8.13 It's Good to be King: The Breadbox Edition

TEASER

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[SAM PLAYS EXPOSITION GIRL (NEW AND IMPROVED, WITH LESS TECHNOBABBLE!), GIVING AN UPDATE TO DANIEL, TEAL'C AND JACK ABOUT THE GOA'ULD. SHORT VERSION, BA'AL IS WINNING, THE REST ARE DEAD OR RUNNING AND HIDING UNDER THE NEAREST ROCK. THE TOK'RA HAVE PASSED ON WORD THAT PLANETS LONG NEGLECTED BY THE SYSTEM LORDS ARE NOW BEING CONSIDERED POSSIBLE SITES FOR SANCTUARY.]

JACK: And this affects us... how?

DANIEL: One of these planets, which used to fall under the domain of the System Lord Ares, also happens to be the place where the Tok'ra dropped off one Harry Maybourne two years ago.

JACK: And this affects us... how?

JACK/HARRY SLASHERS: We might as well buy our cigarettes now, because we'll probably need a smoke before this is over.

SAM: The Tok'ra have their hands full with more pressing matters. They strongly suggest we get to Maybourne before the Goa'uld do.

AUDIENCE: And why are they bothering to tell us? What do they want now?

JACK: [...]

TEAL'C: If we do not retrieve him, Harry Maybourne faces certain capture.

JACK: [...]

TEAL'C: Torture, interrogation... Perhaps even death.

JACK: All right, fine. Go get him.

JACK/HARRY SLASHERS: Strip him, bathe him, bring him to the office. Jack need to break in his new chair!

EXT. ALIEN STARGATE

SAM: According to the Tok'ra, the people of this world are fairly primitive.

Audience: Primitive? The Tok'ra think we're pretty darn primitive, so...

DANIEL: No phones, no lights, no motorcars. I betcha Maybourne just jumps at a chance to leave.

SLASHERS: Not if he's got those cabana boys Jack mentioned last time he was with Harry.

DANIEL FANS: We're glad Daniel gets to show his sense of humor, but does it have to sound so much like Jack?

SLASHERS: Force of habit now.

DANIEL FANS: Is the Cosmic Giddiness contagious?

NOT FANS OF DUMB!JACK: Oh god, we hope not. But if so, take solace that it only hurts for a little while... a season or two. Or three.

[SAM SAYS THE PLAN IS TO RELOCATE THE NATIVES, SINCE ARES COULD BE THERE IN A MATTER OF DAYS.]

XENA FANS: Ares? [perk]

[SOME OF THE AFOREMENTIONED LOCALS EMERGE FROM THE BUSHES WITH CROSSBOWS IN HAND, AND SURROUND SG-.75. THEY TRY TO EXPLAIN THEY'RE NOT THERE TO CAUSE ANY HARM.]

DANIEL: We're just, uh, looking for a friend of ours. Harry Maybourne. Maybe you've heard of him? Shifty fella, beady eyes? No?

DANIEL FANS: Are we *sure* the Asgard didn't mess anything up when Jack was "merged" with the DanielJackson? Maybe Daniel got some really funky feedback from his namesake?

GARAN: You will follow us to the village and meet with King Arkhan. He will discern your true intentions.

[GARAN HEADS TOWARDS THE VILLAGE, WITH SG-.75 IN TOW.]

EXT. ALIEN VILLAGE

DANIEL: Not exactly the trusting type.

TEAL'C: Which leads me to wonder whether Harry Maybourne is still alive.

SAM: Presumably the Tok'ra put in a good word for him.

AUDIENCE: And why should these people trust the Tok'ra?

DANIEL: Maybe we should get them to do the same for us.

AUDIENCE: See our previous comment.

[THE TEAM IS LED TO STAND IN FRONT OF A THRONE UPON A DAIS. SEVERAL WOMEN SURROUND THE FIGURE ON THE THRONE. ONE OF THE WOMEN MOVES OUT OF THE WAY, REVEALING THEIR KING.]

SAM: Maybourne!

SLASHERS: Yeah, we're shocked too. Do the cabana boys know? We'd be happy to break it to them.

BDSMERS: Just remember to use a safeword.

GARAN: This is King Arkhan. My Lord, our hunting party encountered these off-worlders by the gate.

HARRY: Hey, guys! Long time no see!

AUDIENCE: Oh yeah, he's just *screaming* to leave.

SMUTTERS: Yeah, with all those women around, we're sure there's some screaming going on.

SLASHERS: [pet cabana boys soothingly] We'll be in our bunks.

END TEASER

OPENING CREDITS

INT. KING ARKHAN'S HALL, DAY

[HARRY'S SURROUND BY ADORING FEMALES, WEARING FURS AND A SORT OF PRIMITIVE CROWN.]

SLASHERS: Tsk, tsk. Looks like if you get to be king, you should be able to come all the way out of the closet. Why are the cabana boys not in attendance?

BDSMERS: Maybe they needed a break? Don't want to wear your toys out, now do you? At least not all at once.

HARRY: I shoulda known. I shoulda known you'd be the ones to come.

DANIEL: You were expecting us?

HARRY: Uh, sort of. Where's Jack?

HARRY/JACK SLASHERS: Oh, sweet, he misses Jack!

SAM: General O'Neill's back at the SGC.

HARRY: No kidding. [...] "General O'Neill?" That doesn't sound right. Still, good for Jack. Nice to hear he's doing so well for himself.

NOT FANS OF DUMB JACK: We didn't think it sounded right, either. Validated by canon!

DANIEL FANS: And we wonder why he's not surprised by Daniel's return from Land of the Ascended?

TEAL'C: As, evidently, are you.

HARRY: Yes, well, uh, it's a long story.

AUDIENCE: Make it quick. We're already over ten minutes in. Time's a wasting.

WRITERS: Didn't you say we left too much off screen?

AUDIENCE: Haven't we tried to explain the difference between "show" and "tell?"

SMUTTERS OF ALL STRIPES: [perk]

[HARRY CALLS OUT FOR FOOD AND DRINK TO BE BROUGHT FOR HIS GUESTS, AND THE VILLAGERS SCURRY TO DO HIS BIDDING.]

SAM: We don't have time for this!

NOROMOS: We don't have time for your silly attempts at a love life either, but that doesn't seem to stop the writers.

WRITERS: It's character development, and you bitch when we don't do it!

SNIT: It's cheap pandering to the T&A crowd and a waste of the talents *above* her neck.

WRITERS: But isn't below the neck where female development counts m...

AUDIENCE: Just. Stop. Right. THERE.

[HARRY ENCOURAGES THEM TO TRY AN OJUN FRUIT, WHICH HE SAYS IS LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN A GUAVA AND A MANGO.]

DANIEL: (sarcastic) Sort of a guango?

HARRY: I like that! People! Henceforth, ojun fruit shall be called... guango! So shall it be!

DANIEL FANS: Daniel the linguist is probably totally appalled at this turn of events.

NOT FANS OF DUMB!JACK: But Jack would be *so* proud!

AUDIENCE: Not that we'll ever know what Daniel the linguist thinks, given the current crop of writers.

WRITERS: But Daniel made the word because linguists do language! We looked up the root in Mallozzi's guide to Latin for Beginners!

AUDIENCE: [facepalm]

[THE VILLAGERS CHEER AND APPLAUD THEIR KING'S PROCLAMATION.]

HARRY: I get to name all kinds of stuff. You should see the Grateful Dead Burial Ground.

DEADHEADS: It's a long, strange trip, man.

AUDIENCE: For SG-.75, it still is.

SAM: Maybourne, you have to get out of here. You're in danger.

AUDIENCE: Um, and the rest of the people on the planet aren't?

HARRY: I know. The Goa'uld are coming. [he turns his attention back to the guango] Now, you should peel it before you eat it. I find the skin kind of tart.

SAM: You know about the Goa'uld?

HARRY: Oh, yeah.

SNIT: Does that mean he's Mr. National Treasure?

HARRY FANS: Well, of course.

NOROMOS: Oh frell, we certainly hope not.

TEAL'C: You were warned by the Tok'ra.

HARRY: I haven't heard from the Tok'ra since they dropped me off.

SAM: Then how?

SNIT: Awww, Ms. National Treasure needs an upgrade?

HARRY: I can read the future.

SG-.75: [...]

HARRY: Really!

[SAM ASKS WHAT HE'S TRYING TO PULL, AND GARAN SAYS HE'S A PROPHET AND HE FORESAW THEIR ARRIVAL. THEY'RE THERE TO HELP DEFEAT THEIR ENEMY.]

HARRY: Garan's right. It's all part of the prophecy!

SAM: Maybourne, what the hell is going on here?

HARRY: Let's go for a walk.

NOROMOS: Please tell us Harry's not trying to hit on Sam. Please. Please. Please.

HARRY FANS: He's got better taste than that, right?

HARRY/JACK SLASHERS: Why, yes. Yes, he does.

NOROMOS: If he is, we have a case of bleach on hand to clean our eyes and brain.

EXT. ANCIENT TEMPLE RUINS

[HARRY LEADS SG-.75 TO RUINS.]

HARRY: I found this place about, oh, uh, ten months ago when I was out on an afternoon stroll.

SLASHERS: ...with the cabana boys.

CABANA BOYS: He loved us, once! [sob]

BDSMERS: Have to take care of those toys... proper nutrition and exercise are very important.

AUDIENCE: Where did the Noromos put that bleach?!

NOROMOS: We've found a brillo pad *really* helps. You can use it on your eyes too!

TEAL'C: It is quite a distance from the village.

HARRY: I enjoy long walks.

SLASHERS: ...with the cabana boys.

SAM: Right! Long walks, rainy nights, and candlelit dinners. Why are we here, Maybourne?

SLASHERS: Looks like Sam knows the score here.

SNIT: For a change.

[DANIEL DISCOVERS THE WRITING ON THE COLUMNS IS IN ANCIENT, AND ASKS HARRY WHAT THE LOCALS KNOW ABOUT THE RUINS. APPARENTLY NOT MUCH, AS THEY AVOID THE AREA BECAUSE IT'S CLOSE TO THE NAQUADAH MINES WHERE THEIR ANCESTORS WERE ENSLAVED. DANIEL BECOMES ENGROSSED IN THE WRITING, BUT HARRY TELLS HIM THERE'S A COLUMN THAT'S EVEN MORE INCREDIBLE AND LEADS THEM TO IT.]

TEAL'C: What is it?

HARRY: It's a record of the planet's history, covering major events. Only, some of them haven't happened yet.

SAM: What are you talking about?

SNIT: You mean the National Treasure doesn't already have it figured out?

AUDIENCE: She's not on Earth, so the National Treasure superpower is currently out of order.

SNIT: [snerk] Definitely in need of an upgrade.

JACK FANS: [with dawning horror] OMG, she's Jack! She's asking Jack's questions! SHE'S DOING JACK!

S/J SHIPPERS: Well, duh.

NOROMOS: [spit] Sorry, just had a nasty taste in our mouths.

PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER THE SHOW: Clean up in the Noromo section!

DANIEL FANS: Doing everything Jack used to, huh? Welcome to *our* world, sunshine.

SLASHERS: It's due to all their time spent together, you know.

[HARRY EXPLAINS THAT IT TOOK HIM A WHILE TO FIGURE OUT THE CALENDAR SYSTEM, BUT ONCE HE DID, HE REALIZED THERE WERE REFERENCES TO THINGS THAT HADN'T HAPPENED YET. HE DIDN'T THINK MUCH OF IT UNTIL A METEOR SHOWER HAPPENED ON THE DATE THE STONE PREDICTED.]

SAM: You're sure you're reading it correctly?

HARRY: My skills may not compare with Doctor Jackson's, but over the years I've picked up a decent understanding of Ancient writing.

DANIEL FANS: Harrumph. Yet another character stealing Daniel's role in the story.

SNIT: At least it's not Sam, for a change of pace.

DANIEL FANS: You've got a point there.

JACK FANS: No, she's busy asking Jack-questions! We want Jack back!

S/J SHIPPERS & J/D SLASHERS: PREACH IT!

AUDIENCE: You're freaking us out!!!

HARRY: As a result of my translations, I predicted a major flood would destroy the village unless I could convince the elders to move to higher ground.

DANIEL FANS: We just want to know where the Berlitz Language Tapes for Ancient are sold so we can pass notes during the dull bits.

SAM: And of *course* you told them where these predictions came from.

HARRY: No. Well, not in so many words.

HARRY FANS: The truth so rarely works for our boy.

[HARRY SWEARS HE HAD TO PLAY THE ROLE OF PROPHET TO CONVINCE THEM, AND CLAIMS THE WHOLE "KING MAKING" THING WAS THEIR IDEA. DANIEL SAYS THAT HARRY'S AT LEAST PARTLY RIGHT -- IT'S A HISTORICAL LOG. HARRY TELLS HIM TO SKIP TO THE CURRENT TIME, THE FIFTY-FOURTH CYCLE.]

DANIEL: "Commencing the third moon of the fifty-fourth cycle..."

HARRY: Which is around now, give or take a few days.

DANIEL: "...the oppressors of old will return..."

HARRY: That's the Goa'uld.

AUDIENCE: Ya think?

DANIEL: "...to seek dominion over the land. Those of a distant world will come ..."

HARRY: I'm guessing that's you guys.

DANIEL: "...to vanquish the evil and restore order once again."

HARRY: You see? They come, you defeat them, happy ending! That's the prophecy!

SAM: Sorry, but we didn't come here to fight the Goa'uld. We should get going.

DANIEL: Actually, um, this is interesting, and, uh, there's a lot here to translate.

[SAM KNOWS BETTER THAN TO PULL DANIEL AWAY FROM TRANSLATING SOMETHING, SO SHE DECIDES TO GIVE HIM TIME TO CHECK IT OUT.]

JACK FANS: Finally! She's Sam again!

SNIT: Won't last long.

LATER...

[SAM AND TEAL'C ARE PATROLLING THROUGH THE VILLAGE, WHILE DANIEL'S STILL AT THE RUINS. DANIEL CONTACTS SAM VIA RADIO.]

DANIEL (into radio): Maybourne was right.

SAM (into radio): What do you mean?

DANIEL (into radio): Well, from what I've been able to decipher, it's pretty clear. The script on these walls is a historical log compiled by an Ancient who traveled through time to study the evolution of life on this world.

SAM (into radio): Daniel, we know the Ancients experimented with time travel but we have no evidence that they actually mastered it.

DANIEL (into radio): Yeah, well, we do now.

ATLANTIS FANS: Those of us who had the Internet Truck (tm) visiting from Canada with episodes of Atlantis already knew this fact.

SG-1 FANS: What, the Internet runs through the Vegas Slot Gate?

ATLANTIS FANS: Jelllllussss...

[DANIEL SAYS THE WRITINGS ARE ONLY A COUPLE OF HUNDRED YEARS OLD, SO THE ONLY LOGICAL EXPLANATION IS THAT AN ANCIENT TRAVELED TO THE FUTURE AND THEN TO A TIME NOT LONG AGO. THERE ARE REFERENCES TO THE TIME TRAVEL DEVICE ITSELF, DESCRIBED AS BEING IN A SMALL SHIP.]

NOROMOS: Ack! We know what the writers consider a small ship. The damn thing will be bigger than the Titanic.

AUDIENCE: And about as successful in its voyaging?

S/J SHIPPERS: Depends on which ship you're talking about!

SLASHERS: Then it's doomed either way.

[DANIEL SUGGESTS IT'S WORTH A LOOK TO SEE IF THE SHIP IS STILL ON THE PLANET. SAM AND TEAL'C HEAD IN THE DIRECTION OF THE RUINS TO JOIN IN THE SEARCH.]

AUDIENCE: And just why would the Ancients build a timeship and leave it behind? Was the experiment ever completed? Why did they leave writings for it to be found? Was it "destined to be or something? And why... [ow, ow, ow]

WRITERS: What?

AUDIENCE: You know that "ice cream headache" feeling?

WRITERS: Yeah?

AUDIENCE: Time travel theories give us the same thing.

WRITERS: Don't worry about the details. We don't.

AUDIENCE: We feel so reassured.

LATER...

SAM (into radio): I'm scrubbing the search. Fall back to the Gate.

DANIEL (into radio): Sam?

AUDIENCE: Yeah, Daniel, we're shocked that Sam uttered anything that sounded like an order too.

SNIT: Word.

JACK FANS: [hmmph]

[WHILE SAM AND DANIEL ARGUE OVER WHETHER OR NOT TO SPEND MORE TIME SEARCHING, WHILE THEY HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING WHEN THE GOA'ULD WILL ARRIVE, TEAL'C FINDS THE SHIP.]

TEAL'C FANS: Go Teal'c! Way to not prop up a wall!

ATLANTIS FANS: It's a puddle jumper!

STARGATE FANS THAT DON'T WATCH ATLANTIS: A what now in the who what?

MCKAY FANS: It's a gate ship!

STARGATE FANS THAT DON'T WATCH ATLANTIS: We say again, a what now in the who what?

ATLANTIS GIZMO SLASHERS: It has sex with Stargates!

SGC STARGATE: [perk]

SILER'S WRENCH: h0r!

INT. ANCIENT SHIP

[SG-.75 EXPLORES THE ANCIENT SHIP'S INTERIOR. LIGHTS COME ON AUTOMATICALLY AS THEY EXPLORE.]

SAM: It certainly looks like a ship.

SNIT: You certainly know a lot about what a ship looks like. Or not.

NOROMOS: She's been involved with enough of them. At least in her head.

[THEY THEORIZE A PODIUM IN THE REAR OF THE SHIP IS THE TIME TRAVEL DEVICE. EVEN THOUGH IT BEARS LITTLE RESEMBLANCE TO ANCIENT DESIGNS THEY'VE SEEN BEFORE, IT MUST HAVE WORKED AT SOME POINT, JUDGING FROM THE WRITINGS IN THE RUINS.]

SAM: Well, I'm guessing it must manifest some sort of energy field that encompasses the entire ship. Allowing the traveler to literally fly through time.

AUDIENCE: And plot holes...

CONTINUITY FANS: [snerk] This would explain much.

[DANIEL REACHES FOR A CONTROL, BUT SAM SAYS NOT TO, SHE'S RATHER FOND OF THE CURRENT ERA. DANIEL ASKS WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO DO, AND SAM SAYS THEY'RE GOING TO BRING IT BACK.]

SAM: Judging by the dimensions, it looks like it was actually designed to fit through the Gate.

MCKAY FANS: It's a *gate* ship, duh.

GIZMO SMUTTERS: Fits rather neatly, too.

[THEY THINK THE SHIP MIGHT FUNCTION, BUT THEY'D NEED AN ANCIENT TO MAKE IT WORK. OR AT LEAST SOMEONE CLOSE ENOUGH.]

NOT-FANS OF DUMB!JACK: Close enough is a Jack-ian specialty these days!

EXT. ALIEN STARGATE

[JACK ARRIVES VIA THE GATE, AND IS GREETED BY HARRY AND SOME OF THE VILLAGERS, INCLUDING A GROUP OF MUSICIANS WHO BEGIN PLAYING MUSIC AT HARRY'S SIGNAL.]

RENFEST FANS: Let the revels begin! And if you can't enjoy yourself... enjoy someone else!

HARRY/JACK SLASHERS: They're just giving us this stuff on a platter.

HARRY: Jack! It's great to see ya! How long's it been?

JACK: Oh, since that time you got us stranded off-world and tried to kill me.

HARRY: That takes me back! Aha, I guess congratulations are in order. You made general.

JACK: You made king!

HARRY: Right, well, it's, uh, not a contest.

SLASHERS: Not in public, anyway, unless they're exhibitionists.

AUDIENCE: If it was, Harry won.

[HARRY BEGINS TO LEAD JACK AWAY FROM THE GATE.]

HARRY: I'm, uh, hoping that you can stay for a while, check out the sights. Take in the culture. I want you to feel at home here.

HARRY/JACK SLASHERS: You've got to be kidding us. Can things get any slashier?

TRIO-SMUTTERS: Of course. Daniel could walk up and join them.

FOURGY FANS: And Teal'c.

S/J SHIPPERS: And then Sam would kill them all to defend her man!

NOROMOS: [whimper] Mommy, make the voices stop!

JACK: Harry, you're aware of the fact that this place is gonna be overrun by a gaggle of bad guys soon?

HARRY/JACK SLASHERS: Yeah, so time for a quickie. Maybe later.

HARRY: Yeah, well, maybe.

JACK: Right. Carter told me about this prophecy stuff. It's not gonna go down that way, y'know.

HARRY/JACK SLASHERS: Go down? [mmph]

HARRY: Oh, come on, Jack, you've defeated System Lords before.

JACK: No! You've got to tell these people they've gotta start packing. We'll take as many as we can.

HARRY: I can't. I already told them you'd save the day.

JACK: Let me ask you a question. Did this prophecy mention anything about casualties? How many people would die in the fighting?

HARRY: It's not really that detailed.

JACK: Does it say anything about the king surviving at all?

HARRY: Actually, there's, um, no reference to me specifically. I just assumed that...

AUDIENCE: Harry's getting a wee bit nervous, iddn't he?

JACK: Yeah. Do you really wanna take that chance, Harry? D'you wanna roll those dice?

DANIEL FANS: And if he was such a hot shot translator, why didn't he look at the rest of the prophesies to see what happens next? This is what happens when you use amateurs instead of professionals!

HARRY: It's not gonna be easy to convince them, Jack.

JACK: You can do it, Harry, you're the king.

[JACK PUTS HIS HAND ON HARRY'S SHOULDER, AND THE SLASHERS PASS OUT.]

JACK: And remember... it's good to be king.

HALF OF THE AUDIENCE: It is said that the people are revolting.

OTHER HALF OF THE AUDIENCE: You said it! They stink on ice!

PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T SEEN "HISTORY OF THE WORLD: PART I": Say what?

INT. ANCIENT SHIP

[SAM IS WORKING INSIDE THE ANCIENT SHIP, WITH WIRES DANGLING FROM THE ROOF, AS JACK AND DANIEL ARRIVE.]

JACK: Nice ride!

DANIEL: Yeah, Ancients like to fly in style.

[JACK SITS IN THE PILOT SEAT, WHILE DANIEL STANDS NEARBY.]

JACK: You're gonna have to help me out here, Carter. Got any quarters?

SAM: Unfortunately I can't help you with this one, Sir, you're on your own.

SNIT: [faint]

JACK: Fine. How do we know we're not gonna end up back at the Alamo?

SAM: Um, well, for one thing, that was on Earth. But more importantly I've separated the time device from the control circuits. [...] I think. Concentrate on powering up the engines.

JACK: Concentrate?

AUDIENCE: Or click your heels three times.

[SAM AND DANIEL WAIT EXPECTANTLY WHILE JACK CLOSES HIS EYES AND CONCENTRATES.]

NOT FANS OF DUMB!JACK: They might have a long wait.

JACK: Got nothin'.

NOT FANS OF DUMB!JACK: We've noticed.

DANIEL: Uh... Come on, Jack. You've already proven that the Ancient gene you possess allows you to operate Ancient technology. It's no different than, uh, the device in Antarctica. Just...

[DANIEL CLOSES HIS EYES.]

DANIEL (dramatically): Ffffocus your mind.

DANIEL FANS: [mesmerized]

[JACK AND SAM GIVE HIM A STRANGE LOOK.]

SNIT: At least there were no Doe Eyes of Death involved.

SLASHERS: Daniel looks a bit self-conscious. Probably remembering what happened the last time Jack had *him* in focus.

[JACK TAKES OFF HIS CAP, CLOSES HIS EYES AND TRIES AGAIN. CONTROLS BEGIN TO COME ON AND THE ENGINE STARTS.]

DANIEL: Good. Good!

[EVERYTHING STOPS.]

DANIEL: Not so good.

AUDIENCE: Ya think?

J/D SLASHERS: Remember the benefits of positive reinforcement, Daniel!

EXT. ALIEN VILLAGE, DAY

[THE VILLAGERS ARE PREPARING FOR THE COMING BATTLE, WHILE TEAL'C ASKS WHEN HARRY'S GOING TO SAY SOMETHING TO HIS PEOPLE.]

HARRY: I'm getting to that. It's just... Well, I'm thinking about what I'm gonna say.

TEAL'C: Perhaps you should consider telling the truth.

HARRY: That's one strategy.

AUDIENCE: And one you've never tried.

HARRY FANS: Because he goes with what works best for him!

[TEAL'C REMINDS HIM HE HAS TO DO SOMETHING SOON, THEY'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME. UNBEKNOWNST TO TEAL'C AND HARRY, GARAN HAS OVERHEARD THIS DISCUSSION.]

AUDIENCE: Now that can't be good, can it?

INT. ANCIENT SHIP

[SAM TECHNOBABBLES A BIT, WHILE TRYING TO GET THE SHIP GOING. JACK TRIES TO LOOK INTELLIGENT FOR MORE THAN TWO SECONDS, BUT FAILS MISERABLY, AS USUAL OF LATE. DANIEL'S APPARENTLY TWIDDLING HIS THUMBS OR SOMETHING. SAM TELLS JACK TO TRY THE CONTROLS AGAIN, AND SPARKS FLY.]

NOROMOS: That's the only way you could have sparks flying around those two.

WRITERS: [suspicious] Who's sending you advance copies of the scripts?

EXT. ALIEN WOODLAND THAT LOOKS REMARKABLY LIKE CANADA

[JACK, SAM AND DANIEL ARE OUTSIDE OF THE MOSTLY CONCEALED SHIP. SAM ASKS FOR MORE TIME, JACK SAYS NO, DANIEL ACTS PISSED. JACK SAYS THERE'S NOTHING THEY CAN DO. A SYSTEM LORD AND HIS FUN-LOVING JAFFA ARE ON THE WAY. IF THEY CAN'T SALVAGE THE SHIP, THEY'RE GOING TO BLOW IT UP.]

NOROMOS: Woo hoo!

WRITERS: Not *that* ship.

NOROMOS: Damn.

WRITERS: But we do like that you're enjoying the idea of shit blowing up.

NOROMOS: *Ship* blowing up. Ship, ship, ship!

WRITERS: Oh, we'll have more shippy scenes coming right up. Don't you worry your little heads.

NOROMOS: [bangs heads repeatedly against nearest flat surface]

[GARAN AND HER HUNTING PARTY SURROUND THEM.]

GARAN: Surrender your weapons, or die where you stand!

DANIEL FANS: Daniel's still got a "get out of death free" card, right?

GARAN: We will not allow you to take King Arkhan from us.

[JACK SAYS ARKHAN IS A FRAUD, WHILE THE GROUP SAYS HE'S A WISE SEER.]

DANIEL: He can only interpret what's been written on the pillars of the temple ruins not far from here. Now, those writings hold the prophecies, and anyone who can read them can make the same predictions.

GARAN: That is a lie.

[DANIEL SUGGESTS GOING BACK TO THE VILLAGE AND LETTING KING ARKHAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING. SHE STILL INSISTS THEY'RE TO LOWER THEIR WEAPONS. DANIEL COAXES EVERYONE TO RELAX THEIR GUARD AND LOWER THEIR WEAPONS.]

JACK: God, I miss goin' offworld! Oh, yeah!

AUDIENCE: So do we!

STARGATE: I sit here, and I wait, and I wait... Nobody calls. Nobody writes. Not even so much as a birthday card.

ATLANTIS GATE: They've all gone where the action is! [twirl]

STARGATE: Bitch! At least *I* really twirl, instead of faking it with flashing lights!

ATLANTIS GATE: You ain't been twirling much lately, have ya toots?

EXT. ALIEN VILLAGE

[THE VILLAGERS ARE BUSTLING ABOUT AS THE TEAM RETURNS TO TALK TO HARRY ABOUT THE SITUATION.]

HARRY: Okay, look, I'll admit that when I first found the ruins, I did plan to use them to my personal advantage. But all that changed once I became King Arkhan the First.

JACK: Oh, please!

HARRY: It's true, Jack. I care about these people. I want to help them.

JACK: Then tell 'em the truth. Come clean on all this stuff.

HARRY: I've already arranged for an assembly with the, uh, village elders. I'm gonna tell them we have to leave.

HARRY FANS: Who are you, and what have you done with our weasel-boy?

EXT. ALIEN VILLAGE

[HARRY ADDRESSES THE VILLAGERS, TELLING THEM THEY'RE IN DANGER AND MUST ABANDON THEIR WORLD TO GO TO A SAFE PLACE. THE VILLAGERS AIN'T BUYING.]

VILLAGER: But the prophecy was clear. The enemy will be defeated.

HARRY: Ah, yes, uh, the prophecy was clear, but only up to a certain point. After that it was somewhat, uh, unclear - uh, sort of, uh, murky clarity.

VILLAGERS: [mutter, mutter, mutter]

HARRY: Of course the enemy will be defeated. But... there is a chance that some of us may get hurt or even killed in the process, and I am not willing to...

HUNTSMAN: Impossible! You assured us we would be safe!

VILLAGERS: [mutter, mutter, mutter]

AUDIENCE: Sucks when they remember the minor details, doesn't it?

WRITERS: We've *always* said that.

HARRY: Yes, I, I remember that. Uh, however...

[HARRY LOOKS TO JACK, AND JACK URGES HIM TO GO FOR IT.]

HARRY/JACK SLASHERS: Oh *really* now?

HARRY: The truth is, I've not been entirely honest with you. I am not a seer. I don't possess insight into the future or divine powers that set me apart. I'm just a regular guy, no more or less special than any of you.

VILLAGERS: [mutter, mutter, mutter]

HUNTSMAN: But the prophecies!

AUDIENCE: They're more than a bit thick, aren't they?

[HARRY TELLS THE TRUTH (GASP) ABOUT THE PROPHECIES, HOW HE TOOK ADVANTAGE OF THEM AND TAKES OFF HIS CROWN.]

GARAN: What about the design for the new watermill? Was this written on the temple wall as well?

HARRY: Uh, no, that was from me.

GARAN: And our new medicines? Our legal code? The irrigation system? Were these things also found in the ruins?

HARRY: No.

GARAN: These were not the acts of a pretender, but of a leader!

VILLAGERS: [cheer]

JACK: [WTF?]

HARRY FANS: [cheer] Weasel-boy to weasel king! His triumph is complete!

AUDIENCE: Think she's known all along?

NOROMOS: Probably has some silly crush on Harry or something.

NEW MINTED GARAN/HARRY SHIPPERS: Now that you mention it...

NOROMOS: We *so* wish we hadn't.

[THE VILLAGERS DECIDE IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE THE PROPHECIES CAME FROM. EACH ONE HAS BEEN FULFILLED SO FAR, SO THE LATEST ONE WILL TOO. THEY START CHANTING ARKHAN'S NAME, MUCH TO HARRY'S SURPRISE, AND JACK'S ABJECT HORROR.]

EXT. ALIEN VILLAGE

[JACK WALKS WITH HARRY, WITH SG-.75 BEHIND THEM.]

HARRY/JACK SLASHERS: What are they? Chaperones? Can't a couple of guys get some privacy? And mass quantities of lube?

J/D SLASHERS: Sure. Back in Colorado Springs, where bedside drawers at the Jackson/O'Neill residences are *well* supplied.

HARRY: Uh, Jack. Look, uh, sorry about that.

JACK: Not my problem, Harry. If these folks don't wanna go, they don't have to go. Teal'c? You and Daniel head on back, secure the Gate. Carter? You and I'll take care of the ship.

S/J SHIPPERS AND NOROMOS: Yay!

SNIT: Stop that. You're scaring the wildlife.

BDSMERS: Hey!

SNIT: Not you, the animals over there.

BDSMERS: Well, it's only kinky if you use the whole chicken, after all.

BESTIALITY FANS: Oh, please. Kids' stuff.

REST OF THE AUDIENCE: Bleach! Where's the bleach?!

HARRY: Now, Jack, uh, Jack, wait a minute. Uh, I know it sounds crazy, but Garan was right about the prophecies. They have all come true.

JACK: Harry, we're not stayin.' And if you want to come with us, I suggest you get your royal butt to the Gate.

HARRY/JACK SLASHERS: Or you'll spank the royal butt, right? Please?

BDSMERS: Safeword.

NON-CON FANS: Sissies.

EXT. ALIEN STARGATE

[DANIEL AND TEAL'C ARE HEADING TOWARDS THE GATE WHEN IT ACTIVATES, AND JAFFA EXIT.]

AUDIENCE: Well, that's not good.

EXT. ANCIENT SHIP

[DANIEL RADIOS JACK, TELLING HIM ABOUT THE ARRIVAL OF ARES' JAFFA.]

SAM FANS: Um, isn't Sam his commanding officer?

AUDIENCE: Yes, but Jack's there, so he's ranking officer.

SNIT: Yeah, nothing personal. Yet.

[DANIEL TELLS JACK AND SAM THAT IF THEY BLOW THE SHIP NOW, THEY'LL GIVE AWAY THEIR POSITION.]

SLASHERS: [perk] Did someone say blow?

GIZMO SLASHERS: Blow... the ship? [swoon]

NOROMOS: Who cares? Blow up the damn ship!

SNIT: Word.

WRITERS: You're still focusing on the wrong ship.

NOROMOS AND SNIT: So are you.

EXT. ALIEN VILLAGE

[THE VILLAGERS SCATTER AS FIRST PRIME TRELAK AND THE JAFFA ARRIVE AND GO TO SEE HARRY ON HIS THRONE.]

HARRY: Welcome, strangers. I am King Arkhan the First. It is with a joyful heart and open arms that we welcome you...

TRELAK: I am Trelak, First Prime to the great Lord Ares. Your god... who will be returning to reclaim this land and his loyal followers.

WAYNE BRADY FANS: It's the Hip-Hop Jaffa!

HARRY: Of course, of course. Glad tidings of comfort and joy. Comfort and joy.

AUDIENCE: If they start singing, "Oh, Come All Ye Faithful," we're outtie.

TRELAK: Lord Ares demands nothing short of complete obedience from both you and your people. Any resistance will be dealt with harshly.

HARRY: Understood.

TRELAK: Gather your subjects. Inform them of our arrival.

[DANIEL AND TEAL'C ARE HIDDEN IN THE CROWD, WEARING HOODED ROBES.]

TEAL'C FANS: Woof.

DANIEL FANS: Woof.

DANIEL/TEAL'C SLASHERS: Had to borrow clean clothes already, boys? Missing scene!

HARRY: Of course. I'll address them immediately.

[ONE OF THE VILLAGE WOMEN CHALLENGES TRELAK, SAYING SHE'S NOT A SLAVE. HARRY STEPS IN, SAYING SHE WILL BE PUNISHED. JAFFA COME FORWARD AND FORCE HER TO HER KNEES AND LEVEL STAFF WEAPONS AT HER. DANIEL AND TEAL'C HAVE WEAPONS READY. THE WOMAN STARTS SPOUTING OFF ABOUT THE PROPHECY, TELLING OF THEIR DEFEAT.]

TRELAK: Where may I find this prophecy? If what you say is true, then we would be fools to stay and meet our certain death.

WOMAN: It is written on the walls of the old temple.

AUDIENCE: [smacks self in heads] We only smack ourselves because we can't smack the woman through the TV. We've tried. It hurts, and leaves smudges on the screen.

INT. ANCIENT SHIP

[SAM'S STILL WORKING ON GETTING THE SHIP WORKING, WHEN DANIEL CONTACTS JACK, TELLING HIM ABOUT THE JAFFA GOING TO CHECK OUT THE RUINS, AND THEY'LL BE SEARCHING THE AREA TOO. DANIEL'S SURPRISED TO LEARN JACK'S GIVEN SAM ANOTHER CHANCE TO GET THE ENGINES ONLINE, BUT ISN'T REALLY COMPLAINING, OTHER THAN THEY'RE CUTTING IT CLOSE.]

EXT. ALIEN VILLAGE

[HARRY'S HOSTING A FEAST FOR THE JAFFA, BUT THEY'RE NOT INTERESTED IN DOING LUNCH. THEY'RE MORE INTO THE WHOLE "RESPECT OUR AUTHORITY" THING. TRELAK SAYS THE PEOPLE DON'T SEEM TO BE ACCEPTING THE NEW RULES.]

TRELAK: They cling to archaic beliefs - prophecies, portents - that threaten to undermine the rule of our god.

HARRY: That won't happen. I can see to it.

TRELAK: How?

HARRY: They're simple folk, easily influenced. With my help, you'll have no trouble bending them to your will.

HARRY FANS: Weasel! We missed you!

EXT. ANCIENT TEMPLE RUINS

[THE WOMAN LEADS THE JAFFA TO THE COLUMN WITH THE PROPHECY. THEY TAKE A LOOK AT IT AND DIVIDE INTO PATROLS TO BEGIN SEARCHING THE AREA.]

AUDIENCE: Is there an "Ancient for Dummies" book out or something? First Harry picks it up, now it seems that the Jaffa can read it too.

WRITERS: Oh, they just recognized the language as Ancient, they couldn't actually read it.

AUDIENCE: Um, then why did they send out patrols to search the area, if they're not going to look for the ship described on the column, hm?

WRITERS: Oh. Hm. [shrug] "Ancient for Dummies" works for us.

AUDIENCE: "Plugging Plot Holes for Dummies" would work better.

[JACK'S BEEN WATCHING THE JAFFA, AND REALIZES THEY'RE HEADING TOWARDS THE SHIP. JACK IS NOT PLEASED.]

INT. ANCIENT SHIP

JACK: They're headed our way.

SAM: I need more time.

JACK (to himself): Yeah, of course you do!

SNIT: This *is* a woman who took two weeks to accept a marriage proposal.

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: She was waiting for a better offer!

EXT. ALIEN WOODLAND THAT LOOKS REMARKABLY LIKE CANADA

[THE JAFFA ENTER THE CLEARING WHERE THE SHIP IS HIDDEN. JACK AMBUSHES AND KILLS THEM.]

JACK FANS: Jack's BACK, baybeeee! YEAH!

EXT. ALIEN VILLAGE

[A P-90 IS HEARD IN THE DISTANCE, AND THE JAFFA AIM THEIR WEAPONS AT THE VILLAGERS.]

TRELAK: Those were Tau'ri weapons.

HARRY: What's a Tau'ri?

AUDIENCE: So, leaving aside the reams of mission reports he'd have read as part of the NID, intel needed to run the rogue NID and his fluency in Ancient, Harry knows naught of goa'uld slang?

HARRY FANS: Shut up, our weasel-boy is busy bamboozling!

[TRELAK HAS THE JAFFA SEARCH THE CROWD, AND THEY DISCOVER DANIEL AND TEAL'C AND TAKE THEIR WEAPONS.]

BDSMERS: And tie them up? And punish them? Please?

INT. ANCIENT SHIP

[JACK RUNS INTO THE SHIP, WHILE SAM'S STILL WORKING ON IT.]

JACK: Time's up!

[JACK CLOSES THE HATCH, AND THE JAFFA BEGIN FIRING ON IT.]

EXT. ALIEN VILLAGE

[DANIEL AND TEAL'C ARE BROUGHT BEFORE THE FIRST PRIME, WHO TELLS THEM THAT LORD ARES HAS JUST ARRIVED.]

DANIEL AND TEAL'C: [crap]

XENA FANS: You have *no* idea how lucky you are, cretins.

INT. ANCIENT SHIP

[SAM AND HER MAGIC LAPTOP HAVE APPARENTLY FIXED THE SHIP. NOW IT'S UP TO JACK TO FLY IT.]

AUDIENCE: They're so boned, aren't they?

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: We certainly hope so!

NOROMOS: [sigh]

EXT. ALIEN VILLAGE

[TRELAK IS QUESTIONING DANIEL AND TEAL'C, WHO WON'T ANSWER.]

TRELAK (to Teal'c): Know this, shol'va. I'll see to it that you suffer slowly.

TEAL'C: And I will see to it that you die quickly.

[TRELAK SMACKS THE CRAP OUT OF TEAL'C WITH A STAFF WEAPON, BUT TEAL'C RECOVERS AND STANDS AGAIN.]

TEAL'C FANS: Teal'c is *so* Da Man. And you are *so* going to pay for that, bitch.

INT. ANCIENT SHIP

[THE JAFFA ARE STILL BLASTING AWAY AT THE HATCH, WHILE JACK IS TRYING TO GET THE SHIP TO WORK.]

NOROMOS: Hah! Good luck with that, he hasn't had any luck making the *other* ship work.

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: It's been working perfectly fine for us.

[THE SHIP FINALLY POWERS UP, AND TAKES OFF.]

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: He got *that* ship to work too!

NOROMOS: It didn't flash him the DEOD.

J/D SLASHERS: He's just motivated to get back to his Danny.

JACK/HARRY SLASHERS: He must save his favorite weasel!

EXT. ALIEN VILLAGE

[TRELAK ACCUSES DANIEL AND TEAL'C OF PLOTTING WITH THE NATIVES. HARRY TRIES TO INTERVENE, TRELAK'S HAD ENOUGH OF HIM, AND TRIES TO STRANGLE HIM. THE ANCIENT SHIP ARRIVES OVERHEAD, GIVING DANIEL AND TEAL'C A DISTRACTION SO THEY CAN ATTACK.]

DANIEL/TEAL'C FANS: What a team!

TEAM FANS: We had one of those, once. Four people. Went through a big round thing that flushes sideways...

INT. ANCIENT SHIP, UPPER ATMOSPHERE

SAM: Sir, we're detecting another ship. It's big.

SNIT: It's only big in your own mind.

NOROMOS: And the occasional hallucination or alternate universe story.

EXT. ALIEN VILLAGE

[FIGHTING. AND MORE FIGHTING. DANIEL LOOKS HOT. TEAL'C LOOKS HOT. WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED TO KNOW? OH YEAH, THEY WIN, AND TEAL'C KEEPS HIS PROMISE TO KILL TRELAK QUICKLY.]

INT. ANCIENT SHIP, SPACE

[THE SHIP IS APPROACHING THE MOTHERSHIP IN ORBIT.]

SAM: You're doing great, Sir.

NOROMOS: It's the only ship he shows some interest in.

[THE SHIP IS HIT BY WEAPONS FIRE.]

SAM: Relatively speaking.

JACK: [pissy]

ATLANTIS FANS: It's canon. Nobody does it better than Shep.

MCSHEP FANS: Rodney could have told you that.

[JACK STARTS CONCENTRATING ON WEAPONS, AND THE SHIP BEGINS FIRING BACK, THEN STOPS.]

SAM: Keep firing, Sir.

JACK: Nothing's happening.

SNIT: Is it all in Sam's imagination again?

SAM: Weapons must be depleted. Hopefully you hit some vital systems.

NOROMOS: Yeah, 'failure to fire' is never the man's fault. Must be the equipment.

MOTHERSHIP: [boom]

JACK: Think that was vital?

SAM: Relatively speaking.

EXT. ALIEN STARGATE

[HARRY IS TALKING TO JACK AND SAM.]

JACK: You sure you don't wanna leave all this?

HARRY: I can't abandon these people, Jack. I've made a life here. I can't walk away from my home, my friends.

VILLAGERS: [beam]

HARRY: My wives.

AUDIENCE: Did we just hear the sound of a needle being pulled across a record?

SAM: Wives?!

JACK/HARRY SLASHERS: WIVES!?!

CABANA BOYS: We tried to tell you, but would you listen? Nooooo...

[JACK TELLS SAM TO GO ON AHEAD, AND SHE GLARES AT HARRY AS SHE LEAVES, WHILE HE'S AMUSED AS HELL.]

JACK: Wives?

HARRY: [shrug]

JACK/HARRY SLASHERS: What was he supposed to do, he was stuck on another planet without the prospect of seeing you again. And we notice he didn't mention his husbands.

JACK: Dog!

[A SMILING HARRY WATCHES AS SG-1 GOES THROUGH THE GATE. HE'S CONSOLED BY HIS LOVELY WIVES, WAITING NEARBY.]

AUDIENCE: Um. Ancient ship. *Time* ship. What happened to that?

WRITERS: We'll see it in a future episode.

AUDIENCE: No, that wasn't the question -- why did they leave it behind and walk home? Why didn't they just have Jack fly them back, so they'd have the ship at the SGC to study? Especially given the trouble they went to to find every possessor of the ATA gene and ship'm off to the Pegasus Galaxy. Who else but Jack is left to fly that?

WRITERS: Um. Well. Yeah. Um. Future episode. Yeah, that's it.

FADE OUT

END CREDITS

NEXT WEEK, FULL ALERT. KINSEY AND RUSSIANS AND TRUST, OH MY.