8.14 Full Alert: The Breadbox Edition

TEASER

EXT. JACK O'NEILL'S HOUSE

[JACK GETS OUT OF HIS TRUCK AND UNLOADS SOME BEER AND GROCERIES TO TAKE INTO THE HOUSE.]

FANFIC WRITERS: Heineken! It's canon now.

[HE NOTICES THE DOOR IS OPEN, PUTS DOWN HIS GROCERIES AND PULLS OUT A GUN. HE GOES INSIDE AND FINDS KINSEY STANDING IN FRONT OF THE FIREPLACE, HOLDING A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY.]

JACK/KINSEY SLASHERS: Is Kinsey there for a nooner?

REST OF THE SLASHERS: [boggle] Ew.

JACK/KINSEY SLASHERS: Oh, go get yourself some Janitor in a Drum and leave us alone.

REST OF THE SLASHERS: Not. A. Problem.

KINSEY: Bad news. You're out of scotch.

JACK: Well, if I'd known you were coming, I'd have hidden the good stuff.

JACK/KINSEY SLASHERS: Heh. He said coming.

KINSEY: If you'd known I was coming, I doubt I'd have made it through the door.

JACK/KINSEY SLASHERS: Heh. He said coming too. And the comment about not making it through the door? Is he saying Jack would have nailed him in the front yard?

REST OF THE SLASHERS: [applies Janitor in a Drum to brain liberally]

AUDIENCE: Pass some over here, please.

[JACK THREATENS TO CALL THE LOCAL SHERIFF, WHO'S A FRIEND OF HIS, BUT KINSEY ASKS HIM TO LISTEN TO WHAT HE HAS TO SAY.]

KINSEY: Oh, for God's sake! You need to start trusting me, Jack.

JACK: Mmm... no, I really don't.

BDSMERS: As long as you have a safeword, it's all good.

REST OF THE SLASHERS: Don't encourage them.

BDSMERS: We're just sayin' is all.

KINSEY: Yes, you really do. The fate of the planet depends on it.

AUDIENCE: Oh, yeah. Play the "fate of the planet card." Like this is something new to Jack.

END TEASER

OPENING CREDITS

INT. JACK O'NEILL'S LIVING ROOM

[JACK DECIDES NOT TO TELL HIS SHERIFF BUDDY ABOUT KINSEY, AND LISTEN TO WHAT THE SLIME BALL HAS TO SAY.]

JACK: You've got three minutes. Before I shoot you as an intruder in my home.

JACK/KINSEY SLASHERS: Three whole minutes?!? The possibilities are simply *endless.*

KINSEY: Same old Jack O'Neill. Although I hear you're a general now. Congratulations.

[JACK TAPS HIS WATCH WITH HIS GUN, AS A REMINDER OF THE THREE MINUTE LIMIT.]

KINSEY: All right, then. Straight to the point. You want to take down the Trust. I can help you.

JACK: I'm sorry. I must have missed an episode. I thought you guys were working together?

AUDIENCE: Wow, we thought we were the only ones often left thinking we'd missed an episode.

KINSEY: After I was forced to resign as Vice President, my relationship with the organization changed.

JACK: Meaning, you were no longer useful so they kicked you out on your ass.

KINSEY: That's a rather crude way of putting it, but... yes.

JACK/KINSEY SLASHERS: You like Jack when he talks dirty. Especially when he mentions your ass.

BDSMERS: And how hard it got kicked. Mmmmmmmm.

JACK: Why didn't they just shoot you?

AUDIENCE: And sell tickets to the show. We could have wiped out the national debt and sent man back to the moon with that income.

KINSEY: Believe me, that was a consideration. Which is why, when they requested a meeting a few days ago, I suggested a nice, public venue. They made a very interesting offer. In exchange for a large cash payment, the Trust wants me to arrange a meeting with General Miroslav Kiselev, the Russian defense minister.

[JACK SAYS THEY ALREADY HAD CONNECTIONS WITH THE RUSSIAN MILITARY, BUT KINSEY EXPLAINS THAT KISELEV HAS AUTHORITY OVER ALL OF RUSSIA'S ARMED FORCES, INCLUDING THEIR NUCLEAR ARSENAL. KINSEY AND KISELEV HAVE A "MUTUAL RESPECT" THING, BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THE TRUST WANTS WITH HIM. HE DOES KNOW THAT THERE'S A GROWING SENTIMENT IN MOSCOW THAT WE'RE NOT KEEPING OUR END OF THE DEAL REGARDING CONTROL OF THE GATE.]

STARGATE: Boys, boys, don't fight over me! [...] What the hell am I saying? Fight over me! It means I get more screentime!

SLASHERS: Hmm... Kinsey/Kiselev? [scrubs brains again]

[JACK PONDERS WHETHER THE TRUST IS TRYING TO TURN THE RUSSIANS AGAINST THE US AND THE SGC. KINSEY SAYS IT'S AMBITIOUS, BUT THEY'RE NO LONGER WILLING TO BIDE THEIR TIME. THAT'S WHY HE CAME TO JACK.]

JACK: Yes, you've always struck me as the hero type.

KINSEY: You may question my methods, but everything I did was for God and country. For the Trust to ally themselves with a foreign power against the United States of America, well, that's just something I can't condone.

OLD COLD WARRIORS: We're having flashbacks... DUCK AND COVER!

JACK: Kinsey, please! Spare me the diatribe. They kicked you when you were down and you want revenge. It's as simple as that.

BDSMERS: How hard, again? And is there video?

KINSEY: The truth is, my motives are irrelevant. The Trust has become an imminent threat to the sovereignty of this nation. Now. What are you gonna do about it?

ALIENS FANS: Nuke'm from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

OLD COLD WARRIORS: (from under the furniture) [whimper]

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[SG-.75 DISCUSSES KINSEY'S INFORMATION. TECHNICALLY, THE GATE IS AT THE SGC ON LOAN FROM THE RUSSIANS. IF RELATIONS SOUR, IT COULD GET VERY UGLY. KINSEY'S ONLY ASKING FOR PROTECTION FROM THE TRUST TO PROVIDE INFORMATION.]

SAM: Maybe he should cooperate. This could be our chance to get somebody on the inside. Infiltrate the organization.

JACK, DANIEL, AND TEAL'C: [skeptical]

FANS TRAUMATIZED BY "GEMINI": Yes, because subverting an enemy organization from within has worked out *so* well in the past.

SNIT: Word.

INT. SGC QUARTERS

KINSEY: You want me to wear a wire!

JACK/KINSEY SLASHERS: Ooo, kinky.

JACK: That's the deal.

KINSEY: I am not a spy!

AUDIENCE: No, you're a weasel.

JACK/KINSEY SLASHERS: Or a love bunny.

JACK: Think of it this way. If you don't do what they want, they'll kill you. If you don't do what we want, we'll let 'em.

KINSEY: Why, that's as good as pulling the trigger yourself! I thought Stargate Command didn't do that sort of thing.

JACK: Well, we're under new management.

HAMMOND FANS: We've noticed.

AUDIENCE WHO SAW SEASON 6: We're still mad that faux-Jack missed when he tried exactly that in "Smoke and Mirrors."

AUDIENCE THAT DIDN'T SEE SEASON 6: Eh? What? There were only three episodes in between season five and seven.

INT. SURVEILLANCE VAN

SMUTTERS: [galvanized] They have the technology! We CAN get footage! Briefing in the lobby!

[SAM AND DANIEL PREP KINSEY WITH HIDDEN CAMERAS AND A GPS LOCATOR. SINCE THEY'RE MEETING THE TRUST AT A REMOTE LOCATION, THEY'LL PROBABLY DRIVE HIM TO ANOTHER PLACE FOR THE ACTUAL MEETING. THIS WAY, THEY CAN LISTEN IN AND FOLLOW HIM, AND THERE'S A STRIKE TEAM AT THE READY, KINSEY JUST HAS TO SAY THE WORD.]

KINSEY: How about something simple, like... help?

SAM: How about something a little less... obvious? Like... red.

NOROMOS: Or obviously false, like "Jack loves Sam."

S/J SHIPPERS: But that's true!

AUDIENCE: How about brown? As in the color of Kinsey's shorts when this is over.

KINSEY: Whatever.

SAM: Don't be too direct, fishing for information. Let them do the talking.

AUDIENCE: [blink] A politician? Direct? What planet has she been living on, even part-time

S/J SHIPPERS: She and Jack have a special little place offworld...

NOROMOS: [hurl]

PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER THE SHOW: [sigh]

[KINSEY BARGES PAST SAM, SAYING HE KNOWS WHAT TO DO.]

SNIT: Uh oh, he dissed the National Treasure. Dead man walking.

DELIVERANCE FANS: Think he'll do that thing with his arm again? Cause that was really cool.

EXT. KINSEY'S CAR

[KINSEY'S CAR IS PARKED ON A NARROW COUNTRY ROAD. ANOTHER CAR PULLS UP, AND A TRUST GUY GETS OUT.]

KINSEY: You're late.

[THE MAN HOLDS UP A BLINDFOLD.]

KINSEY: You're kidding, right?

JACK/KINSEY SLASHERS: Only Jack gets to use the blindfold!

BDSMERS: What d'you suppose their safeword is? Fried Green Goa'ulds at the Whistlestop Cafe?

JENNINGS: Afraid not.

[JENNINGS BLINDFOLDS KINSEY AND GETS HIM IN THE CAR. THEY DRIVE AWAY, AND THE SURVEILLANCE VAN FOLLOWS.]

VID CHASERS: Tracking device installed? Check.

LATER...

[THE TRUST'S CAR HAS STOPPED AT A MANSION, OR AT LEAST IT'S A HOUSE WITH DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR. THE SURVEILLANCE VAN STOPS AT A DISCREET DISTANCE.]

VID CHASERS: OK, get ready to slash the tires.

SLASHERS: [ew]

GIZMO SMUTTERS: Mmmmm.

INT. MANSION HOUSE ENTRANCE HALL

[KINSEY'S LED INSIDE, AND THE BLINDFOLD IS REMOVED.]

MR. PARKER: Bob. Good to see you again. Sorry about the blindfold.

ATLANTIS FANS: Bobs come to no good end, trust us.

BDSMERS: So is this where they were having the weekly orgies, or what?

[KINSEY TRADES BARBS AND GETS SOME BOOZE, WHILE DANIEL AND SAM WATCH FROM THE SURVEILLANCE VAN. THE VIDEO STARTS TO GO OUT, POSSIBLY DUE TO JAMMING.]

VID CHASERS: WTF? It's not *us*.

MR. KENT: It's true we do need you, but not for what you think.

KINSEY: What are you talking about?

MR. WAYNE: Show him.

[SAM AND DANIEL TRY TO REGAIN COMMUNICATIONS, BUT IT'S A NO GO. MEANWHILE, JENNINGS PLACES A METAL BOX ON THE TABLE AND OPENS IT, THEN TURNS IT TOWARDS KINSEY.]

MR. KENT: This is why we need you.

KINSEY: [horror]

AUDIENCE: To sell Amway?

KINSEY: What the hell is going on here?

AUDIENCE: Ditto.

INT. SURVEILLANCE VAN

[A LOUD SCREECH INDICATES THEY ARE BEING JAMMED, SO SAM RADIOS TEAL'C AND TELLS HIM TO MOVE IN WITH THE STRIKE TEAM. BUT NO ONE'S IN THE HOUSE.]

DANIEL: They beamed out.

AUDIENCE: Where's Scotty or O'Brien when you need him?

ATLANTIS FANS: We've got a lead on O'Brien.

SAM: This is starting to become a habit.

TREK FANS: [yawn] Sure is.

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[THE TEAM IS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO FIND OSIRIS' SHIP, IF IT'S IN ORBIT. THE PROMETHEUS IS GOING TO LAUNCH IN FOUR HOURS, TO JOIN IN THE SEARCH, AND JACK WANTS TEAL'C ONBOARD.]

TEAL'C FANS: Whoa, he actually gets to do something? [faint]

[SAM SUGGESTS SCANNING FOR ANOMALIES THEY'VE SEEN BEFORE WHEN THE SHIP IS CLOAKED. IT WOULD MAKE THEM CHANCES GO FROM A MILLION TO ONE DOWN TO TEN THOUSAND TO ONE. SAM GOES OFF TO BEGIN WORK ON A COMPUTER PROGRAM.]

FANS TRAUMATIZED BY "GEMINI": Got all the repli-dust out of the subroutines, hon?

DANIEL: And I have to pick up my dry-cleaning.

DANIEL FANS: [craftily] We'll take what you have on in for you!

JACK: You're on a flight to Moscow in half an hour.

DANIEL: I am?

DANIEL FANS: He is? He gets to speak Russian? [purr]

JACK: Yes, you are. Colonel Chekov's people will meet you there. Will you please try to find out what the hell's going on? And if you get the chance, hook up with this General Kiselev.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Hook up? [ahem]

DANIEL: Jack, they know that we're on to them. They may just abort the mission.

JACK: Nah, the way Kinsey was talking, it sounds like they're looking for a big score here.

SMUTTERS: He said "score." Heh.

DANIEL: And... what if he won't cooperate with them?

BDSMERS: Then you'll be punisssssssshed...

JACK: Kinsey'll do what's best for Kinsey.

DANIEL: Mmm.

WEASEL FANS: Yeahhhhh.

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

[THE COMPUTER PROGRAM SAM CREATED IS ONLINE AND OPERATIONAL, SO THEY BEGIN A SEARCH PATTERN.]

COMPUTER PROGRAM: Here, fishy fishy fishy... ruffle up the surface of reality for me. No one plans to blow you up...

INT. KREMLIN

[DANIEL ENTERS AN OFFICE, WHERE A FEMALE OFFICER IS PULLING FILES FROM A CABINET.]

DANIEL: Uh, hi. I'm here to see Captain Voronkov?

CAPTAIN: There is no Captain Voronkov here.

DANIEL: Oh! That's strange. The, er, the guy down the hall said...

CAPTAIN: I am Captain Voronkov*a*. Daria Voronkova. You must be Daniel Jackson.

DANIEL: Yeah. I'm sorry, I was told I'd be meeting Colonel Chekov's 'right hand man,' so naturally, I...

VORONKOVA: For my part, I expected a drab, pasty-faced, middle-aged academic. I too am pleasantly surprised.

DANIEL FANS: *Very* pleasantly.

[DANIEL COMPLIMENTS HER ENGLISH, AND SHE ASKS ABOUT HIS RUSSIAN. HE ANSWERS BACK IN RUSSIAN THAT HE DOESN'T GET TO PRACTICE MUCH, BUT HE CAN GET BY.]

VORONKOVA: Okay, we stick to English then.

DANIEL: [hurt]

DANIEL FANS: Oh, we'll give you a hug and make it all better!

AUDIENCE: Language is a use it or lose it proposition, bunkie. You got some translatin' to do!

VORONKOVA: I will be your guide. Whatever you wish to do in Moscow, you will ask me first. I will take care of it. If you desire to meet with anyone, I will arrange it for you. If you go out on your own, I cannot protect you. Lie to me, or attempt to mislead me, and I will not protect you.

DANIEL: Okay.

BDSMERS: Good boy.

[SHE ASKS IF DANIEL'S EATEN, THEN DECIDES THEY'RE GOING OUT TO EAT SALO. DANIEL SAYS HE'S NOT A FAN, BUT SHE SAYS HE'LL ACQUIRE THE TASTE AND HEADS OUT THE DOOR, LEAVING DANIEL TO FOLLOW.]

DANIEL FANS: She's a rather pushy girl, isn't she? But then again, we can't really blame her in this situation.

SNIT: We remember a no-nonsense soldier of the female persuasion who used to be part of SG-1. Damn, but we miss her!

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[JACK IS WALKING DOWN THE CORRIDOR WHILE AN ALARMS SOUNDS. SAM RUNS UP BEHIND HIM.]

SNIT: Is she stalking him again?

S/J SHIPPERS: It's not stalking! It's love!

S/P SHIPPERS: You weren't singing that tune when it was Pete.

S/J SHIPPERS: Well, it was *Pete*!

SAM: Sir, what's going on?

SNIT: Absolutely nothing. As usual. Oh, wait, you mean the alarm?

JACK: The Russians have gone to a heightened state of alert.

SAM: Why?

JACK: We're trying to find out. President's called a meeting for the Joint Chiefs. We're at DEFCON 3.

WARGAMES FANS: Should have picked tic-tac-toe, dude.

EXT. RUSSIAN COUNTRYSIDE

AUDIENCE: Damn, even Russia looks like Canada!

[VORONKOVA AND DANIEL ARE ON THEIR WAY TO MEET WITH GENERAL KISELEV. SHE WARNS DANIEL THAT HE MAY NOT GET A WARM WELCOME, AND GIVES A REALLY IMPRESSIVE SUMMATION OF KISELEV'S CURRICULUM VITAE THAT EXPLAINS WHY. THEY COME UPON A MILITARY ROAD BLOCK. THE SOLDIERS SAY THAT DANIEL'S TO BE HELD FOR QUESTIONING, AND WON'T TELL VORONKOVA WHAT'S GOING ON.]

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Tsk. Those guys with Daniel? Dead men walking. Voronkova's got some 'splaining to do too.

INT. SGC, JACK'S OFFICE

[CHEVRON GUY TELLS JACK THAT COLONEL CHEKOV IS HERE TO SEE HIM.]

JACK: Colonel! I was hoping you could shed some light on the situation here. We can't seem to get a straight answer from your government.

DR. STRANGELOVE FANS: Because talking it over *always* stops nuclear escalation, yup.

CHEKOV: The information coming out of Moscow is guarded at best but my sources in the Kremlin tell me the Russian military is increasing its alert status because they think the American administration has been compromised.

INT. DINING ROOM, UNKNOWN RUSSIAN RESIDENCE

[DANIEL'S TAKEN OFF HIS JACKET, LEAVING A PANTING CADRE OF DANIEL FANS REACHING FOR FRESH DROOL BUCKETS, AND IS SITTING AT A DINING TABLE WHILE A SOLDIER STANDS GUARD. COLONEL CHERNOVSHEV ENTERS, ALONG WITH A MEDICAL DOCTOR.]

CHERNOVSHEV: Doctor Jackson, sorry to keep you waiting.

DANIEL: No problem. You wanna tell me what's going on?

CHERNOVSHEV: All in good time. Please, roll up your sleeve.

DANIEL FANS: Oh, come on! Just tell him to take his shirt off. For us? Please?

CHERNOVSHEV: We need a sample of your blood.

[THE DOCTOR APPROACHES DANIEL, SYRINGE AT THE READY.]

DANIEL: You're kidding?

CHERNOVSHEV: Either you cooperate or we will take it by force.

[DANIEL ROLLS UP HIS SLEEVE.]

DANIEL: Is this a normal part of your interrogation procedure?

PEOPLE WHO *HATE* NEEDLES: [shudder] *We'd* cave like big ol' caving things.

CHERNOVSHEV: It depends what you wish to know. In this case, it will answer a very specific question.

DANIEL: What question? OW!

DANIEL FANS: We'll kiss it and make it better. After we kick the doctor's ass, that is.

SLASHERS: Just leave that to Jack.

JANET FANS: He never said "ow" when Janet took blood. Hah!

[THE DOCTOR LEAVES WITH THE BLOOD SAMPLE. CHERNOVSHEV WANTS TO KNOW WHY DANIEL WANTS TO SEE KISELEV.]

SLASHERS: What is he? A jealous boyfriend? Kissy-face sure has a lot of fans!

DANIEL: It's complicated.

CHERNOVSHEV: Well, surely you can explain it to me?

DANIEL: I think I'd rather explain it to General Kiselev.

CHERNOVSHEV: That's not going to happen. You see, earlier today we managed to uncover a plot against the General's life. Luckily, we captured the assassin before he could make his move.

[CHERNOVSHEV TURNS ON THE TV WITH A REMOTE CONTROL.]

CHERNOVSHEV: I believe you know him?

[KINSEY IS ONSCREEN, DRESSED IN A PRISON UNIFORM, WITH HIS WRISTS CHAINED TO HIS WAIST.]

BDSMERS: Those Russians are a lot kinkier than we previously thought.

[DANIEL'S SURPRISED TO SEE HIM, AND ASKS WHY KINSEY WOULD TRY TO KILL KISELEV.]

CHERNOVSHEV: I'm afraid Mr. Kinsey isn't exactly himself these days.

KINSEY (IN GOA'ULD VOICE): By stopping me, you have only delayed the inevitable. [eyes glow] Your world is doomed.

AUDIENCE: Well, that's got to be his worst nightmare come to pass.

NOT-FANS OF KINSEY: [helpfully] "Its" nightmare, dudes. Goa'uld symbiotes have no gender.

PETA FANS: Yeah, there's some sort of cruelty to animals in play here. Snakes, weasels... we're still working it out.

INT. SGC OPERATIONS ROOM

CHEKOV: How could Kinsey have become a Goa'uld?

AUDIENCE: Well, when a snake sees a host it really, really likes...wasn't this covered in Children of the Gods? Like, eight years ago?

WRITERS: But we only know four years worth of episodes! Sort of.

AUDIENCE: We've noticed.

JACK: Five bucks says Carter has a theory.

SNIT: No bet.

SAM: As a matter of fact, I do.

SNIT: Shock. Amazement. Total and complete boredom.

SAM: According to Tok'ra intelligence, the Trust launched at least two attacks against Goa'uld occupied worlds after we took back the gate. That means they had to leave the relatively safe confines of the solar system and head out into the galaxy where they ran the risk of being killed or... captured.

CHEKOV: What are you suggesting?

SAM: Any Goa'uld who got his hands on them would've discovered pretty quickly that they belonged to a top secret organization with high-level connections to some of the most powerful governments and institutions on this planet, including the SGC, Area 51 and maybe even the Ancient outpost in the Antarctic.

CHEKOV: My God. You think they have been taken as hosts and then sent back to Earth.

AUDIENCE: Because when the snake sees a host it really, really likes...

SAM: I think it's possible. They could have brought dozens, maybe even hundreds of symbiotes back with them. By now, the entire Trust could have been taken over.

AUDIENCE: And it couldn't have happened to nicer people.

CHEKOV: But why would the Goa'uld want to assassinate General Kiselev?

JACK: We don't know for sure that was the plan, but if Carter's right, Kinsey might have been trying to get a snake into Kiselev's head.

SAM: It makes sense. From Kiselev, it's one step up to the President of Russia.

CHEKOV: How do we know he didn't succeed?

OLD COLD WARRIORS: Yeah, it's hard to tell with those old school Russkies.

AUDIENCE: [eyeroll] And old school Americans were sooo different.

SAM: Kinsey never met with the general. He was arrested before he had the chance.

CHEKOV: Well, my government feels that it is the American administration that has been infiltrated by the...

JACK: Oh, here we go.

CHEKOV: ...Goa'uld and they are insisting that everyone in key positions, including the President, must submit for testing.

JACK: Not gonna happen.

CHEKOV: Well. Then we have a problem.

OLD COLD WARRIORS: Damn, this sounds familiar. Somebody test the Emergency Broadcast System.

INT. KREMLIN, VORONKOVA'S OFFICE

[VORONKOVA AND DANIEL ENTER, AND HE THANKS HER FOR GETTING HIM OUT.]

VORONKOVA: It wasn't easy. Even after your blood test came back negative, they still wanted to hold you.

DANIEL FANS: Do you *blame* them? We'd want to hold him too.

AUDIENCE: Why a blood test? How does that tell them he's Goa'uld free? What ever happened to having an MRI or x-ray?

WRITERS: Things are different in Russia.

ATLANTIS FANS: Just ask Rodney. He'll tell you *all* about it.

AUDIENCE: Pass.

[DANIEL WANTS TO TALK TO KINSEY'S GOA'ULD, BUT VORONKOVA SAYS NYET.]

VORONKOVA: He is being questioned. By Russian military intelligence.

AUDIENCE: Is "military intelligence" an oxymoron in Russia like it is in the United States?

OLD COLD WARRIORS: Don't get us started!

AUDIENCE: OK!

DANIEL: Yes, and he's feeding them a pack of lies. He's telling them the American administration has been infiltrated because he wants to force a confrontation.

VORNKOVA: To what end?

DANIEL: I don't know! That's why we need to talk to him.

VORONKOVA: Dosta!

DANIEL: Language!

DANIEL FANS: Funny which parts of a language we retain over time.

[DANIEL KEEPS PLEADING HIS CASE, SO VORONKOVA LEAVES TO SEE WHAT SHE CAN DO.]

AUDIENCE: Pull out the big torture by needle thing, or maybe the salo!

INT. SGC OPERATIONS ROOM

[THE SGC IS AT DEFCON 3, AND MATTHEW BRODERICK ISN'T THERE TO PLAY TIC-TAC-TOE WITH THE COMPUTER, SO WE'RE LEFT WITH A TROIKA OF JACK, CHEKOV AND CHEVRON GUY, WHO LEARN THAT THE CHINESE MILITARY ARE ALSO AT A HEIGHTENED STATE OF ALERT. WE'RE SO BONED, AREN'T WE?]

DR. STRANGELOVE: Somebody fetch Peter Sellers. He'll fix this right up.

CHEKOV: General. I've been talking to my contacts in the Kremlin. They tell me President Mikailhov is not happy with the situation but is under considerable pressure from his military advisers.

JACK: In other words, Kiselev is running the show.

CHEKOV: Da.

AUDIENCE: That's Russian for "We're boned," right?

DR. STRANGELOVE FANS: [evil chuckle]

[CHEKOV SAYS HE HAS FRIENDS IN THE GENERAL STAFF, AND WILL TRY TO CONVINCE THEM TO MAKE A UNITED STAND, TO GIVE THE RUSSIAN PRESIDENT MORE LEVERAGE.]

JACK: And if Kiselev finds out you're going around him, it could make things... worse.

CHEKOV: At this point, I don't believe we have much choice.

AUDIENCE: And can it get much worse that total nuclear annihilation?

NOROMOS: Duh. The writers could have Sam and Jack survive and attempt to repopulate the post-nuke world with their mutant maniac brainiac children.

S/J SHIPPERS: Oh, would they? Really, truly could they? [swoon]

INT. RUSSIAN DETENTION CELL

[GOA'ULD!KINSEY IS CHAINED AND NOT REALLY HAPPY ABOUT IT.]

BDSMERS: See, this is why we always bring up safewords!

[VORONKOVA AND DANIEL ENTER THE CELL.]

TRI-SMUTTERS: Woo hoo! Er, wait. Kinsey. Nevermind.

KINSEY FANS: Hey!

FOURGY FANS: And with the symbiote, isn't it technically a fourgy now?

BESTIALITY FANS: Hey, yeah!

AUDIENCE: [Edges away subtly. They have practice.]

DANIEL: So what should I call you?

GOA'ULD!KINSEY: You are unworthy to speak my name.

BDSMERS: A little Dom/Sub play, perhaps? May we suggest "Jack's hairy back" as the safeword?

[DANIEL SAYS KINSEY'S GOA'ULD MUST BE WORKING FOR THE SYSTEM LORDS AND NOT BA'AL, BECAUSE HE'S WINNING THE WAR AND WOULDN'T BOTHER WITH EARTH. HE SAYS VORONKOVA THINKS IT'S JUST PETTY REVENGE, THAT THE SYSTEM LORDS ARE TRYING TO TAKE OUT EARTH AS THEY'RE GOING OUT.]

BA'AL FANS: And because our sexy boy has *much* better taste in hosts than Kinsey or the Trust

GOA'ULD!KINSEY: You will die never knowing our true purpose.

DANIEL FANS: You've got all of Kinsey's memories handy to tell you how well Daniel dying works against the mission of the SGC.

DANIEL: So there is a hidden agenda.

GOA'ULD!KINSEY: [...]

DANIEL: Making progress now, aren't we?

DANIEL FANS: Tricksy, he is.

INT. SGC, JACK'S OFFICE

[CHEKOV ENTERS AS JACK'S FINISHING A PHONE CALL.]

JACK: Well, the Chinese are refusing to back down and, gosh and golly, go figure, we're pickin' up increased chatter from within Russia.

DR. STRANGELOVE FANS: [perk] Did he say "Pickens"?

CHEKOV: I'm still waiting to hear back from my contacts in Moscow.

JACK: And I just talked to the Joint Chiefs. We're goin' to DEFCON 2.

SLASHERS: Is that a private club or something? Sounds vaguely kinky.

INT. RUSSIAN DETENTION CELL

[DANIEL THINKS MAYBE THE SYSTEM LORDS ARE WANTING US TO WIPE OURSELVES OFF THE FACE OF THE PLANET, THEN COME IN AND TAKE OVER THE ANCIENT WEAPON IN ANTARCTICA, BUT HE'S PUZZLED OVER KINSEY'S GOA'ULD SACRIFICING ITSELF.]

GOA'ULD!KINSEY: I assure you, I have no intention of dying on this miserable planet.

DANIEL: You're in Russian defense headquarters. Primary target. If you do succeed in starting a nuclear war, you're gonna die right along with the rest of us.

GOA'ULD!KINSEY: [smirk]

AUDIENCE: Was that Kinsey or the snake? Really, it's hard to tell.

DANIEL: Unless there's something I'm missing?

GOA'ULD!KINSEY: You should return to your homes and say farewell to your loved ones. Your gods have deemed you to be unworthy, and the hour of reckoning is at hand.

INT. SGC, OPERATIONS ROOM

[CHEVRON GUY IS UPDATING JACK ON THE STATUS OF SHIT ABOUT TO GO BOOM AND GLOW IN THE DARK. JACK NOTICES CHEKOV TALKING TO HIS AIDE IN THE CORNER AND GOES TO THEM.]

CHEKOV: General Kiselev found out we were trying to rally support against him. He's already arrested several officers on trumped up charges. I'm afraid Dr. Jackson may be in danger.

DANIEL FANS: Well, crap.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Yeah, Jack's gonna have to stir himself to kick some Russian ass! He gets SO cranky when people kidnap his playmate.

INT. RUSSIAN DETENTION CELL

[DANIEL'S PACING AROUND TALKING TO THE GOA'ULD, WHILE VORONKOVA LOOKS ON.]

DANIEL: Come on! Next to slaughtering innocents, gloating is what you guys are all about. Must be... killing you, just sitting there not bragging about your brilliant plan.

GOA'ULD!KINSEY: [fumeFUMEfume]

[VORONKOVA'S PAGER GOES OFF. SHE CHECKS IT, THEN TELLS DANIEL THEY HAVE TO GET OUT, THAT KISELEV'S MEN ARE COMING FOR THEM. GUARDS ARRIVE, POINTING GUNS AT THEM.]

GOA'ULD!KINSEY: You are too late.

[VORONKOVA ARGUES IN RUSSIAN WITH THE SOLDIERS, WHILE DANIEL REACHES INTO HIS JACKET WITH ONE HAND, PUTTING THE OTHER ON GOA'ULD!KINSEY'S SHOULDER.]

DANIEL: Sorry, guys. Gotta go.

[DANIEL AND GOA'ULD!KINSEY ARE BEAMED OUT, LEAVING VORONKOVA AND THE SOLDIERS IN SHOCK.]

KINSEY/DANIEL SLASHERS: Missing scene in the matter stream? We are SO there.

REST OF THE SLASHERS: And we'll leave you to it.

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

[DANIEL AND GOA'ULD!KINSEY REMATERIALIZE, WITH TEAL'C STANDING NEARBY WITH A ZAT GUN. COLONEL PENDERGAST WELCOMES DANIEL ONBOARD, THEN TEAL'C TELLS HIM THEY'VE HAD NO LUCK FINDING THE AL'KESH. PENDERGAST SAYS MAYBE GOA'ULD!KINSEY CAN'T HELP, BUT HE SAYS HE WON'T.]

TEAL'C: If you do not cooperate, I will kill you.

GOA'ULD!KINSEY: Don't you realize what you have done? The Russians already suspect that you have been compromised by the Goa'uld. As far as they know, you helped me to escape. You have done more to convince them than I ever could.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, we're boned. And about to glow in the dark.

DR. STRANGELOVE FANS: We can validate that

INT. SGC OPERATIONS ROOM

[THE RUSSIANS HAVE GONE TO A FULL STATE OF EMERGENCY SO NOW WE'RE UP TO DEFCON 1.]

AUDIENCE: Can we get a last drink or anything?

S/J SHIPPERS: Or a last kiss?

D/J SLASHERS: Or a last bang?

NOROMOS: We're gonna draw a great big target, just to make sure they don't miss.

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

[GOA'ULD!KINSEY SAYS THE RUSSIANS WILL VIEW HIS ABDUCTION AS PROOF THE US GOVERNMENT HAS BEEN INFILTRATED BY THE GOA'ULD, AND THEY HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO SEND HIM BACK. DANIEL'S PUZZLED BY THIS, SINCE IF THERE'S A NUCLEAR WAR, IT WOULD PUT GOA'ULD!KINSEY IN THE LINE OF FIRE AGAIN.]

PENDERGAST: He has a way out.

DANIEL: He knows someone on the inside, someone who can protect him.

TEAL'C: Who is it?

GOA'ULD!KINSEY: I have nothing more to say to you.

PENDERGAST: We can start this again, when he's had some time to think about it. Take him to the brig.

INT. SGC HALLWAY

[JACK AND CHEKOV ARE WALKING, DISCUSSING THE CURRENT SITUATION AND TRYING FIGURE A WAY OUT. JACK SAYS THE RUSSIAN PRESIDENT WON'T EVEN ACCEPT CALLS FROM THE WHITE HOUSE, AND CHEKOV EXPLAINS IT'S BECAUSE HE THINKS THE GOA'ULD ARE IN CONTROL.]

AUDIENCE: American politicians with slimy snakes in them? We can see where the confusion comes in.

[CHEKOV SAYS HE'S GOING TO TRY TO CONTACT THE RUSSIAN PRESIDENT DIRECTLY, BUT EVEN IF HE DOES, HE'LL ONLY HAVE A FEW MOMENTS TO CONVINCE HIM THAT KISELEV HAS BEEN MISLED BY THE GOA'ULD.]

AUDIENCE: Assuming you aren't transferred to another department with its voicemail on, of course.

INT. AL'KESH

[THE GOA'ULD!CREW ARE PREPARING TO ATTACK THE PROMETHEUS.]

GOA'ULD!JENNINGS: They have superior shields. If we do not succeed with the first salvo, we will be at a disadvantage.

GOA'ULD!MR. PARKER: So long as he's in their hands he remains a liability. We have no choice.

GOA'ULD!JENNINGS: Understood.

AUDIENCE: They want to kill Kinsey? Are we sure they're bad guys?

[THE AL'KESH DECLOAKS AND BEGINS FIRING ON THE PROMETHEUS.]

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

DANIEL: What the hell was that?

DANIEL FANS: Daniel, sweetie, we think by now you should easily be able to recognize gunfire aimed in your direction. You've had years of practice.

INT. PROMETHEUS CORRIDOR

[GOA'ULD!KINSEY USES THE DISTRACTION TO ATTACK HIS GUARDS.]

AUDIENCE: Well, that's not good.

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

[THE PROMETHEUS IS FIGHTING BACK, BUT SHIELDS ARE GOING FAST. PENDERGAST RECEIVES WORD THAT GOA'ULD!KINSEY HAS ESCAPED. TEAL'C AND DANIEL HEAD TOWARDS THE RING ROOM, FIGURING HE'S TRYING TO MAKE HIS ESCAPE THAT WAY.]

AUDIENCE: Don't they have security teams to take care of such things?

WRITERS: But you complain if we don't show the team members, so nyeah!

VALA FANS: This is the same security our girl skunked a week ago, isn't it?

AUDIENCE: Oh, that's right. Never mind. Send in SG-.75, on the double!

INT. SGC, CARTER'S LAB

[JACK AND CHEKOV ENTER.]

JACK: Please, tell me you have something.

SNIT: She has a delusional crush on you, but we're thinking that's not what you were looking for.

S/J SHIPPERS: It's not delusional! It's *dreamy*!

NOROMOS: [bangs heads on nearest flat object]

SAM: Yes, Sir. I think I do. I've been going over everything we have on General Kiselev and I found this.

[SHE SHOWS THEM A FILE ON COLONEL RUSELIN CHERNOVSHEV, WHO WAS KISELEV'S CHIEF OF STAFF. THREE YEARS AGO, HE WAS INVOLVED IN A PLOT TO SELL A CAPTURED SYMBIOTE TO THE TRUST, WHEN THEY WERE STILL OPERATING WITHIN THE NID.]

SAM: That means the Trust had a direct connection to Kiselev. They didn't need Kinsey. He was just a pretext to justify this confrontation by making them think that we'd been compromised.

CHEKOV: So, if the Trust had access to Kiselev, then he could have been compromised as well.

AUDIENCE: Kissy-face is compromised? Imagine that.

[SAM THEN SHOWS THEM A PHOTO OF KISELEV TAKEN THREE YEARS AGO, THEN ANOTHER ONE TAKEN A WEEK AGO. IN THE NEW ONE, HE'S NOT WEARING GLASSES.]

SAM: We know that symbiotes have healing power. They can cure a host body of any number of physical shortcomings, including bad eyesight.

CONTINUITY GEEKS: Well, we certainly know that Ascension, Descension and dozens of rounds in the sarcophagus haven't been enough to fix Daniel's dependence on corrective lenses. He's gotta have a snake for that, huh?

JACK AND CHEKOV: [skeptical]

JACK: That's it? Did it occur to you that he might be wearing contacts?

SAM: Sir, I realize it's not a lot to go on.

SNIT AND NOROMOS: Much like your "relationship" with Jack.

JACK: Have you heard of laser surgery?

CONTINUITY GEEKS: Daniel apparently hasn't.

SAM: Sir...

S/J SHIPPERS: "...I know your cutting sarcasm is just way of expressing your deep and abiding love of me, your little National Treasure."

SNIT AND NOROMOS: [gag]

CHEKOV: No, wait. Colonel Carter is right.

SNIT: Well, of *course* she is.

CHEKOV: General Kiselev suffered from glaucoma. His vision was extremely poor. There is no possibility he could have read from a prepared statement without his glasses.

SAM: Sir, I think Kiselev's a Goa'uld. I think he has been all along.

AUDIENCE: Man, that penny took a while to drop, didn't it?

WRITERS: There was a problem with the exchange rate from kopecks to pennies.

INT. PROMETHEUS CORRIDOR

[TEAL'C AND DANIEL FOLLOW GOA'ULD!KINSEY AND EXCHANGE FIRE WITH HIM AS HE MAKES HIS WAY TO THE RING ROOM, BUT HE MAKES IT AND MANAGES TO BEAM OUT.]

DANIEL: Crap!

AUDIENCE: Um. Isn't there a way to remotely disable the ring transport? Even Star Trek got that part right.

TREK FANS: Hey! What d'you mean, "even" Star Trek?

WRITERS: They didn't get it right, they didn't have nearly as many opportunities to shoot the place up.

SNIT: The National Treasure's not on board, so they didn't think of it or it couldn't be done.

INT. SGC OPERATIONS ROOM

[THEY'RE SETTING UP A COMMUNICATION WITH THE RUSSIAN PRESIDENT. HE MIGHT ALSO BE A GOA'ULD, BUT AT THIS POINT, THEY'VE GOT NOTHING TO LOSE.]

DR. STRANGELOVE FANS: [evil chuckle] Yeah, babies, talk it *all* out. That'll work.

STAR TREK FANS: In any *normal* story about nuclear confrontation, it *does,* you creepy nuke pervs!

DR. STRANGELOVE FANS: Hey, we've just stopped worrying and learned to love the bomb! [mad cackling]

AUDIENCE: [edges away, not so subtly]

MIKAILHOV (via comms): Colonel Chekov, this is highly irregular.

CHEKOV: Yes, Sir, but these are highly unusual circumstances.

MIKAILHOV (via comms): Agreed. Is General O'Neill there with you?

JACK: I'm here, Mr. President.

MIKAILHOV (via comms): It's good to speak with you again, although you understand that at the moment, I cannot trust anything you say.

JACK: Yeah, about that? It's true there has been a Goa'uld infiltration, but it's not on our side. It's on yours.

MIKAILHOV (via comms): What is it exactly that you are saying?

JACK: Let me put it this way, Sir. The last time you saw General Kiselev, did you happen to notice if he was wearing his glasses?

SLASHERS: Guys seldom make passes at guys who wear glasses. [...] Dorothy Parker was *so* wrong, and not just about the gender issue! Just take a look at Daniel!

DANIEL FANS: OK! Especially if he's giving us all his clothes to take to the cleaners!

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

[DANIEL AND TEAL'C RETURN TO THE BRIDGE, WHILE THE SHIP IS STILL UNDER ATTACK.]

DANIEL FANS: Is that a smudge on his shirt? Really, we can take that for you!

INT. AL'KESH BRIDGE

[GOA'ULD!JENNINGS DISCOVERS GOA'ULD!KINSEY STANDING BEHIND HIM.]

SLASHERS: Oh, so it's like *that* is it? [...] Ew. We just squicked ourselves out.

FOURGY FANS: We're rather intrigued. OK, squicked and rather intrigued.

DR. STRANGELOVE FANS: Does the one in the back remind anyone of Slim?

AUDIENCE: No!

GOA'ULD!JENNINGS: I'm pleased you were able to use my diversion to free yourself.

GOA'ULD!KINSEY: Do you think I'm a fool? You tried to destroy the ship because you thought I would reveal information about you.

GOA'ULD!JENNINGS: Of course not. We were merely...

[GOA'ULD!KINSEY FIRES HIS WEAPON SEVERAL TIMES, AND JENNINGS KEELS OVER DEAD DEAD DEAD.]

AUDIENCE: Never a sarc around when you need one, is there?

DANIEL FANS: Well... sometimes.

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

[PENDERGAST ORDERS THE CREW TO OPEN FIRE ON THE AL'KESH.]

INT. AL'KESH BRIDGE

[GOA'ULD!KINSEY STAGGERS AS THE AL'KESH IS HIT BY WEAPONS FIRE. HE STUMBLES TOWARDS GOA'ULD!JENNINGS' BODY, AND TAKES THE RIBBON DEVICE FROM GOA'ULD!JENNINGS' HAND.]

SLASHERS: What's that, a love token he must keep as a remembrance? [shudder] Damn. Squicked ourselves again.

NECROPHILIA FANS: Who says the party's over, anyway? Missing scene alert!

AUDIENCE: [reaches for bleach]

INT. SGC, OPERATIONS ROOM

[CHEKOV'S CONVERSATION WITH THE RUSSIAN PRESIDENT CONTINUES. THEY'RE SENDING PROOF OF CHERNOSHEV'S PRIOR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE TRUST, PLUS A LIST OF GENERALS WHO WILL SUPPORT HIM IF HE MOVES AGAINST KISELEV.]

MIKAILHOV (via comms): I must say, I'm not sure what to make of all this.

JACK: Well, you could start by trusting us.

AUDIENCE: Turn it around, Jack. Would *you* trust them if the situation were reversed? You *were* the one who put an alien on SG-1, just to keep a Russian off the team. An alien involved in plot to blame a dying Daniel for an accident he didn't cause, no less.

OLD COLD WARRIORS: It's different when it's an Amurrican!

MIKAILHOV (via comms): And if you have been compromised by the Goa'uld, I would be standing down my forces with the Americans in position to launch an immediate attack.

JACK: We both know neither side can win outright with a first strike. And that's the whole point. The Goa'uld don't want a winner. They want us to destroy each other.

MIKAILHOV (via comms): Why?

DR. STRANGELOVE FANS: Why ask why? Bombs away!

CHEKOV: We believe their ultimate goal is to get their hands on the Ancient weapon in Antarctica.

DR. STRANGELOVE FANS: Party pooper.

[CHEVRON GUY REPORTS THAT A RUSSIAN SILO'S DOORS ARE OPEN, AND THEY CAN SEE EVIDENCE OF A FIREFIGHT ON THE GROUND.]

CHEKOV: My God! Kiselev is trying to launch without authorization!

JACK: Mr. President, you are about to lose control of your own forces. You have to do something right now!

AUDIENCE: It might include putting your head between your knees and kissing your ass goodbye before it starts glowing.

[THE SIGNAL IS LOST.]

AUDIENCE: Shoulda used a calling card. There's never enough change in your pocket for these transcontinental calls.

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

[THE AL'KESH APPEARS TO BE A SITTING DUCK, BUT PENDERGAST TELLS THE CREW TO STAND BY.]

AUDIENCE: Um, why?

WRITERS: You weren't so worried about it when your precious SG-1 was aboard.

AUDIENCE: SG-.75, and they're not aboard now. So, why?

INT. AL'KESH BRIDGE

[GOA'ULD!JENNINGS BODY IS SLUMPED IN THE SHADOWS WHEN GOA'ULD!MR. PARKER, GOA'ULD!MR. WAYNE AND GOA'ULD!MR. KENT ENTER, WONDERING WHY THEY'RE NOT RETURNING FIRE. THEY SEE GOA'ULD!JENNINGS, AND GOA'ULD!KENT CHECKS HIS PULSE, THEN THEY GO TO THE COMMAND CONSOLE.]

AUDIENCE: And where's Goa'uld!Kinsey?

WRITERS: We'll get there. Eventually. Maybe.

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE

COMM OFFICER: They're powering weapons.

PENDERGAST: Take 'em out.

AUDIENCE: 'Bout damned time.

AL'KESH: [boom]

COMM OFFICER: Target destroyed.

AUDIENCE: Ya think?

INT. SGC OPERATIONS ROOM

[JACK TELLS CHEVRON GUY TO CONTACT WASHINGTON, AND EVERYONE'S SCARED SPITLESS OVER WHAT THAT MEANS.]

NOT FANS OF DUMB!JACK: He's ordering Mexican takeout again?

DR. STRANGELOVE FANS: We [heart] General Jack...D. Ripper, but we'll take what we can get.

CHEKOV: General! Wait!

JACK: We're out of time, Colonel.

CHEKOV: Please.

CHEVRON GUY: Sir! MPIC is reporting new visuals at 537. Silo doors are closing!

SAM: Russian bombers are turning around and returning to base.

CHEKOV: [sigh of relief]

SAM: They're standing down.

FADE OUT

DR. STRANGELOVE FANS: And you wonder why we like the Slim Pickens ending better. At least something *happened.*

AUDIENCE: Um. That was rather abrupt. Can someone please explain what the hell just happened?

WRITERS: No.

AUDIENCE: But it just sort of... ended. What happened?

WRITERS: Look, we *could* have explained everything, but then the show would have been too long. Then we would have had to cut something, and we'd end up making it too short, then we'd add in scenes of the characters running aimlessly up and down corridors, then you *still* wouldn't be happy.

SGC CORRIDORS: But *we'd* be damned happy with our starring role!

STARGATE: Bitch, please.

SGC CORRIDORS: It's not we're seeing a lot of you.

STARGATE: But it's *my* name in the credits.

SGC CORRIDORS: Hm. "Corridor: SG-1" just doesn't have the same ring, does it?

END CREDITS

NEXT WEEK, CITIZEN JOE, IN WHICH THE AUDIENCE ISN'T QUITE SURE IF THE WRITERS ARE LAUGHING WITH THEM OR AT THEM.

WRITERS: We swear we're laughing *with* you. Some of you, anyway.

AUDIENCE: We feel so... reassured.

WRITERS: We're *so* gonna need bodyguards by the end of the season. [snicker]

AUDIENCE: [rolls eyes] Can you have someone call us when you mature past the age of twelve? Thanks bunches.