9.03 Origin: The Breadbox Edition

TEASER

PREVIOUSLY ON STARGATE SG-1

Vala's back, and temps as a crispy critter at the Ori barbeque and church social. Ori bad. Priors boring.

EXT. PLAINS OF CELESTIS

[THE PRIOR, DANIEL AND VALA APPEAR VIA RINGS, AND APPEAR TO BE WALKING ON WATER.]

AUDIENCE: Is this scene going to appear in an update to the Ori Bible?

[DANIEL ASKS WHERE THEY ARE, AND THE PRIOR TELLS THEM THE PLAINS OF CELESTIS, AND THE CITY IN THE DISTANCE IS THE CITY OF THE GODS. HE BEGINS WALKING IN THAT DIRECTION, AND DANIEL AND VALA FOLLOW.]

DANIEL: Maybe you could tell me who you are.

PRIOR: I am a Prior of the Ori.

DANIEL: And what is that?

AUDIENCE: Really boring?

PRIOR: In time, all in due time.

AUDIENCE: See? Boring.

INT. CITY OF THE GODS, CELESTIS

[THE PRIOR LEADS THEM DOWN A CORRIDOR TO A ROOM FURNISHED WITH A LARGE DINING ROOM TABLE AND CHAIRS. ONCE DANIEL AND VALA ENTER THE ROOM, THE PRIOR LEAVES, LOCKING THEM INSIDE.]

DANIEL: Uh, I guess we'll just wait here? Is that what we're going to do?

VALA: [sigh]

EXT. P3X-421

[VILLAGERS IN DESERT ROBES ARE GOING ABOUT THEIR BUSINESS WHEN ANOTHER PRIOR STEPS THROUGH THEIR GATE, CARRYING A BOOK.]

PRIOR: Hallowed are the Ori.

AUDIENCE: So... they're like Jehovah's Witnesses?

END TEASER

OPENING CREDITS

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[MITCHELL, LAM, TEAL'C AND LANDRY DISCUSS DANIEL AND VALA'S SITUATION.]

LAM: Both Daniel and Vala's vitals have been stable for two hours now.

LANDRY: What about disconnecting them from the device?

LAM: Dr. Lee has been unable to remove the stones.

MITCHELL: We haven't tried C-4 yet, sir.

AUDIENCE: So, he's a shit blowing up fan, eh? He'll get along well with the writers then.

WRITERS: We screen for that, now. It's a job requirement these days.

FARSCAPE FANS: Can we look forward to an episode titled something like "We're So Screwed, Part 3: La Bomba"?

WRITERS: No.

FARSCAPE FANS: How about "Eat Me"?

WRITERS: No!

AUDIENCE: No!

SHIPPERS, SLASHERS AND SMUTTERS: Oooh, we like.

FARSCAPE FANS: You're welcome!

[LAM DOESN'T LIKE THAT IDEA, AND SAYS DR. LEE IS TRYING TO DISABLE THE POWER SOURCE. LANDRY SAYS IF EITHER OF THEM RUN INTO TROUBLE AGAIN, HE'S ORDERING THEM TO DO WHATEVER'S NECESSARY TO SHUT DOWN THE DEVICE. HE THEN ASKS FOR TEAL'C TO JOIN HIM IN HIS OFFICE.]

LANDRY/TEAL'C SLASHERS: OMGWTFBBQ? Do we actually have a chance in hell here?

REST OF THE SLASHERS: No more than the rest of us. [points to writers] Remember?

LANDRY/TEAL'C SLASHERS: We'll always have slash.

REST OF THE SLASHERS: Word.

WRITERS: This is science fiction, not a horror flick. There will be no slashing here.

INT. LANDRY'S OFFICE

[LANDRY ASKS TEAL'C FOR INFO ABOUT GERAK. THE SUMMARY IS HE'S A BAD MOTHERFUCKER, WHO APPARENTLY CLIMBED THE JAFFA CORPORATE LADDER ON THE BODIES OF HIS ENEMIES. HE'S EMERGED AS A PROPONENT OF MORE TRADITIONAL WAYS, AND HAS A VERY GOOD CHANCE OF LEADING THE COUNCIL.]

AUDIENCE: So he's the creator of the Jaffa equivalent of the American Family Association? We'd like to see those two groups in a cage match.

[LANDRY SAYS HE SHOULD MEET WITH GERAK, AND TEAL'C SAYS HE WILL EXTEND AN INVITATION.]

AUDIENCE: For high tea?

INT. DINING ROOM, CITY OF THE GODS

[DANIEL IS READING THE BOOK AT THE END OF THE TABLE, WHILE VALA IS LYING ON THE TABLE, OBVIOUSLY BORED.]

AUDIENCE: We can sympathize with Vala on the bored by religion thing. If we wanted a sermon, we'd go to a "fire and brimstone" church.

VALA: All right, Daniel, what does it say?

DANIEL: Well, it seems to follow suit with many of the religions I've studied. They tend to weave their doctrines into simple fable-like narratives with characters that are meant to be identifiable to a common individual.

VALA: Well, why don't you read one to me? I love a good yarn.

DANIEL: Well, they all seem to teach meditation on one's worth and significance, the path of righteousness towards a state of higher being.

AUDIENCE: Sounds rather familiar, doesn't it?

[VALA TAKES A BITE OF AN APPLE FROM THE FRUIT BOWL, THEN OFFERS IT TO DANIEL, WHO LOOKS SLIGHTLY ALARMED.]

AUDIENCE: Sorry, but Vala just doesn't quite work as Eve.

DANIEL: The central icon of the religion seems to be fire.

VALA: I don't need a book to tell me that.

DANIEL: That would make sense. Fire is light, energy, warmth... and yet, on Earth, at some point, fire became associated with demonic imagery. Things that are evil. Hell, not heaven.

VALA: (still eating) And?

NOT QUITE VALA FANS: It's not polite to talk with your mouth full.

VALA FANS: Yeah, but she makes it look *good.*

DANIEL: I was just wondering if the Ancients had something to do with that.

AUDIENCE: It has *nothing* to do with the fact that fire burns and destroys. Nada. It's *all* about the Ancients.

VALA: Tell you what, why don't you flip to the end, and see how it all turns out, hmm?

[SHE TURNS THE BOOK SO THE LAST PAGE IS SHOWING, AND DANIEL GLARES AT HER IN IRRITATION. THEY HEAR A NOISE, AND THE DOOR OPENS. THE FIRST PRIOR HAS RETURNED.]

PRIOR: The village of Ver Ager has been corrupted.

VALA: (mouth full of apple) We didn't do it. I promise.

NOT QUITE VALA FANS: *facepalm*

[DANIEL TRIES TO EXPLAIN ABOUT BEING CONNECTED TO HARRID AND SALLIS THROUGH AN ALTERAN DEVICE, BUT THE PRIOR DOESN'T REACT.]

DANIEL: (stuttering) L-look the point is, we meant no harm. Um, we're explorers.

PRIOR: You know of others in Ver Ager?

DANIEL: Others?

LOST FANS: Wow, the Others have a long reach... unless... the island is in the same galaxy as Ver Ager!

AUDIENCE: Um, no.

LOST FANS: Dammit! We want answers, like right now!

PRIOR: Unbelievers.

LOST FANS: Are not!

AUDIENCE: He wasn't talking to you!

VALA: Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want us to tell on people who don't believe in the Ori?

PRIOR: Devotion is rewarded. Those who stray must be guided back to the path.

VALA: Seems to me those who stray get burned to death.

PRIOR: The Ori gave all men and women free will.

VALA: If the Ori are so powerful, why do they need us to tell them who believes in them and who doesn't?

AUDIENCE: Thanks for saving us from asking that question.

PRIOR: The Ori need nothing from us.

DANIEL: It is we who must seek the truth of the universe in order to achieve enlightenment.

[VALA LOOKS AT DANIEL. HE SHRUGS SLIGHTLY.]

DANIEL: Been down this road before.

AUDIENCE: Or up it, as the case may be.

SLASHERS: Yes, he's been up...

AUDIENCE: [edges away]

INT. INFIRMARY ISOLATION OBSERVATION ROOM

[MITCHELL IS WATCHING LAM AND THE MEDICAL STAFF MONITORING DANIEL AND VALA, WHEN LANDRY JOINS HIM. HE SAYS HE KNOWS HE'S CONCERNED FOR DANIEL AND VALA, BUT HE HAS AN ASSIGNMENT FOR HIM. DR. LINDSAY, AN ANTHROPOLOGIST WORKING ON P3X-421 HAS REPORTED THAT A MISSIONARY OF SOME SORT HAS ARRIVED. THEY'RE NOT SURPRISED, BECAUSE OPPORTUNISTS WILL TRY TO FILL THE VOID LEFT BY THE GOA'ULD, BUT THIS MISSIONARY IS TRYING TO PROVE HIS CLAIM BY PERFORMING MIRACLES. LANDRY ORDERS MITCHELL TO TAKE SG-12 AND CHECK IT OUT.]

INT. DINING ROOM, CITY OF THE GODS

[THE PRIOR IS GIVING A MONOTONE READING OF THE BOOK OF ORIGIN.]

DANIEL: Um, sorry to interrupt, but um, if you brought us here to try and convert us, I think it's fair to tell you that we're really not in the market for "new gods."

PRIOR: The will of the Ori brought you here.

DANIEL: (offhand) I don't suppose we could talk to one of these "Ori"?

PRIOR: Of course.

DANIEL: (stuttering) Uh, well great. Th-th-that would be great.

DANIEL FANS: Yeah, that usually doesn't work.

PRIOR: Speak, and they shall hear you.

DANIEL: Oh.

DANIEL FANS: *facepalm*

[DANIEL ASKS TO SPEAK TO THE DOCI, THE "ONE WHO SPEAKS THE WORD OF THE ORI." THE PRIOR TELLS DANIEL TO COME WITH HIM, LEAVING VALA BEHIND.]

AUDIENCE: So, is it like the "Ascended Club for Men" with no wimmen folk allowed?

NOT QUITE VALA FANS: Probably more like going into a church, and they're afraid the place will collapse if Vala goes in.

INT. SGC GATE ROOM

[TEAL'C AND LANDRY GREET GERAK AND HIS ENTOURAGE.]

AUDIENCE: We suddenly just had the unexpected urge for a Jaffa rap group. [...] Nevermind. It passed. Thankfully.

EXT. P3X-421

[THE PRIOR IS READING FROM HIS BOOK TO THE LOCALS, AND MITCHELL, LINDSAY AND SG-12 APPROACH.]

PRIOR: Fear not the Ori. Fear the darkness that would conceal the knowledge of the universe. Believe in the truth of all things, and you too may find the path to enlightenment.

MITCHELL: (with an exaggerated Southern drawl) "And a man has no greater thing under the sun than to eat, drink and be merry." Ecclesiastes. My favorite. My grandma was a bit of a Bible thumper. Weekends at Grandma's meant long, long Sundays at St. Hilda's Church of the Grand Epiphany. (switches back to his normal voice) Lieutenant Colonel Cameron Mitchell. How you doing?

PRIOR: I am a Prior of the Ori.

MITCHELL: It's nice to meet you.

PRIOR: Your arrival here was foreseen.

MITCHELL: No kidding. So, you see the future, do you?

PRIOR: Lessons of days gone by teach us what will come to pass.

MITCHELL: I'm a bit of a history buff myself. Doesn't help me pick the lotto numbers, though. So, where're you from?

PRIOR: Where we come from and where we are going are all the same.

MITCHELL: Oh, I get you. "Wherever you go, there you are." (aside to Lindsay) Think that's Buckaroo Banzai.

BUCKAROO BANZAI FANS: We don't have to be mean because, remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

MITCHELL: Me, I'm from a little planet called Earth.

PRIOR: The home of Daniel Jackson.

[MITCHELL LOOKS TO LINDSAY, WHO SAYS HE DIDN'T MENTION THAT BEFORE. THE PRIOR SAYS IT WAS FROM DANIEL THAT THEY LEARNED OF THEIR GREAT NEED.]

MITCHELL: Our need for what?

PRIOR: The revelation of your destiny.

AUDIENCE: That's never really a good thing though, is it?

MANY, MANY DEAD GOA'ULD: We'd like the popcorn concession on this, thanks.

INT. DOCI CHAMBER, CITY OF THE GODS, CELESTIS

[DANIEL'S LED INTO THE ROOM, WHERE THE DOCI STANDS IN FRONT OF A GATE WHICH ENCLOSES A WALL OF FIRE.]

AUDIENCE: Mercy. What's that getup supposed to be? Looks like he's wearing a giant tuning fork.

[DANIEL TRIES TO INTRODUCE HIMSELF, BUT THE DOCI ALREADY KNOWS.]

DANIEL: Okay. So you know my name and where I'm from, so I assume you'll also know how I'm connected to this man's mind. Why I'm here... uh. You see, we're... we're explorers. We'd very much like to get to know you. Um. Your society. How you came to be.

[THE DOCI SAYS A PRIOR HAS BEEN SENT TO WHERE DANIEL CAME FROM, TO SPREAD THE WORD OF THE ORI. DANIEL IS SURPRISED THEY CAN DO THAT, BECAUSE HE THOUGHT THEY WERE IN ANOTHER GALAXY. DANIEL TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT WHERE HE'S FROM, PEOPLE BELIEVE IN MANY DIFFERENT THINGS, AND THEY MAY NOT SEE THE WAY OF THE ORI AS THE ONLY WAY.]

DOCI: The power and the greatness of the Ori cannot be denied. Those who reject the path to enlightenment must be destroyed.

DANIEL: Right. I was afraid of that.

AUDIENCE: The Goa'uld are looking better and better by contrast, aren't they?

GOA'ULD FANS: At least they had better fashion sense. Well, except for the walking laundry pile.

AUDIENCE: Wonder if fighting Oma forever means she has to do his wash?

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[LANDRY AND TEAL'C ESCORT GERAK AND HIS AIDE, WHILE LANDRY AND GERAK TRADE QUOTES FROM MILITARY FIGURES OF THEIR CULTURES. THEY'RE INTERRUPTED BY AN ALERT FOR AN UNSCHEDULED INCOMING WORMHOLE. LANDRY EXCUSES HIMSELF TO SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING.]

AUDIENCE: Can we start up a card game or something when Landry and Gerak are onscreen. Love Bridges and Gossett, but the characters are rather flat, and Jaffa politics are boring.

SLASHERS AND SMUTTERS: Doesn't bother us much. Gives us time to read porn until something more interesting is on the screen.

INT. DOCI CHAMBER, CITY OF THE GODS, CELESTIS

[DANIEL'S TRYING TO EXPLAIN ABOUT THE ORI NOT BEING GODS, THAT IF THEY'RE LIKE THE ASCENDED BEINGS HE KNOWS, THEY JUST HAVE A GREATER UNDERSTANDING OF THE UNIVERSE.]

DOCI: What is a god, but a being that is worshiped by those beneath? Is great knowledge, power, understanding not enough for you to revere the Ori?

[DANIEL GOES INTO A LONG WINDED SPEECH, ASKING IF THE ORI HAVE SPOKEN TO THE PEOPLE DIRECTLY, OR MAYBE THE PEOPLE MISINTERPRETED AND DEVELOPED THE ORI-BASED RELIGION ON THEIR OWN. HE DOESN'T BELIEVE ENLIGHTENMENT CAN BE ACHIEVED WHEN IT'S FORCED. THE DOCI GOES TO THE GATE AND OPENS IT.]

DANIEL FANS: Whoa, boy, take a breath, OK?

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: And remember, you can't beat this guy into submission with your brain and/or sex like you could with Jack.

FANS OF ALTERNATE SLASH PAIRINGS: At least not yet.

BDSMERS: Training is a good thing.

DOCI: The Ori hear you.

[LINES OF FLAME SHOOT OUT AND ENTERS THE DOCI, WHOSE EYES NOW APPEAR TO BE FLAME-FILLED.]

AUDIENCE: Um... yeah. We thought the writers said the Goa'uld glowy eyes thing was silly and passé.

WRITERS: It is. Flames are kewl though.

DOCI: (speaking as if there are many voices in unison with his) We do not require blind faith. Only that you believe what you see and know to be true.

AUDIENCE: We believe. We see and know to be true that you're bullshit artists on a greater scale than the Goa'uld.

MANY, MANY GOA'ULD: Hey! That's *artiste* to you, slave scum.

WRITERS: Hey, *we* are artistes too!

AUDIENCE: OK, fine, we totally agree that you are grands artistes de merde.

WRITERS: [smug] Well, finally!

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[TEAL'C, LANDRY, GERAK AND HIS AIDE, YAT'YIR, MEET. GERAK LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW INTO THE GATEROOM, ASKING ABOUT THE PEOPLE ARRIVING.]

LANDRY: Lieutenant Colonel Mitchell, SG-12, and a gentleman we encountered on another planet who claims that he represents some gods called the Ori. I think we have yet to see the real fallout from dismantling the infrastructure established by the Goa'uld.

GERAK: Indeed. We have already seen the rise of individuals and organizations who have threatened to challenge us.

LANDRY: There are as many humans out there as there are Jaffa. But if we don't continue to work together, the victory that we both worked so long and hard for could result in chaos.

SLASHERS AND SMUTTERS: [looking up from reading porn] Did we miss anything? No? Didn't think so.

INT. DOCI CHAMBER BALCONY, CITY OF THE GODS, CELESTIS

DOCI: We are Ori.

DANIEL: And you instruct these people to worship you?

DOCI: We are their creators. All who follow the path will join us in enlightenment.

DANIEL: Do you know who the Alterans are?

DOCI: Those who abandon the path are evil.

DANIEL: Evil? Why?

DOCI: They shielded you.

DANIEL: Really. I didn't really think they did much of anything for us, but I guess I was wrong.

AUDIENCE: Or they were hiding themselves and the rest of us were hidden too. It's the same method we use with Jehovah's Witnesses.

DOCI: The truth of the universe has been obstructed. All will know the power of the Ori.

AUDIENCE: Must not be all that powerful if their will can be so easily thwarted by "evil" forces for millenia.

[THE STRINGS OF FLAME SHOOT OUT FROM THE DOCI'S CHEST AND RETURN TO THE WALL OF FIRE.]

DOCI: (in normal voice) Hallowed are the Ori.

AUDIENCE: Can we have a cage match with religious fundamentalists from earth and the Ori? They could either kill each other or bore each other to death. Maybe a tag team even with the Jaffa Family Association?

INT. SGC INFIRMARY ISOLATION ROOM

[LAM AND LEE ARE CHECKING ON DANIEL AND VALA'S VITALS. DANIEL WAS APPARENTLY IN SOME SORT OF STRESS, BUT IS RETURNING TO NORMAL.]

INT. SGC INFIRMARY ISOLATION OBSERVATION ROOM

[MITCHELL AND THE PRIOR LOOK DOWN INTO THE ISOLATION ROOM. MITCHELL SAYS THEY CAN'T SHUT OFF THE DEVICE, AND THE PRIOR SAYS IT'S THE WILL OF THE ORI.]

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[TEAL'C, LANDRY, GERAK, AND YAT'YIR ARE SEATED AROUND THE BRIEFING TABLE. YAT'IR QUESTIONS TEAL'C'S LOYALTY.]

TEAL'C FANS: You are all dead to us. TEAL'C IS DA MAN!

[GERAK SAYS HE WANTS TO SPEAK TO THE PRIOR TO HEAR HIS CLAIMS AND CHALLENGE HIM.]

INT. DINING ROOM, CITY OF THE GODS, CELESTIS

[DANIEL RETURNS TO THE ROOM AND VALA ASKS WHAT'S HAPPENING.]

DANIEL: This is bad.

VALA: Worse than being burned to death?

AUDIENCE: That does tend to make one reevaluate their perception of "bad" doesn't it?

DANIEL: It appears our ascended Ancients and the Ori have a slight difference of opinion. See the Ori seem to think that because they're Ascended, humans beings should worship them. All humans.

VALA: And if we don't?

DANIEL: Then we're not worthy of living and should be destroyed.

[DANIEL EXPLAINS THAT APPARENTLY THE ASCENDED ANCIENTS HAVE BEEN SHIELDING THEM FROM THE ORI, WHO THINK THE ANCIENTS ARE EVIL.]

DANIEL: See, the problem is the Ori now know our galaxy's inhabited by humans because of US!

VALA: I refuse to accept the blame for that.

NOT QUITE VALA FANS: Has she ever accepted the blame for anything?

VALA FANS: Uh, no? Basic strategy, there.

VALA: Curiosity is part of human nature. Look, if the Ancients knew that the Ori were so bad, why didn't they stop us from coming here?

DANIEL: Free will.

AUDIENCE: If it was all about free will, why did they bother to protect us in the first place, instead of giving us the choice then?

DANIEL: The Ancients may be protecting us from the Ori, but not their human followers. See, Ancients won't interfere on any lower planes of existence. If anybody from our galaxy wants to worship the Ori, apparently, that's our choice. And they won't stop Priors from coming through the Gate because apparently, they've already sent one.

AUDIENCE: How can it be a choice when you're being forced and/or you don't have all the information to make an informed decision?

VALA: The Ori have given Priors special powers and that's not fair.

AUDIENCE: Life's not fair. Read the memos.

[DANIEL THINKS THE PRIORS ARE JUST THE BEGINNING. THE ORI COULD BE STARTING A CRUSADE, AND THEY NEED TO WARN EARTH.]

AUDIENCE: OK, we know the boy is smart, but that's an awful lot to infer from a glowy-eyed tuning fork.

INT. DOCI CHAMBER, CITY OF THE GODS, CELESTIS

[THE DOCI TELLS THE PRIOR TO TAKE THE UNBELIEVERS BACK TO VER AGER AND THAT ITS CLEANSING WILL BEGIN THE REST OF THE UNBELIEVERS DOWN THE RIGHT PATH.]

AUDIENCE: Will they be using Comet for that, or a generic spray-on cleaner? Maybe some Oxy Clean with bleach action?

INT. HOME OF HARRID AND SALLIS, VER AGER

[DANIEL AND VALA ARE BACK "HOME", TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY THE PRIOR BROUGHT THEM BACK. THEY THINK MAYBE THEY'RE BEING USED TO WEED OUT ANY OTHER HERETICS.]

VALA: I still don't get why the Ori just don't do it themselves. They're supposed to be gods. Aren't gods all seeing, all knowing, all-powerful?

DANIEL: Well, the universe is infinite, remember? Apparently, that's a lot to keep track of.

AUDIENCE: Oh, yeah, just keeping up with all of the TV shows would take a lot of time. The soap operas alone would be a massive job.

TIVO FANS: Did the Ori invent Tivo? If so, then hallowed be the Ori, baby.

[DANIEL SAYS THEY NEED TO CONTACT EARTH, AND RECALLS THAT FANNIS AND HIS SECT HAD FOUND OTHER ARTIFACTS, SO MAYBE THEY ALSO HAVE A TERMINAL DEVICE.]

AUDIENCE: Logic, meet cliff.

BA'AL FANS: [perk] Cliff? Cliff Simon? Where? We didn't know Ba'al was going to be in this one.

AUDIENCE: No, not that cliff. We were referring to the leap of logic Daniel just made.

BA'AL FANS: Oh. Whatever. We were bored and off reading porny fanfic and only half-listening anyway. Having a lot of Ba'al clones makes it *very* interesting and it takes a lot of concentration to read.

AUDIENCE: But it only takes one hand to use the mouse, right?

BA'AL FANS: You betcha!

[DANIEL SAYS THEY CAN'T CONTACT FANNIS WITHOUT GIVING HIM AWAY TO THE ORI.]

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[THE PRIOR, LANDRY, TEAL'C, GERAK, AND YAT'YIR ARE SEATED, WITH MITCHELL STANDING BETWEEN TEAL'C AND LANDRY'S CHAIRS.]

PRIOR: You do not believe in a higher power?

AUDIENCE: We believe in the The Powers That Be.

WRITERS: Thanks!

AUDIENCE: Nah, we just believe in your existence. And that you'll probably frell up the religion storyline.

WRITERS: You still believe in us, which makes us all warm and squishy and... let's blow something up!

LANDRY: Well, it's complicated. There are a lot of different points of view about that subject around here.

AUDIENCE: That's the brief way to put it.

TEAL'C: Jaffa have recently shed the dominance of false gods that have enslaved us for many generations.

BA'AL FANS: Or *have* you? I'm just on a vacation you know.

GERAK: But many have long believed in the path to enlightenment.

PRIOR: Origin will guide you on this path. And those who revere its wisdom shall be uplifted. I have come to spread the word to the unbelievers who have been sheltered and raised by evil.

MITCHELL: (leaning down and speaking softly to Landry) You have no idea how much he sounds like my Grandma.

MITCHELL'S GRANDMA: That's about enough out of you, young man. You need a good spanking!

BDSMERS: Don't we all?

INT. HOME OF HARRID AND SALLIS, VER AGER

[FANNIS ARRIVES, AND DANIEL TELLS HIM HE SHOULDN'T BE THERE, BECAUSE THE ORI ARE USING THEM TO GET TO HIM AND THE OTHERS QUESTIONING THE ORI'S CLAIMS. DANIEL ASKS ABOUT THE ARTIFACTS, SPECIFICALLY IF THERE'S A LARGE DOME-SHAPED OBJECT WITH A BLUE CRYSTAL ON TOP. FANNIS TELLS THEM TO COME WITH HIM.]

DANIEL: Fannis! You're risking your life.

SLASHERS: He's trying to get his boyfriend back!

THREESOME FANS: Or his boyfriend and girlfriend!

NOROMOS: We're totally going on vacation again. Or getting better earplugs.

FANNIS: Harrid, Sallis, and I, all those who believe as we do, have known for some time that we may give our lives for our cause. We can only hope one day the truth comes to bear as a result.

ORGY FANS: All...? [swoonTHUD]

INT. HIDDEN ROOM, VILLAGE OF VER AGER

[FANNIS AND DANIEL OPEN A CRATE WITH AN ANCIENT COMMUNICATION DEVICE INSIDE. DANIEL AND VALA USE THE BLACK STONES FOUND INSIDE HARRID AND SALLIS' BOOK, PLACING THEM INTO THE DEVICE.]

INT. SGC INFIRMARY ISOLATION ROOM

[DR. LEE SEES A SPIKE ON DANIEL'S MONITOR, AND LAM COMES OVER TO CHECK HIM. AS SHE PLACES HER FINGERS TO HIS THROAT, DANIEL GRABS HER WRIST AND OPENS HIS EYES.]

AUDIENCE: So Michael left the seat up at home, but is that a *throttling* offense?

INT. HIDDEN ROOM, VILLAGE OF VER AGER

[HARRID AND SALLIS HAVE RETURNED TO THEIR OWN BODIES, AND RISE TO LOOK AT FANNIS, WHO SMILES, THEN MAKES A CHOKED SOUND. A PRIOR COMES DOWN THE STAIRCASE, THE ORB ON HIS STAFF GLOWING BRIGHTLY. THE COMMUNICATION DEVICE SHUTS DOWN AND DANIEL AND VALA ARE BACK IN HARRIS AND SALLIS. FANNIS APPEARS TO BE SUFFOCATING, AND WHEN THE PRIOR REACHES THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS, HE RAISES HIS HAND AND DANIEL IS THROWN THROUGH THE AIR AND IS PINNED TO A WALL.]

PRIOR: And the people shall deliver the wicked unto your divine judgment, where their sins shall be weighed in balance with all that is just and true.

DANIEL FANS: You're going to need one big, honkin' weight for our boy.

NOT VALA FANS: Got anything in a feather? Maybe a few atoms of oxygen?

FANNIS: [dead]

DANIEL: [gulp]

THREESOME FANS: Damn, there went our hopes for a ménage scenario.

BDSMERS: We see... other... possibilities.

EXT. VER AGER VILLAGE SQUARE, NIGHT

[A GROUP OF VILLAGERS DRAG DANIEL AND VALA INTO THE SQUARE. BOTH HAVE THEIR HANDS TIED IN FRONT OF THEM AS THEY STRUGGLE AGAINST THEIR CAPTORS WHILE THE PRIOR FOLLOWS THEM.]

BDSMERS: Safeword! Especially in a group scene!

VALA: (desperately) The Ori are great! I love the Ori! I'm a believer! What's the matter with you people? I'm telling you, I've seen the light! (calling over to Daniel) I don't think they're buying it.

DANIEL: Well, I've heard you do better.

DANIEL/VALA SHIPPERS: We bet you have, naughty thing.

[THE VILLAGERS DRAG THEM TO THE CIRCULAR ALTAR WHERE WE LAST HAD BARBEQUED VALA. THEY'RE FORCED TO THEIR KNEES AND SHACKLED TO THE BENCH IN THE CENTER OF THE ALTAR.]

BDSMERS: They *are* getting our letters at Bridge!

ADMINISTRATOR: Glorious are the Ori, who lead us to salvation, who didst fight the evil that would doom us to mortal sin. Did they defeat the old spirits and cast them out. And now, with the strength of our will, they do call upon us to prevail against the corruption of all unbelievers.

VALA: (gulping) Well, second time's the charm.

NOT VALA FANS: It's supposed to be the third time's... wait, she can't even COUNT?

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

PRIOR: The Ori do not shield this knowledge as others might, selfish in their powerful advantage. They lead you to their realm in the path that is laid out in The Book of Origin. All you need do is follow their teachings.

OMA: Bitch, please.

[CHEVRON GUY ENTERS THE ROOM AND WHISPERS IN LANDRY'S EAR. LANDRY EXCUSES HIMSELF AND MITCHELL, AND THEY FOLLOW CHEVRON GUY OUT OF THE ROOM.]

SLASHERS: Chevron Guy/Landry/Mitchell?

THREESOME FANS: Yes!

NOROMOS: Y'all never stop, do you?

SMUTTERS OF ALL STRIPES: Never give up, never surrender!

INT. SGC CORRIDOR OUTSIDE BRIEFING ROOM

[LAM REPORTS TO LANDRY AND MITCHELL THAT DANIEL AND VALA WOKE UP FOR A MOMENT, BUT LOST CONSCIOUSNESS AGAIN.]

MITCHELL: Did they say anything?

LAM: Yes, they did.

AUDIENCE: And...?

EXT. VER AGER VILLAGE SQUARE, NIGHT

[PREPARATIONS CONTINUE FOR BARBEQUE A LA DANIEL AND VALA.]

NOT VALA FANS: We'd ask for wasabe, but she's tart enough already.

DANIEL FANS: So it's a "sweet and tart" barbeque?

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[MITCHELL RETURNS TO THE ROOM WITH HIS SIDEARM DRAWN AND POINTED AT THE PRIOR. THE OTHER GUARDS IN THE ROOM FOLLOW SUIT.]

GERAK: What's the meaning of this?

LANDRY: I'm very sorry. We've just received some information about our visitor here that demands we take every precaution.

AUDIENCE: Time to leave a copy of the Watchtower and bolt, Prior dude.

[MITCHELL MOTIONS AN SF TO TAKE THE PRIOR'S STAFF, AND WANTS THE PRIOR TO COME WITH THEM.]

AUDIENCE: What? Is Mitchell too much of a weenie to take the staff himself?

MITCHELL FANS: Duh. He's not stupid.

PRIOR: (reasonably) All I wish to do is spread the word of the Ori to your world.

LANDRY: Actually, that was never going to happen.

PRIOR: Then I must leave at once.

MITCHELL: That's not going to happen, either.

EXT. VER AGER VILLAGE SQUARE, NIGHT

[THE PRIOR USES HIS STAFF TO "MAGICALLY" LIGHT THE FLUID IN THE BUCKET.]

AUDIENCE: Hey! He flicked his Bic!

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

PRIOR: Hallowed are the Ori.

[THE PRIOR RAISES HIS HAND AND HIS STAFF FLIES BACK TO HIS HAND.]

AUDIENCE: So they're using the Force?

STAR WARS FANS: Wash your mouth out!

AUDIENCE: We guess they could test for midichlor-

STAR WARS FANS: Shut UP!

WRITERS: We thought about that, but the Lucasfilm lawyers are still on hold from the Daniel/Anubis robed confrontation dealie. Talk about never giving up!

EXT. VER AGER VILLAGE SQUARE, NIGHT

[THE FIERY LIQUID DRAINS INTO THE CHANNELS IN THE ALTAR, PROGRESSING TOWARDS DANIEL AND VALA.]

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

PRIOR: [bursts into flame]

EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM: [shock]

AUDIENCE: Um... why didn't the sprinkler system kick in?

WRITERS: Seriously... don't you people have LIVES?

AUDIENCE: Yes, and we have intelligence that doesn't like being insulted.

EXT. VER AGER VILLAGE SQUARE, NIGHT

FLAMES: [approaching]

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[THE PRIOR DISAPPEARS IN THE FLAMES, LEAVING ONLY SMOKE BEHIND.]

PEOPLE WHO CLEAN UP AFTER THE SHOW: Ah, geeze, we'll never get the smell out.

CSI FANS: We're heard lemons work.

RODNEY MCKAY FANS: No citrus!

VOICE OVER LOUDSPEAKER: Code Blue. Medical Emergency in Observation Lab One. Repeat. Code Blue.

EXT. VER AGER VILLAGE SQUARE, NIGHT

FLAMES: [menace, menace, menace]

INT. SGC INFIRMARY ISOLATION ROOM

[MITCHELL AND TEAL'C ENTER. LAM, LEE AND THE MEDICAL STAFF ARE THERE, WITH DANIEL AND VALA OBVIOUSLY IN DISTRESS. TEAL'C AND MITCHELL MOVE TOWARDS THE DEVICE, BUT DR. LEE STOPS THEM, SAYING THEY CAN'T BLOW IT UP BECAUSE IT WILL REACT "VERY BADLY" TO AN EXPLOSION. TEAL'C ASKS IF THEY CAN SEND IT THROUGH THE GATE AND THEY BEGIN UNHOOKING IT, WHILE DR. LEE EXPLAINS THAT IT USES SUBSPACE TO COMMUNICATE, SO EVEN SENDING IT SOMEWHERE ELSE WON'T BREAK THE CONNECTION.]

MITCHELL: I have a different idea. Tell them to start dialing the Gate.

[TEAL'C AND MITCHELL LEAVE THE ROOM WITH THE DEVICE.]

LEE: (calling after them) Where to?

MITCHELL: (calling back) Wherever.

LEE: (muttering to himself) Wherever? Where... All right.

AUDIENCE: He's learned, hasn't he?

EXT. VER AGER VILLAGE SQUARE, NIGHT

FLAMES: Is my motivation clear enough yet?

DANIEL AND VALA: [gasping for air]

FLAMES: Yep, that's it, that's my raison d'etre!

INT. SGC GATE ROOM

[ONE CHEVRON HAS ALREADY LOCKED, AND THE SECOND MOVES INTO PLACE.]

ATLANTIS GATE: Good lord, they'd be on their way by now.

SGC GATE: Fast and easy isn't better, chippie-girl.

INT. SGC CONTROL ROOM

[LANDRY ARRIVES AS CHEVRON GUY MONITORS THE GATE. HE QUESTIONS WHY THE GATE IS BEING ACTIVATED, AND CHEVRON GUY EXPLAINS IT'S ORDERS FROM COLONEL MITCHELL.]

INT. SGC CORRIDORS

TEAL'C AND MITCHELL: [run, run, run]

SGC CORRIDOR: It's my moment in the spotlight!

SGC STARGATE: But I'm getting more close-ups, so suffer.

ATLANTIS GATE: Only because you're SLOWER than MOLASSES, grandma!

GRANDMA: You're not to big to go over my knee, young lady!

BDSMERS: We're not supposed to be turned on by this, right?

EXT. VER AGER VILLAGE SQUARE, NIGHT

FLAMES: [still menacing]

INT. SGC CONTROL ROOM

[THE SIXTH CHEVRON IS LOCKED.]

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

TEAL'C AND MITCHELL: [run, run, run]

TEAL'C/MITCHELL SLASHERS: They're so pretty when they run. So hot. So sweaty. So... So... um... what were we saying?

MITCHELL: (yelling) Not yet, Walter! Not yet!

BDSMERS: Is that denial of gratification we hear?

SGC GATE: See? Sometimes slower IS better.

SMUTTERS OF ALL STRIPES: Preach it, sister!

INT. SGC CONTROL ROOM

CHEVRON GUY: Halting dialing sequence.

EXT. VER AGER VILLAGE SQUARE, NIGHT

FLAMES: Boo!

INT. SGC INFIRMARY ISOLATION ROOM

[LAM LISTENS TO VALA'S HEART WITH A STETHOSCOPE.]

LEE: Blood pressure's dropping. The heart rate's rising. They're going into shock!

AUDIENCE: So is he a medical doctor or a scientist?

WRITERS: There's a difference?

AUDIENCE: *facepalm*

SUPER!SAM FANS: What show have *you* been watching?

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: Totally not the one *we've* been watching, that's for sure.

INT. SGC GATEROOM

[TEAL'C AND MITCHELL RUN INTO THE ROOM, AND MITCHELL YELLS AT CHEVRON GUY TO ACTIVATE THE GATE.]

INT. SGC CONTROL ROOM

CHEVRON GUY: Resuming dialing sequence. Chevron Seven, locked!

INT. SGC GATE ROOM

[AS THE GATE ACTIVATES, TEAL'C AND MITCHELL HEAVE THE DEVICE INTO THE "KAWOOSH" AND IT DISINTEGRATES, AS THEY DIVE TO THE FLOOR OUT OF THE WAY.]

TEAL'C/MITCHELL SLASHERS: Teal'c never questioned Mitchell once, did he? Is he a well-trained soldier, or just *ahem* well-trained?

JACK/TEAL'C SLASHERS: Both!

EXT. VER AGER VILLAGE SQUARE, NIGHT

[HARRID AND SALLIS ARE RETURNED TO THEIR BODIES AS THE FLAMES REACH THEM.]

HARRID AND SALLIS: Well, crap.

AUDIENCE: They clearly got the short end of the stick here. Were they ever aware of what was going on while Daniel and Vala were taking their bodies for a joy ride?

SMUTTERS: Oooh, sounds kinky.

INT. SGC INFIRMARY ISOLATION ROOM

[DR. LAM AND THE MEDICAL TEAM CONTINUE TO WORK ON DANIEL AND VALA. SHE'S ABOUT TO DEFIB DANIEL WHEN HE WAKES UP. DR. LEE IS AT VALA'S BEDSIDE AS SHE WAKES UP TOO.]

INT. SGC CONTROL ROOM

[THE PHONE RINGS. LANDRY ANSWERS IT. AFTER HE HANGS UP HE USES THE INTERCOM TO TELL TEAL'C AND MITCHELL THAT DANIEL AND VALA ARE AWAKE.]

FOURGY FANS: Let the games begin...

INT. SGC GATE ROOM

TEAL'C: [small smile]

MITCHELL: (gesturing with his arms wide) See, THAT'S what I'm talking about.

AUDIENCE: SUCH a fanboy.

INT. DOCI CHAMBER, CITY OF THE GODS, CELESTIS

[THE DOCI LOOKS INTO THE WALL OF FIRE AS THE PRIOR AND THE ADMINISTRATOR APPROACH. THE DOCI SAYS THE ADMINISTRATOR HAS SERVED THE ORI WELL, AND TELLS HIM TO GAZE UPON THE FLAMES OF ENLIGHTENMENT.]

AUDIENCE: That can't be good.

[THE DOCI AND THE ORI LOOK ON AS THE ADMINISTRATOR TURNS INTO A PRIOR.]

DOCI: Great holy armies shall be gathered and trained to fight all who embrace evil. In the name of the gods, ships shall be built to carry our warriors out amongst the stars, and we will spread Origin to all the unbelievers. The power of the Ori will be felt far and wide, and the wicked shall be vanquished.

ADMINISTRATOR/PRIOR: Hallowed are the Ori.

DOCI: Hallowed are the Ori.

AUDIENCE: Um... what do gods need with starships?

STAR TREK FANS: Word. But McCoy did have a point. You can't exactly ask the Almighty for His ID.

SLASHERS AND SMUTTERS: Starships and gods? Huh? Sorry, reading porn again. OK, *not* sorry.

INT. DANIEL'S OFFICE

[VALA REMOVES THE BRACELETS, AS TEAL'C LOOKS ON. MITCHELL APPEARS IN THE DOORWAY, SAYING THAT LANDRY IS READY TO SEE THEM.]

SLASHERS WHO LIKE THEIR MEN AGED LIKE FINE WINE (AND NOT STINKY LIKE OLD CHEESE): Sent the Jaffa party on its way and washed up, huh?

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[DANIEL, VALA, TEAL'C, AND MITCHELL ARE SEATED AT THE TABLE. LANDRY PACES THE ROOM AS HE SPEAKS.]

LANDRY: So you think we should expect more of these Priors to show up?

DANIEL: I would be very surprised if they didn't.

AUDIENCE: And it would be a *really* short season.

MITCHELL: How? We know one came through the Stargate, but if their galaxy is so far away-

VALA: (quietly) I suspect the Ori have the power to make a lot of things happen.

AUDIENCE: Wouldn't the Ori using their powers to directly influence the gate's technology to sent the Prior's through mean they're interfering and bring our Ancient's into play?

WRITERS: No, it's the free will of the Prior's to go through the gate.

AUDIENCE: Free will of the Priors, sure, but they're not exactly "free willing" their way from one galaxy to another without the help of the Ori. Isn't that a form of interfering?

WRITERS: What are you, lawyers for the Ascended?

ASCENDED: They are free to so choose, and it saves us the trouble of zotting your sorry asses.

DANIEL: Still, for the Priors, I think we can assume it's a one-way trip.

MITCHELL: Don't think they have a problem with self-sacrifice.

LANDRY: You think the Ancients here in our galaxy will continue to stop the Ori from using their power to attack us directly?

DANIEL: I hope so. I... [shrug]

MITCHELL: So how do we fight these guys? And I mean the message as much as the men. A lot of folks out there are going to buy what these guys are selling.

AUDIENCE: They're like Jehovah's Witnesses, right? Just have the entire galaxy pretend they're not home.

TEAL'C: Hopefully, now many have been educated to the ways of false gods.

VALA: Yes, but we're not talking about humans with snakes in their heads with a slightly better understanding of technology.

GOA'ULD: We are so very much more than that. Come over here, and we'll re-introduce you to the fundamentals.

DANIEL: See, their power isn't false. The Priors are going to offer to people what will seem like proof of God.

AUDIENCE: Um... the Goa'uld had the same "proof" they were gods. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

LANDRY: Proof of powerful beings is not proof of God.

DANIEL: I'm not saying it is.

MITCHELL: Look, just because we know there is some beings on a higher plane of existence than ourselves does not mean there's not an order of being higher than them. At least I reckon that's what my Grandma'd say.

VALA: (smiling at Daniel) And the universe is supposedly infinite.

DANIEL: [double take]

LANDRY: Which in my book makes it's impossible to know everything. I mean, somewhere in there, you gotta fill in the blanks with a little faith. (smiles at Mitchell) I had a grandma too.

GRANDMA: And such a nice boy you are. Have a cookie!

MITCHELL: So, business as usual, sir?

LANDRY: Let 'em bring it. We'll use our strengths against their weaknesses. That's a pretty good strategy for any kind of business you're in. (To Daniel and Vala) I'm glad you two are okay.

MITCHELL: Amen.

AUDIENCE: The religion storyline doesn't stand a chance, does it?

INT. DANIEL'S OFFICE

[DANIEL IS TYPING AT HIS COMPUTER WHEN JACK, IN FULL DRESS UNIFORM, ENTERS HIS OFFICE.]

JACK FANS: The. Uniform. *thud*

DANIEL: Wow. What the hell are you doing here?

NOT FANS OF DUMB!JACK: What'd you do? Snark your way to a demotion or something?

JACK: Nice to see you, too.

DANIEL: No, no, sorry. It's just... I wasn't expecting to see you.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Long distance relationships are such a bitch, aren't they?

JACK: Nah. Well, I was in the neighborhood.

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: Squee! He was Area 51 visiting Sam!

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Let the record show whose office he's in!

JACK: And I've got a little surprise for... Mitchell.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Yeah, for Mitchell, sure, right, we believe you.

DANIEL: Oh. Yeah. He loved the last one. The fact that you didn't tell him that we were all moving on to different positions.

JACK: (in low voice) Yeah. [...] Sorry you missed Daedalus.

DANIEL: No, you're not.

JACK: You're right, I'm not. [...] Listen, I just had a briefing with Landry... about... your stuff.

NOT FANS OF DUMB!JACK: Um, is it just us, or does Jack sound like he's moved beyond sounding dumb and straight into catatonic?

AUDIENCE: Not just you.

NOT FANS OF DUMB!JACK: Again, what is he doing here?

WRITERS: [hissing] Ratings! Shut UP.

DANIEL: Yeah.

JACK: Sounds like it could be a problem.

AUDIENCE: Sounds like it's a real problem for Jack to stay conscious, much less interested in the conversation.

DANIEL: Well, we've been up against some pretty bad guys before.

JACK: Yeah, not so pretty. Overdressed, yes.

BA'AL FANS: Ba'al was rather pretty.

CAMULUS FANS: And Camulus!

AUDIENCE: But let us not forget the laundry pile with attitude, Anubis. Definitely overdressed. On second thought, let's forget him.

DANIEL: Been through some tough situations.

JACK: That we always won.

DANIEL: Yeah... but didn't you feel that was because we had someone looking out for us?

JACK: [clueless stare]

AUDIENCE: Um, no. We think it's just as likely that the Alterans were hiding from the Ori, and we were shielded as a side effect.

DANIEL: I don't think I would say this to anyone else, but for the first time, I'm scared.

[JACK RAISES HIS EYEBROWS. DANIEL LOOKS AWAY AND SIGHS.]

JACK: I'm hungry.

[DANIEL LOOKS BACK TOWARDS JACK, AND AFTER A MOMENT, SMILES SLIGHTLY.]

DANIEL: (nodding) Me too.

JACK: Wanna?

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Have sex?

DANIEL: Mm-hmm.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS AND FRIENDSHIPPERS: Mm-hmm.

EXT. SKY, EARTH, DAY

[MITCHELL IS FLYING AN F-302, WITH JACK IN THE CO-PILOT SEAT.]

MITCHELL: Yeah, man. This is good. Still a rush.

JACK: (in bored tone) Yeah.

MITCHELL: I don't know why I didn't get back on the horse sooner, except I really didn't think you could take one of these things for a joy ride.

JACK: Now, see, that's one of the great things about being a general. You pretty much get to do whatever you want.

NOT FANS OF DUMB!JACK: When has Jack ever *not* done what he wanted?

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: He couldn't openly go after Sam!

NOROMOS: We'll repeat the question. When has Jack ever not done what he *wanted*?

MITCHELL: I suppose after you've saved the world seven or eight times...

JACK: Who's counting, huh?

MITCHELL: Teal'c. Actually, he mentions it quite often.

TEAL'C FANS: Because Da Man gives credit where credit is due!

JACK: So, Mitchell, I hear you haven't picked out your team yet.

MITCHELL: I'm hoping I won't have to, sir. Why, did General Landry say something about it, sir?

JACK: He did.

MITCHELL: Are you going to tell me, sir?

AUDIENCE: You already know Jack's not exactly forthcoming with answers.

JACK: He said you're going to be fine, Mitchell.

MITCHELL: Thank you, sir. You mind if I kick in the afterburners, sir?

JACK: Oh, please.

MITCHELL: Thank you, sir.

F-302: [soar]

AUDIENCE: So the afterburners were a metaphor for passing the torch of team leadership from Jack to Mitchell?

WRITERS: Huh? Oh, no, it just looks cool.

FADE OUT

END CREDITS

WRITERS: Hey, where's SNIT? We didn't hear from them this week.

AUDIENCE: We're not sure exactly, but we heard something about Mai Tais and cabana boys for their vacation while Sam's away. They need to be well rested for her return episode.

WRITERS: Sorry we asked.

NEXT WEEK, THE TIES THAT BIND.

BDSMERS: *blink, blink* Seriously? Drinks are on us next week.