8.16 Reckoning Part 1: The Breadbox Edition

TEASER

EXT. SPACE, THE FINAL FRONTIER... ER, WAIT, WRONG SHOW. OR IS IT?

AUDIENCE: It's really hard to tell sometimes.

STAR TREK FANS: We've got better ships.

NOT FANS OF PROMETHEUS: No doubt.

S/J SHIPPERS: And y'all had ships between crewmembers that weren't against the regs. [pout] Lucky bastards.

INT. MOTHERSHIP MEETING CHAMBER

[BA'AL'S FEMALE REPRESENTATIVE ADDRESSES THREE SYSTEM LORDS, INCLUDING YU AND HIS FIRST PRIME, OSHU.]

YU FANS: We have a bad feeling about this.

OSHU FANS: Whatever. Oshu's purdy.

REPRESENTATIVE: The System Lords are no longer. You have become a meaningless coalition that cannot resist the power of my master, Lord Ba'al.

BA'AL FANS: No one can resist Ba'al. [sigh]

[OSHU BENDS TO LISTEN TO YU WHISPER TO HIM.]

OSHU: Your master has no honor. The System Lords have not weakened in their resolve.

REPRESENTATIVE: The Jaffa are weak willed and fallible. Is it any wonder they've begun to doubt their faith in the gods? So many Goa'uld have fallen.

OSHU: Ba'al was wise to send a representative.

YU: I would have killed him with my own hands!

[THE REPRESENTATIVE SAYS IF THEY SURRENDER, BA'AL WILL ALLOW THEM TO KEEP THEIR ARMIES AND THEIR TERRITORY, BUT THEY WILL BOW TO BA'AL AS SUPREME COMMANDER.

YU: [pissed]

REPRESENTATIVE: Refusal to accept the terms of this offer will result in the resumption of hostilities and ultimately, your death.

[A JAFFA WHISPERS TO BA'AL'S REPRESENTATIVE, AND SHE TELL HIM TO "BRING HER."]

SNIT: We've got a bad feeling about this.

[TWO KULL WARRIORS ESCORT SAM INTO THE ROOM.]

REPRESENTATIVE: Major Samantha Carter.

SNIT: A *really* bad feeling.

SAM: Actually, I'm a Colonel now.

AUDIENCE: We'll alert the galaxy.

SNIT: Oh, please. Like they care that you probably slept your way to a promotion.

S/J SHIPPERS: That's *not* what happened! She got the promotion on her own merits, and her sleeping with Jack had nothing to do with it.

SNIT: We're pretty sure that's not what they're saying behind her back at the SGC.

REPRESENTATIVE: Her cargo ship was intercepted by my sentries when it violated the proximity zone around this station. I am well aware of your past relationship with SG-1 and the Tau'ri. Would you have me believe that her sudden appearance here is nothing more than mere coincidence?

[YU WALKS OVER TO SAM.]

YU: What are you doing here?

[SAM'S ARM MORPHS INTO A KNIFE AND SHE STABS YU, THEN ADVANCES ON BA'AL'S REPRESENTATIVE. OUTSIDE, A REPLICATOR SHIP APPROACHES THE MOTHERSHIP.]

YU FANS: Bad feeling confirmed.

OSHU FANS: We're still going to hold out hope though.

SNIT: Oh, wait. This is the Sam we kinda like. The one with the spine.

AUDIENCE: And now with a T-1000 spike for an arm.

SNIT: But for some reason, we're fine with that.

ATLANTIS FANS: But *we* got Colonel Sumner, so nyeah.

NON-ATLANTIS FANS: Who what now?

AUDIENCE: And you couldn't even hold onto him through the pilot episode, you wankers.

SLASHERS: Wankers? Where?

END TEASER

OPENING CREDITS

INT. ANOTHER SHIP

NOROMOS: Ships, ships, ships. We're surround by ships!

SHIPPERS: Whee!

SHIT BLOWING UP FANS: Oh boy, we've got some potential here!

[BRA'TAC IS AT THE CONTROLS, AS SG-1 WALKS INTO THE ROOM. THEY'RE WAITING TO MEET UP WITH RAK'NOR AND OTHER REBEL JAFFA, WHO PLAN TO TAKE ON A GOA'ULD SHIP.]

SAM: And we're just here as observers but, right now, I'm observing the fact that if you take on one of Amateratsu's motherships without proper backup, you could get yourself killed.

DANIEL: Us observers, too.

[BRA'TAC'S NOT WORRIED, BECAUSE THEY HAVE SECURITY CODES AND REBEL JAFFA ON THE ENEMY SHIP. ONCE THE OTHER JAFFA WITNESS THE DEATH OF THEIR FALSE GOD, HE THINKS THEY'LL REALIZE THE TRUTH AND JOIN IN THE REBELLION.]

AUDIENCE: Bra'tac doesn't seem to realize that it might be more akin to poking a stick into a hornet's nest instead of instant kinship, does he?

CONTINUITY FANS: Besides, those still loyal will probably try to schlep their dead god into a sarcophagus. Being dead hasn't stopped their god before, now has it?

SAM: Isn't the fact that we haven't heard from Rak'nor kind of a bad sign?

SNIT: Did you give him the Doe Eyes of Death the last time you saw him?

[THE SENSORS DETECT AN APPROACHING HAT'AK CLASS SHIP, BUT IT'S NOT RAK'NOR.]

SAM: Then it has to be Amateratsu. Shouldn't we get out of here?

[TEAL'C LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT CUTTING AND RUNNING.]

DANIEL: Teal'c, the odds are not in our favor.

TEAL'C: They never are, Daniel Jackson.

DANIEL: [shrug]

AUDIENCE: He does have a point there.

TEAL'C FANS: He's got lines, rewind the tape!

TIVO FANS: Who needs tape?!

[THE HA'TAK SHIP DRAWS CLOSER.]

BRA'TAC: I am hailing them and transmitting the security codes.

[THE SHIP SHUDDERS AS IT IS FIRED UPON.]

BRA'TAC: They fired on us. Shield strength is down 60%.

TEAL'C: How is that possible?

SAM: What the hell did they hit us with?

AUDIENCE: And what did Bra'tac say in that coded message about their mommas to rate that attack? Cause we're thinking, "Your momma wears combat boots" might be a compliment among the Jaffa.

TEAL'C FANS: Maybe Teal'c farted in their general direction?

AUDIENCE: Nah, that would have killed the enemy.

TEAL'C FANS: Yeah, he's "silent but deadly" on that front. Well, except for the silent part.

[THEY RETURN FIRE, BUT IT'S HAVING NO EFFECT. THE SHIELDS GO DOWN, AND THE NAVIGATIONAL CONTROLS ARE NOT RESPONDING. TEAL'C SUGGESTS RINGING DOWN TO THE PLANET AND ESCAPING THROUGH THE STARGATE.]

STARGATE: Now there's a fine man who appreciates me.

[THEY MAKE THEIR WAY THROUGH THE SHIP TO THE RING ROOM, BUT BEFORE THEY GET THERE, THEY HEAR A NOISE AND STOP.]

SAM: What is it?

TEAL'C FANS: Silent but deadly moment?

[THE DOORS AHEAD OF THEM OPEN AND INSECT REPLICATORS SWARM IN.]

DANIEL: That's not good.

AUDIENCE: No shit, Sherlock. We can see why you have multiple degrees.

[TEAL'C LEADS THEM DOWN ANOTHER CORRIDOR, AND THE REPLICATORS FOLLOW, SAM AND DANIEL TURN AND BEGIN SHOOTING AT THEM. THE REPLICATORS ZOOM IN ON DANIEL, WHO IS BEAMED AWAY.]

SAM: Daniel!

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: You're *so* gonna have some 'splaining to do when you get home, missy.

TEAL'C/DANIEL SLASHERS: And the ride home ain't gonna be pleasant either.

BRA'TAC/DANIEL SLASHERS: Ain't that the truth?

AUDIENCE: Bra'tac and Daniel? Isn't Bra'tac a little old for Daniel?

BRA'TAC/DANIEL SLASHERS: Oh, please. Jack is older than Daniel, and Teal'c is over 100. Besides, Daniel *likes* old things.

FOURGY-FANS: He'll just take all three "old" guys. Hee!

SAM/DANIEL FANS: Can't we give her a moment to reflect and mourn, here?

NOROMOS: No! Moving on...

SHIPPERS AND SLASHERS OF EVERY INCARNATION: Awwwww, man, you're no fun.

NOROMOS: We'll wear clown shoes and rubber noses to every screening if you'll just shut the hell up about everyone's love lives.

INT. SGC GATEROOM

[JACOB IS WALKING DOWN THE RAMP AS JACK ENTERS, WITH HIS ARMS OUTSTRETCHED IN A GREETING.]

JACK: Jacob!

JACOB: Jack, we've got a problem. We need to talk.

JACK: Hi! Hello. How are ya? Long time, no see. What's doing? What's up? Hey buddy?

[JACK PATS JACOB ON THE SHOULDER.]

JACK/JACOB SLASHERS: [le sigh] They're practically canon, aren't they?

JACOB: I'm sorry, Jack, it's good to see you again. Congratulations on your promotion.

JACK: Thanks.

JACOB: You deserve it.

SNIT: Unlike, we're sorry to say, your daughter. You really need to hang out for a while and have a little chat with her.

JACK: Yes, well... What's up?

JACOB: The Replicators. They've launched an all-out attack on the Goa'uld. If the Goa'uld can't find a way to stop them the Replicators will easily overrun our galaxy in a matter of weeks.

JACK: Why didn't you say so?

NOT FANS OF DUMB!JACK: Because you were too busy being General Cosmic Giddiness.

JACK: I'm sorry! You said we had a problem, not a big galactic emergency!

INT. SGC LAB

[JACOB IS SITTING IN FRONT OF A MONITOR, EXPLAINING TO JACK ABOUT HOW THE TOK'RA HAVE BEEN TAGGING GOA'ULD SHIPS SO THE TOK'RA COULD TRACK THEIR MOVEMENTS. A DEVICE HE'S BROUGHT WITH HIM WILL ALLOW HIM TO TAP INTO THE TOK'RA NETWORK AND SEE HOW THE BATTLE WITH THE REPLICATORS IS PROGRESSING.]

JACK: You know, we could have used something like this a long time ago.

JACOB: The High Council never thought they could trust you with it.

JACK: What changed their mind?

JACOB: Nothing. They don't know I took it.

JACK: Ah!

JACOB FANS: Jacob's da man!

SELMAK: [ahem]

JACOB FANS: And you're da... um... symbiote!

SELMAK: [preen]

JACOB: My relationship with the council is still a little strained.

JACK: It's not going to get any better if you keep stealing stuff.

[JACOB GIVES JACK A LOOK.]

JACK: No complaints, I'll take anything I can get. Weapons, receivers, silverware.

[JACOB GETS THE SYSTEM WORKING, AND A LARGE SCREEN SHOWS DOTS REPRESENTING EVERY TAGGED GOA'ULD SHIP. AS THEY WATCH, DOTS FLICKER OUT WITH "LOST SIGNAL" REPLACING THEM.]

JACK: What just happened?

JACOB: The beacon stopped transmitting their signals. Likely meaning those ships were either destroyed or taken over by the Replicators.

[ANOTHER SHIP DISAPPEARS FROM THE SCREEN.]

NOROMOS: If only it were that easy. We rather like this idea.

F/X DEPARTMENT: We do too. Just *telling* you a ship is destroyed instead of showing it to you is saving us a hell of a lot on our budget.

SHIT BLOWING UP FANS: Damn you! What a copout!

AUDIENCE: Any chance of sending some of the saved money over to the hair and makeup departments? Or would that just make things worse?

ATLANTIS FANS: We've got it taken care of, thanks bunches!

JACOB: As I said, given the progress of these battles, the Goa'uld will be wiped out in a matter of weeks.

[ANOTHER SHIP DISAPPEARS FROM THE SCREEN.]

JACK: You know, I have to admit, I have some mixed feelings about this.

JACOB: Well, we all want to see the Goa'uld stranglehold on the galaxy broken, but not if they're just going to be replaced by something worse.

[AN ALARM SOUNDS ABOUT A UNSCHEDULED OFFWORLD ACTIVATION, SO JACK AND JACOB HEAD TO THE GATEROOM.]

INT. SGC GATEROOM

[JACK AND JACOB ARRIVE JUST AS SAM, TEAL'C AND BRA'TAC COME THROUGH THE GATE. SAM AND HER DAD EXCHANGE PERSONAL GREETINGS.]

JACK: So, what the heck happened? Didn't you guys have a ship?

NOROMOS: Sam's had her own personal ship for *ages* now.

SNIT: Word.

[THE GATE DEACTIVATES.]

JACK: And by the way... where's Daniel?

SAM, BRA'TAC AND TEAL'C: [squirm]

BRA'TAC: He was beamed away before our very eyes.

TEAL'C: By Replicators.

SNIT: Um, shouldn't *Sam* be reporting, since she's supposedly in command and Jack's her superior officer?

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: He's also going to be the one who tears her a new one over losing Daniel.

JACOB: Just Daniel?

SAM: There's only one reason I can think of. My duplicate. She knows the greatest threat the Replicators have ever known is the disruptor technology that you built using Ancient knowledge.

JACK: So? She's immune to that now.

SNIT: Thanks to Little Miss National Treasure.

[SAM SAYS REPLICATORS ALWAYS SEEK OUT THE MOST ADVANCED TECH, AND THAT REPLICARTER MAY BE SEARCHING FOR ANY OTHER ANCIENT TECH THAT COULD BE A THREAT. SINCE DANIEL HAD ACCESS TO THAT KNOWLEDGE WHEN HE WAS ASCENDED, REPLICARTER MAY WANT TO PICK HIS BRAIN. LITERALLY.]

JACOB: I thought he didn't retain those memories?

SAM: We don't know that for sure. Daniel has remembered certain things from when he was ascended. She may think that everything she needs to know about the Ancients is buried in his subconscious. If it is, she'll find it.

AUDIENCE: We don't know that for sure about Daniel remembering things because the writers didn't bother to tell us, so it could be used for a plot device whenever they needed it.

WRITERS: Like now.

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[JACK, TEAL'C, BRA'TAC, JACOB AND SAM ARE DISCUSSING THE DEEP LEVEL OF KIMCHI THEY'RE IN. JACOB TELLS THEM THE REBELLING JAFFA ARE REPLEDGING THEIR LOYALTY TO THE GOA'ULD. INSTEAD OF THE THREAT OF THE REPLICATORS MAKING THE GOA'ULD LOOK WEAK, THE JAFFA SEES THEM AS PLAGUE -- A PUNISHMENT FOR BETRAYING THEIR GODS.]

TEAL'C: This situation has dealt the Jaffa rebellion a serious blow. Even if we were to somehow defeat the Replicators the Goa'uld would undoubtedly take credit, thereby solidifying Jaffa loyalty, as well as their belief in the Goa'uld as Gods.

JACK: I think the key phrase in there was, "somehow defeat the Replicators"?

SAM: We haven't had much luck, sir. The inert Replicator cells left behind by my duplicate haven't given us any clues as to how to fight the immunity she's developed. As far as I know, Thor hasn't made much progress in modifying the disruptor technology, either.

ATLANTIS FANS: Want to borrow McKay?

MCKAY FANS: No! They can't have him. We want to keep him.

MCSHEP SLASHERS: John might have a problem with that.

JACK: Well, let him know what's going on, and don't be afraid to remind him that we've saved his cute, little gray bum several times.

JACK/THOR SLASHERS: Canon! Jack's pondering Thor's "cute, little gray bum"!

AUDIENCE: Did we stock up on brain cleaner?

INT. TEAL'C'S QUARTERS

[BRA'TAC AND TEAL'C COMMISERATE ABOUT THE SITUATION, HOPING THAT THOR CAN DEVISE A MEANS OF DESTROYING THE REPLICATORS, BUT KNOWING THAT THE GOA'ULD WILL TRY TO TAKE CREDIT AND MAKE THEMSELVES MORE GODLIKE TO THEIR JAFFA.]

TEAL'C: We must act now, before this conflict is resolved. Win back the hearts and minds of those who waver, before they are lost to us. We must, once and for all, destroy the Goa'uld's image as gods, forever.

BRA'TAC: How?

TEAL'C: By capturing the temple at Dakara.

BRA'TAC: [shocked]

AUDIENCE: We're pretty shocked too, since we've never heard of the place.

WRITERS: We're *sure* we mentioned it before. You must have been out getting snacks.

TEAL'C: Everything we have fought for hangs in the balance.

BRA'TAC: Yes. But Dakara?

TEAL'C: Capture it, and never again will a Jaffa worship a false god.

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

SAM: Sir. I'm sorry to bother you, but...

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: She's there to proclaim her wuv!

SNIT AND NOROMOS: Again?!

JACK: I'm only going to say this once, Carter. What happened to Daniel was not your fault.

SNIT: It damn sure *was* her fault.

DANIEL FANS: Word!

SAM: She knows he may hold key Ancient knowledge because of me. She's out there because of me. I basically gave her the means to counter the only effective weapon we have against her.

SNIT: See? Her fault.

JACK: I also gave you permission to work with her. It's not going to change anything.

SNIT: So you're at fault too, that doesn't absolve Sam. But at least you aren't practically patting her head this time.

JACK: Unless you're suggesting we use that time machine to go back and fix it.

SAM: No, sir. We all agreed we would never do that. For all we know it could just make things worse.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Yeah, you might actually get Daniel back, and he'd be competition for Jack's attention.

[CHEVRON GUY KNOCKS ON THE DOOR.]

CHEVRON GUY: Sir, we're receiving a message from Thor. He said he's ready to transport...

[SAM'S BEAMED OUT.]

JACK: You were saying?

CHEVRON GUY: Never mind.

AUDIENCE: He totally deserves a raise for dealing with this shit, doesn't he?

INT. THE DANIEL JACKSON

DANIEL FANS: [taking a deep breath]

AUDIENCE: That's *the* Daniel Jackson, as in the Asgard ship, you pervs.

DANIEL FANS: You're no fun.

[SAM'S BEAMED ONTO THE SHIP'S CONTROL CENTER.]

THOR: I have already transported your research and the remains of the human-form Replicator to this lab. We may continue our work from here.

CARTER: Any progress on your end?

THOR: I have yet to isolate the cipher the human form Replicator introduced to render the disruptor weapon ineffective.

SAM: Well, given the situation I think it's time to take more drastic steps.

THOR: You are suggesting we attempt to trigger a subspace connection between the remains of the arm and the rest of the Replicator, so that we may search for the cipher among their communications data?

SAM: Too wild and crazy?

AUDIENCE: You're just a blast at parties, aren't ya?

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

[JACK IS AT HIS DESK, WITH BRA'TAC AND TEAL'C STANDING IN FRONT OF IT, TRYING TO EXPLAIN THEIR PLAN.]

JACK: What makes this place so special?

AUDIENCE: The writers said so.

TEAL'C: The temple at Dakara is sacred to all Jaffa.

AUDIENCE: Since about ten minutes ago, by our reckoning.

BRA'TAC: It is rich in historical significance. Legend tells it is the place where Anubis rose from the dead.

AUDIENCE: Wow, and we thought *we* were good with the fanwanking.

TEAL'C: It is also the site of the first Prim'ta ritual.

AUDIENCE: Ah, we love the smell of a retcon in the morning!

BRA'TAC: It is that rite of passage that has bonded us in servitude, ever since. For thousands of years the Jaffa have viewed Dakara as the holiest of sites, the very cradle of our existence. It is the place where the Goa'uld first gave Jaffa their strength and longevity.

AUDIENCE: So we're talking retcon of *epic* proportions. Let's just create a history at the last minute, shall we?

JACK: And you really think this place is going to make a difference?

AUDIENCE: The writers *said* so.

BRA'TAC: Seizing control of the temple there would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt the Goa'uld do not possess the power of the Gods.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, sure, whatever. It's just an excuse to blow shit up, isn't it?

WRITERS: Well, duh.

TEAL'C: Even the most stubborn Jaffa would have to question his loyalty to the Goa'uld.

AUDIENCE: Or be even more pissed off at those who defy the gods.

JACK: There has to be a catch or you guys would have done this a long time ago.

AUDIENCE: The catch is this place didn't exist until ten minutes ago.

BRA'TAC: Dakara is deep within Ba'al's territory, and under normal circumstances it is heavily guarded. However, with Ba'al's forces deployed throughout the galaxy battling the Replicators, the temple is more vulnerable now than it has ever been.

TEAL'C: Still, our success depends on the element of surprise and the use of the entire rebel fleet.

STAR WARS FANS: Rebel fleet? If the temple at Dakara looks anything like a Death Star, or worse yet, there's Ewoks involved, we're outtie.

BRA'TAC: Listen to me, O'Neill. This war must be fought on two fronts. We will re-ignite the uprising and conquer our oppressors, while you find the means to stop these Replicators. Let us each fight the enemy we know best.

AUDIENCE: Or make things worse by trying to re-ignite the uprising and have it blow up in your face. Whatever. Have fun storming the castle.

INT. REPLICATOR SHIP

[DANIEL IS IN AN EMPTY ROOM, AND THE WALLS ARE MADE OF REPLICATOR PIECES. REPLICARTER APPEARS.]

REPLICARTER: Hello, Daniel.

DANIEL FANS: Hell-o, Daniel.

DANIEL: What the hell do you want?

REPLICARTER: You have information that I need.

DANIEL: Okay, what do you want to know?

REPLICARTER: I'm afraid it's not that simple.

DANIEL: Oh no, it is that simple.

[SHE MOVES TOWARDS HIM, AND HE BACKS AWAY, UNTIL HE HITS A WALL.]

DANIEL: If it's all the same to you, I'd rather not do the hand in the head thing. Honestly, I'll tell you whatever you want to know.

REPLICARTER: Honesty is not the problem.

[RESTRAINTS MADE OF REPLICATOR PIECES COME OUT OF THE WALL, BINDING DANIEL'S WRISTS AND LEGS.]

BDSMERS: Hell-o, Daniel. Bet you didn't know Replicarter was a domme, eh?

REPLICARTER: Unfortunately, to get what I need, we're going to have to dig a little deeper.

BDSMERS: Dig, baybee, dig!

[MORE BLOCKS COME OUT OF THE WALL, RESTRAINING DANIEL'S HEAD.]

BDSMERS: [thud] They finally got some of our memos at Bridge!

REPLICARTER: Shall we begin?

BDSMERS: [ahem] Um, safeword?

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: You are so dead, biatch. They won't be able to find one little Lego piece of your body when we're done with you.

INT. JAFFA REBELLION HEADQUARTERS, AKA A TENT

[BRA'TAC AND TEAL'C ARE SPEAKING WITH OTHER REBEL JAFFA ABOUT THEIR PLANS FOR DAKARA. THE OTHER REBEL JAFFA THINK THEY'RE BOTH BUGFUCK CRAZY. THEY THINK THE REPLICATORS ARE A BIGGER THREAT, AND THEY SHOULD FIGHT THEM BEFORE THE JAFFA ARE DESTROYED. TEAL'C SAYS THEY CAN'T DEFEAT REPLICATORS AT THESE NUMBERS, SO WITH BA'AL ALSO OCCUPIED BY THEM, THEY SHOULD STRIKE DAKARA NOW.]

TOLOK: No free Jaffa has ever set foot in the temple and lived.

AUDIENCE: Kind of hard for them to set foot in the temple when it didn't exist ten minutes ago.

WRITERS: By this time, fifteen.

BRA'TAC: Well, that is precisely why we must go there. If we succeed, many will join our cause.

ARON: If we succeed.

TEAL'C: Were the circumstances different, I would feel the same as you, brother. But the situation has changed. We must act now or our children will know no future, let alone a taste of freedom.

TOLOK: Teal'c, I believe there is wisdom in these words. However, you are aware that if we fail, it would effectively mean the end of the rebellion. Are you prepared to risk our entire cause on this one action?

TEAL'C: Indeed I am.

[THE JAFFA DECIDE TO TAKE DAKARA.]

DAKARA: I hope they at least buy me dinner. And hopefully bathe first.

INT. SGC LABORATORY

JACOB: Five more regions belonging to Ba'al have fallen in the past 24 hours.

AUDIENCE: We feel like breaking out singing, "Another One Bites the Dust."

JACK: He's not putting up much of a fight, is he?

[JACOB SAYS BA'AL IS FIGHTING IN TYPICAL GOA'ULD STYLE -- DEFENDING TERRITORY AT THE EXPENSE OF RESOURCES. HE SAYS THEY COULD SEND HIM A MESSAGE VIA THE TOK'RA IN HIS MIDST.]

SLASHERS: Jacob! Now is not the time to try to pass notes to your boyfriend!

SNIT: You know, maybe the apple doesn't fall far from the tree... or is it a nut?

[JACOB SAYS THEY CAN TELL BA'AL TO STOP FIGHTING SO AGGRESSIVELY, BECAUSE THE REPLICATORS TEND TO IGNORE PEOPLE WHEN THEY'RE NOT BEING ATTACKED. IT MIGHT BUY TIME FOR SAM TO COME UP WITH A SOLUTION.]

SNIT: And of course *Thor* has nothing to do with it.

JACOB: Jack, he's thinking like a System Lord defending himself against another Goa'uld. He doesn't know what he's dealing with.

JACK: And if he retreats, where do you think he's going to fall back to?

JACOB: You're worried about Teal'c and the rebel Jaffa.

JACK/TEAL'C SLASHERS AND FRIENDSHIPPERS: Like, duh.

JACK: They're counting on Ba'al's fleet being too busy to even care about anything else.

JACOB: The Jaffa rebellion has already failed. We can't risk the fate of the galaxy on one long-shot chance to revive it.

JACK: Is that Jacob talking? Or is that Selmak?

JACOB: Jack, I'm sorry. But the more ships Ba'al sends out to fight, the faster the Replicators assimilate them into their own armada. Their numbers are growing exponentially. If we don't do something about it, by the time we do come up with a weapon to use against them, it may be to late.

[YET ANOTHER OFFWORLD ACTIVATION ALARM SOUNDS, AND JACK AND JACOB GO TO THE CONTROL ROOM.]

INT. CONTROL ROOM

JACK: Now what have you got, Walter?

CHEVRON GUY: Some kind of...

[A HOLOGRAM OF BA'AL APPEARS AT THE BASE OF THE RAMP.]

JACK: Oh. Ba'al.

BDSMERS: No Jack, that's "*Oh*, Ba'al. *Yes*, Ba'al. Whatever you want Ba'al." [ponder] We wonder if Ba'al received our gift package yet?

INT. SGC GATEROOM

[JACK AND JACOB ENTER.]

JACK: Ba'al, buddy. We were just talking about you. All good.

BA'AL: By now you are aware of the Replicator threat in our galaxy, and that my fleet has engaged them in battle.

JACK: There's been a little chit... and chat, around the water cooler. How's that going?

NOT FANS OF DUMB!JACK: Shouldn't there be an alert that says, "Dumb!Jack is in the building!"?

ENVIRONMENTALLY CONSCIOUS MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE: Nah, get one that gives an alert that lets you know when Smart!Jack is there. Saves on the batteries.

BA'AL: We're holding them at bay for the moment. However, they are a more formidable force than I first anticipated.

JACK: Yeah, pesky little buggers, aren't they?

BA'AL: I am aware that the Asgard have previously fought the Replicators, effectively.

JACK: More or less. I don't like to toot my own horn, but...

NOT FANS OF DUMB!JACK: Please don't.

BA'AL: I am aware that you assisted the Asgard.

JACK: Yes?

JACK/BA'AL SLASHERS: Yes, Jack, that means Ba'al's been keeping tabs on you.

BA'AL: I wish to know what means you possess to fight the scourge.

JACK: I'm sorry, we must have had a bad connection there for a second. It almost sounded like you were asking me for help.

BA'AL: The Replicators are a threat to everyone, including the countless humans who populate worlds throughout this galaxy. Now, I propose that we work together, to defeat our common enemy.

JACK: My, this is an occasion. You know that bitter taste in your throat? It's kind of wrapped around your uvula? That's what's left of your pride.

BA'AL: Perhaps you could curb your amusement for a moment.

NOT FANS OF DUMB!JACK: You wish. We certainly do.

BDSMERS: Bet you wish you could tie him up again and spank the naughty General. We certainly do.

JACOB: If we're going to work together, the first thing we should discuss is strategy. Now, your attempts at meeting the Replicators head on are only going to result...

[JACK PLACES HIS HAND ON JACOB'S CHEST TO STOP HIM.]

JACK: Jacob, Jacob, Jacob.

JACOB: What?

JACK: I got it.

[JACK FACES BA'AL WITH A SMIRK ON HIS FACE.]

JACK: I've got a better idea. Instead of helping you, why don't we sit back and watch you get your ass kicked. That way, you'll be dead and we'll be glad.

BA'AL: You cannot be serious.

JACK: Yes, I can. I just choose not to, some of the time.

NOT FANS OF DUMB!JACK: *Some* of the time?

JACOB: [long suffering sigh]

BA'AL: With your insults you're dooming not just your world but all of humanity.

JACK: I think big.

NOT FANS OF DUMB!JACK: Puh-lease.

[BA'AL'S IMAGE DISAPPEARS, AND JACOB TURNS AROUND TO CONFRONT JACK.]

JACOB: What the hell was that?

NOT FANS OF DUMB!JACK: That was Jack being an ass. We're getting rather used to it. Unfortunately.

JACK: I'm sorry, Jacob, but I'm just not quite ready to sacrifice Teal'c.

BRA'TAC FANS: Hey!

INT. THE DANIEL JACKSON

[THOR REESTABLISHES THE LINK BETWEEN THE PIECES AND THE REST OF THE REPLICATORS FOR A SHORT TIME. HE ANALYZES THE DATA THEY RECEIVED AND SHOWS SAM A MAP OF THE LOCATION OF THE REPLICATORS.]

SAM: They're everywhere.

SNIT: And you helped!

DANIEL FANS: And Daniel's being held by your evil twin because of what you did!

SNIT: But we like the "evil twin" better.

DANIEL FANS: Well, yeah, but that's not the point. Is it?

INT. LEAD JAFFA FLEET SHIP

[TEAL'C AND BRA'TAC ARE AT THE CONTROLS AND ARON IS MANNING THE WEAPONS SYSTEMS, AS THEY APPROACH DAKARA. THERE APPEARS TO ONLY BE ONE HAT'AK CLASS VESSEL IN ORBIT, SO THEY GET COCKY.]

SLASHERS: Oh *really* now?

[ONE OF BA'AL'S JAFFA CONTACTS THEM OVER THE COMM, TELLING THEM THEY'VE ENCROACHED THE DOMAIN OF LORD BA'AL AND DEMAND THEY IDENTIFY THEMSELVES.]

TEAL'C: Shal'kek nem'ron. You are greatly outnumbered. Surrender now or be destroyed.

INT. TENT

[DANIEL APPEARS TO BE BACK ON VIS UBAN, AND IS WEARING THE BLUE ROBES AGAIN.]

DANIEL FANS: [thud]

OMA: They called you Arrom, did they not?

[DANIEL TURNS AND SEES OMA IN THE ENTRYWAY OF THE TENT.]

DANIEL FANS: It means "naked one." [giggle]

OMA: After you returned to your plane of existence.

DANIEL: Oma.

OMA: Daniel, it is good to see you again.

DANIEL: I don't understand. Last thing I remember...

OMA: You are still on the ship. The human-form Replicator is attempting to probe your mind as we speak.

DANIEL: So why are you here?

OMA: Because when she is done she will destroy you. And when that time comes you will be faced with a choice.

INT. ANUBIS' TEMPLE

[BA'AL ENTERS AND BEGINS HIS BATTLE REPORT.]

BA'AL: I've received word from the battle. The bulk of the fleet continues to engage the Replicators, as you have ordered. However...

[BA'AL PAUSES AND WE SEE ANUBIS SITTING ON A THRONE WITH HIS HANDS BLISTERED.]

AUDIENCE: Um, how the hell did Anubis get out of being a permanent ice sculpture on KS7-535?

WRITERS: Happened while you were...

AUDIENCE: Don't say it happened while we were getting snacks, or we'll have to hurt you.

WRITERS: OK, it happened while you were...

AUDIENCE: In the bathroom? Try again, sunshine.

WRITERS: He used pixie dust and farts, OK? Happy now?

AUDIENCE: Normally, we'd say "show, don't tell" but in this case... nevermind.

BA'AL: I believe it would be wise to pull our forces back. If we stop confronting the enemy on so wide a front, it may slow their advance, and allow us a chance to mount a proper defense.

ANUBIS: You doubt my power?

AUDIENCE: No, you look like a leper just because it's fashionable.

BA'AL: Of course not. But your fleet is falling into their hands rapidly. Not even the Kull Warriors...

[ANUBIS RAISES HIS HEAD, AND WE SEE HIS BADLY BLISTERED FACE UNDER HIS HOOD.]

AUDIENCE: Hm... an allergic reaction to the fabric softener used on his robes, eh?

ANUBIS: Do not concern yourself. When the time is right, I promise you, this nuisance will be dealt with. Trust in me.

BA'AL: As always.

BA'AL FANS: "As always." Does that translate to "I didn't in the first place, I'm just playing along so you don't kill me"?

INT. SGC LABORATORY

[SAM IS REPORTING TO JACK AND JACOB VIA VIDEOLINK ABOUT WHAT THEY'VE LEARNED THROUGH CONNECTING TO THE REPLICATOR NETWORK. THEY'VE MANAGED TO ISOLATE THE CIPHER AND NOW THE WEAPON WORKS AGAIN.]

JACK: Good job!

SNIT: Now don't fuck it up and let Replicarter stick her hand in your head. Again.

CONSPIRACY THEORISTS: Tin foil hat. Seriously.

[SAM SAYS THEY DON'T KNOW IF THEY WERE DETECTED, AND STILL NEED TO TEST IF THE DISRUPTER WILL WORK. THEY NEED TO TEST IT UNDER BATTLE CONDITIONS, SO THEY'RE GOING TO USE THE INTEL THEY'VE GATHERED ON REPLICATOR SHIP LOCATIONS AND GO AFTER A FEW ISOLATED SHIPS FIRST. JACOB AND JACK WISH SAM LUCK, THEN SIGN OFF.]

JACOB: Never a dull moment.

SNIT: Well, actually, there are quite a few. Most of them regarding your daughter and her pathetic attempts at a love life. Sorry.

INT. TENT

DANIEL: So, you're here to offer me the opportunity to ascend again?

OMA: If that is what you wish.

DANIEL: I wish? What are my options?

AUDIENCE: What is this, a fast food drive through? You want fries with your enlightenment?

OMA: Personally, I would choose eternal enlightenment rather than the alternative.

DANIEL: If it were only that simple.

OMA: I admit, the decision is not as easy as it appears. The last time, for you, the experience was challenging at the best of times.

DANIEL: Unfortunately, I don't have any memories of the last time I was ascended. How can I make an informed decision if I don't remember what it was like?

OMA: Daniel, I did not take your memories from you.

DANIEL: You think I haven't tried to remember? Tell me how.

OMA: I can't.

DANIEL: Then tell me what I need to know.

OMA: If you are seeking an absolute truth you will not find it. Only truth that applies to you.

DANIEL: That is so extremely unhelpful.

AUDIENCE: Ditto.

OMA: When the time comes, you will know.

DANIEL: What if Replicator Carter finds what it is she's looking for?

OMA: There is that possibility.

DANIEL: You have to stop her.

OMA: I can't.

DANIEL: Why not? Offer me ascension now.

OMA: You're not dead yet. All I can do is prepare you, help you to find your path to enlightenment when that time comes, if that is what you decide you want.

DANIEL: There's a way to defeat the Replicators hidden somewhere within my memories, isn't there?

OMA: You need only to open your mind to it.

DANIEL FANS: Being unclothed might help too. We're certain of it. And we're happy to apply scented oils to help you relax.

INT. DAKARA TEMPLE

[BRA'TAC, TEAL'C, ARON AND TOLOK ARE TELLING THE ENEMY JAFFA THAT THEY WILL BE DETAINED BUT NOT HARMED, AND IF THEY RENOUNCE THE FALSE GODS, THEY WILL GO FREE ONE DAY.]

ARON: The last of the garrison have surrendered. The temple is secure.

BRA'TAC: Many lives were spared today. Well done!

AUDIENCE: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You mean we're just told the battle was done, and y'all didn't show us shit blowing up?

WRITERS: Yep.

AUDIENCE: Can someone check the current rotation of the earth, because we think it stopped. It may be going in reverse.

SHIT BLOWING UP FANS: We're so going to write a nasty letter!

ATLANTIS GATE: There's no need for spinning when you've had your sugar daddies send over lots of money originally intended for their old girlfriend for the Vegas slot machine upgrade.

SGC GATE: Trollop.

ATLANTIS GATE: Hey, if it works, *work it*.

WRITERS: Hey baby, that slot machine upgrade is great and all, but we're starting to get the shakes over not blowing shit up.

BITTER SG-1 FANS: Who needs the Wraith when Atlantis can suck the life out of the SGC's budget from another galaxy?

INT. THE DANIEL JACKSON

THOR: Firing weapon.

REPLICATOR SHIP: [ow]

THOR: The ships' systems have shut down.

NOROMOS: Oooh, can we borrow that? We'll bring it right back.

[ANOTHER REPLICATOR SHIP ARRIVES ON THE SCENE AND BEGINS FIRING AT THEM. THEY FIRE BACK, BUT THE REPLICATORS HAVE ALREADY ADAPTED. THE DANIEL JACKSON JUMPS TO HYPERSPACE TO ESCAPE.]

INT. ANUBIS' TEMPLE

[BA'AL ENTERS AND WALKS TO THE DAIS. ANUBIS IS STANDING, FACING A MAN BEING HELD BY A COUPLE OF KULL WARRIORS.]

BA'AL: Excuse the intrusion. I will return.

[BA'AL TURNS TO LEAVE.]

ANUBIS: Stay.

ORGY FANS: Oh, is this scene what we think it is?

WRITERS: No.

ORGY FANS: Damn.

[ANUBIS TRANSFERS HIS ESSENCE TO THE OTHER MANS BODY, AND THE KULL WARRIORS DRAG AWAY THE OLD BODY. ANUBIS ADMIRES HIS NEW REFLECTION IN THE POLISHED WALL.]

ANUBIS: Speak.

BA'AL: A force of rebel Jaffa have managed to take control of the temple at Dakara.

ANUBIS: As I hoped. They have no doubt gathered their full force and presented us with the perfect opportunity to annihilate them, once and for all. Have the fleet disengage their battle with the Replicators and move on Dakara. Take it back at all cost. Leave no survivors.

BA'AL: As you wish.

THE PRINCESS BRIDE FANS: It's wuv, twu wuv!

INT. TENT

OMA: You control the barrier between your consciousness and what you seek. You merely need to open your mind. The truth is, all knowledge, everything that is and was and will be, is everywhere. Out there and in all of us.

[DANIEL SMILES SLIGHTLY.]

DANIEL: If you immediately know the candlelight is fire, then the meal was cooked a long time ago.

[OMA LOOKS PUZZLED AND HESITATES BEFORE REPLYING.]

OMA: Yes.

DANIEL: No. You're trying to understand it, aren't you?

OMA: It means what you want it to mean.

DANIEL: No, it doesn't, and you're not Oma.

[THE IMAGE OF OMA TRANSFORMS INTO REPLICARTER.]

AUDIENCE: Wow. Shock. Amazement. Not.

REPLICARTER: No, I'm not, but it doesn't matter. Thanks to you I've found what I was looking for.

DANIEL FANS: Daniel tied up and at your mercy?

BDSMERS: Works for us!

DANIEL FANS: Us too, now that we think about it.

INT. THE DANIEL JACKSON

THOR: We are approaching Earth. We will be there shortly.

[THE SHIP'S POWER FLUCTUATES.]

SAM: What's wrong?

THOR: Several of my key systems are no longer responding. We have been boarded.

SAM: See if you can modify the disruptor wave again. I'll go buy us some time.

THOR: I have no way of knowing how many Replicators you will face.

SAM: Well, what choice do we have?

THOR: I must return you to Stargate Command before my transporter systems are affected.

SNIT: He's just afraid that she'll offer to let one of them stick a hand in her head. Again.

SAM: And what about you?

THOR: I will attempt to fly this ship as far away from Earth as possible, before it is completely compromised.

SAM: No way, I'm not gonna let you...

[SAM IS BEAMED AWAY.]

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

[SAM APPEARS IN THE OFFICE.]

SAM: ...sacrifice yourself.

[SHE STOPS AS SHE REALIZES THAT SHE'S BACK AT THE SGC.]

SAM: Dammit!

[JACK LOOKS UP FROM HIS PAPERWORK, SURPRISED.]

AUDIENCE: Jack's doing paperwork? [faint]

JACK: Carter?

SAM: The weapon worked at first, but the Replicators immediately adapted themselves. They're immune again.

JACK: No chance you guys could fix this thing, get it to work?

SAM: Sir, Thor's ship was boarded. He beamed me down here before all his systems were compromised. He's trying to get his ship as far away from Earth as possible.

DANIEL FANS: At least the Daniel Jackson lasted a lot longer than the Jack O'Neill. [...] And Sam was working with Thor when *that* happened too. This isn't a coincidence is it?

AUDIENCE: She wants a ship named after *her*. It's ship envy.

NOROMOS: [giggles hysterically]

JACK: I'll take that as a no.

SLASHERS: Jack's just pissy that everyone else got "in" Daniel Jackson.

ORGY FANS: It's all rather Freudian, isn't it?

INT. DAKARA TEMPLE

TEAL'C: Never in my dreams could I have imagined I would one day stand beneath these great columns.

AUDIENCE: We never imagined it either. But then how could we, since this place was never mentioned before?

ARON: Think of it. This is the very spot in which our enslavement began.

TEAL'C: Then this sacred temple is an appropriate place for our enslavement to end.

AUDIENCE: We totally need hipwaders to get through the piles of bullshit.

[THEY CONTINUE GIVING EACH OTHER VIRTUAL HIGH FIVES OVER TAKING THE TEMPLE, THEN GET WORD THAT BA'AL HAS BROKEN OFF BATTLE WITH THE REPLICATORS AND HIS HEADING FOR DAKARA.]

BRA'TAC: As we expected. You see, taking the temple was not our greatest challenge. Holding it will be.

INT. TENT

REPLICARTER: This Oma character. Why do you have such reverence for her? These ridiculous sayings are just nonsense.

DANIEL: To you maybe.

REPLICARTER: If she really has as much power as you think she does, why doesn't she help you? She merely stands by and does nothing.

DANIEL: Do you mean, while you destroy entire civilizations?

REPLICARTER: That's a matter of perspective. You call it destruction. We call it creation.

DANIEL: You're not really trying to justify your actions, are you?

REPLICARTER: No. I have no need for you to understand us.

DANIEL: Why the elaborate ruse? I mean, you probed my mind at will, I obviously can't stop you.

REPLICARTER: You could have resisted. I needed you to open up to the possibility of remembering the knowledge in your subconscious. It made it much easier for me to find what I was looking for.

DANIEL: And what did you find?

[AN IMAGE OF THE TEMPLE OF DAKARA FORMS OUT OF THE SAND.]

DANIEL: Pretty. What is it?

AUDIENCE: Pretty. Pretty damned convenient.

REPLICARTER: The ruins of an Ancient monument on a planet now called Dakara. Within it is the one weapon in this galaxy capable of destroying me.

[SHE MOVES HER HAND AND THE IMAGE IN THE SAND BLOWS AWAY. SHE TURNS BACK TO FACE DANIEL.]

REPLICARTER: Thanks to you, it will soon be no more.

AUDIENCE: Duh duh duhhhhhn! But isn't showing one of the heroes how you're going to defeat them straight from the Evil Overlord list?

INT. SGC GATEROOM

[THE GATE ALARM IS SOUNDING. CHEVRON GUY AND SILER ARE FACING BA'AL'S HOLOGRAM, AND CHEVRON GUY IS CHECKING HIS WATCH.]

CHEVRON GUY: I'm sure he'll be here any second now.

BA'AL: [peeved]

CHEVRON GUY: So, um...

AUDIENCE: How 'bout those Broncos?

[JACK ENTERS.]

JACK: I am so sorry! I was just finishing up a lovely brunch.

[JACK SLAPS HIS STOMACH.]

BA'AL: Impudence.

NOT FANS OF DUMB!JACK: No, Cosmic Giddiness.

JACK: No, tuna. So, I hear your fleet is retreating from the Replicators.

BA'AL: How could you know that?

JACK: I have my sources.

BA'AL: My fleet is on its way to recapture Dakara and destroy the Jaffa who have dishonored their true god.

JACK: Will you stop with the true god crap? I mean seriously, what difference will it make? You're just delaying the inevitable.

BA'AL: The Replicators are a formidable enemy, but I've recently learned of a weapon hidden on Dakara capable of destroying them.

AUDIENCE: Um, when did Anubis and Ba'al get a memo from Replicarter? Anubis was wanting to take back Dakara, but he never mentioned any weapon to Ba'al.

WRITERS: You blinked.

JACK: Really? And you're telling me this, why?

BA'AL: Because you must destroy it, before my fleet arrives to claim it.

JACK: Alright, you got me. I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about.

AUDIENCE: Neither do we, because Anubis never told him about this Ancient weapon. He just told him to destroy the rebel Jaffa using his fleet, not any superweapon.

BA'AL: The weapon on Dakara was built by the Ancients. It is not only capable of destroying the Replicators but all life in the galaxy.

JACK: And your own sweet self included.

BA'AL: Yes.

JACK: So why would you use it?

BA'AL: I would not, but there is one who would. One who can survive such pervasive devastation.

JACK: Oh, please don't tell me.

BA'AL: Anubis.

JACK: I asked you not to tell me.

AUDIENCE: If Anubis had access to this weapon all this time, then why didn't he just hit the reboot button ages ago and get it over with?

WRITERS: The rest of the Ascended folks wouldn't let him.

AUDIENCE: But they will now?

WRITERS: Um. Sure. Why not?

TO BE CONTINUED

AUDIENCE: Bastards.

DANIEL FANS: Did *anyone* show a smidge of concern over Daniel being missing?

WRITERS: They were busy. Besides it's not like he's ever actually died.

DANIEL FANS: [glare]

WRITERS: Well, not *permanently*.

CLOSING CREDITS

NEXT WEEK, RECKONING 2, AND A WELCOME TO DANNY'S WORLD.

DANIEL FANS: So. There.