8.12 Prometheus Unbound: The Breadbox Edition

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[JACK AND DANIEL ARE WALKING, WHILE DANIEL PLEADS YET AGAIN TO GO TO ATLANTIS.]

JACK: I didn't let you go in the first place. What makes you think I'm gonna change my mind?

DANIEL: Because...

[CHEVRON GUY GIVES JACK SOME PAPERS TO SIGN.]

JACK: Can you try to do better than that?

SLASHERS: He was going to say, "If you don't, you're sleeping on the couch," but he didn't want Chevron Guy to hear. Don't ask, don't tell, you know.

DANIEL: Because they're going to need somebody who can translate Ancient. I'm the most qualified person left on the planet for the mission.

JACK: Which is exactly why you're gonna stay right here.

DANIEL: Because I'll quit!

JACK: Why don't you just hold your breath? You haven't done that in a while.

SLASHERS: Jack knows how long Daniel can hold his breath.

ATLANTIS SLASHERS: Huh, what? [...] Sorry, we were pondering various pairing possibilities if Daniel gets to Atlantis.

MENAGE AND FOURGY FANS: Really fun, ain't it?

ATLANTIS SLASHERS: Yes, oh *yes*. Daniel's like the little black dress of fandom -- he goes with anything. Or comes with anything.

[THEY COME TO THE ENTRANCE TO JACK'S OFFICE, AS GENERAL HAMMOND TURNS AROUND IN JACK'S CHAIR TO FACE THEM.]

JACK: Miss the chair?

HAMMOND: Actually I do.

JACK: Want it back?

AUDIENCE: Please?

HAMMOND: As a matter of fact, I do. My new one just isn't the same.

JACK: That's not exactly what I meant.

AUDIENCE: Not what we meant either, dammit. We want a *real* general in command.

HAMMOND: Doctor Jackson. Nice to see you again.

DANIEL: Likewise; we miss you around here, sir.

JACK: [pout]

DANIEL: So, to what do we owe this pleasure?

HAMMOND: I came to ask if you'd be interested in joining the mission to Atlantis.

JACK AND DANIEL: You did?

HAMMOND (to Jack): He's the most qualified person on this planet, and the mission commander needs someone who can translate Ancient.

DANIEL FANS: OK, it's official: We love Hammond too.

JACK: With all due respect sir, I think you should tell the mission commander that I need Daniel right here.

SLASHERS: Oh, really now?

HAMMOND: You just did.

JACK: I did. I did? You, sir?

HAMMOND: Yes. Request denied. Doctor Jackson, you're with me.

HAMMOND/DANIEL SLASHERS: Squee!

AUDIENCE: OK, amusing, but let's back up the logic truck, shall we? Hammond is now head of Homeworld Security. There's no way they're going to let him go on this sort of mission.

WRITERS: Just go with it.

AUDIENCE: [sigh] Oh, one of those episodes. Again. Whatever.

WRITERS: There ya go!

HAMMOND: I'll have the chair shipped to Washington. You can requisition a new one.

JACK (shell-shocked): I'll do that, sir.

HAMMOND: We leave tomorrow. Oh, and I'll be taking Walter, too.

HAMMOND/WALTER SLASHERS: Squee!

AUDIENCE: Without Daniel and Walter around, Jack's going to be totally lost, isn't he?

[HAMMOND LEAVES. DANIEL ALMOST SMILES, BUT JACK GIVES HIM A STERN LOOK. DANIEL MAKES HIS EXIT, LEAVING JACK LOOKING CONFUSED.]

NOT DUMB!JACK FANS: How can you tell if he's confused?

NOROMOS: It's all in the eye of the beholder. We keep saying he's constipated whenever Sam's around, but the Shippers don't agree.

SHIPPERS: Of course not. He's in love!

NOROMOS: True love means never looking constipated when your supposed Significant Other is giving you the Doe Eyes of Death.

AUDIENCE: So, Hammond returns and takes off with Daniel, Walter *and* Jack's chair? Are you *sure* we can't keep him?

WRITERS: Hey, you know who we could kill next season for dramatic impact...?

AUDIENCE: Um. Felger?

WRITERS: Try again, sunshine.

END TEASER

OPENING CREDITS

INT. PROMETHEUS CORRIDOR

[DANIEL ARRIVES AND SPEAKS TO HAMMOND, THANKING HIM FOR LETTING HIM JOIN THE EXPEDITION.]

HAMMOND: My motives were purely selfish, Doctor Jackson. We haven't heard a word from the Atlantis expedition team since they first left. We have no idea what we're going to find in Pegasus. Your knowledge and expertise will no doubt prove invaluable.

DANIEL FANS: [bask in the glow]

HAMMOND/DANIEL SLASHERS: [bask in the glow]

[DANIEL ASKS WHY HAMMOND IS COMMANDING THIS MISSION, WHEN HE WAS HEADING FOR RETIREMENT. HE SAYS LEADING THE PROMETHEUS AGAINST ANUBIS GOT HIS DANDER UP, SO SINCE THE PRESIDENT PUT HIM IN CHARGE AT HOMEWORLD SECURITY, HE TOOK ADVANTAGE AND APPOINTED HIMSELF THE HEAD OF THE MISSION. HE ALSO WANTS TO SEE THIS ONE THROUGH, AFTER SENDING A LOT OF PEOPLE ON MISSIONS FROM WHICH THEY NEVER RETURNED.]

DANIEL: We've never left anyone behind, sir.

HAMMOND: And we're not going to this time.

AUDIENCE: Well, except for leaving Daniel behind in Icon, and...

WRITERS: [interrupting] Hey, they got him back *eventually*!

AUDIENCE: And y'all started looking for another reason to kill him!

WRITERS: It would be very dramatic...

DANIEL FANS: As would your immediate demise. Got those bodyguards on retainer yet?

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIEFING ROOM

[DANIEL IS BRIEFING THE ASSEMBLED TEAM, INCLUDING HAMMOND AND CHEVRON GUY. A FEMALE CIVILIAN SCIENTIST, DR. NOVAK, ENTERS, HICCUPPING.]

AUDIENCE: Oh, here we go again. Make the scientists look like goofballs.

[NOVAK KEEPS HICCUPPING, INTERRUPTING THE BRIEFING.]

NOVAK: Please ignore me.

DANIEL: It's hard to.

AUDIENCE: No kidding. Can someone just yell "boo" at her and see it that stops the damn hiccups? Or gives her a heart attack or something? We're not all that picky at this point.

NOVAK: Well, as far as we know, the Atlantis team found another outpost like the one on Antarctica. Could be on a moon or at the bottom of some deep, dark ocean. [hiccup]

HAMMOND: Which is why we're going. If they're trapped and need help-

NOVAK: If they're even alive at all. [hiccup]

[CHEVRON GUY QUIETLY SLIDES A GLASS OF WATER TOWARDS HER.]

AUDIENCE: If that doesn't work, you have our permission to smite the living crap out of her.

[DANIEL SAYS IT'S HOPED THAT THE REASON THEY HAVEN'T MADE CONTACT WITH EARTH IS SIMPLY DUE TO NOT ENOUGH POWER. USING INFORMATION GATHERED FROM THE ANCIENT OUTPOST ON EARTH, DANIEL'S TEAM HAS PINPOINTED THEIR DESTINATION IN THE PEGASUS GALAXY.]

NOVAK: [hiccup] Damn it to hell!

AUDIENCE: We second that motion.

[NOVAK TAKES THE GLASS OF WATER, TURNS HER CHAIR AWAY FROM THE TABLE AND TRIES TO DRINK FROM THE FAR SIDE OF THE GLASS TO STOP HER HICCUPS.]

NOVAK: [slurp]

CHEVRON GUY: [giggle] And she laughed at me for having to say "chevron seven locked" so much. Ha! Take that!

AUDIENCE: Yes, Walter, but on you, it's cute.

INT. PROMETHEUS CORRIDOR

SGC CORRIDORS: Often imitated, never duplicated. Accept no substitutes!

[NOVAK JOINS DANIEL TO WAIT FOR AN ELEVATOR. SHE APOLOGIZES FOR CONTRADICTING HIM IN THE BRIEFING. HE SAYS NOT TO APOLOGIZE, THAT SHE WAS CORRECT IN SAYING THAT NOT HEARING FROM THE EXPEDITION IS A BAD SIGN.]

NOVAK: [hiccup]

DANIEL: Tried holding your breath?

NOVAK: God, I've tried everything.

DANIEL FANS: Have you tried a helping of Daniel? A cure-all if we ever saw it!

J/D SLASHERS: But then Jack would have to kill her. Uhm, wait...

AUDIENCE: Yeah, that works for us too.

[SHE EXPLAINS SHE'S HAD THIS PROBLEM SINCE SHE WAS A KID. WHENEVER SHE GETS STRESSED, SHE STARTS HICCUPPING. IT'S WHY SHE TURNED DOWN THE TRIP TO ATLANTIS THE FIRST TIME.]

ATLANTIS FANS: Either that, or meeting McKay might have been enough to convince her she'd have the hiccups non-stop if she went.

MCKAY FANS: Hey!

ATLANTIS FANS: It's *true*.

MCKAY FANS: Well... yeah. But that's why we like him. He's Our Snarky Boy.

[ALARMS SOUND. DANIEL LEAVES, WITH NOVAK STILL TRYING TO STOP HER HICCUPS.]

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

[HAMMOND, REYNOLDS AND CHEVRON GUY ARE IN THE COMMAND AREA WHEN DANIEL ENTERS. HAMMOND TELLS THEM THEY'VE PICKED UP A DISTRESS CALL. THEY DECIDE TO CHECK IT OUT.]

ATLANTIS FANS: Hey! Our guys are in distress! What's this?

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE, LATER

[SCANS REVEAL TWO SHIPS, AN AL'KESH AND A CARGO SHIP, BOTH WITH HEAVY DAMAGE. THE SIGNAL IS COMING FROM THE AL'KESH. HAMMOND AND REYNOLDS SMELL A POSSIBLE TRAP BECAUSE IT'S A HUMAN SIGNAL COMING FROM A GOA'ULD SHIP.]

AUDIENCE: Um. Goa'uld have human hosts. Jaffa are genetically altered humans. Then there are human slaves. So what makes this particular signal stand out as "human"?

WRITERS: Because, like every other human thing in the galaxy, the signal is in English.

AUDIENCE: But all the aliens speak English, too.

WRITERS: LA! LA! LA! We can't hear you!

DANIEL: Look, I know this looks suspicious, but what if there was an uprising on board one of those ships? There could be human prisoners in need of our help.

[THEY TRY TO CONTACT THE SHIP, BUT GET NO RESPONSE. CHEVRON GUY RECOMMENDS SENDING A SENSOR UNIT OVER TO DETERMINE LIFE SUPPORT, WHILE REYNOLDS PUTS FORTH THE IDEA OF SALVAGING THE SHIP. HAMMOND ORDERS REYNOLDS TO TAKE A TEAM AND CHECK OUT THE SHIP.]

NOROMOS: We just heard the word "ship." Is it safe for us to watch, or do we need to wait in the car again?

AUDIENCE: It's OK, they're just talking about the butt ugliest ship in the known universe being used to salvage other ships.

NOROMOS: You're not exactly convincing us it's safe to watch.

PROMETHEUS: I'm not exactly feeling the love here.

STARGATE: Get used to it.

INT. ABOARD THE AL'KESH

[REYNOLDS AND THE REST OF SG-3 ARRIVE VIA RING TRANSPORT AND BEGIN CHECKING OUT THE DAMAGE TO THE SHIP. THEY FIND SEVERAL DEAD JAFFA ONBOARD AS THEY HEAD FOR THE BRIDGE. THEY HEAR THE SOUNDS OF THE RING TRANSPORT, AND REYNOLDS REPORTS THIS BACK TO HAMMOND.]

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

CHEVRON GUY: Sir, our rings just activated.

AUDIENCE: We have a bad feeling about this.

BDSMERS: Sounds kind of kinky though, doesn't it? "Our rings just activated." [...] Just us again, right?

AUDIENCE: Yep.

INT. PROMETHEUS CORRIDOR

[A SUPER SOLDIER IS STOMPING DOWN THE CORRIDOR.]

AUDIENCE: See? Bad feeling.

SUPER SOLDIERS: One ship, one soldier, baybee!

[CONTROLS TO SEAL OFF THE SUPER SOLDIER AREN'T WORKING. MEANWHILE, SG-3 CAN'T TRANSPORT BACK EITHER. CHEVRON GUY SAYS IT MAY BE POSSIBLE TO INITIATE EMERGENCY LOCKDOWN FROM THE ENGINE ROOM. HAMMOND SENDS DANIEL AND TWO OTHERS ON THEIR WAY. AS THEY MAKE THEIR WAY DOWN THE CORRIDOR, THE SUPER SOLDIER SHOWS UP AND ZATS THE MEN ACCOMPANYING DANIEL, WHILE DANIEL DUCKS AND COVERS.]

DANIEL FANS: No butt shot is ever gratuitous. On a wholly unrelated note, we've noticed our rewind and pause buttons are wearing out.

AUDIENCE: Why did Hammond send in the archeologist to do an engineer's job?

SNIT: Have the writers once again assumed that "scientist" means "knows whatever we need them to do in the story"?

DANIEL FANS: But he's an archeologist with more on the job training in combat skills than most of the people on board.

AUDIENCE: Point. But he's still not an engineer.

WRITERS: If we start calling him Scotty, will you shut up about it?

TREK FANS: Hey!

INT. ABOARD THE AL'KESH

[THE RINGS ACTIVATE, DEPOSITING A PILE OF PERSONNEL THAT ARE OUT COLD. SG-3 MOVES THEM OUT OF THE RING AREA.]

SUPER SOLDIERS: Out cold? As in, alive? Wha..? That's not in our user's manual.

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

[THE SUPER SOLDIER ENTERS, AIMING A ZAT AT HAMMOND AND CHEVRON GUY.]

CHEVRON GUY: Um, I'll be happy to go back to chevron counts *any* time now. Thanks bunches.

AUDIENCE: And babysitting General Jack. No telling what havoc he's wreaked since you went on this little field trip.

INT. PROMETHEUS CORRIDOR

[DANIEL MAKES HIS WAY TO A WEAPONS ROOM AND GEARS UP.]

DANIEL FANS: Like a striptease, only in reverse. [THUD]

PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER THE SHOW: [sigh] Get out the extra mops and buckets. We're gonna need 'em.

INT. ABOARD THE AL'KESH

[THE LAST OF THE PROMETHEUS CREW ARE BEAMED OVER, SANS DANIEL. THEY MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE BRIDGE, AND WATCH AS THE PROMETHEUS MOVES AWAY.]

HAMMOND: Can we pursue?

REYNOLDS: Engines are off line. Controls are unresponsive. The weapons are offline too, sir. It looks like we're dead in the water.

AUDIENCE: Does the Prometheus have Lo-Jack installed?

WRITERS: It couldn't be hijacked if it did.

AUDIENCE: Comfy in that logic bomb shelter?

CHEVRON GUY: General, I just did a head count. Daniel Jackson is still aboard the Prometheus.

DANIEL FANS: Eep!

DANIEL WHUMPING FANS: [cracking knuckles] We're *so* ready.

SUPER SOLDIERS: Always glad to be of service! The writers told us you all LIKE watching him die. That's our specialty!

HAMMOND FANS: Jack's so gonna kill Hammond, isn't he?

SLASHERS: Yep.

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

[DANIEL SNEAKS IN AND FIRES AT THE SUPER SOLDIER, WITH NO EFFECT. IT TURNS AROUND AND AIMS A ZAT AT HIM.]

DANIEL: Oh, crap.

AUDIENCE: You should be immune to that thing by now.

SUPER SOLDIER: [zat]

DANIEL: [unconscious]

AUDIENCE: Or not.

SUPER SOLDIERS: Again with the not dead. Our brother wears the armor, but does not act as one of us...

WRITERS: Shhhhh! Five minutes in the rubber hose room with the costume designers if you guys would just be QUIET!

AUDIENCE: Make it the producers and/or writers, and we'll take that deal.

INT. ABOARD THE AL'KESH

[THE REST OF THE CREW IS WAKING UP.]

NOVAK: Oh, I feel like my head's going to explode. But on the bright side, I think my hiccups are gone.

AUDIENCE: Yay!

NOVAK: [hiccup]

AUDIENCE: [sigh]

[HAMMOND ORDERS HER TO GET THE SHIP OPERATIONAL.]

NOROMOS: It's the only kind of operational ship that gets our approval.

INT. AL'KESH BRIDGE

[CHEVRON GUY REPORTS THAT THEY'RE LUCKY TO HAVE LIFE SUPPORT, BUT IT APPEARS THAT THE CARGO SHIP WAS IN EVEN WORSE SHAPE, SO THEY'RE *REALLY* LUCKY TO HAVE NOT BEEN BEAMED THERE INSTEAD. THEY BOTH WONDER WHY A SUPER SOLDIER WOULD HAVE GONE TO ALL THIS TROUBLE TO KEEP THEM ALIVE.]

AUDIENCE: Not that you're not grateful or anything.

SUPER SOLDIERS: We, too, wonder, and are puzzled. We don't like being puzzled! Makes our brains all hurty. We don't have much to hurt, but still... ow.

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

[DANIEL WAKES UP IN ONE OF THE COMMAND CHAIRS, WITH HIS HANDS TIED TO THE ARMRESTS WITH PLASTIC TIES.]

BDSMERS: [perk] Oh, no! With all the nice padded cuffs we've sent to Bridge, they use *those*? They'll leave a mark. [...] Unless you *want* to leave a mark.

SCARIFICATION FANS: mmmmmmmMarks.

[THE SUPER SOLDIER HAS ITS BACK TO DANIEL, WORKING AT THE SHIP'S CONTROLS.]

DANIEL: Hey, how's it goin'? Guess it's just you and me, huh? It's a little strange isn't it? You see, that weapon I shot you with should have killed you. What's even stranger is you guys usually don't take prisoners, either. I mean, it's kinda kill first and... no, that's generally just about it. Just the killing. I'm just gonna talk to myself here for a while, 'cause you're not gonna talk to me. Not that you guys are very talkative, but uh...

SUPER SOLDIERS: The soon-to-be dead man makes an excellent point.

[THE SOLDIER TURNS AROUND TO FACE DANIEL.]

SOLDIER: You may prove useful.

DANIEL: Okay, now we're gettin' somewhere. Where's everybody else?

SOLDIER: I transported them onto the Al'kesh.

DANIEL: Well, you kept the wrong guy, 'cause I don't know anything about the ship.

SOLDIER: But you are very attractive.

DANIEL: [cough] What?

SLASHERS: [sputter] We don't know whether to be thrilled or squicked here.

DANIEL FANS: Well, at least it has good taste.

[THE SOLDIER MOVES IN FRONT OF DANIEL, WITH THE CODPIECE OF DOOM DIRECTLY IN HIS LINE OF SIGHT.]

DANIEL: Hey, you know, big guy. I'm flattered, really I am, it's just that, uh, you're not my type. And I'm more than a little disturbed that I might be yours.

SLASHERS: And Jack will kill it if it tries anything. Well, Jack would kill it anyway. [...] OK, he'll kill it twice, just to be sure.

[THE SOLDIER BEGINS TO TAKE OFF THE HELMET, AND DANIEL CLOSES HIS EYES IN ANTICIPATED DISGUST.]

DANIEL: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you don't have to do that! Don't, don't, don't! No.

[HE OPENS HIS EYES TO SEE THE SOLDIER REVEALED AS A WOMAN WITH LONG, DARK HAIR.]

FARSCAPE FANS: Now that's what we've been waiting for!

VALA: Don't worry. I'm not gonna hurt you.

DANIEL: Thank God.

SUPER SOLDIERS: For WHAT? SOME CHICK KICKED A KULL WARRIOR'S ASS! [faint]

FARSCAPE FANS: Don't take it so hard; it's what she does.

SUPER SOLDIERS: [from the floor] What little we've got is kinda turned on. She got sisters? *Lots* of sisters?

VALA: Much. I hope.

BDSMERS: Oh, we're *liking* her.

SLASHERS: It's not like we were hoping for Daniel/Soldier smut, but did they *have* to make this character female? We smell ship.

NEWLY MINTED DANIEL/VALA SHIPPERS: So do we! Yay!

[VALA REMOVES THE ARMOR PIECES, LEAVING ON THE ONE-PIECE JUMPSUIT UNDERNEATH. SHE SAYS SHE WANTS TO SEND A LONG-RANGE MESSAGE, BUT DANIEL SAYS HE DOESN'T HAVE A CLUE HOW.]

SUPER SOLDIERS: Good. She is not worthy to wear the Codpiece O'Doom.

VALA: You lie.

DANIEL: In general? No. Yes, well I try to be honest, but uh, occasionally a little white one slips out every now and again-

[VALA SLAPS HIM ACROSS THE FACE.]

DANIEL: Ah! Ow?

DANIEL FANS: Bitch, please. You've got *nothing* on a Goa'uld.

AUDIENCE: Yeah. Get a hand device and call us when you're ready to play.

VALA: Shall I kiss it better?

DANIEL: [goggle]

BDSMERS: OK, did *anyone* set up a safe word before the role-play began?

NON-CON FANS: Obviously not. [soft moan]

BDSMERS: [edge away]

DANIEL: Um, no. Just don't do it again. Hey look, even if I knew what it is you wanted me to do, what makes you think I'd tell you? How the hell do you think you can steal a ship when you don't know how it works?

VALA: I got the sublight engines going.

DANIEL: Yeah, so you did.

VALA: You really expect me to believe you don't know how your own ship works?

[DANIEL TRIES TO EXPLAIN WHO AND WHAT HE IS, AND THE MISSION THEY WERE ON, BUT VALA TELLS HIM SHE DOESN'T CARE. SHE HITS SOMETHING ON THE KEYBOARD AND THE COMMUNICATION SYSTEM ACTIVATES.]

VALA: Oh. Here we go. (into comm system) Tenat of Oran. Tenat, this is Vala, if you can hear me, please respond. I've managed to procure a vessel, bigger and better than what I hoped for. Tenat, if you get this message, I apologize for the delay and will meet at the designated coordinates in one day. Vala out.

AUDIENCE: Don't you hate getting voicemail? You never know if they're really out, or just screening you.

VALA (to Daniel): Now, about the hyperdrive...

DANIEL: [rolls eyes]

[DANIEL HAS BEEN WORKING TO CUT THROUGH HIS BONDS, BUT VALA CAN'T SEE IT FROM WHERE SHE'S SITTING.]

AUDIENCE: And we're just so sure that hitting a button at random will not only turn the communications system on, but transmit on a frequency that Vala's friend can receive.

WRITERS: [...] We got nothing.

AUDIENCE: [sigh] We kinda figured.

INT. ABOARD THE AL'KESH

[NOVAK HAS REROUTED POWER TO SHIELDS AND LIFE SUPPORT, BUT REYNOLDS SAYS THE CONTROL CRYSTALS FOR THE ENGINES WERE FRIED.]

HAMMOND: Can they be repaired?

NOVAK: In a word? No. We need new ones.

SNIT: Ms. National Treasure would have grown some in a teacup. What's your major malfunction, Cupcake?

REYNOLDS I was thinking about that cargo ship, sir.

HAMMOND: Sergeant Harriman says that life support over there is minimal. Barely enough to sustain one person for a few moments.

NOVAK: And if we don't get new crystals? [hiccup] Sorry, kill me now.

AUDIENCE: Line forms to the right?

WRITERS: See, we try to give you comic relief, but you never appreciate us!

AUDIENCE: We would if it was funny.

[REYNOLDS VOLUNTEERS TO GO, BUT HAMMOND SAYS HE'LL DO IT. REYNOLDS PROTESTS.]

HAMMOND: Colonel, someone took my ship. I want it back.

HAMMOND FANS: Hammond's *so* Da Man.

JACOB/BRA'TAC/HAMMOND SLASHERS: Just like Jacob and Bra'tac like him!

HAMMOND/WALTER SLASHERS: And behind every good man...

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

[DANIEL'S STILL TRYING TO CUT THE TIES, WHILE VALA TRIES TO WORK AT THE CONSOLE.]

VALA: Access is restricted by a code.

AUDIENCE: Finally!

DANIEL: Yeah. Too bad.

[SHE FIRES THE SUPER SOLDIER WEAPON AT HIS ARM, HITTING HIM IN THE UPPER LEFT ARM, LEAVING THE T-SHIRT AND FLESH SMOKING.]

DANIEL: Ah! Gaw!

H/C FANS: We're on standby to give comfort, if no one else is handy. That's the best part!

VALA: That hurts?

GOA'ULD SYSTEM LORDS: You've got *no* style at all.

AERYN/JOHN FANS: We beg to differ.

BDMSERS: Begging? We like begging.

DANIEL: Ah, yeah!

VALA: I can fix it.

[SHE HOLDS UP A GOA'ULD HEALING DEVICE.]

DANIEL: I don't know the code!

[SHE MOVES TO SIT ON THE CONSOLE IN FRONT OF HIM. SHE ACTIVATES THE DEVICE OVER THE WOUND. THE T-SHIRT IS STILL TORN, BUT THE SKIN UNDERNEATH IS HEALED.]

DANIEL FANS: We volunteer for quality control to make sure the wound has properly healed!

VALA: There. Feel better?

DANIEL: You're a Goa'uld.

VALA: No. But I was once a host to one.

DANIEL: Which would explain the naquadah in your blood that lets you use Goa'uld technology.

VALA: And how I can quickly learn to fly this rather primitive ship.

DANIEL: Yeah, so primitive, one would wonder if it was worth the bother.

VALA: Well, in this case it's the size that matters. Actually, pretty much in every case.

[SHE LOOKS DOWN TOWARDS HIS CROTCH.]

DANIEL: [wide-eyed]

DANIEL/VALA SHIPPERS: Oh dear. She's rather... bold... isn't she?

SLASHERS: She's going to be bold and dead when Jack finds out.

AERYN FANS: That could be entertaining. For the whole five minutes it takes her to fix his wagon!

[DANIEL ONCE AGAIN SAYS HE DOESN'T KNOW THE CODE, AND VALA LEAVES THE BRIDGE.]

INT. ABOARD THE CARGO SHIP

[HAMMOND HAS RINGED OVER TO GET THE NEEDED CRYSTALS. HE STRUGGLES TO STAY CONSCIOUS WHILE NOVAK TALKS HIM THROUGH TAKING OUT THE CRYSTALS. HE PRACTICALLY CRAWLS TO THE EDGE OF THE RING TRANSPORT, TOSSING THE CRYSTAL INSIDE THE RING BEFORE LOSING CONSCIOUSNESS. REYNOLDS BEAMS OVER TO PULL HAMMOND INTO THE RING AND BACK TO THE AL'KESH.]

BDSMERS: How beautifully he suffersssssss...

AUDIENCE: Um, TMI?

INT. ABOARD THE AL'KESH

[HAMMOND'S STILL UNCONSCIOUS. REYNOLDS IS CHECKING HIM, TRYING TO WAKE HIM.]

NOVAK: He may need mouth-to-mouth.

REYNOLDS: [bug-eyed look] But... but... men touching men? ! We don't DO that on Stargate!!!

AUDIENCE: We've heard.

SLASHERS: So got *that* memo.

NOVAK: [rolls eyes]

SLASHERS: Hey, Chevron Guy might want to volunteer!

[REYNOLDS IS ABOUT TO ATTEMPT CPR WHEN HAMMOND WAKES UP.]

REYNOLDS: Oh, excellent! Excellent waking up, sir. Good job on the crystals, too.

AUDIENCE: [sigh] Can we send a memo that the writers need to grow up and get over their issues?

WRITERS: Well, you can *send* it... they make nice paper airplanes.

[HAMMOND GRABS REYNOLDS BY THE COLLAR, PULLING HIM CLOSE AND WHISPERING SOMETHING.]

SLASHERS: Hammond didn't get the memo, eh?

NOVAK: What did he say?

REYNOLDS: He said, 'get the ship moving'.

SLASHERS: Yeah, sure, that's what he said. We totally believe you.

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

[VALA MAKES SOME ADJUSTMENTS TO THE SHIP'S CRYSTALS, AND IS NOW WORKING AT THE HYPERDRIVE CONTROL PANEL. DANIEL APPEARS, AIMING A ZAT AT HER.]

DANIEL: Lose the weapon; move away from the console.

VALA: I liked you better tied up.

BDSMERS: So did we. [pout] But then you didn't use the proper restraints anyway.

SCARIFICATION FANS: [pout] And no marks worth discussing, either. The hand device takes all the fun out of it.

DANIEL: Against the wall. Lose the weapon.

DANIEL FANS: Ooo, Forceful!Daniel! We likee.

VALA: This suit still absorbs zat blasts.

DANIEL: Then cover your head.

VALA: So, you should probably let me take it off.

DANIEL: I think I'll turn the ship around, first.

VALA: I don't know. If I had me at gunpoint, that wouldn't be my first choice.

DANIEL: Yeah, well...

SLASHERS: But you'd have a *lot* of explaining to do.

[DANIEL MOVES TO THE CONSOLE AND ENTERS A SECURITY CODE, BUT IT'S REJECTED. VALA TELLS HIM SHE REWROTE THE CODES, SO SHE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN ACCESS THE NAVIGATION SYSTEM.]

DANIEL: Undo it.

DANIEL FANS: Isn't that sweet? He asked nicely. For now.

VALA: Listen, hundreds of lives are at stake. I'm trying to save the last of my people, and this ship is their only hope.

STAR WARS FANS: No. There is another.

AUDIENCE: Our Bullshit Detector is off the scale!

DANIEL: Maybe if you'd mentioned that off the top.

VALA: Would you really have helped?

DANIEL FANS: If it was up to him, probably. But it wasn't up to him.

DANIEL: Look, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, we were *also* on a rescue mission.

ATLANTIS FANS: Yes! Yes! Get back to that part!

SG-1 FANS: You've got our budget, you've got your stupid Vegas Stargate, now you want screentime on our SHOW?

FOURGY FANS: If it gets us any closer to Jack/Daniel/John/Rodney, YES! Hell, yes!

[AN ALARM SOUNDS. THERE'S AN AK'KESH ON THE RADAR. VALA SAYS THE AREA IS CRAWLING WITH GOA'ULD AND SHE LEFT THE OTHER AL'KESH DISABLED, SO IT'S PROBABLY NOT DANIEL'S FRIENDS.]

VALA: We have to raise shields and arm weapons.

DANIEL: I'll try and hail them first.

[VALA KICKS OUT, KNOCKING THE ZAT OUT OF HIS HAND, THEN BITCH SLAPS HIM IN THE FACE.]

AERYN SUN FANS: THAT'S what we're talkin' about! Baby, we missed you!

[SHE SWINGS AGAIN, BUT HE STOPS HER AND ELBOWS HER IN THE NOSE.]

VALA: Oh, oh, oh. You hit me.

DANIEL: You hit me.

VALA: Yeah, you know we could just have sex instead.

BDSMERS: There really doesn't have to be an "instead," you know.

[VALA ATTACKS AGAIN, BUT DANIEL FIGHTS BACK. APPARENTLY, HE'S BEEN PAYING ATTENTION TO TEAL'C'S HAND-TO-HAND TRAINING. OR MAYBE SAM'S CONSIDERING THE HAIR PULLING AND BITCH SLAPPING. SHE GRABS A FIRE EXTINGUISHER AND HITS HIM IN THE GROIN AND HE DOUBLES OVER.

DANIEL: [ow]

MEN IN THE AUDIENCE: [cover groins in sympathy]

DANIEL FANS: Owie. But we'll kiss it better.

BDSMERS: You're learning, grasshoppers.

SOUTH PARK FANS: Oh yeah, you just can't beat a kick to the nuts for high comedy.

CARTMAN: He just needs to tell this bitch to get in the kitchen and make him some pie, dammit!

INT. ABOARD AL'KESH

[THEY'VE CAUGHT UP WITH THE PROMETHEUS, BUT THEY'RE NOT RESPONDING TO THEIR HAIL.]

NOVAK: [hiccup]

AUDIENCE: Can we have Vala bitch slap the hiccups out of Novak? Thanks bunches.

BDSMERS OF THE FEMSLASHER VARIETY: Just get us some video, OK?

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

[THE FIGHT CONTINUES. DANIEL'S ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES, VALA JUMPS ON HIM, TRYING TO SQUEEZE HIS HEAD WITH HER THIGHS. DANIEL STANDS UP, WITH HER ON HIS SHOULDERS. SHE GRABS AN OVERHEAD BEAM AND HE GETS FREE, BUT SHE KICKS HIM, AND HE FALLS TO THE GROUND. SHE JUMPS ON TOP OF HIM AGAIN.

VALA: Are we done?

AERYN SUN FANS: Only if you're done holding back, baby.

DANIEL: I am.

[SHE PULLS HIM UP BY HIS SHIRT AND KISSES HIM. HE STOPS HER.]

DANIEL/VALA SHIPPERS: We're having funny feelings.

SMUTTERS: Welcome to the Dark Side!

DANIEL: You're a fruitcake!

DANIEL FANS: But she has good taste in men!

SLASHERS: So does Jack, who's *so* going to kill this bitch dead, dead, dead.

H/C FANS: Either way, we're going to get some great fic out of this, because we damn well know Daniel's never going to get comfort onscreen.

[VALA HEAD BUTTS HIM, AND HE FALLS BACK DAZED. SHE GOES BACK TO THE NAVIGATION CONTROLS, BUT DANIEL ZATS HER.]

AERYN SUN FANS: And that, kids, is how we know it really, truly isn't our girl. She carries a *much* bigger gun.

INT. ABOARD AL'KESH

[THEY HAVE THE PROMETHEUS ONSCREEN AND IN WEAPONS RANGE. THEY'RE GOING TO TARGET THE REAR THRUSTERS, TO TAKE OUT HER SUB-LIGHT CAPABILITY.]

PROMETHEUS: [zoom, zoom, zoom]

MAZDA LAWYERS: Watch it!

WRITERS: It's an...

AUDIENCE: HOMAAAAAAGE!

REYNOLDS: She just jumped into hyperspace.

AUDIENCE: Ya think?

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIG

[VALA IS FLAT ON HER BACK ON THE FLOOR. SHE'S NOW WEARING A BLUE FLIGHT SUIT.]

VALA: Ow. Oh, that's just great.

DANIEL FANS: Isn't it? Daniel's hands had to be ALL OVER you, you ungrateful wench. Well, you *were* unconscious and missed it all, but *still*!

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

[DANIEL IS WATCHING THE VIEWSCREEN, WATCHING HYPERSPACE GO BY. ON A MONITOR, HE HEARS VALA WAKING UP.]

DANIEL: I see you.

[SHE WALKS OVER TO THE VIDEO CAMERA, WHILE HE WAVES AT HER IMAGE.]

VALA: Did you have fun taking off my clothes?

MALES IN THE AUDIENCE: We would have had a lot more fun if it was done onscreen.

DANIEL: It was your idea.

VALA: No, I meant when I was conscious, you know, so I could distract you and kick you in the head.

DANIEL: I kept my eyes closed the whole time.

VALA: I'm sure you did.

MALES IN THE AUDIENCE: Oh, we're so sure too. Um. Slashers? Any word on video yet?

SLASHERS: No.

MALES IN THE AUDIENCE: Dammit.

[DANIEL MOVES HIS FINGERS OVER VALA'S IMAGE ON THE MONITOR, IMAGINING SQUISHING HER HEAD.]

KIDS IN THE HALL FANS: I squish your head! Hee!

DANIEL: So, where're we goin'?

VALA: I told you, to save my people. Can you please let me out of here?

DANIEL: Oh... no.

VALA: You know, I haven't eaten in days.

DANIEL: [rolling his eyes] Could you please tell me how to access the navigation controls?

VALA: It isn't very nice, you know, starving a prisoner to death. Come on, you've seen me naked. The least you could do is cook me dinner.

VALA FANS: Yeah, you're supposed to buy the lady dinner *before* you strip her clothes off.

DANIEL: [rolls eyes]

DANIEL FANS: Sweetie, please stop doing that. Your face is going to freeze that way.

INT. PROMETHEUS MESS HALL

[DANIEL AND VALA ARE SEATED AT OPPOSITE ENDS OF A DINING TABLE. VALA IS EATING, WHILE DANIEL IS AIMING A ZAT AT HER. SHE ASKS IF HE KNOWS THE TOK'RA. HE SAYS YES, SO SHE SPINS A YARN ABOUT THE TOK'RA INCITING A REBELLION ON HER PLANET. SHE WAS THE HOST TO THE GOA'ULD IN CONTROL, AND WAS TORTURED FOR DAYS BY HER FORMER SUBJECTS. THE TOK'RA APPARENTLY TOOK PITY ON HER, REMOVED THE GOA'ULD AND NURSED HER BACK TO HEALTH.]

AUDIENCE: This is meant to convince us of her essential goodness?

ATLANTIS FANS: And the priority of her mission over relieving the troops in the Pegasus Galaxy?

WRITERS: Well, yeah. She's hot! That usually does the trick with sci fi fans!

WOMEN IN AUDIENCE: Where are the Ishta fans when you need them?

ISHTA FANS: [sound of many knives being sharpened] You rang?

DANIEL: You said your people are in trouble now.

VALA: Well, it was only a matter of time before the forces of another Goa'uld showed up. A system lord named Camulus.

CAMULUS FANS: [perk] Oh, really now?

KILT TARTS: Regimental, was he?

[VALA SAYS THE TOK'RA DISAPPEARED, BUT THE PEOPLE REFUSED TO SURRENDER. HER PEOPLE CONTROLLED SHIPS, AND MOVED PEOPLE TO A NEARBY MOON. BUT THERE WAS NO STARGATE THERE, AND NOT ENOUGH SHIPS TO RELOCATE EVERYONE AGAIN. CAMULUS DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE ALIVE AND SEEMED TO HAVE LITTLE INTEREST IN THE OTHER PLANETS IN THE SYSTEM, SO THEY WERE SAFE FOR A TIME. THEY USED THEIR SHIPS TO STEAL SUPPLIES AND THE LIKE.]

DANIEL: You know that Camulus is gone now. He was beaten by Ba'al.

BDSMERS: We hope the proper equipment was used.

BA'AL FANS: Ba'al's commitment to quality torture is *canon,* you imbeciles.

VALA: And Ba'al's forces are searching every inhabitable world in Camulus' territory. His ships are everywhere. It's only a matter of time before my people are found.

BA'AL FANS: Yes, he's very... thorough.

TOK'RA FANS: We'll give him "E" for effort.

DANIEL: So you got desperate and tried to steal that Al'kesh.

VALA: It was damaged in the firefight. I was hoping one of my ships would answer my distress call. I'm sure you can imagine how lucky I felt when this ship showed up. It's big enough to rescue all my people and take them to a world far away... free from the Goa'uld.

AUDIENCE: Our Bullshit Detector is pegging out at 11.

ATLANTIS FANS: And about time, too. Can we move on past this wench's issues and get to the Pegasus Galaxy to take care of the really serious issues? Shep's running dangerously low on hair gel.

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIG

[DANIEL OPENS THE CELL DOOR AND PUTS VALA INSIDE.]

VALA: You don't have to lock me up.

DANIEL: Oh, I think I do.

BDSMERS: Oh, my, yesssss.

VALA: What difference is it going to make? The ship is automatically flying to my homeworld. You can't stop it.

DANIEL: Well, when I get to your planet, I'll just explain the situation to your people. Maybe there's something we can work out.

VALA: My people are not going to trust you. You have to let me talk to them.

DANIEL FANS: Bitch, please. *Every*one loves Daniel! [looks at the writers] Well, just about everyone.

DANIEL: No.

[SHE TRIES TO PLEAD HER CASE AGAIN, BUT HE SHUTS THE DOOR.]

VALA: This is bad.

STAR WARS FANS: No, no. The line is, "I've got a bad feeling about this.

BDSMERS: No, not really. Consider it an exercise in... anticipation.

DANIEL FANS: We would!

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

[THE SHIP HAS ARRIVED AT ITS DESTINATION. DANIEL IS SITTING IN THE COMMAND CHAIR, WHEN HE HEARS A VOICE OVER THE COMM SYSTEM.]

TENAT: Vala, this is Tenat. We have you on our scanners.

DANIEL: Uh, yeah. Hi.

TENAT: Where is Vala?

DANIEL: She's here. She's just indisposed at the moment.

BDSMERS: Video footage?

SLASHERS: Wait for it.

TENAT: She did not mention she was working with someone.

DANIEL: No, I guess not. Look, I realize I owe you an explanation, and it's a bit of a long story, really.

TENAT: We will hear it in person and inspect your vessel.

DANIEL: That's good. Because apparently we're coming in for a landing.

TENAT: We will meet you at the designated coordinates.

DANIEL: Okie dokie, see you there.

DANIEL FANS: Daniel! You're a linguist! Okie dokie? You've been around Jack too much.

SLASHERS: You say that like it's a bad thing.

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIG

[VALA IS TRYING TO OPEN THE CELL DOOR, BUT IT DOESN'T WORK. SHE THEN STANDS IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA, DECIDING TO TELL DANIEL THE LATEST VERSION OF THE TRUTH.]

VALA: I hope you can hear me. The planet we just landed on is not my homeworld. Whatever you do, you must not go out there.

JACK FANS: Oh, like that would have worked even if he'd heard it. The man does NOT change.

EXT. SURFACE OF A MOON

[DANIEL IS DRESSED IN BITS OF THE SUPER SOLDIER ARMOR, INCLUDING THE CODPIECE OF DOOM, AND IS APPROACHING TWO ALIENS WHO HAVE A CHEST ON THE GROUND.]

DANIEL FANS: Um, too late. We have a bad feeling about this. Especially since the aliens look like rejects from the cantina scene in Star Wars.

DANIEL: Hi guys!

TENAT: Who are you?

DANIEL: Uh, name's Olo, Hans Olo.

STAR WARS FANS: [palmface]

WRITERS: Ingrates! Why do we even try?

AUDIENCE: We don't know and wouldn't mind terribly if you'd stop it.

LUCASFILM LAWYERS: Us, either.

[TENAT SAYS THEY'LL ONLY DO BUSINESS WITH VALA.]

DANIEL: Business. Yeah, that figures. Not that I'm surprised or anything. I don't look surprised to you do I?

TENAT: What?

DANIEL: It's just I was expecting some refugees in need of transport to another planet. Human sort of refugees. Not that there's anything wrong with you guys, that I know of.

STAR WARS FANS: Except that they're lame, low-budget rip-offs of the real thing.

ATLANTIS FANS: [whistling innocently] The budget thing's not *really* their fault.

WRITERS: "Riff on." We're sure you meant to say "riff on," not rip-off.

[THE ALIENS OPEN THE CHEST TO SHOW OFF WEAPONS GRADE NAQUADAH.]

DANIEL: Ooh, that's nice.

TENAT: This was the price we agreed upon. This ship is impressive in size, but we cannot-

DANIEL: Okay, you know what? Uh, seriously, there's been a big misunderstanding. I don't care what you've got, I'm not gonna sell you the ship, so-

[THE ALIENS DRAW THEIR WEAPONS, AND DANIEL DRAWS HIS ZAT.]

DANIEL FANS: Any fans who continue to refer to Daniel as "weak" or any variation thereof should now get a kick to the nuts.

BDSMERS: It wasn't us, but we'd take one anyway. Since y'all are offering so kindly.

[TENAT DEMANDS TO HAVE THE SHIP, BUT GLIDERS FLY OVERHEAD, FIRING ON THE PROMETHEUS.]

TENAT: Goa'uld gliders! Fool, you were followed!

DANIEL: Of *course* we were. Okay, you know what? I'd love to stay and chat but-

DANIEL FANS: It's just one of *those* days isn't it?

JACK BAUER: I've had days like that. I keep hearing this clock beeping too. Weird.

[DANIEL ZATS THE OTHER ALIEN. TENAT SHOOTS AT HIM, BUT THE SUPER SOLDIER SUIT DOES ITS JOB AND DANIEL'S PROTECTED. DANIEL THEN ZATS TENAT AND RUNS BACK INTO THE PROMETHEUS.]

DANIEL FANS: He really needs to wear that suit all the time. Maybe he won't be dead so much.

AUDIENCE: But can we lose the Codpiece of Doom?

BDSMERS: We don't know... it's kind of... kinky.

INT. PROMETHEUS CORRIDOR

[DANIEL TAKES OFF THE ARMOR BITS AS HE RUNS.]

DANIEL FANS: But not *enough* clothing went flying, dammit.

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

[DANIEL TALKS TO VALA VIA THE VIDEO SCREEN HOOKUP, TELLING HER THEY'RE BEING ATTACKED BY GLIDERS, AND WANTING TO KNOW HOW TO ACCESS THE SHIP'S SYSTEMS.]

VALA: Let me out, and I'll help you.

DANIEL: You gotta be kidding me!

FARSCAPE FANS: She never jokes about that sort of thing. Trust us.

[ANOTHER EXPLOSION NEARBY.]

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIG

[DANIEL ARRIVES AND OPENS THE DOOR, REVEALING VALA WITH A FAKE SMILE PLASTERED ON HER FACE. DANIEL KEEPS HIS ZAT AIMED AT HER.]

DANIEL: Let's go. No funny stuff.

WRITERS: Given that "Stargate SG-1" is a comedy, we consider that to be masterful irony.

AUDIENCE: And we consider that you're all messed up in the head.

[THEY HEAD TOWARDS THE BRIDGE.]

VALA: What did you do with my buyers?

STAR WARS FANS: Han Solo shot first, of course!

DANIEL: We'll talk about that later.

VALA: And the naquadah?

[SHE STOPS WALKING.]

DANIEL: Move!

VALA: Do you have any idea what that is worth?

AUDIENCE: It's going to be worth your life, if you don't get your ass in gear. Besides, he only drags naquadah around under the influence of Tok'ra Barbie.

WRITERS: Hey! That's someone we could bring back!

AUDIENCE: [perk] To kill off?

WRITERS: Oh, that's funny! No, silly fans! For Felger!

NOROMOS: Well, that's a match made in Hell, iddn't it?

[DANIEL PICKS HER UP IN A FIREMAN'S CARRY AND TAKES HER TO THE BRIDGE.]

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

[VALA TELLS DANIEL TO RAISE THE SHIELDS, THEN THE PROMETHEUS LIFTS OFF, STILL UNDER HEAVY FIRE FROM THE GLIDERS.

DANIEL: What are you waiting for? Let's go to hyperspace!

VALA: I can't; it's not working. We've already taken too much hull damage. But we have incoming Al'kesh. Arm weapons.

AUDIENCE: And of course there are no interior bulkheads that can seal off the damaged area.

STAR TREK FANS: Duh. You use force fields for that.

[THEY'RE STILL TAKING HITS, AND THE SHIELDS ARE FAILING. THE WEAPONS SYSTEM BEGINS TARGETING GLIDERS, BUT THE SHIELDS ARE DOWN AND THEY'RE ALMOST OUT OF WEAPONS. ONE OF THE AL'KESH FIRES ON ANOTHER AL'KESH, DESTROYING IT.]

VALA: What just happened?

FARSCAPE FANS: She does more rescuing than getting rescued; it slips her mind what this sort of thing looks like.

DANIEL: An Al'kesh just took out one of its own.

INT. ABOARD THE AL'KESH

HAMMOND: Nice work, Sergeant. Target the second Al'kesh. Fire at will.

CHEVRON GUY: Roger that, sir.

AUDIENCE: It's nice to blow shit up instead of just counting down the chevrons, isn't it?

CHEVRON GUY: Whee!

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

[HAMMOND CONTACTS DANIEL VIA THE COMM SYSTEM, ASKING IF HE'S OK. HE SAYS "WE'RE FINE" AND HAMMOND ASKS IF THEY'RE CLEAR TO RING ABOARD. DANIEL TELLS VALA TO UNLOCK THE SYSTEM, SINCE THE GLIDERS HAVE RETREATED. ONCE SHE DOES, HE GIVES HAMMOND THE ALL CLEAR.]

VALA: What are you gonna do with me?

DANIEL: I'm not sure.

VALA: Look, Daniel, whatever happens, I just want you to know-

DANIEL/VALA SHIPPERS: That you're totally hot and...

[DANIEL ZATS HER, THEN ROLLS HIS EYES.]

DANIEL/VALA SHIPPERS: Hey, no fair! [...] Wait. We can still work with this.

SLASHERS: No, you can't.

INT. PROMETHEUS CORRIDOR

[HAMMOND, DANIEL AND NOVAK ARE WALKING. NOVAK'S TELLING THEM THE SHIELDS AND HYPERDRIVE ARE ONLINE, BUT THERE WAS SIGNIFICANT HULL DAMAGE. SHE DOESN'T RECOMMEND A LONG JOURNEY IN HYPERSPACE.]

HAMMOND: I'm afraid but we have no choice but to return to Earth.

ATLANTIS FANS: Nice to have a choice, innit? Not that we're bitter you put some alien distress call over YOUR OWN PEOPLE or anything.

SG-1 FANS: Oh, go play with your Vegas Gate and quit whining!

DANIEL: How long before the ship's ready to go again?

NOVAK: Hard to say.

AUDIENCE: Until the next time the writers need a starship ex machina.

ATLANTIS FANS: Hey, that could be a spoiler! Use spoiler space!

HAMMOND: It's good work, Doctor, both here and on the Al'kesh.

NOVAK: Thank you, sir.

DANIEL FANS: And where's Daniel's thanks, hm?

[NOVAK STARTS TO WALK AWAY.]

DANIEL: Hey? Hiccups are gone, huh?

NOVAK: I didn't even notice. I guess I was having too much fun.

[THE SHIP'S ALARM SOUNDS.]

CHEVRON GUY (over comm system): This is *not* an unscheduled offworld activation. Repeat, this is *not* an unscheduled offworld activation. Security to Level Four, the prisoner has escaped.

AERYN SUN FANS: Well, DUH.

DANIEL FANS: Yeah, someone besides Daniel locked her up.

BDSMERS: It's not nice to hand off a partner without prior permission.

DANIEL: Ring room!

[DANIEL AND HAMMOND LEAVE IN A HURRY, LEAVING NOVAK BEHIND ALL IMPRESSED SHE GOT OVER HER DAMNED HICCUPS.]

AUDIENCE: It's nice that *some*one's impressed.

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

[HAMMOND ARRIVES AND REQUESTS A STATUS REPORT.]

CHEVRON GUY: Security Team One unresponsive. And the rings on level four just activated, sir.

AUDIENCE: Chevron Guy has a serious future if the writers succeed in getting rid of the Stargate.

WRITERS: Yeahhhhhhhh...

STARGATE: Why must you vex me so?

INT. PROMETHEUS CORRIDOR

[DANIEL WALKS DOWN THE CORRIDOR, STEPPING PAST UNCONSCIOUS CREWMEN. HE ENTERS THE RING ROOM, AND FINDS SG-3 UNCONSCIOUS ON THE PLATFORM. DANIEL GETS ONE OF THEIR RADIOS AND CONTACTS HAMMOND.]

DANIEL: General Hammond? SG-3 was just transported here. She's on the Al'kesh.

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

[THE AL'KESH BEGINS TO MOVE AWAY.]

HAMMOND: Lock weapons on its engines.

CHEVRON GUY: Aft thrusters targeted.

[DANIEL ARRIVES ON THE BRIDGE, BREATHLESS FROM RUNNING.]

CHEVRON GUY: Target is...

AL'KESH: Bye-bye, thanks for playing!

FARSCAPE FANS: Gone to starburst?

CHEVRON GUY: Ah, it's gone, sir.

HAMMOND: Can we track it?

CHEVRON GUY: No, sir. Our long-range scanners are being scrambled.

DANIEL: She's good.

VALA FANS: She's even better when she's bad.

FARSCAPE FANS: Amen to that.

FADE OUT

END CREDITS

NEXT WEEK, IT'S GOOD TO BE KING, IN WHICH WE DISCOVER HARRY MAYBOURNE'S A LOVABLE RASCALLY BASTARD. STILL.

JACK/HARRY SLASHERS: We'll bring the popcorn. And the lube.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: We'll bring the guns to keel you all dead.

BDSMERS: Imbeciles? [loom menacingly]

BA'AL FANS: [edging away] Just wait til they install that gravity shaft in here...

PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER THE SHOW: Do y'all have any idea how hard it is to clean up blood?

BDSMERS AND BA'AL FANS: Yes.

PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER THE SHOW: We *so* need a raise. Hazard pay. Something.