLEY. HE ACTIVATES A DEVICE, JUST AS SAM ARRIVES TO ZAT HIM. SHE PICKS UP THE BEEPING DEVICE, THEN IS BEAMED AWAY.]

SNIT: Note to Sam: Picking up unknown beeping items isn't generally a good idea. Neither is wearing a tight, shiny leather vest on a mission.

FARSCAPE FANS: Hey, it *is* doable.

INT. OSIRIS' SHIP

[SAM MATERIALIZES AND IS IMMEDIATELY ZATTED BY JENNINGS.]

AUDIENCE: Duh. Like they're not going to notice someone beaming onboard.

SNIT: [smokes cigarettes] Was it good for anyone else? No? Just us? Hmmm. Strangely, we're kinda OK with that.

[JENNINGS ALERTS A COHORT, BROOKES, ABOUT THEIR GUEST, AND TELLS HER TO TAKE A LOCATOR BEACON DOWN TO HOSKINS' LAST POSITION. WE SEE THE STARGATE, WITH ONE OF THE ROCKETS AIMED TOWARDS IT.]

STARGATE: I'm being held hostage! Somebody save me! [...] Damn, I feel like I've fallen into a "Perils of Pauline" thriller. All we need now is a train on the tracks, headed straight for me...

WRITERS: No, too sexual, can't have that.

NOROMOS: Like the sleeveless tight shirts aren't?

WRITERS: Hey, people get *hot* sometimes!

AUDIENCE: These people are already *hot*, they don't need to run around sleeveless and in Sam's case, out of uniform, to prove they're hot.

WRITERS: But you *like* the Arm Porn! You said!

AUDIENCE: In small doses, combined with a *plot*. Do you even remember what those are?

WRITERS: You mean like a burial plot?

AUDIENCE: You don't know how close you are.

INT. P3S-114 THRONE ROOM

[ZARIN, THE TOK'RA OPERATIVE, IS SITTING ON A THRONE WHEN THREE JAFFA ENTER AND SAY THEY'VE CAPTURED TWO ENEMY JAFFA, AND ONE IS THE SHOL'VA, TEAL'C. ZARIN ORDERS THEM BROUGHT TO HER.]

INT. SGC INTERROGATION ROOM

[DANIEL IS QUESTIONING BRICKSDALE ABOUT SAM'S LOCATION, BUT BRICKSDALE SAYS HE DOESN'T KNOW. DANIEL INDICATES THE SECURITY GUARDS SHOULD LEAVE, THEN SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE ACROSS FROM BRICKSDALE.]

DANIEL FANS: Ooooh, are we going to see Forceful!Daniel?

DANIEL: You're going to need to start cooperating.

BRICKSDALE: I can't!

BDSMERS: Do we need to point out the need for a safe word in role-play?

REST OF THE AUDIENCE: No.

BDSMERS: Damn.

DANIEL: A decorated officer in the United States Air Force and a member of one of our government's most top-secret organizations is missing, and you're implicated. I don't think you're going to just walk away from this.

SNIT: And National Treasure, don't forget that one. We certainly can't.

[BRICKSDALE SAYS THE PEOPLE HE'S WORKING FOR WILL KILL HIM, WHILE DANIEL ASSURES HIM THEY CAN PROTECT HIM, BUT BRICKSDALE AIN'T BUYING.]

DANIEL: And we can also choose to ignore your two million dollar Cayman Island account.

BRICKSDALE: [shocked]

AUDIENCE: We think you may have hit upon a selling point.

DANIEL: Didn't think we'd find out about that, huh?

BRICKSDALE: So if I help you, I can keep the money?

DANIEL: We could come to an arrangement.

DANIEL FANS: Note that he *didn't* say that he could keep the money, but just implied it. Smarty pants.

J/D SLASHERS: If it costs millions just to turn on the lights at the SGC, and Daniel just found 2 million, does that mean Jack owes him? [...] So... blowjobs or bottoming for a month?

INT. P3S-114 THRONE ROOM

[TEAL'C AND M'ZEL ARE BROUGHT TO ZARIN. SHE ORDERS THE JAFFA TO LEAVE.]

ZARIN: Are you mad? What are you doing here?

AUDIENCE: They are *quite* mad, we assure you.

[ZARIN REMINDS THEM THEY'VE PUT THEM ALL IN DANGER WITH THEIR ARRIVAL.]

TEAL'C: Are you not in control of this garrison?

ZARIN: I am. And as such, it is my responsibility to see to it that you are tortured for information. Until such time that Ba'al arrives to witness your execution.

TEAL'C AND M'ZEL: [eyebrows raised]

BDSMERS: Safe. Word.

INT. SGC INTERROGATION ROOM

[DANIEL IS STILL QUESTIONING BRICKSDALE.]

BRICKSDALE: You said Colonel Carter is missing? Well, she's probably on the ship.

NOROMOS: Isn't she always?

[HE FINALLY ADMITS THAT HE ACCIDENTALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO USE THE WRIST DEVICE, BUT DIDN'T TELL HIS BOSSES. HE BEAMED THE OTHERS UP USING THE LOCATOR BEACONS.]

BRICKSDALE: Well, the beam was the only thing that worked without the command codes. That's where you came in.

DANIEL: Translation. [light dawns]

CONTINUITY GEEKS: We *knew* that would come back again!

[BRICKSDALE SAYS ONCE THEY GOT DANIEL TO TRANSLATE THE CODES, THEY DIDN'T NEED HIM. THEY BEGAN KEEPING PEOPLE ON OSIRIS' SHIP 24/7, FIGURING OUT HOW THINGS WORKED.]

DANIEL: Can you get the wrist device to work again?

BRICKSDALE: Absolutely.

INT. OSIRIS' SHIP CARGO HOLD

[SAM WAKES UP, WITH HER ARMS TIED BEHIND HER BACK.]

SNIT: Can we recommend a gag too? We think you might need it. We think so, anyway.

BDSMERS: We've got some handy, if you need one. Or more.

[BROOKES AND HOSKINS ARE PREPPING TO LAUNCH ANOTHER MISSILE THROUGH THE GATE. THEY NOTICE SAM IS AWAKE.]

HOSKINS: Colonel Carter. Welcome aboard.

SAM: Where are we?

HOSKINS: We're in a polar orbit around the moon. Cloaked, of course.

SAM: This is the ship Osiris left behind.

SNIT: Clue Bus, arriving for Sam Carter.

HOSKINS: We really have to thank you. If you hadn't have caught her we never would have had this opportunity.

SNIT: Hah!

[THEY GO THROUGH THE USUAL "THEY'RE GONNA GET YOU, NO THEY WON'T" CRAP. HOSKINS SAYS THEY'RE AT MINIMAL POWER, SO THEY *MIGHT* BE FOUND IN A YEAR OR SO, BUT WHAT THEY'RE DOING WON'T TAKE LONG.]

SAM: You're going to launch a chemical attack against the Goa'uld.

JENNINGS: We already have. We're starting with Ba'al's territory, since he's the most immediate threat right now.

SAM: You realize you're killing millions of innocent Jaffa.

HOSKINS: Spare me, Colonel. The Jaffa are a race of warriors, bred specifically to serve the Goa'uld and enslave humans throughout the galaxy.

SAM: They're indoctrinated from childhood to believe that the Goa'uld are their gods. They don't have a choice.

JENNINGS: So they're just following orders, right? Where have I heard that argument before?

SAM: What about the rebel Jaffa? They're growing in numbers every day.

JENNINGS: We consider them acceptable losses.

HOSKINS: It's very simple, Colonel. Earth faces an imminent threat and we have a weapon that can eliminate that threat. We intend to use it.

[THE ROCKET IS READY TO LAUNCH TO P3S-114.]

AUDIENCE: Hey, isn't that...

INT. P3S-114 THRONE ROOM

AUDIENCE: Oh. Crap.

M'ZEL FANS: We knew it was too good to last.

[ZARIN SAYS SHE WOULD HAVE TO ABANDON HER MISSION TO ALLOW THEM TO LIVE. M'ZEL SAYS SHE NEEDS TO WORRY MORE ABOUT HER OWN LIFE, AND TRIES TO CHOKE HER BEFORE TEAL'C STOPS HIM. ZARIN FINALLY GETS AROUND TO ASKING WHY THEY'RE THERE.]

TEAL'C: The Tok'ra have been using symbiote poison against the Goa'uld. Jaffa of three worlds have been annihilated thus far.

ZARIN: Impossible.

SNIT: So you went to the Sam Carter School of Thought, eh?

M'ZEL: We have seen it with our own eyes. An entire Jaffa army lying dead on the ground with no wounds, no signs of battle. How do you explain this?

ZARIN: I cannot. But I can assure you that the Tok'ra are not responsible. If these attacks had been planned I would have been informed.

TEAL'C AND M'ZEL: [ponder]

INT. OSIRIS' SHIP CARGO HOLD

[THE STARGATE OPENS, AND THEY PREPARE TO LAUNCH THE MISSILE.]

SAM: You can't do this. It's murder.

JENNINGS: That's where you're wrong, Colonel. It's war.

ROCKET: Wheee!

STARGATE: It's *not* my fault!

INT. P3S-114 THRONE ROOM

ROCKET: Boom!

[A JAFFA REPORTS TO ZARIN THAT A WEAPON WAS FIRED THROUGH THE GATE AND EXPLODED OVER THE SEA.]

ZARIN: [dies]

TEAL'C: Brothers, we must leave immediately.

[ZARIN'S JAFFA RIGHTLY THINK THEY'RE RESPONSIBLE, AND AIMS WEAPONS AT THEM.]

M'ZEL: [ow]

ZARIN'S JAFFA: [ow]

M'ZEL: I die free!

M'ZEL FANS: And hot. [sigh] Well, it was fun while it lasted.

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

[PENDERGAST AND CREW ARE SEARCHING FOR OSIRIS' SHIP.]

INT. SGC INTERROGATION ROOM

[DANIEL BRINGS THE WRIST DEVICE TO BRICKSDALE, TELLING HIM TO MAKE IT WORK.]

INT. OSIRIS' SHIP CARGO HOLD

[THE NEXT TARGET IS P5R-357, BUT SAM TELLS THEM NOT TO BOTHER, BA'AL ABANDONED IT SIX MONTHS AGO WHEN THE MINES WENT DRY.]

JENNINGS: She's lying.

AUDIENCE: Ya think?

SAM: Go ahead. Waste another rocket, that's one less planet you'll be able to destroy.

[TWEEDLEDUM AND TWEEDLEDUMMER PONDER THAT SHE HAS MORE UP-TO-DATE INTELLIGENCE, AND TELL HER SHE SHOULD SELECT THE OPTIMAL TARGETS TO GET THIS OVER WITH QUICKLY.]

SAM: I don't know as much as you think.

SNIT: Oh, too easy. Where would we even *begin*?

[THEY DECIDE TO GO TO THE NEXT PLANET ON THE LIST.]

INT. SGC CONTROL ROOM

[SILER'S HELPING DANIEL PREP FOR A MISSION, AS JACK ENTERS.]

JACK: All right, tell me again why I should agree to this?

SLASHERS: Because you'll be sleeping on the couch if you don't?

DANIEL: Because it's the only way we have to get on the ship, and if they've changed the command codes I'm the one who has the best chance to decipher the Ancient symbols.

DANIEL FANS: Oooooh, he gets to use his language skills as part of the plot. Kewl.

JACK: And if there are ten armed goons when you get there you're the one that's gonna get... [makes a slashing motion across his throat]

DANIEL: Better ideas?

JACK: [...]

SILER: [...]

WRITERS: [...]

JACK: Look, Daniel, just because I don't have a better idea is no reason to do anything.

DANIEL: [puzzled]

JACK: [even more puzzled]

NOROMOS: Doesn't sound all that worried about Sammikins, does he?

S/J SHIPPERS: He has to put on a brave front for the job.

J/D SLASHERS: Nah, he's more worried about Daniel being hurt than Sam being kidnapped.

DANIEL: Look, once I shut down the cloak, Prometheus will be able to pinpoint the ship's location. Then all I'll have to do is disable the hyper-drive and wait for the cavalry. They'll never see it coming.

JACK: Which is one of the advantages of a totally insane idea.

DANIEL: Yeah, where did I learn that from?

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS AND FRIENDSHIPPERS: Heh.

[SILER GIVES DANIEL THE WRIST DEVICE, AND DANIEL ACTIVATES A ZAT. THE CAMERA ANGLE LINES UP THE VERY PHALLIC WEAPON DANIEL'S HOLDING DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF JACK.]

SLASHERS: [cackle until they pass out]

DANIEL: See you soon.

SLASHERS: [whimpering from the floor]

[DANIEL BEAMS OUT.]

INT. OSIRIS' SHIP BRIDGE

[DANIEL ARRIVES IN AN EMPTY ROOM, AND TRIES TO ACCESS THE COMPUTER, BUT NO LUCK. HE KEEPS TRYING, BUT NOTHING WORKS.]

DANIEL: Fine!

[HE OPENS UP A DRAWER WITH THE POWER CRYSTALS, FIRES THE ZAT TO SHUT DOWN THE POWER SYSTEM AND THE SHIP DECLOAKS.]

COMPUTER USERS: Wish we could do that with our computers!

COMPUTER TECHS: RTFM!

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

COMM OFFICER: Sir, there's Klingons on the starboard... er... we have something, definitely a ship. Bearing's 157 by 229. 500,000 kilometers.

PENDERGAST: Battle stations. Plot an intercept course.

[PENDERGAST CONTACTS JACK, TELLING HIM DANIEL PULLED IT OFF.]

DANIEL FANS: Pulled it off? Where? When? What'd we miss?

AUDIENCE: The *mission*.

DANIEL FANS: Oh, *that*.

INT. OSIRIS' SHIP CARGO HOLD

[THE THREE STOOGES FIGURE OUT THE CLOAK IS DOWN. HOSKINS AND BROOKES LEAVE JENNINGS BEHIND TO KEEP AN EYE ON SAM.]

SNIT: Look in her in the eyes. Fall prey to the power of the Doe Eyes of Death. End of story. Another one bites the dust.

INT. OSIRIS' SHIP CORRIDOR

[DANIEL'S MOVING DOWN A CORRIDOR, ZAT AT THE READY.]

DANIEL FANS: We're having mental pictures here...

AUDIENCE: You've gone to the Bad Place again, haven't you?

DANIEL FANS: Yes, oh yes. But really, we never leave.

[DANIEL IS ZATTED FROM BEHIND.]

DANIEL FANS: You bastards!

[HOSKINS ORDERS BROOKES TO GET BACK TO THE BRIDGE AND GET THE CLOAK ONLINE WHILE HE STAYS WITH DANIEL.]

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

[THE PROMETHEUS IS IN WEAPONS RANGE, BUT IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE THE OTHER SHIP HAS NOTICED THEM YET.]

AUDIENCE: How could they miss the most butt ugly ship in the known universe?

PROMETHEUS: Hey, I resemble that remark! Er, *resent* that remark! [fume]

COMM OFFICER: Still no signal from Doctor Jackson.

PENDERGAST (into radio): General O'Neill, we have a problem. The ship's cloak is down, sir, but Doctor Jackson is yet to confirm whether he has disabled the hyperdrive or not.

INT. SGC CONTROL ROOM

JACK: Just give him a little more time.

SLASHERS: He's used to giving Daniel all the time he needs, isn't he?

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

PENDERGAST (into radio): Right now, sir, they are sitting ducks. If they spot us they can run and we won't be able to catch them. We can't afford to let them get away, General. I recommend we open fire immediately.

[JACK DOESN'T ANSWER, EVEN AFTER PENDERGAST ASKS A SECOND TIME.]

SLASHERS: He doesn't want to risk killing his true love!

S/J SHIPPERS: Yeah, Sam's on that ship!

SNIT: Sam's *always* on that ship. Oh, wait, you mean Osiris' ship this time, right?

NOROMOS: Any chance of *us* taking over Osiris' ship and getting the hell away from the rest of the ships around here, Prometheus included?

PROMETHEUS: [sniff] I feel so unloved.

STARGATE: Get used to it, toots.

INT. OSIRIS' SHIP BRIDGE

[BROOKES DISCOVERS THE DAMAGE DANIEL DID TO THE CRYSTALS.]

AUDIENCE: We're pretty sure there's no extended warranty on that.

INT. OSIRIS' SHIP CARGO HOLD

[DANIEL SITS DOWN NEXT TO SAM AND THEY EXCHANGE WRY GRINS.]

JENNINGS: Where the hell did he come from?

HOSKINS: He had the wrist device.

[THEY QUICKLY RULE OUT THE CHANCE OF THERE BEING MORE PEOPLE ONBOARD, SINCE THE WRIST DEVICE ONLY LETS ONE PERSON AT A TIME USE IT. BROOKES CONTACTS THEM VIA RADIO, TELLING THEM THE CLOAK'S DISABLED, AND SHE DOESN'T KNOW IF SHE CAN GET IT BACK ONLINE.]

HOSKINS: This position is compromised. We need to get out of here now.

JENNINGS: What about them?

HOSKINS: We can't take them with us.

DANIEL: I don't mind going for a little ride.

CARTER: Me neither.

[HOSKINS AIMS A ZAT AT THEM.]

HOSKINS: Sorry about this, Doctor Jackson.

SNIT: But not sorry to Carter, eh?

[THE GATE ACTIVATES.]

STARGATE: (singing) Here I come to save the day!

[ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE, AS DANIEL AND SAM USE THE DISTRACTION TO FIGHT BACK, AND TEAL'C RADIOS THROUGH THE GATE, TRYING TO MAKE CONTACT WITH EARTH. DURING THE FIGHT, DANIEL MANAGES TO GRAB HOSKINS' RADIO, AND TELLS TEAL'C TO COME THROUGH THE GATE, THEY NEED HELP. HOSKINS TRIES TO ZAT DANIEL, BUT TEAL'C ARRIVES THROUGH THE GATE AND SHOOTS HOSKINS WITH HIS STAFF WEAPON.]

SAM: Does somebody want to untie me?

SNIT: Is this a trick question?

BDSMERS: And your safe word is?

INT. OSIRIS' SHIP BRIDGE

[AFTER NOT GETTING A RESPONSE BACK FROM HER PARTNERS IN CRIME, BROOKES WORKS AT THE CONSOLE.]

INT. OSIRIS' SHIP CARGO HOLD

[DANIEL IS UNTYING SAM, AND THEY HEAR THE ENGINES POWER UP.]

SAM: She's bringing the hyperdrive online. Get to the gate.

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

[THE CREW REALIZES THE SHIP IS TRYING TO MAKE A RUN FOR IT, SO PENDERGAST ASKS JACK WHAT TO DO.]

JACK (via radio): Can you disable the ship without destroying it?

PENDERGAST: I cannot give you any guarantees.

INT. OSIRIS' SHIP CARGO HOLD

[SAM FINDS THE BEACON DEVICE IN JENNINGS' POCKET AND ACTIVATES IT.]

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

[THE COMM OFFICER PICKS UP THE LOCATOR BEACON, AND PENDERGAST ORDERS THE TRANSPORTER ACTIVATED, JUST AS THE OTHER SHIP LAUNCHES INTO HYPERDRIVE.]

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

COMM OFFICER: The ship's gone, sir.

PENDERGAST (into radio): Cargo bay, report.

VOICE OVER RADIO: This is cargo bay. We have the gate, sir, as well as Teal'c, Colonel Carter and Doctor Jackson.

PENDERGAST: Teal'c?

TEAL'C FANS: He's wondering if someone forgot he was on the mission, since he's been blending into the wallpaper so much.

[PENDERGAST REPORTS BACK TO JACK THAT THEY HAVE THE GATE AND SG-1 ABOARD. JACK TELLS HIM TO BRING THEM HOME, THEN BREATHES A SIGH OF RELIEF.]

NOROMOS: Can we just skip over the debate over who the sigh of relief was for? Thanksbunches.

FOURGY FANS: It was for all of them!

NOROMOS: [headdesk]

INT. SGC GATE ROOM

[THE GATE IS BACK IN PLACE.]

SAM: The good news is, the gate is fully operational again. We can resume offworld missions immediately.

STARGATE: I'm back, baybee!!!

AUDIENCE: Offworld missions through the gate? You can do that?

DANIEL: And the bad news is, the Trust now has a fully functional Goa'uld Alkesh.

AUDIENCE: But it's near the end of the manufacturer's warranty, so it'll break down in no time.

[SAM SAYS THEY'VE INSTALLED JAMMING DEVICES AROUND THE GATE, TO PREVENT LOCATOR BEAMS FROM BEING USED AGAIN, BUT THE TRUST STILL HAS ENOUGH OF THE TOK'RA POISON TO WIPE OUT HALF A DOZEN GOA'ULD WORLDS.]

DANIEL: In retrospect, maybe you should have destroyed the ship when you had the chance.

NOROMOS: Oh, we're *all* for destroying the ship.

JACK: Yeah. Tough choice.

[JACK EXITS, LEAVING SAM, DANIEL AND TEAL'C LOOKING AFTER HIM.]

S/J SHIPPERS: He couldn't risk loving his true love.

J/D SLASHERS: Damn straight, if you'll pardon the pun.

FOURGY FANS: We'll *we* are certainly feeling the love.

FADE OUT

CLOSING CREDITS

NEXT WEEK, GEMINI, IN WHICH SAM GETS A DOUBLE, AND LOSES BOTH HER SPINE AND HER BRAIN AT THE SAME TIME.

SAM FANS: Twice the Sam, twice the fun!

MALES IN THE PREFERRED DEMOGRAPHIC: Twice the T&A! Kewl!

SNIT: DoubleMint Carters? Engh. We'll bring extra snacks, because we just *know* we're going to be throwing something at the screen