8.15 Citizen Joe: The Breadbox Edition

TEASER

INT. O'NEILL'S HOUSE

[JACK COMES IN THE FRONT DOOR, CARRYING GROCERIES WITH A PHONE HELD TO HIS EAR, TALKING TO SAM.]

S/J SHIPPERS: Phone sex!

CARTER (over phone): How about Monday morning?

S/J SHIPPERS: They're scheduling time for sex? OK, not exactly romantic, but we'll take what we can get.

JACK: No, I have a thing with someone from CIA. A Johnson someone or other. It's about that whole Kinsey thing.

AUDIENCE: The CIA? Why are they investigating that thing where Kinsey got snaked and escaped OFFWORLD? What happened to the NID or better yet, Homeworld Security?

HAMMOND FANS: Yeah! Homeworld Security should be investigating at the HIGHEST LEVELS! We could have Hammond back for a visit!

WRITERS: We decided CIA agents are more... interesting.

AUDIENCE: We haven't felt a chill down our spines that cold since y'all introduced that fresh, new face in Season Six.

PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T WATCHED SEASON 6: Who what now?

SAM: So, any big plans for the weekend?

NOROMOS: She's not exactly a master of subtlety, is she?

SNIT: Nope.

J/D SLASHERS: Besides, "don't ask, don't tell" applies.

JACK: Oh yeah, big. Huge!

SAM: Yeah, me neither.

S/J SHIPPERS: See! It's a perfect time for a date!

S/J SMUTTERS: Or at least lots of hot monkey sex!

JACK: Oh, what are you talkin' about? I just walked in with a whole handful of ingredients for my world-famous omelette.

S/J SHIPPERS: He's inviting her over for breakfast after sex!

SAM: World-famous, huh? What's in it?

JACK: Eggs.

SAM: I don't think that that actually qualifies as a recipe.

PEOPLE WHO STILL REMEMBER SEASON ONE: Oh, this from the "I don't cook" chick.

WRITERS: When did she say that?

AUDIENCE: We keep sending DVDs, but y'all are still not watching.

WRITERS: Why should we? We're at the top in the ratings!

AUDIENCE: Speaking of ratings, we've noticed that SG-1 is still in the top ten even while in repeats, while that other show that uses Stargate in the title isn't.

WRITERS: [nervous coughing] Yeah, well, we're not talking about that in this parody.

AUDIENCE: How about when there was no season eight repeat of SG-1 on Friday night, SG-1 is still in the top ten? That means one of those *pesky* early seasons was still high in the ratings, right?

WRITERS: Er, right. But it just *had* to be something from season four through six.

AUDIENCE: It could mean that a repeat that's been shown who knows how many times was still beating out season eight repeats in the other weeks, doesn't it?

WRITERS: We really hate you.

AUDIENCE: Noticed.

JACK: Oh, don't kid yourself. There's a secret ingredient. I can't tell you what it is, or I'd have to shoot you.

SAM: It's beer, isn't it?

JACK: Carter-

[A MAN ENTERS THE KITCHEN AND POINTS A GUN AT JACK.]

JACK: Let me call you back.

SAM: I knew it.

SNIT: Because you know *everything*!

S/J SHIPPERS: Including that Jack *will* call her back for more phone sex!

SLASHERS: No, Daniel's going to take the battery out before they get busy.

[JACK CALMLY SAYS HELLO TO THE GUY, WHO IS HOLDING THE GUN WITH BOTH HANDS AND SEEMS VERY NERVOUS.]

JOE: You're Jack O'Neill.

JACK: Yes. Here's a better question. Who are you?

JOE: It doesn't matter. To anyone. All you need to know is, you ruined my life!

AUDIENCE: What? Is this guy pissed at the Cosmic Giddiness (tm) too?

END TEASER

OPENING CREDITS

SEVEN YEARS AGO

AUDIENCE: We thought they left the time ship on Harry's little corner o'paradise world?

NOROMOS: Pity it was the only ship they left there.

EXT. A NEIGHBORHOOD STREET

[JOE AND HIS WIFE, CHARLENE, ARE AT A GARAGE SALE. HE FINDS A SMALL BLACK STONE WITH CARVINGS ON IT AND PICKS IT UP.]

[FLASHBACK TO "WITHIN THE SERPENT'S GRASP." THE WORMHOLE ENGAGES, SG-1 IS AT THE COMPUTERS, DRESSED IN BLACK BDUS, AS SECURITY IS MAKING THEIR WAY TO THE GATEROOM. THE TEAM GOES THROUGH THE GATE. END FLASHBACK.]

CONTINUITY GEEKS: Synchronize watches!

WRITERS: You're kidding, right?

[A VERY INTERESTED JOE ASKS HOW MUCH FOR THE STONE.]

ATLANTIS FANS: Oh, *this* is how you guys plan to increase the budget? Hawking props at a garage sale?

INT. STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP

[JOE IS CUTTING A CUSTOMER'S HAIR AND MANGLING TELLING A JOKE TO THE CUSTOMERS IN THE SHOP. AFTER HE'S DONE WITH THE CUSTOMER, JOE REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND TOUCHES THE STONE.]

[FLASHBACK TO "WITHIN THE SERPENT'S GRASP." KLOREL EMERGES FROM HIS SARCOPHAGUS, AS APOPHIS ORDERS HIS SUBJECTS TO BOW DOWN BEFORE HIS SON. END FLASHBACK.]

HIGHLANDER FANS: Well, *we* are certainly having flashbacks.

FOREVER KNIGHT FANS: Ditto.

CONTINUITY GEEKS: [counting on fingers]

WRITERS: No, really. You're kidding, right?

[JOE'S STARTLED BY WHAT HAPPENED, AND LOOKS TO SEE IF ANYONE ELSE SAW ANYTHING, BUT THEY HAVEN'T.]

INT. JOE'S DINING ROOM

[JOE AND HIS FAMILY ARE EATING DINNER. HIS WIFE STARTS BLATHERING ABOUT A "POWERFUL BOOK" SHE READ IN HER BOOK CLUB, BUT JOE INTERRUPTS, ASKING IF THEY WANT TO HEAR A STORY.]

CHARLENE: What do you mean?

JOE: You know, like in those books you read. Only different.

CHARLENE: Okay, sure.

AUDIENCE: We think she's worried his story will end with, "All work and no play makes Joe a dull boy."

JOE: It's about a team of adventurers known as SG-1. They travel to other planets through an alien device known as a Stargate. Their leader is the fearless Colonel Jack-

[FLASHBACK TO "WITHIN THE SERPENT'S GRASP." THE TEAM IS ON KLOREL'S SHIP, HOLDING HIM PRISONER, AS THEY ENTER EARTH'S SOLAR SYSTEM. END FLASHBACK.]

[CHARLENE AND ANDY START NITPICKING HIS STORY, ASKING ABOUT WHO THE GOA'ULD ARE AND WHY SKAARA'S NAME CHANGED TO KLOREL.]

JOE: Uh, I know it's a little complicated. Just wait, I haven't gotten to the good part yet.

AUDIENCE: Just give it a few years and you'll be past the good part.

J/D FRIENDSHIPPERS: Give it a few years and you'll be past that part too. [sulk]

S/J SHIPPERS: But the *really* good stuff will just be getting under way!

[FLASHBACK TO "WITHIN THE SERPENT'S GRASP." KLOREL IS USING THE HAND DEVICE ON DANIEL. JACK SHOOTS SKAARA/KLOREL TO SAVE DANIEL. END FLASHBACK.]

ANDY: That's it?

AUDIENCE: Kid, you might as well get used to the disappointment early.

[JOE SAYS HE THINKS THAT'S ALL FOR NOW, HE HASN'T FIGURED OUT THE REST YET. HE TELLS ANDY TO DO HIS CHORES, AND HE'LL FINISH THE STORY TOMORROW.]

ANDY: Chores?! What are we, Amish?

[CHARLENE CHASTISES ANDY, AND JOE TELLS HIM TO GO DO HIS HOMEWORK.]

JOE: You hated it, didn't you?

CHARLENE: Well, you know I'm not the biggest science fiction fan.

AUDIENCE: Don't worry about it too much, neither are the writers of the show.

CHARLENE: But no, no, it was... it was just so... detailed. How did you come up with it?

NOROMOS: Silly woman. You're female, you're not supposed to be a science fiction fan. You're supposed to like romance. Or so they tell us.

JOE: Honestly, I don't know. It just sort of popped into my head.

CHARLENE: That's amazing, really.

HARRY POTTER FANS: Even in the wizarding world, hearing voices isn't a good sign.

JOE: What didn't you like about it?

CHARLENE: Don't get me wrong, it was exciting. It's just that personally, I like stories that are more about inter-personal relations, and a little less to do with things blowing up.

AUDIENCE: It's *shit* blowing up, not things. Geeze, get the details right. And "Serpent's Grasp" was brimming with interpersonal angst! Shit didn't start blowing up in bulk for years after that!

WRITERS: An episode with a big boom had interpersonal angst?

AUDIENCE: Watch it and see!

INT. STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP

[JOE IS TELLING ANOTHER STARGATE STORY TO HIS CUSTOMERS. HE'S TRYING TO EXPLAIN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOA'ULD AND JAFFA, BECAUSE THEY'RE GETTING CONFUSED. THEY THINK THERE SHOULD JUST BE ONE TYPE OF BAD GUY, AND THEY SHOULD BE CALLED THE SNAKE PEOPLE.]

JOE: It's not confusing, it's complex!

AUDIENCE: At least for a couple of seasons anyway, then not so much.

INT. JOE'S OFFICE IN REAR OF BARBER SHOP

[JOE'S ON THE PHONE WITH THE AIR FORCE, TRYING TO FIND ONE COLONEL JACK O'NEILL, TWO "L'S." WHEN ASKED WHAT'S THE NATURE OF THE CALL, HE BABBLES INCOHERENTLY TRYING TO FIND OUT INFORMATION ABOUT JACK. OBVIOUSLY THE PERSON ON THE PHONE SAYS THEY CAN'T GIVE OUT THAT INFORMATION.]

JOE: Oh, of course, sure, national security. Now, am I understanding correctly that there really is a Colonel Jack O'Neill in the Air Force?

AIRMAN: Is there a message you would like to leave for him, sir?

JOE: That's fine. Thank you.

[HE HANGS UP THE PHONE, AMAZED THAT THERE'S REALLY A COLONEL JACK O'NEILL.]

AUDIENCE: Oh, and those would have been the Cosmic Giddiness (tm) free days. We *so* miss those days.

SNIT: We hear ya.

INT. ANDY'S BEDROOM

[JOE IS TELLING A BEDTIME STORY ABOUT WHEN RYA'C WAS BEING FREED FROM APOPHIS' CONTROL.]

ANDY: But Teal'c is still going back to Stargate Command to fight for the freedom of the Jaffa.

TEAL'C FANS: It's a Jaffa thing, you wouldn't understand.

JOE: Yes, of course. He's going to take Drey'auc and Rya'c to a place where they'll be safe.

DREY'AUC FANS: [sob]

ANDY: So the Goa'uld won't put any more bombs in Rya'c's teeth?

JOE: That's right. Now, go to sleep.

ANDY: Cool story, Dad.

AUDIENCE: Yes, it was. Anyone know how we can get back to stories like that?

INT. JOE'S TV ROOM

[JOE IS WATCHING BASKETBALL ON TV AS CHARLENE READS "HEART OF A WOMAN." SHE STARTS QUESTIONING HIM ABOUT HOW THE IDEAS JUST APPEAR IN HIS HEAD.]

CHARLENE: I've read about this happening to other people. You're opening yourself up to your inner muse.

JOE: My inner muse?

FANFIC WRITERS: Don't get too involved with your inner muse. It's a fickle bitch who'll leave you high and dry when you need it.

CHARLENE: It's your mid-life crisis.

JOE: It is?

CHARLENE: Except, instead of chasing your youth by buying a sports car or going hang-gliding, you're seeking immortality through creativity.

JOE: We can't afford a sports car.

CHARLENE: Honey, it's a good thing. Especially if it means you're not going to have an affair with a younger woman.

SLASHERS: Or a younger man...

SIX YEARS AGO

INT. STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP

[JOE'S TELLING HIS CUSTOMERS THE STORY FROM "THE FIFTH RACE."]

BERT: What about the Furlings? Are we ever gonna hear about them?

JOE: Oh, of course. I'm sure we'll hear lots of stories about them.

CONTINUITY FANS: Really?

WRITERS: Um. Maybe.

CUSTOMERS: [looks at Joe strangely]

JOE: I mean, I'll make one up.

GORDIE: Furlings. They sound cute, like Ewoks.

STAR WARS FANS: Sweet merciful Force, we hope not.

INT. JOE'S KITCHEN

[CHARLENE IS SENDING ANDY OFF TO SCHOOL, TELLING HIM THAT HE WAS TO MOW THE YARD WHEN HE GETS HOME.]

JOE: Son, you get that lawn finished, and I'll tell you all about the Reetou.

ANDY: Cool! See you, Mom! See you, Dad!

[ANDY LEAVES.]

CHARLENE: The Reetou?

JOE: Foothold situation at the SGC.

CHARLENE: Joe, don't take this the wrong way, but maybe you should cut back on the storytelling a bit.

FANFIC WRITERS: Oh, you can try. It never takes.

JOE: Why?

CHARLENE: Nothing, it's just... Well, I've heard a few comments from people in town.

JOE: People? What people?

CHARLENE: Not everyone wants to hear about Jack O'Neill and SG-1 every time they come in for a haircut.

JOE: They like hearing my stories.

CHARLENE: Maybe they're just being polite, dear. And it's not just at the shop. Sam at the drug store said you talk his ear off every time you're there, and Marjorie at the bank, and Lenny at the gas station.

SIMPSONS FANS: Marjorie? Lenny? Hm? Or should we say, "D'oh!"?

JOE: Charlene, you were the one who told me to follow my muse. Now you want me to stop?

CHARLENE: What if you write them down?

JOE: You mean like a... writer?

AUDIENCE: [head desk]

CHARLENE: Put them on paper. You can have them there in the shop, like the magazines. That way, if people wanna read them, they can.

FANFIC WRITERS: The term you're looking for is "zines," m'dear. They've been around for a while.

INT. JOE'S BEDROOM

[CHARLENE'S ASLEEP, WHILE JOE LAYS IN BED HOLDING THE STONE, HAVING A FLASHBACK TO "1969" AND IS REALLY GROOVING ON IT.]

AUDIENCE MEMBERS OF A CERTAIN AGE: If you can remember 1969, dude, you weren't really there.

WRITERS: That's what we say, but you keep telling us to watch it anyway!

INT. JOE'S DINING ROOM

[JOE IS TYPING AWAY ON A LAPTOP COMPUTER.]

FANFIC WRITERS: Squeee!

CHARLENE: Honey, it's three in the morning. Come to bed.

JOE: Just let me finish this story.

CHARLENE: That's what you said last night and the night before that. You've gotta get up in four hours. How are you going to cut people's hair if you're dead on your feet all day?

JOE: [typing]

CHARLENE: Joe?

JOE: In a minute.

FANFIC WRITERS: We *so* sympathize.

FRIENDS, FAMILY AND SIGNIFICANT OTHERS OF FANFIC WRITERS: Word.

[JOE HAS A VISION FROM "A HUNDRED DAYS."]

JOE: (voice over the flashback) They embraced, and he looked into her eyes one last time. He walked away with sadness in his heart, and she watched him go, wondering if she would ever see him again. The End.

NOROMOS AND S/J SHIPPERS: [gag]

INT. STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP

[BERT IS CUTTING THE HAIR OF HIS WIFE CINDY AS JOE SITS NEARBY, HAVING JUST TOLD THEM THE STORY.]

CINDY: (crying) That poor woman. Do you think... she was with child?

AUDIENCE: [perk] You know, we've been asking about that...

CONTINUITY FANS: Word.

JOE: You'll just have to wait until the sequel.

AUDIENCE: Bastard.

WRITERS: Hee! See, we tried to option this guy...

SIMPSON FANS: Occupied!

[THE MAILMAN ARRIVES, WITH LETTERS FROM MAGAZINES THAT JOE'S SUBMITTED HIS STORIES TO.]

JOE: Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah.

BERT: (reading another) Thank you for your interest. Best of luck in the future.

GORDIE: See, I'm not sure you should have sent in this one about Seth. It wasn't one of your best.

AUDIENCE: [cackle]

BERT: They rejected Hathor?! Oh, but it was gold!

AUDIENCE: Is that a dig at writers who never wrote anything else for the show, or at the audience who actually liked it?

WRITERS: Oh, a little from Column A, a little from Column B...

THREE YEARS AGO

INT. JOE'S DINING ROOM

[JOE IS TYPING AWAY ON HIS LAPTOP WHEN ANDY CALLS HIM INTO THE LIVING ROOM TO SEE SOMETHING ON TV... A PROMO FOR A LITTLE SHOW CALLED "WORMHOLE X-TREME.]

ANDY: There's no such thing as original thought anymore. We're all just regurgitating the same old ideas, over and over again. Welding them down into a giant melting pot of mediocrity.

AUDIENCE: Preach it!

JOE: They stole my idea.

WRITERS: Stole, borrowed, homaged, whatever...

AUDIENCE: Kidnapped, picked the pockets of and rolled through an alley in the rain about sums it up.

INT. STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP

FRED: Hey, whatever happened to that lawsuit you had against uh, what was that show called?

JOE: Wormhole X-Treme? Nah, it was cancelled only after one episode.

GORDIE: Bad ratings.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO HATED WORMHOLE X-TREME AS AN EXAMPLE OF TPTB'S MASTURBATORY WRITING: [cackle] And your little clip-show, too!

BERT: I liked it. Not as much as your stories, boss.

JOE: Actually, I have a new one. It just came to me last night. SG-1 finds out there's a giant asteroid headed toward Earth.

FRED: I saw the movie. It hits Paris.

JOE: Ah, this is different. It starts when this amateur astronomer-

FRED: Actually Joe, if it's all right with you, I'm not really in the mood.

JOE: Oh come on now, don't you wanna know how SG-1 stops it? Here, I'll just tell you. Major Carter is able to expand the hyperspace window from the cargo ship, until it surrounds-

SNIT: Can we just skip this bit?

FRED: Look, no offense, but how many times can these folks save the world from Apophis. What's it up to now? Five, six times?

JOE: This story's about Anubis. Apophis is dead.

APOPHIS FANS: You wish.

FRED: What's the diff, you know what I'm saying? It's getting a little repetitive. I mean, come on now. There must be other things we can talk about besides SG-1. You guys play golf?

FANFIC WRITERS: *We* can keep it from being repetitive. It's not all that difficult.

TEAM FANS: [booting up Heliopolis on their laptops] Preach it!

SLASHERS: [booting up Area52] Yeah, baby, yeah!

FANFIC WRITERS: Don't forget the feedback link!

INT. JOE'S DINING ROOM

[JOE'S TYPING AWAY AS CHARLENE STAGES AN INTERVENTION, TRYING TO MAKE HIM STOP WRITING. HE'S NEGLECTING HIS WORK TO WRITE, AND SHE WANTS HIM TO STOP. HE SWEARS ONCE HE GETS SOME STORIES PUBLISHED, THINGS WILL BE OK.]

CHARLENE: Three hundred and twenty-six. That's how many rejection letters you've received.

JOE: You only need one "yes".

CHARLENE: They're not reading them anymore, just sending them back unopened!

JOE: Bert and Gordie like them.

CHARLENE: They work for you. What else are they gonna say?

JOE: You haven't even read them all.

CHARLENE: I read Holiday, The Light, The Sentinel.

JOE: Okay, I admit, those may have been a few small missteps, but on the whole they're getting better, aren't they?

FANS OF HOLIDAY, THE LIGHT AND THE SENTINEL: Hey! Whaddya mean, "missteps"?

AUDIENCE: "Better" is such a relative term, isn't it?

CHARLENE: I don't know.

JOE: Well, what do you think the problem is? Tell me. Maybe I can fix it.

AUDIENCE: How much time you got?

CHARLENE: Well, for one, it seems to me like the team interaction isn't what it used to be in the beginning.

TEAM FANS: We like you, Charlene. A lot.

[CHARLENE TELLS HIM SHE HATES WHAT WRITING THE STORIES IS DOING TO HIM, BOTH WITH HIS BUSINESS AND HIS FAMILY, AND HE TELLS HER HE DOESN'T THINK HE CAN STOP.]

JOE: I think they're real, Charlene. I'm not making them up. They're happening. Somewhere. I can see them, and it's because of the stone.

CHARLENE: Oh, Joe.

HARRY POTTER FANS: We try to help, but does any one listen?

[CHARLENE IS OBVIOUSLY CONCERNED ABOUT JOE'S MENTAL STATE, AND JOE REALIZES SHE'S TAKEN AWAY THE STONE. HE SEARCHES IN A PANIC, GOING SO FAR AS SEARCHING THROUGH THE KITCHEN GARBAGE. HE GRABS A FLASHLIGHT AND GOES OUTSIDE TO SEARCH THROUGH THE REST OF THE TRASH, AND HE FINDS THE STONE.]

JOE: Yes!

[JOE GETS A VISION OF "MERIDIAN."]

DANIEL FANS: Ouch, damn. Bad timing on finding the stone. You might should have waited a year and just skipped season six. It was only three episodes long anyway.

[JOE SEES GLOWY!DANIEL LEAVING THROUGH THE GATE, AND DANIEL'S BODY FLATLINING. HE'S KNEELING THE GARBAGE, LOOKING UP, HOLDING THE STONE, OBVIOUSLY DEVASTATED BY WHAT HE HAS SEEN.]

JOE: (weeping) No! He can't be gone. (standing) He's dead. Daniel's dead! (sobbing) He can't be dead.

DANIEL FANS: You know, as much as we sympathize with Joe's reaction, we can't help but wonder if the writers are poking fun at us.

WRITERS: [innocent look] You think we ignore you? Just wanted you to know we pay attention!

DANIELS FANS: Yeah, we're feeling the love.

INT. STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP

[BUSINESS IS SLOW, AS THE MAILMAN ARRIVES WITH A STACK OF BILLS AND ANOTHER LETTER FROM THE AIR FORCE. CALVIN OPENS THE LETTER AND READS IT.]

CALVIN: "Dear Mr. Spencer. Regarding your request to meet with Colonel Jack O'Neill, we regret to inform you that..." Hey Joe, if you're so sure that this is all real, then why don't you follow it up with more than just letters? Call them up. Tell them what you know. If it really is true-

JOE: Are you kidding? I'd disappear in a heartbeat.

CALVIN: You think?

JOE: Believe me, if the Government didn't get me, NID is sure to. I've seen it happen. Do you remember Armin Selig? (snapping his fingers) Dead!

AUDIENCE: You think they're not paying attention to the mail?

EXT. STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP

[JOE LOCKS UP THE SHOP AND BEGINS WALKING DOWN THE SIDEWALK, WITH A SAD EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE. HE SUDDENLY STOPS AND HIS EYES WIDEN.]

[A FLASHBACK TO "ABYSS" WHERE DANIEL VISITS JACK IN BA'AL'S CELL.]

JOE: Yes! Yeah! Yes!

[JOE JUMPS UP AND DOWN, CLAPPING, THEN RUNNING DOWN THE SIDEWALK.]

SLASHERS: Joe's a slasher, isn't he?

INT. JOE'S HOME

[CHARLENE'S PACKING A SUITCASE AS JOE ENTERS.]

JOE: Oh, there you are. Honey, it's incredible! Daniel's still alive. I mean, I know he ascended to a higher plane of existence, but he, he- What are you doing?

CHARLENE: Andy and I are going to my mother's for a while. If you have even the slightest interest in saving our marriage, you'll see someone who can help you.

[SHE ZIPS UP THE SUITCASE AND PICKS IT UP, WALKING OUT OF THE ROOM.]

JOE: Charlene, I don't need a shrink. Charlene!

[JOE FOLLOWS CHARLENE OUTSIDE, AS SHE GETS IN HER CAR.]

JOE: Charlene, look, our problems are small compared- We-, just, let's talk. Can we just talk this out?

CHARLENE: (crying) Goodbye, Joe. I'll call you later.

[CHARLENE LEAVES.]

INT. JOE'S OFFICE IN REAR OF BARBER SHOP

[JOE'S WRITING A LETTER, AND WE HEAR HIS VOICE AS HE WRITES...]

JOE: "Dear Colonel O'Neill. I understand you are a very busy man, however, I must wonder if you're actually getting each and every piece of correspondence I send you. I have written you many letters and left countless messages for you with the Air Force, but I have yet to receive any kind of response from you. Because of this, I realize I have no choice but to take my life into my own hands and come clean with you. I know everything."

[GORDIE ENTERS AND KNOCKS OVER A LAMP, STARTLING JOE. GORDIE SAYS HE AND BERT ARE GOING HOME, SINCE IT LOOKS LIKE NO ONE'S COMING IN AGAIN TODAY. GORDIE ALSO TELLS HIM THAT SINCE THINGS ARE SO SLOW, HE'S HAD TO PUT IN AN APPLICATION AT THE PIGGLY WIGGLY. JOE'S UNDERSTANDING, SAYING YOU GOTTA DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO. GORDIE LEAVES, AND JOE CRUMPLES UP THE LETTER AND TOSSES IT IN THE TRASH. HE FISHES IT OUT OF THE TRASH, TEARING IT INTO SMALL PIECES.]

[FLASHBACK TO "FALLEN."]

FANS OF NEKKID!DANIEL: Whoo hoo!

INT. JOE'S DINING ROOM

[JOE'S TYPING AWAY, AS MORE SCENES FROM "FALLEN" FLASH INTO HIS MIND.]

SLASHERS: Do you think Joe got the missing scene when Jack kissed Daniel in an attempt to jog his memory?

SAM/DANIEL SHIPPERS: No, because the one of Sam kissing him edged it out.

INT. JOE'S TV ROOM

[JOE'S SITTING IN HIS CHAIR, DRESSED IN RAGGED UNDIES, BLINDLY WATCHING STATIC ON THE TV, AS HE HAS VISIONS OF "ORPHEUS," "EVOLUTION, PART 2," AND "HEROES, PART 2."]

JANET FANS: And of *course* the most important scene to show from "Heroes, Part 2" is Sam running through enemy and friendly fire to get to Sir's side. Yeah, that's really showing respect to our men and women in the military. [grumble]

SNIT AND NOROMOS: Ditto.

ONE YEAR AGO

AUDIENCE: Rental agreement on that timeship running out, fellas?

[JOE SITS ON A PARK BENCH WITH A PACKAGE OF PAPERS IN HIS HAND, AS CHARLENE APPROACHES. HE APOLOGIZES FOR EVERYTHING, SAYING HE WANTS ANOTHER CHANCE, AND HE WILL FOCUS ON REBUILDING HIS BUSINESS AND PROVIDING FOR HIS FAMILY.]

CHARLENE: It was never about the money, Joe. It was your obsession with that stone.

JOE: I know, I know, and I owe you both an explanation. That's why I brought you proof that my visions are real.

[HE SHOWS HER A PICTURE OF JACK AND KINSEY.]

SLASHERS: Is he Jack/Kinsey slasher? Those are pretty rare.

JOE: This is what Jack O'Neill actually looks like. Now I know what you're thinking, but I swear I saw this image in my mind long before it was in the paper.

CHARLENE: Joe.

JOE: And here, this report about massive solar flare activity from six years ago? It coincides with the time SG-1 destroyed Apophis' fleet. And this, about the sinking of a Russian submarine? It happened the same time Anubis' ship crashed into the Pacific Ocean.

CHARLENE: It just means that you're using real people and events and incorporating them in your fantasies.

JOE: They're not fantasies! Jack O'Neill is head of Stargate Command!

AUDIENCE: It certainly hasn't been fantasy material of late.

FANFIC WRITERS: We gotcha covered.

CHARLENE: There is no Stargate Command! Listen to me. I've been talking to several doctors about your symptoms, and they seem to think that you might be suffering from something called manic psychosis, combined with grandiose delusions, but with therapy and medication, you could probably live a normal life.

[JOE TUNES HER OUT AND STANDS, HIS EYES TO THE SKY.]

JOE: Oh my God! They're fighting in Antarctica for Earth's very survival.

[FLASHBACK TO "LOST CITY, PART 2."]

JOE: Anubis' fleet is in orbit above us right now!

CHARLENE: Joe, stop it. It's not real!

JOE: You don't understand! If Jack can't find a way to use the Ancients' technology in time, we're all dead.

CHARLENE: Goodbye, Joe.

[SHE WALKS AWAY.]

JOE: It's happening, Charlene! You'll see! It's real!

CONTINUITY GEEKS: Uh, where's the stone, dude?

PRESENT DAY

EXT. JOE'S HOUSE

[A SIGN IN THE YARD HAS A NOTICE OF A COURT-ORDERED SALE, AND MEN ARE REMOVING FURNITURE AND BOXES AND PUTTING THEM IN A MOVING VAN. JOE GETS INTO A TAXI AND LEAVES.]

FANFIC WRITERS: Oh, yeah. Definitely laughing *at* us. Contrary to popular belief, we *do* have lives.

EXT. JACK'S HOUSE

[JOE ARRIVES IN FRONT OF JACK'S HOUSE IN A SEDAN. HE PULLS A PISTOL OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT.]

INT. O'NEILL'S KITCHEN

[THE SCENE PICKS UP FROM THE OPENING TEASER, WITH JOE HOLDING A GUN ON JACK.]

JACK: Okay, look. This obviously isn't your fort». So why don't you just put the gun down, before you get hurt.

SIMPSONS FANS: At least he's not going around turning off the lights by shooting them.

[HE STARTS TO MOVE TOWARD JOE.]

JOE: Don't come any closer!

[JACK CALMLY TELLS HIM HE KNOWS THE GUN ISN'T REAL, BUT HE PULLS OUT A GUN FROM A DRAWER AND POINTS IT AT JOE, TELLING HIM THIS ONE *IS* REAL. JOE PUTS DOWN HIS GUN, SAYING IT'S JUST A TOY, AND NOT TO SHOOT. HE THOUGHT IT WAS THE ONLY WAY TO GET JACK TO LISTEN TO HIM. JACK PICKS UP HIS CELL PHONE TO MAKE A CALL.]

JACK: Oh, where you're going, people will listen. They got nothing to do but listen to what you have to say. They got nice white coats, padded walls, the whole nine yards.

DANIEL FANS: Daniel looked quite smashing, especially if you're into Toe Porn.

JOE: Please wait! You're Brigadier General Jack O'Neill. Head of Stargate Command at Cheyenne Mountain. You used to command SG-1, which is now led by Lt. Colonel Samantha Carter. You once visited a planet called Argos, and the nanites in your blood caused you to age artificially. You've had the entire repository of the Ancients' knowledge downloaded into your brain. Twice! You have a thing for The Simpsons, fishing, Mary Steenburgen, the color peridot, and you're a terrible ping-pong player.

TEAL'C FANS: Except there are no fish in the pond.

SLASHERS: What is it with the Mary Steenburgen thing? Beards have to be shaved eventually.

JACK: Have we met?

JOE: My name is Joe Spencer. I'm a barber. It's all true, isn't it? Everything I've seen. The Stargate, the Goa'uld, the Asgards? It's all real. Tell me it's real. I need to know.

JACK: Well, first of all, Joe, I'm not a terrible ping-pong player.

JACK FANS: Sorry, Jack, but yes, you are. Teal'c massacred you when he was upset about Rya'c getting married.

TEAL'C FANS: Da MAN.

INT. SGC INFIRMARY

[JOE IS SITTING ON AN INFIRMARY BED HAVING BLOOD DRAWN AS JACK LOOKS ON.]

JANET FANS: [sob]

JOE: Between you and me, I totally see the analogy. Burns as Goa'uld.

NOT FANS OF DUMB!JACK: Oh, *please* don't encourage him.

JACK: Thank you.

JOE: And don't worry. I won't say a word about your feelings for...

[SAM ENTERS, AND JACK GESTURES FOR JOE TO BE QUIET.]

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: [smug] We all know how *that* sentence was going to end, don't we?

SLASHERS: ...Daniel. Or maybe Teal'c.

TRIO SLASHERS: ...or both.

NOROMOS: ...Internet porn.

REST OF THE AUDIENCE: [boggle]

NOROMOS: What? It's better than any of the alternatives you lot can come up with.

BDSMERS: Well, our idea is sort of related...

[JOE SHAKES SAM'S HAND, THANKING HER FOR SAVING THE PLANET, YADDA YADDA.]

DANIEL AND TEAL'C FANS: Um, she had a little help, ya know.

SNIT: [gag] Does every man have to fall at her feet?

WRITERS: Yes.

JOE: I was particularly impressed with the time you blew up that sun.

SNIT: Enough with the damned blowing up the sun reference!

NOROMOS: Yeah, we'd much rather hear about ships blowing up!

SAM: Well, thank you. I had a bit of help.

SNIT: [faint]

JOE: And as far as this whole Pete Shanahan thing goes...

S/P SHIPPERS: [perk]

[JACK STOPS HIS RAMBLE WITH A HAND ON HIS SHOULDER.]

S/P SHIPPERS: Damn you.

S/J SHIPERS: NYEAH!

S/P SHIPPERS: Hey, at least our guy doesn't look constipated when Sam's giving him the Doe Eyes of Death.

[DANIEL WALKS IN.]

JOE: Doctor Jackson, can I just say, thank goodness you're back. Not that Jonas was a bad guy, but after all you've been through together, you belong here with SG-1.

DANIEL FANS: Can we get a Hell Yeah?!

JONAS FAN IN THE BACK: Uh, no?

REST OF AUDIENCE: HELL, YEAH!

DANIEL: Thank you. Jack?

JACK: He's a barber.

DANIEL: Broke into your house?

JACK: Yeah.

DANIEL: Second week in a row.

JACK: Mm hmm.

DANIEL: Alarm.

JACK: I'm thinkin' dog.

JOE: You could try locking your front door.

SLASH FANFIC WRITERS/READERS: He usually has Daniel check the locks.

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[SAM'S TYPING ON HER COMPUTER, AS JOE SITS ACROSS FROM HER. JACK AND TEAL'C ENTER. JOE GIVES TEAL'C A JAFFA HANDSHAKE AND A HEARTY 'SHEL KEK NEM RON.']

TEAL'C: [bemused]

SPEAKERS OF KLINGON AS A SECOND LANGUAGE: Oh, yeah. Mock the multi-lingual!

DANIEL FANS: They do that all the time now.

[THEY BEGIN THE BRIEFING, AND SAM SAYS THAT INITIAL TESTS SHOW THAT JOE POSSESSES THE SAME ANCIENT GENE THAT JACK DOES.]

CONTINUITY GEEKS: That's... convenient.

WRITERS: Wait for it...

JOE: I just want you to know, if you ever need me to use the chair device in Antarctica in defense of the planet, I'm there.

JACK: (patting his arm, sincerely) Thank you.

AUDIENCE: [fearing for the safety of the planet, even more than before] We are *so* boned, aren't we?

[THEY CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHY JOE, OUT OF ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE THE ANCIENT GENE, IS SEEING VISIONS OF SG-1. SAM SAYS THEY THINK IT'S RELATED TO THE STONE HE FOUND, BUT THEY DON'T KNOW WHY. DANIEL IS CHECKING IT OUT, BECAUSE IT SOUNDED FAMILIAR.]

SNIT: Daniel remembers before Ms. National Treasure? [boggle]

TEAL'C: You claim to receive these visions only within proximity of the stone. Perhaps there is a connection between the stone and your genetic predispositions.

JOE: I know the hair makes you look different, but didn't you used to be more gold colored?

CONTINUITY GEEKS: We totally (heart) you man.

[DANIEL RUSHES IN WITH TWO STONES, PLACING THEM ON THE TABLE.]

JOE: You have one too?

DANIEL: I think they're a set. Jack, remember P3R-233? That planet where I-

JOE: Where you found the quantum mirror that sent you to an alternate reality, where the Goa'uld invaded Earth.

PEOPLE WHO WATCHED THE EARLY SEASONS: [swoonTHUD]

WRITERS: Fickle bitches.

NEARLY EIGHT YEARS AGO, AFTER THE MISSION TO P3R-233

INT. DANIEL'S OFFICE

[DANIEL IS WRITING ON A CLIPBOARD WHEN JACK ENTERS. THERE ARE SEVERAL ARTIFACTS ON DANIEL'S DESK.]

AUDIENCE: Hey, wait. Did we miss something? We don't remember this scene.

WRITERS: It was on while you were out for snacks. Promise.

S/J SHIPPERS: Like that one by the Saran Wrap wall in Upgrades.

DANIEL FANS: Oh, dear lord. Do they buy their wigs out of the discount bin at Target?

WRITERS: With this budget? Strictly Wally World, kids.

ATLANTIS FANS: [look smug]

ATLANTIS GATE: [looking smug while giving a flashy twirl]

SG-1 FANS: Oh, shut up.

JACK: This all the stuff we brought back from...

DANIEL: P3R-233? Yeah. You came down to help me catalog it?

J/D SLASHERS: Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Cataloging?

LIBRARIANS: No. Just, no. Well, there *are* some librarians who... no, just no.

JACK: You bet. My favorite. But it's all gonna have to wait. Hammond called a briefing. We got some intel back indicating that Apophis might not be so dead as we thought.

[AS HE SPEAKS HE PICKS UP ONE OF THE STONES, REMOVES ITS TAG, AND BEGINS TO RUB IT WITH HIS THUMB.]

JACK: Something about... Chulak.

[JACK HAS A DISTRACTED LOOK ON HIS FACE.]

SLASHERS: Is it just us, or does that look just *scream* "porny thoughts" at anyone else?

NOROMOS: It's just you.

BDSMERS: Well...

NOROMOS: It's always porny thoughts for you.

BDSMERS: Your point?

PRESENT DAY

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[THE MEETING IS CONTINUING.]

DANIEL: I think the stones are a kind of Ancient long-range communication device, allowing people to see events over great distances through some sort of psychic connection. Now Jack must have activated the link between the stones by picking up the second stone. Now after that, all that would be required is a certain proximity to the stone, for the connection to be activated. Now seeing as how the stone was being stored in the base archives...

JACK: But that doesn't explain how the other stone got to the... Where? Where was it?

TEAL'C: A garage sale.

JOE: The person who sold it to me said his grandfather found it on a dig in Egypt.

AUDIENCE: So, the people who dug up and hid the Stargate at Giza didn't do a thorough prop check before they left?

SAM: But that still doesn't explain the proximity issue. I mean, if the stone General O'Neill touched was kept here, how was Joe able to see everything that happened to the General offworld?

DANIEL: I think he was getting most of it from when Jack was writing up his reports right here on the base. The stone was being stored just a few levels above.

CONTINUITY GEEKS: Even more... convenient.

WRITERS: See? We had it covered.

JOE: That's why the stories were so easy to write. It was like someone else had done most of the work for me.

SLASHERS: Um, we'd just like to point out something. Jack wasn't at Vis Uban when Daniel descended, he only heard about Daniel being found naked. So if Joe saw it, that means Jack had to picture it in his mind, right? [...] Canon!

JACK: And you say they all got rejected?

[JOE NODS.]

AUDIENCE: [cackle]

SAM: Wait a second. If the stones worked the way Daniel says, shouldn't General O'Neill have been able to see elements of Joe's life, as well?

DANIEL: Theoretically, yes he would.

[JACK AND JOE EXCHANGE LOOKS, AS WE'RE TREATED TO A SERIES OF FLASHBACKS OF JOE'S LIFE.]

JACK: Bowling league, Thursday nights?

JOE: You saw that?

JACK: You got game, son.

DANIEL: Wait a minute. Jack, you've been seeing parts of the life of a barber in Indiana for seven years, and you never mentioned it?

JACK: Yeah, sure I did. I know I did.

SAM: No, no you didn't, sir.

JACK: I didn't?

CONTINUITY GEEKS: No, you totally didn't. We'd have noticed.

DANIEL: You didn't find it the least bit odd?

CONTINUITY GEEKS: No, the word you're looking for is... convenient.

JACK: Actually no. I found it quite relaxing.

NOT FANS OF DUMB!JACK: [sigh]

EXT. A PARK IN INDIANA, DAY

[JOE WAITS ON THE PARK BENCH WHERE HE LAST SPOKE TO CHARLENE. HE GETS UP AS SHE ARRIVES.]

JOE: Charlene?

CHARLENE: I only have about ten minutes, and I really need to get right back to work. Um, there's no easy way to say this. I want a divorce.

[A BLACK SUV PULLS UP BEHIND HER IN THE PARKING LOT AND SOME MEN GET OUT.]

JOE: I know, I mean, you have every right to. But before we get to that, there's someone who'd like to meet you. Here he comes now.

[JACK APPROACHES THEM FROM THE SUV IN HIS FULL UNIFORM.]

JACK FANS: Oh. My. We. Are. Dead. From. The. Guh.

AUDIENCE: Day-um, he cleans up good.

JOE: Charlene, meet General Jack O'Neill of the United States Air Force.

[O'NEILL REMOVES HIS HAT AND REACHES OUT TO SHAKE HER HAND.]

JACK: It's a pleasure to meet you, ma'am. I think we have some things to talk about.

[THEY ALL SIT TOGETHER ON THE PARK BENCH.]

JACK: It's all true...

FADE OUT

END CREDITS

AUDIENCE: So, is Joe going to be the barber at the SGC now? Or maybe ship him down to the Antarctic base, just as a back up with the whole gene thing?

WRITERS: Joe who? We've already forgotten.

AUDIENCE: [sigh]

FANFIC WRITERS: Don't worry, we've got it covered.

NEXT WEEK, RECKONING, PART ONE, IN WHICH SYSTEM LORD ASSES ARE KICKED, REPLICARTER RETURNS, AND JACK PONDERS THOR'S CUTE LITTLE GREY BUM. DANIEL ALSO DISAPPEARS, AND NOBODY SEEMS TO CARE.

DANIEL FANS: And this is unusual in the last couple of seasons because?