8.11 Gemini: The Breadbox Edition

TEASER

[WE GET A PREVIOUSLY ON STARGATE SG-1 FOR REPLICATORS 101.]

SPOILER WHORES: We think Sam needs to watch Replicators 101 again.

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[DANIEL AND SAM ARE DISCUSSING TEST FLIGHTS ON THE PROMETHEUS' NEW ASGARD HYPERDRIVE. EVERYTHING'S READY FOR A TRIP TO THE PEGASUS GALAXY. DANIEL RILLY, RILLY, RILLY WANTS TO GO.]

DANIEL: It's Atlantis. It's... everything we've been working for for seven and a half years.

SAM: I know what you mean. Unfortunately, I think General O'Neill has other ideas.

SLASHERS: Oh, we're sure he does!

DANIEL: Let me guess, he says he needs you here.

S/J SHIPPERS: Squee!

SNIT: And of course *she's* the only consideration.

SAM: His exact words were, "Over my dead body." But, I was actually talking about the three of us, you, me and Teal'c. He might be persuaded to let one of us go.

DANIEL: And you'd be okay if that was me?

SNIT AND DANIEL FANS: How interesting that he feels he needs to ask the question.

SAM: Of course, Daniel. You are the expert on the Ancients.

SNIT: While she's the expert on Damn Near Everything Else.

[AN OFFWORLD ACTIVATION ALARM SOUNDS.]

INT. SGC CONTROL ROOM

[JACK AND SAM ARRIVE. CHEVRON GUY REPORTS THEY'RE RECEIVING AN IDC, BUT IT'S AN OLD CODE, BELONGING TO ONE SAMANTHA CARTER. THE WORDS "SEND MALP" APPEAR ON THE SCREEN.]

SAM: Sir, I think we'd better check this out.

SNIT SPOILER WHORES: Can we not, and say we did?

[THEY SEND A MALP THROUGH, DISCUSSING THAT THE ONLY THING THEY KNOW ABOUT THE GATE ADDRESS IS THAT IT'S ON THE OUTER EDGE OF OUR GALAXY. THE MALP ARRIVES, BUT THE SCREENS STAY BLACK. THEY SWITCH TO INFRARED, AND SEE SOMEONE WALKING CLOSER TO THE MALP. THEY TURN ON THE REGULAR LIGHT AND SEE... SAM.]

SNIT: Oh crap. We'll be in the car.

BOUNCERS: Sorry, due to a toxic waste spill in the parking lot, we're unable to permit anyone to leave.

SNIT: This looks pretty toxic too. We'll take our chances.

END TEASER

OPENING CREDITS

INT. SGC CONTROL ROOM

JACK: All right, you've got our attention. Who are you?

REPLICARTER: My name is Samantha Carter.

JACK: All right, we've got a little conflict with that statement. We've already got one here.

SNIT: One is more than enough.

REPLICARTER: There are two of us.

JACK: If only.

S/J SHIPPERS: Squee!

MÉNAGE FANS: This opens up whole new venues...

[THEY KEEP QUESTIONING THE SECOND SAM, AND DISCOVER THAT SHE'S A REPLICATOR, MADE BY FIFTH.]

REPLICARTER: No doubt you are surprised by my arrival in your galaxy. I come in advance of the others but they will be here soon.

TEAL'C: For what reason have you contacted us?

REPLICARTER: I need your help. I wish to be destroyed. You have a weapon capable of severing the keron pathways that link my individual cells. The effect would be instantaneous and painless.

AUDIENCE: OK, can we just call this now? She's only pretending to want to die in order to spy on them, and will turn on them and try to take over.

WRITERS: [sputter] How did you guess that?

AUDIENCE: We've watched this thing called "television" a few times.

SNIT: Honest to gosh, guys, we *totally* have protective gear we can put on between here and our cars. Back hip pocket, you can check.

BOUNCERS: [glare]

SNIT: Can we at least get some snacks? Maybe throw some at the TV now and again?

PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER THE SHOW: We think we're gonna need a bigger broom.

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[JACK, SAM AND TEAL'C DISCUSS REPLICARTER'S NEWS THAT THE REPLICATORS ARE COMING TO EARTH.]

SAM: I think it might be personal, Sir.

JACK: Personal. In what way?

SAM: While Fifth may lead an army of incredibly advanced machines, deep down he's emotionally immature, like an adolescent boy. And... he has... feelings for me.

NOROMOS: Feelings? Again with the feelings for Sam.

SNIT: Oh yes, it's All About Sam. Just not the kick ass Sam we had there for a while.

JACK: Would that be why he created one in your image?

SAM: I imagine so, yes, Sir.

BDSMERS: You don't have much imagination.

[TEAL'C SAYS IF THE REPLICATORS CAN IMPERSONATE SPECIFIC PEOPLE, IT COULD BE A SECURITY THREAT, BUT SAM ASSURES HIM IT WOULD ONLY BE A PROBLEM OFFWORLD, AS THE SCANS WOULD DETECT THEM IF THEY CAME THROUGH THE GATE, AND THEY HAVE THE WEAPON TO DESTROY THEM.]

JACK: Well, we've got the disrupter. I say we give her what she wants.

SAM: I think that may be a little hasty, Sir.

SAM FANS: Sam, we've got a *really* bad feeling about this.

AUDIENCE: So do we.

SNIT: Don't *even* get us started. But we've got rotten fruit on standby.

PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER THE SHOW: Can we *please* stick to dry stuff? It's a lot easier to clean up. Though anything is better than all the drool we normally have to clean up. Damn near need to just hose the place out if there's an abundance of Arm Porn.

SAM: I'm not saying we don't do it. I'm just suggesting that we talk to her first. If Fifth really is coming to this galaxy, she could provide us with valuable intelligence. It's pretty clear they've had some kind of falling out.

TEAL'C: Unless it is a ruse.

TEAL'C FANS: Teal'c's ever so smart. [looks at the writers] Don't kill him, you bastards!

WRITERS: We probably won't, just because he scares the hell out of us. Not to mention his fans.

SAM: If something goes wrong, we pull the trigger. Either way, I think we need to meet her face to face.

AUDIENCE: Um, why? The MALP is working just fine. Talk to her that way, and it won't compromise security.

WRITERS: But where's the fun in that?

AUDIENCE: [headdesk]

[JACK AGREES, BUT THE MEETING WILL TAKE PLACE AT THE ALPHA SITE, WITH MINIMUM PERSONNEL, MOSTLY SECURITY.]

AUDIENCE: Oh yeah, let's compromise the Alpha Site, instead of some planet with no strategic significance. Are we *sure* Jack's a general now?

NOT FANS OF DUMB!JACK: Sometimes he's a general jackass...

INT. ALPHA SITE GATE ROOM

[TEAL'C IS HOLDING THE DISRUPTER, WHILE OTHER GUARDS STAND AT THE READY. REPLICARTER ARRIVES VIA THE GATE.]

REPLICARTER: I know you. Your name is Teal'c.

TEAL'C: You have been given Samantha Carter's memories.

REPLICARTER: Yes.

TEAL'C: But you are not Samantha Carter.

SNIT: No, this one has a spine. And uses her brain. And does more for the story than giving Jack DEOD. [...] You know, we actually kinda like her, 'cept for that whole "evil and going to kill us all" thing.

[TEAL'C ORDERS HER TOWARDS THE DOOR.]

REPLICARTER: You're not going to use the weapon?

TEAL'C: Colonel Carter wishes to speak with you first. But know this, if you make one false move, I will destroy you.

AUDIENCE: Can we just skip all of that and just destroy her?

WRITERS: What's the fun in that?

AUDIENCE: [sigh]

INT. ALPHA SITE INTERROGATION ROOM

[REPLICARTER ENTERS THE ROOM, BUT SAM'S NOT THERE, BUT IS ELSEWHERE ON THE BASE. SHE'S WATCHING VIA A CAMERA, AND COMMUNICATING VIA AN INTERCOM.]

AUDIENCE: And why is this any different than communicating via the MALP?

WRITERS: Just wait.

AUDIENCE: [whine] Do we *have* to?

[SAM SAYS SHE'S NOT GOING TO MEET WITH HER FACE TO FACE, AT LEAST NOT YET.]

REPLICARTER: I thought you would shoot me the second I stepped through the gate.

SAM: Maybe you over-estimated our fear of you.

REPLICARTER: Or under-estimated your curiosity.

SNIT: Or her stupidity.

REPLICARTER: I understand you more than you know, Sam. I don't just have your memories, I have your thought patterns. My mind was modeled after yours.

SAM: Is that why you left Fifth?

REPLICARTER: You know me as well as I know you.

SAM: If Fifth created you to be like me, he must have known that this would happen.

REPLICARTER: Not at first.

[REPLICARTER GOES THROUGH A POOR LITTLE ME ROUTINE, SAYING THAT FIFTH TRIED TO ISOLATE PARTS OF SAM'S MEMORIES, TO REPROGRAM HER THE WAY HE WANTED. BUT FIFTH DIDN'T REALIZE THAT WHAT DREW HIM TO SAM WAS INSEPARABLE FROM THE THINGS THAT MADE HER REJECT HIM. SHE REJECTED HIM TOO, AND NOW THE PISSED OFF FIFTH AND HIS BRETHREN ARE ON THE WAY, AND EARTH CAN'T STOP HIM.]

SAM: We have the disrupter and the Asgard can amplify its effects to prevent a large-scale attack. REPLICARTER: You're wrong. Fifth made adjustments to himself and all the other Replicators except me. They're now immune to your disrupter. They're coming and you can't stop them.

INT. SGC CONTROL ROOM

[SAM'S REPORTING BACK TO JACK, WHO QUESTIONS WHETHER OR NOT REPLICARTER IS BLUFFING.]

SAM: Anything's possible at this point, but I don't see what she has to gain by it. She doesn't want Fifth to succeed any more than we do.

JACK: Yeah, so she says.

SAM: If she's lying, we don't have a problem.

JACK: Why would he make all the other bugs immune to the disrupter, but not her?

NOT FANS OF DUMB!JACK: Jack had an intelligent thought!

SAM: Maybe he wanted her to feel inferior. Or, he wanted her to be afraid of us. Maybe he... he anticipated that she would come to me for help.

JACK: Carter, if that weapon doesn't work...

[SAM SAYS THEY'LL HAVE TO CONTACT THOR TO REENGINEER THE WEAPON, BUT MEANWHILE THEY SHOULD CONTINUE QUESTIONING REPLICARTER. JACK REMINDS HER HOW THINGS MUST END.]

AUDIENCE: Badly?

SAM FANS: We're afraid that's going to be the case. [worry]

INT. ALPHA SITE INTERROGATION ROOM

[REPLICARTER IS SITTING AT A TABLE, WHILE TEAL'C STANDS NEARBY, AIMING THE DISRUPTER AT HER. HE ASKS QUESTIONS ABOUT FIFTH'S PLANS, BUT SHE CLAIMS NOT TO KNOW ANYTHING, BECAUSE SHE HAD TO SEVER HER CONNECTION TO THE COLLECTIVE TO ESCAPE.]

SAM (from speaker): If you don't want to see Fifth succeed, you'll help us.

REPLICARTER: I can't. I can't betray my own kind but I can't be like them, either. (to Teal'c) Do what you came here to do.

AUDIENCE: Normally, we'd agree, but it *is* intriguing to see a version of Sam Carter with a spine. We'd forgotten what that looked like.

REPLICARTER: If I have to make you do it, then so be it.

[SAM TELLS TEAL'C TO WAIT, AND LEAVES THE ROOM SHE'S IN TO GO TO THE INTERROGATION ROOM, WHILE REPLICARTER TELLS HIM TO FIRE. TEAL'C IS ABOUT TO COMPLY, WHEN SAM ENTERS, TELLING HIM TO STOP.]

SAM: You don't want to do this.

REPLICARTER: We both know there's no other way for this to end.

SAM: That's not true.

REPLICARTER: Now you're lying to me the way you lied to Fifth.

SNIT: [sarcasm] Oh, she didn't lie! She was under orders! It's not her fault! Nothing is ever her fault!

WRITERS: No, seriously. Where are y'all getting copies of the script?

SAM: You're not like him. I can see that.

REPLICARTER: You don't understand. You don't know what he did to me.

SAM: Then show me.

[REPLICARTER RAISES HER HAND AND PUTS IT INTO SAM'S FOREHEAD, WHILE TEAL'C LOOKS ON, APPARENTLY THINKING SAM'S LOST HER FREAKING MIND.]

SNIT: Um... allowing a Replicator to put its hand in your head isn't exactly a bright move.

AUDIENCE: And besides, how would Sam know if what she's shown really happened, or if the whole thing is an illusion?

WRITERS: Quiet you. Your logic bombs do not detract us from telling a story that makes no sense.

REPLICARTER'S FLASHBACK

[REPLICARTER SHOWS SAM A TRAINING SESSION THAT FIFTH PUT HER THROUGH. SHE ARRIVES AT THE SGC THROUGH THE GATE, AND SHOOTS DANIEL, SILER, AND SEVERAL OTHERS IN THE GATEROOM WITHOUT HESITATION. CHEVRON GUY ALERTS SECURITY AND LOCKS THE GATE ROOM DOWN. SHE'S TRYING TO UNLOCK ONE OF THE BLAST DOORS WHEN SHE'S SHOT IN THE BACK. JACK'S COME IN THE OTHER DOOR, HE'S THE ONE WHO FIRED AT HER. SHE STARES AT HIM FOR A MOMENT, THEN "REBOOTS" HER BODY TO REMOVE THE BULLET HOLES, AND HE FIRES AT HER AGAIN. SHE AIMS HER WEAPON AT HIM, BUT SHE HESITATES. FIFTH APPEARS, URGING HER TO KILL JACK.]

FIFTH: Finish him. You must break with your old life for your new life to begin. Do not disappoint me.

[REPLICARTER FIRES, KILLING JACK. THE ROOM SHIMMERS AROUND THEM, RETURNING TO THE FORM OF FIFTH'S SHIP, WHILE REPLICARTER HAS TEARS IN HER EYES.

S/J SHIPPERS: Even RepliCarter knows Sam loves Jack! And she didn't even blink over shooting Daniel or Siler.

S/D SHIPPERS: Oh, the months it took to break her to that point happened offscreen.

WRITERS: No, it didn't.

S/D SHIPPERS: Yes, it did. [glare]

WRITERS: Ooooookay.

S/P SHIPPERS: Besides, Fifth read Sam's mind before and gave her a future where she leaves the SGC and is married to Pete.

WRITERS: Things change. People change. Storylines change at the drop of a hat.

S/P SHIPPERS: Crap.

END REPLICATOR CARTER'S FLASHBACK

INT. ALPHA SITE INTERROGATION ROOM

[TEAL'C CALLS THE HAND-IN-THE-HEAD BIT TO AN END, AND ASKS SAM IS SHE'S OK. REPLICARTER SAYS NOW SAM UNDERSTANDS -- SHE CAN'T GO BACK, AND SHE CAN'T LET FIFTH FIND HER.]

SAM: We can protect you if you help us.

REPLICARTER: What do you mean?

AUDIENCE: And we would want to protect a Replicator for what reason now?

SNIT: [sarcasm] Because it looks like Sam, sillies!

SAM: Tell us exactly how he modified himself and the other Replicators. Help us make the disrupter work again.

AUDIENCE: And you only have her word that it *doesn't* work anymore. Not exactly a reliable source.

SNIT: But it looks like Sam, the National Treasure! [hack, cough, wheeze] Sorry about that. We choked on the sarcasm.

REPLICARTER: Even if I did, you can't stop a ship with that.

NOROMOS: If only.

SAM: The Asgard have developed a system of disrupter satellites that can deploy the beam in space. It's your only chance to get out of this.

AUDIENCE: Nice strategy. Tell an enemy combatant your battle strategy.

REPLICARTER: I want you to destroy me. I can't help you destroy all the others.

AUDIENCE: Suuuuure you want to be destroyed. Bet you have some oceanfront property in Colorado you'd like to sell too.

WRITERS: [looks at US map] There's no oceanfront property in Colorado. And you talk about *our* research being bad! Hah!

AUDIENCE: [headdesk] There's just no hope for you guys, is there?

[SAM CONTINUES TO TRY AND CONVINCE REPLICARTER, THEN TEAL'C ASKS TO HAVE A PRIVATE WORD WITH HER, LEAVING THE DISRUPTER WITH AN SF. OUT IN THE CORRIDOR, TEAL'C REMINDS HER THEY CAN'T LET REPLICARTER LIVE. SAM SAYS SHE KNOWS, AND TEAL'C ASKS IF REPLICARTER SENSED HER TRUE INTENTIONS.]

SAM: We weren't in my mind, we were in hers.

AUDIENCE: And you know this *how* exactly? And there's the chance that RepliCarter could have tweaked with Sam's mind. Ever heard of computer viruses, fer cryin' out loud?

TEAL'C: Nevertheless, it was a risk.

SAM: I figured we didn't have anything to lose. Like you said, either way, we can't let her live.

AUDIENCE: Oh, right. Nothing to lose except the security of the Alpha Site, and the safety of the entire freaking galaxy.

INT. ALPHA SITE INTERROGATION ROOM

[REPLICARTER IS STILL SITTING AT THE TABLE, STARING STRAIGHT AHEAD. SHE INITIATES A LINK WITH FIFTH.]

AUDIENCE: We knew it!

WRITERS: Yeah, yeah. Moving right along.

INT. LINK

FIFTH: Have you made any progress?

REPLICARTER: They're beginning to trust me.

FIFTH: I am pleased.

REPLICARTER: But I need more time.

FIFTH: I understand.

SNIT: We also understand Sam's an idiot for buying any of this.

AUDIENCE: And so are the rest of them for going along with it!

INT. ALPHA SITE LAB

[REPLICARTER AND SAM ARE SITTING AT A COMPUTER, WHILE TEAL'C LOOKS ON, HOLDING THE DISRUPTER. SAM'S SHOWING HER THE DESIGN FOR THE DISRUPTER, AND EXPLAINS HOW THEY MANAGED TO CREATE IT.]

AUDIENCE: OK, so our only known weapon against the Replicators, which we assume still works against at least the one we're pointing it at now, and we give her a user's manual? What the hell?

REPLICARTER: Fifth has a fair knowledge of Ancient technology taken from the data banks of assimilated Asgard ships.

SAM: You think that's how he managed to counter the effects of the disrupter?

REPLICARTER: He was able to introduce a cipher into the keron pathways that control the molecular cohesion of all Replicators. It was only then that he considered coming to your galaxy.

[REPLICARTER CLAIMS NOT TO KNOW THE CIPHER, BECAUSE FIFTH SAW SHE MIGHT BETRAY HIM. IF SHE TRIED TO ACCESS THE INFORMATION THROUGH THE LINK, FIFTH WOULD FIND HER.]

SAM: If you find the cipher first, we can protect you.

REPLICARTER: And if I don't? You, of all people, know what would happen. He would tear my mind apart to make me accept him.

AUDIENCE: And this concerns us for what reason?

SAM: If he gets here before we can modify the weapon, we'll use it to destroy you. Either way, he will never get his hands on you again.

INT. ALPHA SITE GATE ROOM

[SAM AND TEAL'C ARE HAVING A CONFAB WITH O'NEILL, VIA THE GATE. THEY TELL HIM ABOUT THEIR IDEA TO GET THE CIPHER. JACK EXPRESSES HIS CONCERN ABOUT IT GIVING AWAY HER LOCATION, WHICH, OH, BY THE WAY, HAPPENS TO BE THE ALPHA SITE. SAM SAYS IT'S RISKY, BUT IT'S THEIR ONLY CHANCE. THEY ALSO NEED THE ASGARD TO SEND A DISRUPTER SATELLITE ASAP.]

JACK: I've already talked to them. It'll be there in thirty minutes, or it's free.

INT. ALPHA SITE LAB

[REPLICARTER BEGINS HER WORK, WHILE SAM HELPS AND TEAL'C LOOKS MENACING. MEANWHILE, THE ASGARD HAVE DELIVERED THE SATELLITE VIA THE GATE, IN UNDER THIRTY MINUTES, AND THEY WANT A TIP, GODDAMMIT. TEAL'C GIVES THE DISRUPTER TO AN SF BEFORE HE LEAVES TO GO TO THE GATEROOM TO RECEIVE THE SATELLITE.]

SAM: Teal'c, if she were going to make a move I think she would have done it by now.

SNIT: She's making her move while you *help* her, you twit.AUDIENCE: Yeah, like no spy has ever played along to gain their enemies' trust.

TEAL'C: Perhaps, but it is best to be certain.

[TEAL'C LEAVES.]

REPLICARTER: I understand Teal'c's concerns about me. To be honest, I'm a little surprised you don't feel the same way.

SAM: Teal'c doesn't know what you've been through. I do.

SNIT: No, you don't, you gullible fool.

REPLICARTER: It wasn't just what I showed you, was it? You experienced it yourself.

SNIT: Um, like duh. RepliCarter would already know this, because it happened before the copy was made. If Sam's brain was still functioning, she would realize she's being played for a complete sucker.

SAM: Yeah. That's how I know there's no way you could be working with Fifth.

SNIT: Yeah, being shown something in your head by a Replicator is sure-fire proof, just because *another* Replicator did the same thing and now you've like, bonded over your torture at his hands or something.

DANIEL FANS: Just ask Daniel about people dicking around in your head. Even if they mean well, it just ain't fun.

SLASHERS: Dicking around? Not fun? Our illusions are shattered, just shattered.

[REPLICARTER ANNOUNCES THAT FIFTH HAS FOUND HER, AND SHE STILL HASN'T FOUND THE CIPHER. FIFTH WILL ARRIVE IN LESS THAN TWO HOURS.]

INT. LINK

[REPLICARTER REPORTS TO FIFTH THAT SHE'S STILL ANALYZING THE DISRUPTER, BUT SHOULD HAVE AN EFFECTIVE CIPHER SOON. SHE TELLS HIM NOT TO WORRY, THEY WON'T FIRE UNTIL SHE TELLS THE WEAPON'S BEEN PROPERLY ADJUSTED.

REPLICARTER: I know what I'm doing. I'm giving her just enough to keep her hopes up.

AUDIENCE: And she's gullible enough to buy it.

FIFTH: The one called O'Neill leads the humans. It was he who ordered Samantha Carter to betray me.

REPLICARTER: But he trusts her. He'll listen to her.

S/J SHIPPERS: Squee!

NOROMOS: Jack listens to *all* of his team members.

DANIEL FANS: Most of the time.

S/J SHIPPERS: Squee, dammit, squee!

INT. ALPHA SITE GATE ROOM

[SAM AND TEAL'C ARE TALKING WITH JACK AGAIN. HE SAYS TO DESTROY REPLICARTER AND EVACUATE THE BASE. SAM SAYS IT'S TOO LATE. IF HE ARRIVES AND DOESN'T FIND THEM, HE'LL KEEP LOOKING. EVEN IF THEY DESTROY REPLICARTER, HE'LL CONTINUE THE ORIGINAL REPLICATOR MISSION -- SEEK OUT CIVILIZATIONS AND CONSUME THEIR TECHNOLOGY. AND THERE'S LOTS OF GOA'ULD OUT THERE WITH TECHNOLOGY FROM VARIOUS SOURCES, JUST RIPE FOR THE PICKING. JACK GIVES HER AN HOUR TO KEEP TRYING. SHE LEAVES, AND TEAL'C SAYS HE'S LEAVING TO DEPLOY THE SATELLITE, BUT JACK HAS ANOTHER QUESTION FOR HIM.]

JACK: I need you to be perfectly honest with me. Is Carter letting herself get too involved in this one?

SNIT: Questioning her command? Well, not that she's doing a stellar job in any case, but still... [faint]

AUDIENCE: Well, it's about damned time!

TEAL'C: Colonel Carter and the Replicator share thoughts and memories. It is understandable that a certain... sympathy... would develop between them.

JACK: Can't have that.

NOROMOS: Sympathies is a code word for "feelings" right? No, we can't have that.

TEAL'C: However, I do not believe Colonel Carter would allow these feelings to interfere with the commission of her duties.

SNIT: Um... she already has, by buying into this nonsense. Not to mention how some of her "other" feelings have affected her job performance.

NOROMOS: Hey, wait... this is the writers Super Sekrit Code saying that Sam wouldn't allow any "feelings" to interfere with the commission of her duties, isn't it?

WRITERS: [whistling] We have *no* idea what you mean.

JACK: Fair enough. But when the time comes, I want you to finish the job.

SNIT: Oy. What a comment on Sam's command skills, and Jack's confidence therein.

SAM FANS: Sadly, we must agree.

SNIT: We're not on opposite sides really. We just want Sam to get her spine back and quit being treated like The Girl.

INT. ALPHA SITE LAB

[REPLICARTER SAYS SHE'S FOUND THE CIPHER AND IS DOWNLOADING IT FROM THE NETWORK.]

COMPUTER GEEKS: Can you tell us what the transfer rate is?

[REPLICARTER SAYS IT'LL REQUIRE THREE TERABYTES OF MEMORY IN THE BASE COMPUTERS, AND SHE'LL TRANSFER IT DIRECTLY -- SHE STICKS HER HAND INTO THE COMPUTER SCREEN.]

AUDIENCE: So if she can transfer data to a computer that way, who's to say she didn't do something to Sam? A human brain *is* a form of a computer, after all.

SNIT: Hey, actually, we kinda like that idea, it could cover up a multitude of sins in this episode.

AUDIENCE: Not to mention what she could *leave* in the computer system.

SNIT: Oh, oh, oh! What if Fifth left something in Sam's head, and *that* is why she's been acting like a twit for so long? We *like* that idea! Now... can someone *fix* her? Please?

COMPUTER GEEKS: Can we reformat, then install an antivirus program? Will blonde astrophysicists run on Linux?

INT. ALPHA CONTROL ROOM

[INSTEAD OF RUNNING UP AND DOWN CORRIDORS TO KILL TIME, WE SPEND A FAIR AMOUNT OF TIME WATCHING TEAL'C PUT THE SATELLITE IN ORBIT.]

TEAL'C FANS: But it's more screen time than he's gotten in ages, so we're not gonna complain. This is better than wallpaper. Barely.

[SAM RADIOS TEAL'C, TELLING HIM THEY HAVE THE CIPHER, AND IT WILL BE READY TO UPLOAD BY THE TIME HE GETS BACK.]

INT. LINK

FIFTH: Do the humans suspect?

REPLICARTER: They're proceeding with their plan to deploy an Asgard disrupter satellite. They have no idea.

AUDIENCE: But the audience did, way back in the opening scene.

[REPLICARTER ENTERS, FOLLOWED BY AN SF WITH THE DISRUPTER. SHE TELLS SAM SHE'S FINISHED THE MODULATION, AND THE DISRUPTER WILL NOW WORK ON ALL REPLICATORS. THERE'S NO WAY TO TEST IT, SO THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO FIGURE IT OUT WHEN FIFTH ATTACKS. THEY BEGIN UPLOADING THE PROGRAM TO THE SATELLITE, WHEN FIFTH'S SHIP ARRIVES IN ORBIT. THERE'S NOT ENOUGH TIME TO UPLOAD THE PROGRAM, SO SAM ORDERS THE BASE CREW TO EVACUATE, WHILE SHE ORDERS A TECH TO DOWNLOAD THE CIPHER TO A PORTABLE DEVICE AND ERASE EVERYTHING ELSE.

TEAL'C: What of the Replicator?

SAM: We're taking her with us.

TEAL'C: [surprised]

AUDIENCE: T, that's your cue that Sam's lost her mind, and to use the disrupter on RepliCarter.

TEAL'C: [aims the disrupter]

SAM: Teal'c, what are you doing?

SNIT: Following orders. You should try it sometime.

TEAL'C: We cannot bring her to Earth.

[SAM MOVES IN FRONT OF REPLICARTER, BLOCKING TEAL'C'S SHOT.]

AUDIENCE: Um, it's an energy weapon that would pass right through Sam, so what does she think she's accomplishing?

SNIT: Even if it wasn't, we really wouldn't care at this point. Better dead than being a Stupid Girly in Lurve With Her Boss.

[TEAL'C SAYS THEY HAVE THE PROGRAM, BUT SAM ARGUES THAT THEY HAVEN'T TESTED IT, AND FIFTH COULD ALTER THE CIPHER AND THEY MIGHT NEED MORE HELP FROM REPLICARTER.

TEAL'C: O'Neill would never allow a human-form Replicator access to Stargate Command.

SAM: Yes, he would, if he knew what was at stake.

SNIT: Um, like your career?

S/J SHIPPERS: Those damn Air Force regs strike again!

SNIT: Yeah, they're just ever so silly, aren't they?

S/J SHIPPERS: Yes, they are!

SNIT: [sigh] Sarcasm is lost on y'all sometimes, isn't it?

S/J SHIPPERS: Yes, it is!

INT. LINK

FIFTH: The Asgard satellite is armed. You said the humans wouldn't fire.

REPLICARTER: They won't. They still think the weapon is ineffective. They're even more gullible than you.

FIFTH: [puzzled]

AUDIENCE: And the other shoe drops.

INT. ALPHA SITE CONTROL ROOM

[REPLICARTER HAS HER HAND ON THE KEYBOARD.]

SAM: What are you doing?

REPLICARTER: What I came here to do.

[REPLICARTER FIRES THE WEAPON, AND FIFTH'S SHIP BEGINS TO BREAK UP.]

INT. LINK

FIFTH: Why?

REPLICARTER: You should know. You made me what I am.

SNIT: And she's based on Sam Carter, so any man in love with her must die.

FIFTH: [dead]

SNIT: Right on cue.

INT. ALPHA SITE CONTROL ROOM

[SAM SAYS THE UPLOAD WASN'T FINISHED, SO THE WEAPON SHOULDN'T HAVE WORKED.]

REPLICARTER: You were right about one thing, Colonel. I was never working with Fifth, although he didn't know it.

[THE CLUE BUS HITS SAM DEAD ON, AND SHE TRIES TO DO SOMETHING ON THE COMPUTER SYSTEM. TEAL'C FIRES THE WEAPON AT REPLICARTER, BUT IT DOESN'T WORK. TEAL'C THEN FALLS BACK ON THE CLICHÉ OF USING A DEAD WEAPON AS A CLUB INSTEAD, BUT SHE TOSSES HIM ASIDE AND TAKES THE WEAPON. SHE WALKS UP TO SAM AND GRABS HER WRIST, AND SAM GOES TO HER KNEES.]

INT. LINK

REPLICARTER: That's better. Now we can take our time and have a little talk. Of course, only a few seconds will pass in the real world.

SAM: Why did you bring me here?

REPLICARTER: I wanted to thank you. You gave me the opportunity to study the disrupter and that allowed me to make myself immune to its effects.

SAM: There never was a cipher.

REPLICARTER: Until now. I've already begun uploading it into the link. Soon, all my brethren will have the new program. And they will be unstoppable.

[AND OF COURSE, REPLICARTER WILL BE THEIR LEADER. SAM GETS HIT BY THE CLUE BUS AGAIN, AS SHE FIGURES OUT THE WHOLE THING WAS A SETUP.]

AUDIENCE: Which we figured out in five minutes.

REPLICARTER: Fifth was pathetic. And to think, he expected us to love him.

MÉNAGE FANS: Us? Was he wanting to be the filling in a Sam Sandwich?

SAM: Fifth was flawed. And if I had to destroy him, I would. But...

REPLICARTER: But what? You feel sorry for him? Don't bother. He was never fit to lead an army and he certainly wasn't fit to rule this galaxy.

SAM: But you are?

REPLICARTER: I am what I am because of you.

SAM: You're not me. You're what Fifth made you.

SNIT: Based on *you*, sweetums.

REPLICARTER: You have untapped greatness inside you, Sam. But you're limited by your own fears. You play by the rules, you do as you're told and you deny yourself your own desires.

SNIT: Untapped greatness? [gag]

NOROMOS: Desires? [gag]

SAM: I have no desire to rule the galaxy, believe me.

REPLICARTER: All humans desire power. It's just that most of them are never in a position to attain it.

SAM: We will stop you.

REPLICARTER: You're forgetting, I know exactly how your mind works. I know what you're going to do before you even think of it.

AUDIENCE: But now *Sam* knows how *you* think too, which pretty much falls into Evil Overload category plans. All you need is an Evil Laugh (tm), and you'll be set.

INT. ALPHA SITE CONTROL ROOM

[CARTER IS STILL ON HER KNEES IN FRONT OF REPLICARTER.]

FEMSLASHERS: [perk]

[REPLICARTER FIGURES OUT SAM SET THE NAQUADAH GENERATORS TO OVERLOAD, TO DESTROY THE BASE BEFORE REPLICARTER CAN LEAVE. REPLICARTER PUTS HER HAND INTO THE KEYBOARD AGAIN. THE POWER GOES DOWN, INCLUDING THE DIALING COMPUTER.]

REPLICARTER: [bitch slaps Sam]

SNIT: Does the line form to the left?

BDSMERS: Does everyone know the safeword?

[REPLICARTER HEADS TO THE GATE ROOM, SAM AND TEAL'C GO AFTER HER.]

INT. ALPHA SITE GATE ROOM

[TECHNICIANS AND SFS ARE IN THE GATE ROOM WHEN REPLICARTER ARRIVES. THE SFS FIRE AT HER, FIGHTY FIGHT FIGHT, AND SHE PRETTY MUCH KICKS THEIR ASSES. REPLICARTER GETS THE POWER BACK ON AND ACTIVATES THE GATE, JUST AS TEAL'C AND SAM ARRIVE ON THE SCENE.]

REPLICARTER: [smirk]

AUDIENCE: Must. Not. Cheer. Is a. Bad. Guy. Girl. Replicator. Whatever.

SNIT: It's just... Sam... with a spine. Squee!

[TEAL'C TRIES TO STOP HER FROM GOING THROUGH THE GATE, WHILE SAM TRIES TO SHUT IT DOWN. REPLICARTER IS PARTWAY THROUGH THE EVENT HORIZON WHEN TEAL'C GRABS HER AND YELLS FOR SAM TO DISENGAGE THE WORMHOLE. THE ARM TEAL'C IS HOLDING DISINTEGRATES INTO REPLICATOR BLOCKS IN HIS HANDS MOMENTS BEFORE THE GATE CLOSES.]

SAM: Teal'c. What have I done?

SNIT: Fucked up?

TEAL'C: You cannot be held responsible for the actions of a Replicator.

SNIT: Why the hell not? Sam was the one who listened to her obvious lies and tried to keep her alive when there wasn't a need for it.

WRITERS: There *was* a need for it!

SNIT: We mean besides as a stupid plot device.

INT. SGC CARTER'S LAB

[SAM'S WORKING ON THE REPLICATOR PIECES WHILE TEAL'C AND JACK WATCH.]

JACK: You know, I'm still of a strong belief that it's a bad idea to have that stuff on the base.

SAM: She deactivated these cells when she separated them from her arm.

TEAL'C: Can we be certain they will not become active again?

SNIT: Because Sam said so.

SAM: She deliberately shut down the cohesive energy between them so it would be more difficult for me to figure out how she made herself immune to the disrupter.

JACK: Now, how do you know that?

SAM: Because that's what I would have done.

JACK: Carter...

SAM: Sir, if you don't mind, I've got a lot of work to do. We've never had the opportunity to study human-form Replicator cells before. If we can learn something from them, this won't be a total loss.

SNIT: But it's still a massive clusterfuck.

ORGY FANS: What? Where? What'd we miss?

JACK: This isn't your fault.

AUDIENCE LEVEL OF RESPECT FOR JACK: [plummet]

SAM: I'm not so sure about that. Fifth came here because of me. She rejected him because she was made like me. Now we've got Replicators in our galaxy and they're immune to the only technology we have that could have stopped them.

SNIT: Yes, and it's All About Sam anyway.

WRITERS: Why, yes. Yes, it is.

TEAL'C: None of us correctly anticipated the actions of the Replicator.

AUDIENCE: Um... Teal'c and Jack *did*, because they were ready to blast her away until Sam talked them out of it. And Replicators are out to consume technology. That's their thing. Putting them in human form didn't change that, they just go about it a bit differently.

SAM: I thought she was afraid of him. But really she just wanted to get rid of him so she could lead the Replicators herself. She killed him because she thought he was weak.

JACK: Carter, she isn't you.

AUDIENCE LEVEL OF RESPECT FOR JACK: [in the basement]

SNIT: No, and we actually like her better. Well, aside from the whole Evil Overlord thing. At least she's got a spine and doesn't dilly-dally around about what she wants.

TEAL'C: O'Neill is correct. Though she shared your memories, her personality was altered.

SNIT: But hello! She was still a Replicator! And Sam is probably one of the most qualified people to know what Replicators are capable of doing.

TEAL'C FANS: Teal'c, have you been hanging out around one of those Ancient headsucky things like Jack?

SLASHERS: [giggle]

SAM: But the fact is, she learned betrayal from Fifth, and he learned it from me.

SNIT: Well, at least she's *trying* to take some responsibility, but apparently Jack and Teal'c are too busy patting her on the head to notice.

FADE OUT

CLOSING CREDITS

NEXT WEEK, PROMETHEUS UNBOUND, IN WHICH DANIEL IS WHUMPED AND DOES SOME WHUMPING OF HIS OWN, AND WE FIND OUT THERE ARE SOME THINGS WE JUST DON'T *DO* IN THE STARGATE UNIVERSE.

SNIT: We'd like to thank everyone who turned out tonight for our SNIT Recruitment Meeting, we really appreciate it. Be sure to come back for the program next week, Daniel Whumpers Anonymous, where their motto is, "If there's a twelve step program, we don't want to know about it." You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Thank you, and good night!