8.17 Reckoning Part 2: The Breadbox Edition

PREVIOUSLY ON STARGATE SG-1

DANIEL FANS: RepliCarter stole our Daniel!

JAFFA FANS: Oh, and the rebel Jaffa are making a last stand against the Goa'uld.

DANIEL FANS: Whatever. Give us back Daniel, you bitch!

REPLICARTER: He has a very pretty... mind.

DANIEL FANS: Oh god, does the Doe Eyes of Death thing carry over to Replicator form?

TEASER

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[SAM, JACK AND JACOB DISCUSS THE ANCIENT WEAPON ON DAKARA.]

AUDIENCE: What Ancient weapon on Dakara? What are we saying? We never heard of *Dakara* until the last episode.

WRITERS: Ba'al told Jack about the weapon.

AUDIENCE: Um, yeah, but who told *him*?

WRITERS: Anubis, of course!

AUDIENCE: That wasn't shown, nor do we expect that Nuby would bother telling Ba'al before he started blowing shit up.

WRITERS: [pout] You're supposed to embrace such leaps in logic, or at least ignore it.

AUDIENCE: We don't mind making a few leaps, but sometimes y'all expect us to jump the freaking Grand Canyon.

[THEY DISCUSS HOW BA'AL'S PROBABLY BEEN BIDING HIS TIME TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO KILL ANUBIS, BUT NOW HE'S DESPERATE ENOUGH TO ASK FOR HELP BECAUSE THE ANCIENT WEAPON WOULD KILL HIM. ANUBIS DOESN'T CARE ABOUT SUCH MATTERS, SINCE HE DOESN'T HAVE A CORPOREAL FORM.]

JACOB: He'd have no one left to rule.

SAM: For now. Time may not even be an issue for someone like him. He could essentially start over; re-populate the galaxy to his own specifications.

AUDIENCE: Wow, we bet the writers would like a toy like that for the Stargate universe.

SNIT: Don't tempt them. They'd no doubt repopulate the entirety of the universe with Sam and Jack having superpowered babies.

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: Oooooh...

NOROMOS: No. Just. No.

[THEY DECIDE THEY CAN'T LET THE WEAPON GET INTO ANUBIS' OR BA'AL'S HANDS, MUCH LESS THE REPLICATORS, BUT THEY DON'T KNOW WHERE ON DAKARA THE WEAPON IS HIDDEN, EVEN IF THEY CAN GET THERE FIRST. JACK ORDERS SAM AND JACOB TO GO TO DAKARA AND BEGIN SEARCHING.]

END TEASER

OPENING CREDITS

INT. DAKARA TEMPLE

[TEAL'C LEADS SAM AND JACOB TO A WALL WITH ANCIENT WRITING, TELLING THEM THEY HAVE FOUND NO EVIDENCE OF A WEAPON.]

JACOB: This structure was definitely built by the Ancients.

TEAL'C: As evidenced by the script on this wall. Until I saw this monument with my own eyes, I did not know that Dakara was a home of the Ancients.

AUDIENCE: Until the moment Dakara was mentioned in the last episode, we'd never even *heard* of the place.

SAM: The Ancient repository of knowledge we found on P3X-439 was hidden in a large monument like this.

AUDIENCE: And if there is one, the writers have pretty much made it seem like only someone with the ATA gene can use it. We don't see Jack, so anyone else there have it?

WRITERS: You and your silly logic.

JACOB: Maybe this writing will help us uncover the location of the weapon.

TEAL'C: I was able to recognize the language. Deciphering it, however, is another matter.

SAM: I brought Daniel's notebooks.

AUDIENCE: Daniel's notebooks? Oh we're sure *that* will help tremendously. Much better than one of the other linguists at the SGC that we're pretty sure have been learning Ancient.

WRITERS: Silly. Logic.

SELMAK: This dialect looks very old. It may take some time.

AUDIENCE: Ya think?

INT. REBEL JAFFA MOTHERSHIP

ARON: We will be vastly outnumbered by Ba'al's forces.

TOLOK: I refuse to consider a strategy that demands the deliberate sacrifice of Jaffa lives.

ARON: What then do you advocate? Prayer perhaps?

ALIENS FANS: Harsh language? Nuke it from orbit?

BRA'TAC: Jaffa. We are here to consider the battle with our enemy.

TEAL'C: Not battle each other.

AUDIENCE: We don't know... we think you could do a pretty good fundraiser for the Jaffa Rebellion by starting up Jaffa RAW.

[TEAL'C TELLS BRA'TAC THAT BA'AL'S FORCES ARE APPROACHING, BUT MUCH SLOWER THAN NORMAL. IT DOES SEEM HE'S TRYING TO BUY THEM TIME.]

TOLOK: Why not just destroy it himself?

TEAL'C: Ba'al is in a difficult position. With so many witnesses, it is far easier to tell Anubis that the weapon was destroyed before he was able to reclaim Dakara.

ARON: How then will he explain his languid pace?

BRA'TAC: Regardless, he will only hesitate so long.

[TEAL'C ORDERS THEM TO SPLIT UP THEIR FORCES, SENDING THE GLIDERS TO THE FAR SIDE OF THE PLANET AND THE HA'TAK AND AL'KESH TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MOON.]

TEAL'C: All of the hardship, the suffering, the sacrifices we have made for our cause will end today, one way or another. This battle will decide the fate of all Jaffa.

AUDIENCE: We feel like we should shout "Amen!" or "Hallelujah!"

INT. TENT

[DANIEL AND REPLICARTER ARE NOT EXACTLY CHATTING OVER HIGH TEA.]

DANIEL: So now what? We done? You got what you wanted. Don't suppose you want to just drop me off at the nearest Stargate?

REPLICARTER: It is true, I learned the location of the weapon that could be a threat to me and my brethren, but I also saw the extent of knowledge your subconscious mind contains. You have no idea, do you?

DANIEL: No. No, I don't.

REPLICARTER: You've tried accessing it but it's always just out of reach, isn't it? I could help you. We could unlock the knowledge of the Ancients, the secrets of the universe, together.

DANIEL: I have to admit it does sound interesting.

REPLICARTER: [evil smile]

DANIEL: On the other hand, you're an evil killing machine, so no, pass.

[REPLICARTER'S SMILE FADES, AND DANIEL GRIMACES AS THOUGH IN PAIN. WE SEE A FLASHBACK OF HIS ATTEMPT TO DESTROY ANUBIS IN FULL CIRCLE.]

REPLICARTER: You had the power. You were about to strike but she stopped you.

DANIEL: No, I don't believe you. You can make me see whatever you want, that's just a trick.

REPLICARTER: You know it's true.

STAR WARS FANS: No, that's not true! That's not possible!

REPLICARTER: Destroying the weapon that can destroy me is one thing. A good thing for me, but there is more. There is a way to kill Anubis in your mind, and so much more. I am not done, Daniel Jackson. Far from it. In fact, we have only just begun.

DANIEL: [crap]

DANIEL FANS: [double crap]

INT. DAKARA TEMPLE

[THE ANCIENT WALL IS NOW COVERED WITH STICKY NOTES.]

AUDIENCE: The Ancient's are probably rolling their Ascended eyes over this.

[JACOB IS READING ONE OF DANIEL'S NOTEBOOKS WHILE SAM STANDS NEAR THE WALL.]

SAM: 'Midday, the darkness is high in the sky'? You sure about that?

SELMAK: That is what it says.

AUDIENCE: Poor Selmak, no one ever listens to you.

SAM: It doesn't make much sense.

SNIT: Neither does your crush on Jack, but whatever.

JACOB: Yeah, well neither does, 'the wind blows on the pillow' or 'three days to the chicken.' But that's what these phrases apparently translate into.

AUDIENCE: This is the Ancient's version of a practical joke, right?

ANCIENTS: Shhh! Don't tell them!

SAM: Are you saying this whole wall of writing is nonsense?

JACOB: I don't know what I'm saying.

SAM: Is it possible you made a mistake?

[HE HOLDS DANIEL'S BOOK OUT TO HER.]

SELMAK: Would you care to try?

SNIT: You tell her, Selmak!

SELMAK: The text is quite difficult, and if there is an organizing principle to Doctor Jackson's notes, I have yet to discover it.

DANIEL FANS: Hey!

SAM: Yeah, he certainly has his own system.

DANIEL FANS: [squinty look of doom at the Carters]

[TEAL'C RADIOS TO ASK IF THEY'VE HAD ANY SUCCESS IN THE TRANSLATION.]

SAM: We're making... some progress.

AUDIENCE: If you can call 'three days to the chicken' progress.

INT. REBEL JAFFA MOTHERSHIP

[TEAL'C, BRA'TAC AND ARON ARE AT THE CONTROLS.]

TEAL'C: I am afraid you do not have much more time. Our long-range scanners have detected Ba'al's fleet. They will be here within the hour.

INT. TENT

REPLICARTER: It would be much easier on both of us if you did not resist.

BDSMERS: Easier, but not *nearly* as much fun.

DANIEL: Why, why, why, why, in the wide world of all things rational and sane, would I help you?

REPLICARTER: Because deep down you also want the knowledge I seek.

DANIEL: Yes, but the problem is, anything I learn I won't be able to put to much use because right after I'm done, you're going to kill me.

REPLICARTER: What if I promised not to?

DANIEL: [laugh] Yeah.

REPLICARTER: Do you really think I am that different from Samantha Carter?

DANIEL: In that you're a Replicator, bent on galactic domination at the expense of all other living things...

SNIT: You have a spine and aren't pining after your commanding officer...

REPLICARTER: Her thoughts, her memories, even her emotions, they are not meaningless to me. I do not wish to harm you or destroy Earth, for that matter. I could have done that already if I so desired.

DANIEL: You're saying you'll leave Earth untouched?

REPLICARTER: I promise you that. And your life.

AUDIENCE: And a pony.

DANIEL: No. Nope, not going to help you. But obviously I can't do anything to stop you so... give it your best shot.

DANIEL FANS: Oooh, that's our boy!

INT. DAKARA TEMPLE

SAM: What if it's a code?

SELMAK: Something that could only be deciphered by someone who understands the language.

[SAM TAKES THE CLIPBOARD WITH DANIEL'S NOTES, BUT DOES NOT TURN IT RIGHT SIDE UP.]

SELMAK: You're holding it upside down.

CARTER: I know. I just noticed, upside down these symbols look like another word I've seen before.

SNIT: Wow, she's really good at seeing stuff that no one else can see!

S/J SHIPPERS: *We* see it!

SELMAK: Right side up, it's darkness. You turn it around and... it translates into sun.

SAM: 'Midday the sun is high in the sky.' That makes a lot more sense.

JACOB: Yeah, but so what? That's not what the wall says.

[SAM RETURNS TO THE WALL AND BEGINS TO TURN ONE OF THE INLAID CIRCLES CUT INTO THE WALL.]

SAM: Now it does.

JACOB: It can't be that simple. Just turn all five circles upside down?

AUDIENCE: [looks at the writers] Yeah, it's probably that simple.

SAM: No, I agree. It has to be some sort of combination lock. We just need to figure out which circles to turn.

INT. REBEL JAFFA MOTHERSHIP

[BA'AL APPEARS ON THE VIEWSCREEN.]

BA'AL: Your pathetic trickery will only delay your inevitable defeat.

TEAL'C: There is no trickery at hand. We know that inevitably your goal is to eradicate all free Jaffa. We have sent the bulk of our fleet to safety, to survive, to fight another day.

BA'AL: Surrender now or be destroyed.

TEAL'C: Defeat those who remain and you will be forced to destroy the weapon on Dakara yourself. Then you must face Anubis.

AUDIENCE: And you've been a very naughty boy.

BDSMERS: Yes you have!

[BA'AL'S IMAGE DISAPPEARS FROM THE SCREEN, BUT HIS FLEET APPEARS TO BE HOLDING POSITION, AT LEAST FOR THE MOMENT.]

INT. DAKARA TEMPLE

[SAM TURNS ANOTHER CIRCLE AND THE GROUND BEGINS TO SHAKE.]

SAM: Let's hope that's not a bad sign.

AUDIENCE: Earthquakes usually aren't a good thing.

CALIFORNIANS: Trust us on this one.

[SEVERAL JAFFA HAVE ENTERED THE TEMPLE, BUT SAM GESTURES FOR THEM TO STOP. THE WALL BEHIND HER RISES UP AND ANOTHER WALL BEHIND IT SPLITS OPEN TO REVEAL A ROOM.]

JACOB: Nice going, Sam.

SNIT: Oh, we'll never hear the end of this one, will we? It'll be National Treasure all over again.

[SAM AND JACOB ENTER THE ROOM, WHERE THEY FIND AN ANCIENT DEVICE WITH LARGE STONE PANELS SET INTO IT.]

CONTINUITY GEEKS: Hey, it's the device from Window of Opportunity!

S/J FANS: Oooh, does that mean we get to see another kiss?

SLASHERS: Yeah, the "missing scene" between Jack and Daniel would be nice.

CHEESEPARING F/X DEPARTMENT: We're being environmentally conscious by recycling our props.

AUDIENCE: Don't you mean all your budget is being spent on Atlantis now?

CHEESEPARING F/X DEPARTMENT: Same diff. You're just lucky we're not down to pie plates on string for spaceships.

SAM: We're in business.

INT. SGC CONTROL ROOM

[SAM IS REPORTING BACK TO JACK VIA RADIO THAT WHAT THEY'VE FOUND ON DAKARA IS OF ANCIENT DESIGN.]

JACK: Think our bomb will do the trick?

SAM: We'll soon see. Give us ten minutes. Carter out.

SNIT: If all else fails, just have Sam give the Ancient device the Doe Eyes of Death, and kaboom!

AUDIENCE: Are you crazy?! That might destroy the universe as we know it!

SNIT: We're willing to take the risk.

INT. DAKARA TEMPLE INNER ROOM

[SAM IS PREPPING THE BOMB, WHILE JACOB IS READING MORE ABOUT THE WEAPON ON A DISPLAY.]

CUSTOMER SUPPORT PERSONNEL: Oh wow, someone who's actually taking our advice and reading the fucking manual!

JACOB: If I'm reading this screen right, the weapon uses an energy wave to reduce all matter to its basic molecular elements. It's not strong enough to disintegrate an entire planet but it will wash away everything on a planet's surface and anything in the surrounding space.

SAM: Sounds bad.

SNIT: Not as bad as the Doe Eyes of Death and the Dinghy of Lurv.

AUDIENCE: Sounds like a punk rock band.

NOROMOS: [snicker]

[JACOB THINKS THE DEVICE WORKS IN THE SAME WAY AS THE REPLICATOR DISRUPTOR JACK MADE USING ANCIENT KNOWLEDGE -- BY SEPARATING INDIVIDUAL COMPONENTS. JACOB THINKS IT MIGHT BE POSSIBLE TO MODIFY IT TO ONLY WORK ON REPLICATORS, INSTEAD OF BLOWING IT UP.]

WRITERS: You know, we're really torn here. We really enjoy blowing shit up, but if we don't, we save lots of money on the f/x budget so we can spend more on Atlantis. [...] We know! We can just *tell* you we blew shit up!

AUDIENCE: [sigh]

INT. REBEL JAFFA MOTHERSHIP

[SAM HAS CONTACTED TEAL'C AND TELLS HIM ABOUT WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO TRY TO DO. SHE TELLS HIM TO LET THEM KNOW WHEN THINGS GET BAD AND THEY'LL JUST BLOW IT UP IF THEY CAN'T REPROGRAM IT.]

ARON: Ba'al's fleet just began moving into attack position.

BRA'TAC: It appears things are about to get... bad.

AUDIENCE: Thank you, Master Bra'tac of the Bloody Obvious.

INT. DAKARA TEMPLE INNER ROOM

[JACOB AND SAM ARE WORKING ON A LAPTOP.]

AUDIENCE: Seriously. We want the networking capability of that baby, not to mention the extended service warranty.

SAM: This may not be possible, you know.

JACOB: Come on, Sam. It can't be any harder than blowing up a sun!

SAM: You know, you blow up one sun and suddenly everyone expects you to walk on water.

SNIT: At this point, we'd be OK with you drowning.

[ANCIENT TEXT APPEARS ON THE LAPTOP SCREEN.]

JACOB: There you go.

SAM: Ah! Next step, parting the Red Sea.

SNIT: Ha. Ha. You slay us. Not.

INT. REBEL JAFFA MOTHERSHIP

[THE BATTLE IS RAGING, AND THE SHIELDS ARE DOWN TO FIFTY PERCENT.]

BRA'TAC: Signal the other Ha'tak. Begin retreating, sub-light engines only, full power.

INT. BA'AL'S SHIP

[BA'AL IS ON HIS THRONE, FLANKED BY SUPER SOLDIERS.]

BA'AL FANS: Damn, we'd take a clone of that.

WRITERS: Reeeeeeally? [scribbles notes]

[HIS JAFFA REPORT THAT THE REBELS ARE FLEEING, SO THE PLANET IS THEIRS FOR THE TAKING.]

BA'AL: They expect us to follow, so that they may draw the fleet into battle on two fronts.

JAFFA: [WTF?]

BA'AL: Signal the fleet to pursue the Shol'va.

JAFFA: My Lord?

BA'AL: Dakara can wait. No battle strategy can save them now. We will crush them, and then take the temple.

JAFFA: Yes, my Lord.

INT. DAKARA TEMPLE INNER ROOM

[THE CARTERS ARE STUDYING WHAT THEY THINK IS THE FREQUENCY OF THE WAVE THE WEAPON USES TO DISINTEGRATE MATTER.]

AUDIENCE: Does it bother anyone that the Ancients had a device that could completely wipe out everything in the Universe?

WRITERS: Nope. We usually just ignore such things or retcon it out of existence whenever it's convenient.

AUDIENCE: We've noticed. A lot.

[THE CARTERS ATTEMPT TO ADJUST THE OUTPUT TO DESTROY THE REPLICATORS BY ADJUSTING THE HEIGHT OF THE PANELS IN THE DEVICE.]

SAM: You know, even if we can make this work, the Replicators were quickly able to adapt themselves to the frequency modulation Thor made to the original disruptor wave.

JACOB: What are you saying?

SAM: We realized the only way to eliminate the Replicators and not allow them time to develop immunity, was to somehow hit them all at the same time.

JACOB: Everywhere in the galaxy? How are we supposed to do that?

SAM: The weapon translates through the Stargate. Do you think Anubis was planning to use the weapon to attack one planet at a time?

AUDIENCE: We're thinking it would be awfully hard to pack in his overnight bag, but we just figured the Ancients would have made it powerful enough to do the job. You know, with a great big button that says "Reset Universe" on it.

TREKKERS: Hey... we wondered where that got off to.

WRITERS: It's not as if *your* guys need it anymore.

AUDIENCE: meOW, Miss Kitty!

JACOB: So dial multiple gates, simultaneously.

SAM: Not multiple gates. All of them.

JACOB: Every Stargate in the galaxy, at one time? Do you know how many gates there are in the whole galaxy?

SAM: A lot.

AUDIENCE: Apparently the writers think they've hit the maximum number possible, since we don't get to visit any new planets now.

SELMAK: I have no idea how to alter a Stargate to perform such a function. I don't know of anyone who can.

SAM: I think I know someone.

INT. REBEL JAFFA MOTHERSHIP

TEAL'C: Are you certain, Colonel Carter?

SAM: (over radio) I don't think we have a choice, Teal'c. I mean, this could be the best chance we'll ever get.

TEAL'C: Understood. Opening a channel.

[BA'AL APPEARS ON THE VIEWSCREEN.]

BA'AL: No doubt you have decided to surrender. A wise decision given that you face imminent defeat.

TEAL'C: We have no intention of surrendering. I merely wish to inform you that we have found the Ancient weapon on Dakara.

BA'AL: Do you intend to destroy it?

TEAL'C: That would be foolish. We have learned that the Ancient weapon may be the means to destroy the Replicators once and for all.

NOROMOS: Is it powerful enough to destroy ship? We were starting to think there wasn't anything that powerful in the entire 'verse.

INT. TENT

[REPLICARTER IS BROWSING THROUGH DANIEL'S MIND.]

REPLICARTER: It's incredible, yet you still resist me. Do you not care? Are you not amazed by what you are seeing?

SLASHERS: You get the porn channel on there?

DANIEL: I don't understand it. It's more than any human can begin to comprehend.

REPLICARTER: I am not human.

DANIEL: Oh, believe me, I know. There must be a limit to how much your mind can process, how much information you can store.

REPLICARTER: I am sharing what I learn with my brethren. The extent of knowledge we can absorb is only limited by our numbers. As we speak, those numbers are growing faster than you can imagine.

AUDIENCE: Instead of trying to figure out this Ancient weapon, why not check into super-size cans of bug killer?

INT. DAKARA TEMPLE INNER ROOM

[BA'AL'S HOLOGRAM APPEARS IN THE ROOM.]

BA'AL: This chamber must be well shielded. I could not find it using my ship's sensors.

AUDIENCE: If it's well shielded, then how is the hologram getting through?

WRITERS: Um. They gave him the coordinates to get there.

AUDIENCE: Not what we asked. If the chamber is shielded, how can the energy for the hologram get through?

WRITERS: [annoyed] Pixie dust and farts. How the hell should we know?

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO'VE BEEN TO CONVENTIONS: Farts, eh? Unlimited power source on the Stargate set.

SAM: Look, I assume Teal'c told you the plan?

BA'AL: What makes you think you can modify this weapon to defeat Replicators?

SAM: We're already on our way to doing that.

[SHE TURNS THE LAPTOP TOWARDS THE HOLOGRAM, SHOWING HIM THE ANALYSIS GRAPHS.]

SAM: We need to get this weapon's wave output to match our modified Replicator disruptor wave, to within a margin of point seven six percent.

BA'AL: How did you develop this Replicator disruptor technology in the first place?

SAM: General O'Neill built it, using Ancient knowledge and an Asgard computer.

BA'AL: O'Neill. The mere thought of that makes me sick.

DARK SLASHERS: We're sure he misses you too.

SAM: Look, if we can do this and somehow hit the Replicators all at the same time, we think it will work. But we need your help.

BA'AL: You want me to reprogram the Stargate to dial every gate in the galaxy simultaneously?

SAM: I know you used the gate's automatic update program to disseminate a dialing program virus to the entire gate network.

BA'AL: With a virus you initially planted in my Stargate.

SAM: No one's trying to deny that we're mortal enemies here. Can you do it or not?

BA'AL: [smirk] I cannot believe I'm even considering cooperating with a female of the Tau'ri, and a Tok'ra.

SELMAK: This was not my idea, believe me.

BA'AL: I'll instruct my troops to land.

SAM: No way. You send one Jaffa down here and the deal's off.

BA'AL: I cannot do what you ask by means of a hologram transmission.

SAM: Sure you can. Just tell me what to do.

SNIT: You'd actually listen to someone telling you what to do, instead of forging on to prove how great and wonderful you are? [faint]

DARK SHIPPERS: You know, we're intrigued.

NOROMOS: [argh]

AUDIENCE: And we're glad this is sci fi, because the idea of opening up a wormhole to every gate in existence is so not right.

INT. SGC CONTROL ROOM

[THERE'S AN UNSCHEDULED OFFWORLD ACTIVATION, AND CHEVRON GUY TELLS JACK THERE'S NO GDO SIGNAL, BUT THERE IS A RADIO SIGNAL. THEY TUNE IN, BUT ONLY HEAR INTERFERENCE. THE MONITORS START FLASHING THROUGH IMAGES. CHEVRON GUY SAYS HE CAN'T ACCESS THE SYSTEM, HE'S LOCKED OUT. REPLICATORS BEGIN SWARMING THE GATEROOM.]

JACK: (into comms system) Evacuate the gateroom. Get out of there!

AUDIENCE: There's not enough Raid in the galaxy for that bug problem.

JACK: (into PA system) Initiate base lockdown. Emergency evacuation of all personnel through alternate routes. Self-destruct protocol, on my order.

[JACK ORDERS CHEVRON GUY TO LEAVE.]

SGC CORRIDOR

[REYNOLDS REPORTS TO JACK, SAYING THE REPLICATORS WERE TOO FAST AND THEY'RE CUT OFF FROM THE SELF-DESTRUCT.]

JACK: Those bugs cannot get out of this mountain.

AUDIENCE: Well, they *can*. It would just be very, very ungood.

[JACK DECIDES TO EVAC THE ENTIRE FACILITY AND TOSS A NUKE DOWN THE SILO. IT MIGHT NOT STOP THEM, BUT IT WILL AT LEAST SLOW THEM DOWN.]

INT. TENT

[REPLICARTER IS STILL BROWSING THROUGH DANIEL'S MENTAL LIBRARY, BUT IS APPARENTLY HAVING SOME PROBLEMS PROCESSING THE INFORMATION.]

DANIEL: Like the universe, it's infinite. It's not just knowledge and information, it's understanding on a level that you will never reach.

REPLICARTER: Why do you think that?

DANIEL: Because you're a machine.

REPLICARTER: So are you. Just of weaker construction.

DANIEL FANS: Famous last words, chica.

DANIEL: And that's where you're wrong.

REPLICARTER: [smirk] We'll see.

DANIEL: [smirk]

AUDIENCE: What is this? A smirk off?

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[JACK AND SEVERAL OTHERS ARE MAKING THEIR WAY THROUGH THE CORRIDORS, WEAPONS AT THE READY.]

CHEVRON GUY: (over radio) General Hammond says the President has authorized deployment of a ten-kiloton nuclear bomb on your command, Sir. An emergency state of alert has been issued in a two hundred square mile radius around Cheyenne Mountain, and is currently being evacuated. A transport helicopter is waiting on the surface for you and the remaining personnel.

AUDIENCE: Um. A two hundred square mile radius around Cheyenne Mountain is the entire freaking state of Colorado, and then some. That's over four and a half million people, who have to be able to travel hundreds of miles on a moment's notice, and that's even if you can convince them to go. We'd *love* to hear that cover story.

WRITERS: Um. How about something about swamp gas reflecting the light from Venus?

REYNOLDS: We have a problem, Sir. Six SGC personnel are trapped in Level 8. They're cut off from the emergency escape hatch.

JACK: Siler?

REYNOLDS: Siler.

JACK: Oh, Siler. Let's go.

INT. TENT

[REPLICARTER IS STILL SIFTING FOR INFO FROM DANIEL'S MIND. HER EYES OPEN IN CONFUSION AND/OR SHOCK.]

DANIEL: You lied to me.

REPLICARTER: What?

DANIEL: You promised you'd leave Earth alone. There's Replicators infiltrating the SGC right now.

REPLICARTER: How can you know that?

DANIEL: [stare down]

REPLICARTER: While I was in your mind, you were inside mine.

DANIEL: Took a while to figure out. Fortunately, you were too distracted to notice. Some of the Ancient knowledge really helped too, thank you.

REPLICARTER: You tricked me.

DANIEL: You tricked me first.

DANIEL FANS: Hee!

REPLICARTER: You should never have told me.

DANIEL: Too late. For you that is.

[SHE MOVES TO STRIKE HIM, BUT HE GRABS HER WRIST.]

DANIEL: Trying to leave? Sorry. A little more time in Danny's world.

DANIEL FANS: [squee, swoon, thud]

REST OF THE AUDIENCE: Clean up!

PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER THE SHOW: Oh geeze, not again. Can't we wait and just hose everything down after the show's over?

REPLICARTER: My brethren will not stop. You cannot control them.

DANIEL: Not yet, but I'm learning.

DANIEL FANS: Learning never looked so hot. We'd *so* like to get an education.

BDSMERS: We volunteer to punish anyone not paying attention to their lessons. [whip crack]

DANIEL FANS: [backs away slowly]

INT. DAKARA TEMPLE INNER ROOM

[JACOB'S STILL WORKING ON ADJUSTING THE FREQUENCY, WHILE SAM HAS RIGGED THE GATE TO AUTOMATICALLY DIAL WHEN THEY SIGNAL THE WEAPON'S READY. BA'AL'S STILL HANGING AROUND IN HOLOGRAM FORM, APPARENTLY TO BUG THE CRAP OUT OF JACOB/SELMAK.]

BA'AL: [points to a panel] This one.

JACOB: How do you know?

BA'AL: [smirk] I am a god. Gods are all knowing.

SAM: [rolls eyes]

JACOB: (quietly, to Carter) Selmak can't work like this. Neither can I.

SAM: Just try it.

[JACOB PUSHING THE PANEL, AND THE DIFFERENTIAL GOES LOWER.]

JACOB: Lucky guess.

BA'AL: [smirk]

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[JACK AND REYNOLDS HAVE ARRIVED AT THE BLAST DOOR WHERE SILER AND OTHERS ARE TRAPPED. JACK TELLS SILER TO GET AWAY FROM THE BLAST DOOR. SILER AND THE OTHERS TURN A TABLE OVER TO ACT AS A SHIELD WHILE REYNOLDS PLACES A BLOCK OF EXPLOSIVES ON THE DOOR.]

JACK: Use two of those things.

REYNOLDS: Sir?

JACK: It's a *blast* door!

DOOR: [boom]

[SILER PEERS OVER THE TABLE TO SEE A CHUNK OF BLAST DOOR EMBEDDED IN IT.]

SILER: Whoa.

AUDIENCE: Like, dude, totally.

[SILER AND THE REST CLIMB OUT THROUGH THE BLOWN DOORWAY.]

JACK: I expect to be put in your will.

SILER: Already in it, Sir.

JACK: Okay, that's... weird.

SLASHERS: Well, not really.

[THEY MAKE THEIR WAY DOWN THE CORRIDOR, BUT THEY ARE SOON CONFRONTED WITH A SWARM OF REPLICATORS.]

JACK: Oh, crap.

AUDIENCE: Pretty much sums it up.

[JACK AND COMPANY OPEN FIRE.]

INT. REBEL JAFFA MOTHERSHIP

ARON: Sensors are picking up multiple ships, exiting hyperspace.

[SHIT COMMENCES BLOWING UP.]

TEAL'C: It is the Replicators.

INT. DAKARA TEMPLE INNER ROOM

[BA'AL DIRECTS JACOB TO PUSH ANOTHER PANEL, BUT THE NUMBER RISES.]

JACOB: All knowing, huh?

[THE HOLOGRAM FLICKERS, AND BA'AL LOOKS AWAY.]

SAM: What's the matter?

BA'AL: My ships are under attack. A massive Replicator controlled fleet is encroaching on the planet.

DARK SLASHERS: A likely story. He just didn't like looking bad in front of his potential boyfriend.

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[JACK AND THE REST ARE SHOOTING UP THE PLACE.]

SGC CORRIDOR: Hey! I just got a new paint job. And those damn Replicators better have washed their little metal feet or there'll be hell to pay.

[THE GROUP IS RUNNING LOW ON AMMO, SO JACK ORDERS THEM TO FALL BACK.]

INT. REBEL JAFFA MOTHERSHIP

[SHIT CONTINUES TO BE BLOWN UP.]

TEAL'C: Instruct all of our vessels to target the Replicator ships.

ARON: Are we not better off letting them destroy each other?

TEAL'C: If the Replicators should prevail and gain control of the weapon on Dakara, all that we have fought for is lost.

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

CHEVRON GUY: (over radio) General. Fifteen minutes to safe detonation conditions.

AUDIENCE: Oh, so the entire state of Colorado is now empty?

JACK: (into radio) Yeah, you know Walter, right now we're having a slightly difficult time getting out of here. Relay this to General Hammond. The second he can pull the trigger on that nuke, do it. Do you read?

CHEVRON GUY: (over radio) Yes, Sir.

JACK: (into radio) And have that chopper that's waiting for us leave now.

CHEVRON GUY: (over radio) Yes, Sir.

[JACK AND REYNOLDS SEE REPLICATORS GOING INTO A HATCH, APPARENTLY HEADING TO THE SURFACE, BUT THAT LEAVES THE ONLY OTHER WAY OUT OF THE BASE ACCESSIBLE.]

INT. DAKARA TEMPLE INNER ROOM

[BA'AL IS STILL POINTING OUT PANELS FOR JACOB TO PUSH.]

DARK SLASHERS: We're pretty sure this is a prelude to another kind of pushing.

SELMAK: Shut UP. Shut UP. Shut UP.

[THE ADJUSTMENTS ARE ALMOST COMPLETE, BUT BA'AL'S SHIP HAS LOST LIFE SUPPORT ON SEVERAL LEVELS AND HE CAN'T MAINTAIN THE TRANSMISSION.]

BA'AL: Good luck.

[THE HOLOGRAM IMAGE DISAPPEARS.]

JACOB: That was just creepy.

DARK SLASHERS: It's love!

BDSMERS: Or at least potential for a good time!

SELMAK: Shut UP. Shut UP. Shut UP. And pass the bleach. And a scrub brush.

BA'AL FANS: We're kinda worried about this battle. Did Sam ever get a chance to go all Doe Eyes of Death at our boy?

INT. SGC CONTROL ROOM

[JACK AND THE OTHERS MAKE THEIR WAY INTO THE CONTROL ROOM, SHOOTING REPLICATORS ALONG THE WAY. SILER'S TRYING TO DIAL OUT, WITH TEN MINUTES LEFT UNTIL THE NUKE BLOWS SHIT UP UNTIL IT GLOWS IN THE DARK.]

INT. REBEL JAFFA MOTHERSHIP

ARON: Shields down. Weapon systems offline.

TEAL'C: Reroute power to sub-light engines. Evasive maneuvers.

AUDIENCE: Translation: Run like scared bunnies.

ARON: They're too fast. We cannot evade them.

INT. DAKARA TEMPLE INNER ROOM

[A REPLICATOR SHIP LANDS NEAR THE TEMPLE, WHILE JACOB HAS GOTTEN THE DIFFERENTIAL DOWN TO 0.98. THE JAFFA IN THE TEMPLE AREA RUSH OUT TO FIGHT AFTER HEARING GUNFIRE.]

JACOB: I've almost got it, just a little more time.

SAM: I don't think we have it.

[SHE MOVES CLOSER TO THE DOORWAY, WEAPON AT THE READY, WHEN REPLICATORS RUSH IN.]

INT. SGC CONTROL ROOM

[SILERS'S STILL NOT HAVING ANY LUCK DIALING THE GATE.]

AUDIENCE: It's because you left the wrench behind. Karma's a bitch.

SGC GATE: And you've all been paying way too much attention to that floozy over in the Pegasus Galaxy.

ATLANTIS GATE: Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

SGC GATE: That's *not* why I hate you, bitch.

INT. TENT

[DANIEL IS GRIPPING REPLICARTER'S WRIST TIGHTLY. HE OPENS HIS EYES AND LOOKS TRIUMPHANTLY AT HER, AS SHE OPENS HER EYES IN SURPRISE.]

DANIEL: Got you now!

DANIEL FANS: [thud] We think maybe we'll stay on the floor for a bit. It might be easier if there's much more Forceful!Daniel.

BDSMERS: Oh dear. If they're both doms, this might be a problem. Unless Danny's topping from the bottom.

INT. SGC CORRIDORS

[THE REPLICATORS SUDDENLY STOP.]

REYNOLDS: Huh.

JACK: That's odd.

[THEY BOTH TURN AND OPEN FIRE AGAIN.]

INT. REBEL JAFFA MOTHERSHIP

ARON: The Replicator ship just... stopped. Sensors are indicating that all of the Replicator ships have... ceased... activity.

TEAL'C: [puzzled] (into comms system) Colonel Carter. Have you successfully activated the weapon?

INT. DAKARA TEMPLE

SAM: (into radio) Not yet, but the Replicators down here just froze. (to Jacob) Dad?

JACOB: Almost there!

INT. TENT

[DANIEL IS STRUGGLING TO KEEP THE REPLICATORS FROZEN AND REPLICARTER SMILES AT HIM GRIMLY.]

REPLICARTER: There are so many, aren't there? Too many for your mind to handle. It's taking all of your concentration just to control them.

[REPLICARTER PULLS HER WRIST FROM DANIEL'S HOLD. THE TENT SUDDENLY CHANGES TO THE INSIDE OF THE REPLICATOR SHIP. DANIEL IS RESTRAINED IN REPLICATOR BLOCKS.]

DANIEL FANS: We've had dreams like this.

BDSMERS: So have we. A lot.

[THE BLOCKS RELEASE HIM, AS REPLICARTER'S ARM MORPHS INTO THE KNIFE-THING SHE USED TO KILL YU.]

YU FANS: Yu's not dead, dammit!

OSHU FANS: And if Oshu has so much as a scratch, there'll be hell to pay. After his wounds are tended to... maybe a nice hot bath... some scented oils... and, um, hey, where were we?

AUDIENCE: The gutter.

OSHU FANS: We've bought condos there!

[REPLICARTER STABS DANIEL, WITH THE BLADE GOING THROUGH HIS BODY.]

DANIEL FANS: You killed Daniel!

SOUTHPARK FANS: You bastard!

AUDIENCE: Again?! OK, who wins the betting pool this time?

DANIEL FANS: Wait, wait, waitaminute man. Daniel can't be dead. Oma gave him an extended warranty when she sent him back. Naked. We (heart) Oma. She has good taste.

INT. SGC CORRIDORS

[THE REPLICATORS BEGIN TO MOVE AGAIN.]

JACK: Well, that was too good to last.

INT. DAKARA TEMPLE

[THE REPLICATORS BEGIN TO MOVE AGAIN.]

SAM: Dad, they're on the move again!

JACOB: Point 76!

SAM: Do it!

[JACOB ACTIVATES THE WEAPON AND THE BUILDING STARTS TO SHAKE.]

EXT. DAKARA

[THE TOP OF THE TEMPLE BEGINS TO SPLIT OPEN AND STARGATES ARE ACTIVATED. WE SEE MULTIPLE VIEWS OF VARIOUS GATES ON OTHER WORLDS BEING OPENED, THANKS TO RECYCLED FOOTAGE.]

AUDIENCE: Oh dear... do the writers have *any* idea what this looks like?

WRITERS: What? It's a giant tower with the top rolling down and then firing into the round gate and through the wormhole. What's wrong with that?

AUDIENCE: [titter] Wait for it.

WRITERS: Hm. Oh. [...] Ooooooooooooooh.

AUDIENCE: Yes, that's right, you've written a galaxy wide gangbang.

SMUT FANS: One of us, one of us!

FREUD: Sometimes, a big honkin' space gun is just...oh, never mind.

JACK FANS: So we're getting cosmic ejaculation instead of Cosmic Giddiness (tm)?

SMUT FANS: We're perfectly fine with it!

AUDIENCE: We bet the f/x guys are glad they didn't have to matte paint a condom on the tower. But still, unsafe gating is just wrong.

SMUT FANS: So... does this make Ba'al a gate pimp?

BA'AL FANS: [picturing Ba'al in a pimp suit and giggling hysterically]

INT. SGC CONTROL ROOM

[SILER LOOKS UP AS THE STARGATE OPENS.]

SILER: Incoming wormhole?

INT. REPLICATOR SHIP

[DANIEL HAS COLLAPSED ONTO THE FLOOR. REPLICATOR CARTER LOOKS ON AS BLOOD TRICKLES FROM HIS MOUTH.]

DANIEL FANS: Death is too good for you, bitch. But we're going to kill you anyway. Slowly. Painfully. Twice, if we can manage it.

MEANWHILE, IN THE REST OF THE UNIVERSE...

[THE JAFFA SHIPS ARE STILL UNDER ATTACK. SAM'S STILL FIRING ON REPLICATORS IN THE TEMPLE. JACK'S STILL FIRING ON REPLICATORS IN THE SGC. THE DANIEL FANS ARE PLOTTING TO TAKE REPLICARTER APART, BLOCK BY BLOCK, WITH THEIR BARE HANDS.]

INT. REPLICATOR SHIP

[DANIEL LIES ON THE FLOOR, HIS EYES SLOWLY CLOSING AS HE DIES.]

DANIEL FANS: You *shall* be avenged. What's the address to Bridge Studios again?

BRIDGE MAILROOM: Oh god, no, not that!

BRIDGE SWITCHBOARD: We're *so* changing our number.

[THE ANCIENT WEAPON FINALLY COMES... ERRRR... FIRES, AND ALL THE REPLICATORS ON THE PLANET ARE DESTROYED. THE WAVE GOES OUT INTO SPACE AND THROUGH THE GATE, DESTROYING THE REPLICATORS ATTACKING THE JAFFA AND THE SGC. REPLICARTER AND HER SHIP ARE DESTROYED.]

NOROMOS: Any chance it got the *other* ship?

DANIEL FANS: Dammit! We had plans to drag out her death! And now it looks like they're leaving his corpse to float around in space like a Popsicle. Dis. Re. Spect.

INT. DAKARA TEMPLE INNER ROOM

[SAM AND THE JAFFA LOWER THEIR WEAPONS, AND SHE TURNS TOWARDS JACOB, WHO'S SLUMPED AGAINST THE ALIEN DEVICE.]

SAM: What happened?

JACOB: I don't know.

SAM: You did it.

JACOB: Well, Selmak deserves a little credit. Okay, most of it.

SELMAK FANS: Damn straight.

INT. BA'AL'S SHIP

[THE JAFFA TELL BA'AL THE REPLICATOR SHIPS ARE DORMANT, SO HE ORDERS THEM TO BE BOARDED AND RECLAIMED IN THE NAME OF THEIR GOD, BUT BEFORE THEY CAN DO ANYTHING, THEY'RE HAILED BY TEAL'C.]

TEAL'C: Surrender now and you will be granted mercy.

BA'AL: [smirk] You are hardly in any position to be making such ridiculous demands. You are surrounded.

TEAL'C: You are incorrect. It is, in fact, you that is surrounded, by free Jaffa.

[SHOTS ARE FIRED, KILLING THE KULL WARRIORS. BRA'TAC AND OTHER JAFFA ENTER, AND SURROUND BA'AL, WHILE TEAL'C WATCHES FROM THE VIEWSCREEN.]

BRA'TAC: Behold your false god.

[BA'AL LAUGHS AN EVIL LAUGH AND ACTIVATES A DEVICE THAT BEAMS HIM OFF THE SHIP. A SHOCKED BRA'TAC LOOKS AT TEAL'C ON THE VIEWSCREEN, WHO RAISES AN EYEBROW.]

AUDIENCE: Has Bra'tac never read the Evil Overlord list? #6 says "I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them." One would think it applies to the good guys too.

BA'AL FANS: We're pretty sure Ba'al has read the list. Probably wrote it.

INT. SGC CORRIDORS

[JACK AND SAM WALK UP THE STAIRS TO HIS OFFICE.]

JACK/SAM SHIPPERS: *We* know what happens behind closed doors.

DANIEL FANS: A thorough ass chewing for losing Daniel?

JACK: Any more word from Teal'c?

SAM: Yes, Sir. Although Ba'al got away, the fact that he turned tail and ran made the rebel victory every bit the turning point Teal'c and Bra'tac were hoping for. Jaffa from all over the galaxy are joining with them.

JACK: Well, viva la revolution!

SAM: They've got a significant sized fleet securing Dakara. Hopefully, with the weapons we've provided they'll be able to turn the tide against Anubis' super soldiers.

[THEY ENTER JACK'S OFFICE.]

SAM: It looks like the Jaffa might finally win their freedom.

JACK: It's about time.

AUDIENCE: Hallelujah!

SAM: Yes, Sir. Oh! I heard from Thor.

JACK: How's he doing?

JACK/THOR SLASHERS, ER SHIPPERS, WHATEVER: He loves you and misses you terribly.

SAM: Great! He sends us all his congratulations and says that he will drop by for a visit as soon as his consciousness has been downloaded from the ship's computer into a new body.

JACK: That just never gets old, does it?

SAM: Apparently not.

JACK/THOR SLASHERS, ER SHIPPERS, WHATEVER: Thor has to keep trading in for a new body to keep up with Jack.

JACK: Carter, did you notice if the Replicators where you were happened to... stop in the middle of everything?

SAM: Yeah, it was really strange, they just...

JACK AND SAM: Froze.

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: They're finishing each other's sentences! How romantic!

NOROMOS: [gag]

SAM: It actually bought us the time we needed to calibrate the weapon.

JACK: Any idea why that happened?

SAM: You think Daniel had something to do with it?

JACK: I don't know.

SAM: Sir, if he was onboard that Replicator ship, then...

JACK: Carter! We don't know anything.

SAM: No, Sir.

DANIEL FANS: She sure seems eager to push the idea of Daniel being dead, doesn't she?

JACK: Anything else?

SAM: No, Sir.

SNIT: What, no profession of lurv? You seem to be really good at trying to bring it up at inappropriate moments. This would be about as inappropriate as you could get.

[JACK BEGINS DOING PAPERWORK. SAM LEAVES. JACK STOPS HIS WORK AND LOOKS UP, APPARENTLY PONDERING DANIEL'S FATE.]

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: [sigh]

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: No, he's thinking about how he should have shagged Sam on his desk.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Ew. Pass the bleach!

NEXT WEEK, THREADS, IN WHICH SOME CHARACTERS AND THE PLOT UNRAVEL.

SNIT: We've heard rumors. We're providing complimentary sick buckets to anyone that needs them.

PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER THE SHOW: Thanks bunches. Now who's going to bring the earplugs for when the shippers go ballistic.